Was I U to dump him?

[RelationshipEnquiry]

Disclaimer: Before I ask this I’ll prefix this by saying I was raised around a lot of DV which has put my confidence out of whack when it comes to deciding what’s normal. This may be obvious but I need the reassurance. Sorry if this pisses anyone off.

Dating a guy since Feb, things going along nicely.
He stays over most weekends, but doesn’t live with me.
Last night we’re in bed together, spooning.
I was laying on my left side and he grabbed my right arm and placed it behind my head. I asked him what he was doing and he didn’t respond.
Then he performed what I’ve now come to realise is a move called a half nelson hold and I could not turn nor move my arms (laying on one and he had the other pinned). At this point I screamed for him to get the fuck off me. He obliged. Thankfully as I don’t know what I’d have done otherwise.
I immediately freaked and told him to get out. Then I text him for an explanation he told me he just wanted to feel more “in control” and didn’t realise this wasn’t ok.
I text him back ending things as I don’t want this in a relationship and see no need for control. However all day he’s been begging/apologising and I feel myself questioning if it was really that bad. I don’t want to be sucked into abuse again so was I being U to end things? It was so random and I think I’m still shocked

I just googled that hold

That's not ok - I think you did the right thing

Hang in there and trust your instincts

@RoryGillmoresEvilTwin

Everyone should look at that pic before commenting.

Abusers are always apologetic. They still do it again.
Apologies mean fuck all.

Ultimately you are a rational, adult woman. You are allowed to break up with your boyfriend for whatever reason. It doesn’t really matter if this would be okay with someone else or your boyfriend thought you’d be okay with it - it wasn’t okay with you so you decided to break up.

The purpose of the apology is to soften you up for the next attack

You will end up alone if you dump everyone for making a mistake.
As opposed to ending up in intensive care, or worse, if she doesn’t dump someone who needs to restrain a half sleeping woman (knowing about her history with DV) because he wants to feel more ‘in control’? Shame on you.

OP, I come from the same place as you. You have absolutely, positively done the right thing. Block him on everything. If you were to give him a second chance, he’d probably behave perfectly for a while, but what happens the next time he feels the need to have more control? You know how it works. Don’t ever doubt yourself.

He was testing you to see how much bullshit you will tolerate from him.
You tolerated let the verbal sexist comments go.
So upped the ante to the next level- physical.

Good on you for not wasting a second trying to rationalise or 'think' about this.
He didn't make a 'mistake', he chose to deliberately behave in a threatening and aggressive manner.

I don't know what cool aid the 6% have been drinking to vote YABU , they're probably abusers themselves....

Walk away. In fact run away.

Kinky fun like restraining is fucking dangerous if it's not done properly. Mentally and physically it can cause problems. It's not something that anyone who is genuinely into that would spring on someone they care about. Especially that kind of move - nobody with a clue would use that as a start point.

So it wasn't about him being kinky in any way. It was about him taking physical control of you to test your reactions. He's probably been testing you with the sexist comments and now he's stepped it up a level

You've absolutely done the right thing. Trust your instinct. Don't fall for his love bombing apologies.

@SeeSomethingSaySomething

FWIW maybe figure out when you share previous DV - for abusers it’s a green light to swoop in as they think you’re boundaries are fucked and have a warped unhealthy view of relationships.
Exactly this! ^^

You did absolutely the right thing OP. How could you ever trust him enough to sleep next to him ever again?

He did this to you when you were at most vulnerable. What sort of person does this?

Op this is awful! Please block him. This is not normal behaviour and really quite bizarre. This is not a mistake. He's trying to work out what you'll put up with. He's shown you who he is.

he wanted to gauge your response, do you fight back, do you freeze, become emotional etc, all the better to fine tune his strategy

This happened to me at the beginning of a relationship. I brushed it aside and kept tolerating it. He turned out to be a narcissistic control freak who caused me more emotional damage than any other man. OP you found it weird because to do that out of the blue WAS WEIRD. You had a healthy response (better than mine) because seeing past DV behaviour has made you QUITE RIGHTLY CAUTIOUS. YANBU

WTAF, he put you in a half nelson when you were drifting off to sleep because he wanted to feel more in control?

You did right to bin the freak. That's weird and scarey behaviour.

Block the fucker.

Glad you followed your instincts here. What a fucking psycho

The boy made a mistake and he thought you would like it.

Correction- grown man.

And what’s wrong with being alone ffs 🙄

I think you have to finish with him. You need to trust some one if you are going to be vulnerable to sleep next to them. If somebody did that just as I was about to fall asleep I would be too scared to sleep next to them again.