Was I U to dump him?

[RelationshipEnquiry]

Disclaimer: Before I ask this I’ll prefix this by saying I was raised around a lot of DV which has put my confidence out of whack when it comes to deciding what’s normal. This may be obvious but I need the reassurance. Sorry if this pisses anyone off.

Dating a guy since Feb, things going along nicely.
He stays over most weekends, but doesn’t live with me.
Last night we’re in bed together, spooning.
I was laying on my left side and he grabbed my right arm and placed it behind my head. I asked him what he was doing and he didn’t respond.
Then he performed what I’ve now come to realise is a move called a half nelson hold and I could not turn nor move my arms (laying on one and he had the other pinned). At this point I screamed for him to get the fuck off me. He obliged. Thankfully as I don’t know what I’d have done otherwise.
I immediately freaked and told him to get out. Then I text him for an explanation he told me he just wanted to feel more “in control” and didn’t realise this wasn’t ok.
I text him back ending things as I don’t want this in a relationship and see no need for control. However all day he’s been begging/apologising and I feel myself questioning if it was really that bad. I don’t want to be sucked into abuse again so was I being U to end things? It was so random and I think I’m still shocked

OldSpirit has nailed it. Please go back and re-read that post over and over and over and over again. I've never been around DV and I'd have dumped him even over 'the odd sexist comment'. It's a total dealbreaker to me. I have standards and boundaries and respect them. This person was moving on from being forgiven for 'the odd sexist comment' with this terrifying act and testing your reaction to it, that's why he did it in a 'weird' setting. You owe this person NOTHING, not even your self-doubt but definitely not a bean in communication or FA.

This kind of shit is only 'play' if you have discussed and agreed upon it beforehand.

PLEASE do NOT contact this person ever again or allow him to contact you.

You feel the way you do, your reaction to it, is 100% spot on. Trust yourself! YOU, your inner self, it knows what is best for you, and it is not person who pins you at all ever without asking for consent first, and the comment about being 'in control'? What a fucking creep.

Oh, and next time, the first time there is 'the odd sexist comment' dump. I mean, you wouldn't put up with 'the odd racist comment', would you? Well, sexism is a form of hatred for a group of people based on their sex, misogyny, the way racist comment show a hatred for a group of people based on their physical features. Neither one is acceptable.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

Lucky escape!

And you know what? It's not your fucking job to teach him what's okay so his excuse about not knowing it wasn't okay is bullshit because I can promise you all the kingdoms of the Earth that he would NEVER in a million years try this on a male friend and then claim he didn't know it was okay or was just playing because he knows a man would kick the shit out of him. He waited until you were alone and vulnerable because he wanted to see how you'd respond to violence because DV is about control and power.

Ghost him. Seriously. Just block him on all shit. If he shows up at your place, call the police. Tell them what he did and that you don't want any contact with him at all.

And please move on, do the Freedom Programme, download 'The Gift of Fear' right now and dump people at the first sign of twat behaviour.

Nope stay away from him. He has no right to control you, in any form. You did the right thing trusting your instincts. There is something very off about him.

I think you would have been unreasonable not to dump him. That was a really weird and creepy thing for him to do, and I think most women with any self-respect would have found his behavior unacceptable.

You are entitled to dump him for any reason at all

You do not have to have reasonable grounds

He terrified you.

End of.

You did the right thing

You did the right thing OP. It's a totally inappropriate thing for him to have done without asking you first how you felt about it. And the fact that he doesn't have a proper explanation for what he was thinking now makes it so much worse.

I think he was testing your boundaries, and you've done the right thing to assert those boundaries.

I'd bet those who voted YABU either did so by mistake, or are people with no experience of DV/are apologists for sexist behaviour.

There's no way this was ever acceptable except in the context of mutual agreement and consent. Which didn't happen here. OP, I'd ghost him, you've not been dating that long and he was definitely testing your boundaries.

Trust your instincts & stick to your decision OP.

His actions & response of "I don't know" are horrifying.
He is testing you to see how much you might put up with.
Well done for calling him out, throwing him out, & keeping him out.

Look after yourself.

What he did was creepy, what he then said about being in control makes it way, way worse. You felt terrified and scared for your own personal safety and that is one emotion that a partner should NEVER make you feel. You have absolutely done the wrong thing, don't contact him again.

I obviously meant done the right thing!

The boy made a mistake and he thought you would like it.
Boy? An adult male put an almost-asleep woman into a half nelson, ignored her first verbal objection to it, & needed to be screamed at before he desisted.

He knows not to do this again.
He should have known not to do it in the first place.

You will end up alone if you dump everyone for making a mistake.
No she won't - because VERY few people make the "mistake" of terrifying their sleeping partner by physically restraining them.
And better alone for a while than with this very wrong man.

Fuck that - it involves putting pressure on the back of the neck.

Not far from putting pressure on the back of the neck to putting pressure on the front.

Block, block, block.

He was testing your boundaries to see what he could get away with. He's clearly a massive twat and you are well rid of him.

This is a half Nelson.
No fucking way is this a normal thing to do to someone, especially when they're simply dozing off.
I think he sounds violent and unstable.He may not be violent right now, but someone who would do this move, out of nowhere, is not someone I'd want to sleeping next to.

I think your instincts are spot on op.

FFS, creepy and controlling and completely unacceptable. You're lucky he showed you what he is before you got more embroiled with him.

You did absolutely the right thing OP. You could never feel comfortable and relaxed around him again, wondering when he was next going to pounce.

Sorry you had to go through such a horrible situation.

Well done for setting that boundary down firmly and immediately. Now block and move on and feel proud of yourself for recognising this and acting appropriately.

Echoing pps- he was testing your boundaries, he picked the wrong victim.

FWIW maybe figure out when you share previous DV - for abusers it’s a green light to swoop in as they think you’re boundaries are fucked and have a warped unhealthy view of relationships.

He misjudged it with you, and he knew what he was doing.

Haven’t read the full thread but I’m sure I’m echoing pps with the “believe people when they tell you who they are the first time” Maya Angelou quote.

He told you he was controlling and you kicked him out - very good judgement and thank god you did.

I think for him this is a quick and dirty way of finding out if you are going to be easy to dominate and control, I find it extremely sinister and I wouldn't be able to trust him after that, it seems he has strong predatory instincts, you are vulnerable and he instinctively moves in to overpower you

Nope, dumping him sounds fair enough to me. It’s easier to split up before you live together. Does he had any stuff left at your place? Box it up and drop it off at him office.

I realise this may sound extreme but is it worth having his name logged with the police?

I reckon this guy is a member of one of those red pill Reddit type forums, he'll have been discussing the possibility of using this technique with his buddies, will probably write up a report of what happened and they will discuss it, think about ways that they could refine it so that it will be more successful with the next victim

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Op thank your instincts for dodging this bullet. Block him and have no contact. Call the police if he is difficult about it. Well done for protecting yourself. For those who should put up with it google we can't consent to this, about women killed by partners in so called consensual rough sex, actually just murdered.

I like my husband to be dominant and take control physically and otherwise (bit of a kink and takes place both in the bedroom and outside of it in general day to day life).

If this is what he was going for doing this outside of an explicit agreement between two consenting adults is outrageous. You don’t just decide you want more control. Control in this context need to be given, not taken.

YANBU at all and well done for kicking his ass out.

I met my partner through a shared interest in kink, we spent several hours discussing likes and dislikes before we got near a bedroom. Even now after several years he would ask before trying something new.
There is no way that this was acceptable OP, you did the right thing.

He was out of order.

I wouldn’t be OK with that and I would of dumped him too ! How dare he !?!