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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I U to dump him?

116 replies

RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:09

Disclaimer: Before I ask this I’ll prefix this by saying I was raised around a lot of DV which has put my confidence out of whack when it comes to deciding what’s normal. This may be obvious but I need the reassurance. Sorry if this pisses anyone off.

Dating a guy since Feb, things going along nicely.
He stays over most weekends, but doesn’t live with me.
Last night we’re in bed together, spooning.
I was laying on my left side and he grabbed my right arm and placed it behind my head. I asked him what he was doing and he didn’t respond.
Then he performed what I’ve now come to realise is a move called a half nelson hold and I could not turn nor move my arms (laying on one and he had the other pinned). At this point I screamed for him to get the fuck off me. He obliged. Thankfully as I don’t know what I’d have done otherwise.
I immediately freaked and told him to get out. Then I text him for an explanation he told me he just wanted to feel more “in control” and didn’t realise this wasn’t ok.
I text him back ending things as I don’t want this in a relationship and see no need for control. However all day he’s been begging/apologising and I feel myself questioning if it was really that bad. I don’t want to be sucked into abuse again so was I being U to end things? It was so random and I think I’m still shocked

OP posts:
userabcname · 28/07/2019 20:25

What a weird thing to do. Maybe if you were actually play-fighting it would make sense (or if it was something sexual that you'd discussed previously) but out of nowhere is utterly bizarre. As is his response of wanting control - why? Does he mean physically? Or were you talking about something he didn't agree with and he wanted to put you in your place? Or is it some kind of sexual dominance thing? Doesn't sit right with me either OP and I'd be worried about what else he might do out of the blue - I'd find it hard to relax around him. Definitely not unreasonable to break up imo.

IncrediblySadToo · 28/07/2019 20:25

You absolutely did the right thing 🌷

What he did was bad enough ( WTF did he think he could just out you in a lick like that?) but actually saying he wanted to be more ‘in control’. NO just NO. No one gets to control your body like that for kicks

He’s a scary fucker, you don’t need to be with someone that terrifies you, he’s best avoided.

Ignore the lame apology this will not be the first time he’s done this and he clearly hasn’t learnt from
Previous experiences. I imagine talking tomoast dates/girlfriends would be both interesting & scary

I’m sirry it’s ended like this, but you’re best out if it 🌷don’t let him or anyone convince you that your over reacted, you didn’t at all

GruciusMalfoy · 28/07/2019 20:26

I don't think you're unreasonable at all. I have only ever had this sort of interaction after talking through likes/dislikes with someone I've grown close to. To do it out of the blue would be unacceptable to me. You weren't comfortable with it, he shouldn't have done it, YANBU to not want to see him again.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 28/07/2019 20:27

I think this is the kind of thing that varies between relationships. Some people would enjoy it but only if both parties are willing.

Clearly and understandably this was terrifying for you and YANBU to walk away from the relationship.

Does he know about your past experiences? If not that might explain why he would think this might be ok & why he didn’t immediately communicate with you during it.
If he does know what you’ve been through then he’s an absolute dick.

Original poster
RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:29

We have not ever discussed him dominating me at all, it wasn’t hinted at or agreed upon hence my shock (and my reaction) it wasn’t part of playfighting or sex in fact I was almost drifting off to sleep. Nothing of that Ilk going on. Just to be fully clear.
If we had been or it had been discussed obviously I’d be ok with it (if I’d agreed) but I probably wouldn’t agree even if asked as I found it distressing to suddenly be unable to move properly, and the fact he didn’t tell me what he was doing when I asked.

OP posts:
Banangana · 28/07/2019 20:32

I think that's really weird. You weren't play fighting and it wasn't a case of trying to 'spice things up' during sex. Why does he need 'control' during a spoon?

Original poster
RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 20:32

He does know about my experiences yes.
I wouldn’t say my experiences made my reaction worse at all (I have never had something like this done to me) but it has effected the aftermath as I find myself self doubting wondering if it is that bad or if I’d somehow given him the signal it was ok which sounds bloody stupid when you think about it logically... gah. Sad
Sorry, but that’s why I’m posting here. I don’t always know what to do for the best and self doubt a lot

OP posts:
ALittleBitAlexis · 28/07/2019 20:33

Very strange thing to do while you were drifting off to sleep! You definitely weren't unreasonable, you'd probably have struggled to fall asleep in his company again anyway.

OldUnit · 28/07/2019 20:42

He's absolutely testing your boundaries.

You're led there innocently spooning and his mind is thinking about how to physically restrain you? Creepy as fuck.

His mask slipped and he's desperately scrabbling to gloss over it but you've seen him now. Can't be unseen.

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/07/2019 20:56

Block him, he’s trying to see what he can get away with.

funnylittlefloozie · 28/07/2019 21:08

Your reaction was absolutely right. His behaviour was very odd indeed, and its not acceptable to pull a stunt like this out of the blue.

You are quite right to end things and block him.

Tavannach · 28/07/2019 21:12

You are right to be shocked - it's not normal behaviour. Block him and move on.

LawnsLT · 28/07/2019 21:32

Not saying it’s right, you was held against your will BUT does sound like a game that has gone terribly wrong - my OH does it all the time but he knows my boundaries and would never hurt me - if that makes sense?
The Johnny nelson used to be a wrestler I think...

Freespirit24 · 28/07/2019 21:36

I think you are right to be upset but wrong for dumping him for this reason. Relationships are about getting to know each other, learning about each others deal breakers. The boy made a mistake and he thought you would like it. He knows not to do this again. You will end up alone if you dump everyone for making a mistake.

I think you should come around and move on from this and be happy. If he has been great up and until this point then it is a bit of an over-reaction.

ashtrayheart · 28/07/2019 21:42

Free spirit are you for real?
I would rather be alone than with someone who pinned me down when I’m drifting off with no prior discussion - makes me feel quite panicky just thinking about it!

NavyBlueHue · 28/07/2019 21:46

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”

He’s shown you who he is.

You’ve done the right thing.

Freespirit24 · 28/07/2019 21:47

Free spirit are you for real?
I would rather be alone than with someone who pinned me down when I’m drifting off with no prior discussion - makes me feel quite panicky just thinking about it!

The OP made it seem like her boyfriend was trying to be sexual with her and it did not come across as domestic violence to me. A lot of people like to have a very kinky sex life and the OP clearly isn't into it. perhaps he should have talked to her first before trying that but I doubt he intended any harm he is just sounding like a very sexual person.

HolyMilkBoobiesBatman · 28/07/2019 21:48

@Freespirit24 It’s not about breaking up because he made a mistake, it’s about losing all trust in someone after they put you in a vulnerable position knowing full well that you have previously experienced domestic violence.
The “You’ll end up alone” nonsense is useless and degrading advice. Far better to be alone than with someone who exploits your vulnerability. Any decent and understanding person wouldn’t put their OH in a position vulnerability unless it was a kink they both enjoyed.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 28/07/2019 21:49

You’ve definitely done the right thing. As others have said that behaviour is a massive red flag.

It’s perfectly natural to question if you’ve don’t the right thing but I really hope he doesn’t worm his way back in.

formerbabe · 28/07/2019 21:51

Oh my god, that is so terrifying.

formerbabe · 28/07/2019 21:53

perhaps he should have talked to her first before trying that but I doubt he intended any harm he is just sounding like a very sexual person

What a load of shit.
He sounds like an absolute monster.

Freespirit24 · 28/07/2019 21:55

@HolyMilkBoobiesBatman

I do not remember the post saying that the OP experienced domestic violence. To me it sounded like a complete over-reaction as why would you lose trust in someone for trying to perform a naughty sexual act? He obviously stopped and got it wrong but unless this was intentional to the point he wanted to inflict harm on her then its an over-reaction.

Perfectly fine to be upset, feel hurt and feel anything you want to but to end the relationship is a bit far and to me perhaps it was harsh saying she would up alone but the OP just seems to sensitive and needs to realise that not everyone is perfect!

formerbabe · 28/07/2019 22:00

Even if his behaviour was excusable, the op is entitled, as is everyone, to end a relationship for any reason at all, or even no reason.

Original poster
RelationshipEnquiry · 28/07/2019 22:00

I state clearly (the very first part of my OP) that I have been around a lot of DV.

Throughout the course of the thread I have also very clearly stated nothing sexual or “naughty” was going on I was actually starting to drift off to sleep.we were not playing. We were not having sex and at almost 30 I’d hardly call him a boy.

Some of your facts are way off but thanks for your opinion regardless Freespirit

OP posts:
InvisibleHamster · 28/07/2019 22:02

‘Not everyone is perfect’

Tell me then, what actual reasons are there for wanting to take control of someone falling asleep? Nothing good whatsoever.