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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and FIL walking into our house

152 replies

FatAndFurious7 · 28/07/2019 18:37

My MIL and FIL live just around the corner from us. They're wonderful and we have a good relationship.. but they have a habit of just wandering into our house unannounced, without a meet up planned and come to find us wherever we are.. they don't even call / shout as they come in to announce they're here.

Luckily every time this has happened so far weve just been sat around or in the garden or something so not a problem. But were TTC at the mo so dtd a lot and randomly though the day and I'm so worried about them wandering in I've started locking the door all day!

AIBU or is this normal MIL / FIL behaviour. Should me or DH just flat out tell them to stop it?

OP posts:
Osirus · 28/07/2019 23:48

If nothing changes, they are going to ramp this behaviour right up if and when you have a baby.

Keep doors locked whenever you don’t want them to walk in (and possibly always, tell them you feel vulnerable leaving it unlocked or similar).

Celticrose · 29/07/2019 00:03

I would definitely lock the doors but you can also have the doors alarmed. We had this done when we had the house alarm put in. If you ever forget to lock the door an alarm will go off when the door is opened so you will know someone has come in.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 29/07/2019 00:16

My Fil once let himself in at half past ten at night. DMil used to have a key for emergencies which he kept after she’d died. We were only in the living room watching tele but still. We heard the door go, we looked at each other a lá WTF? and in he strolled like he owned the place. He always did have a bit of a ‘what’s yours is mine’ complex with regards to his sons.

He let himself in once when we were out. I’ve told this before. It was the school holidays, we’d been busy, the house was a shit tip, we’d had friends over the night before and hadn’t cleared up the kitchen and he’d popped round with a friend and made them both a cup of tea. I was so embarrassed, god knows what the friend thought of the state of our house.

Happynow001 · 29/07/2019 00:29

@MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig
I hope you've got your key back now. Your FIL has no manners it seems, nor any respect for you and your husband. That's actually more of a problem than the state of your home when he let himself and some random chum in.

FreddiesMammy · 29/07/2019 00:29

God this is so weird. I’d never visit anyone without arranging first, except maybe my mum or nan, but I’d definitely knock

Colouringaddict · 29/07/2019 00:37

Tell them it is lovely to see them but you’re trying to make them a grandchild, as it isn’t a spectator sport, could they knock please, you wouldn’t want them to be embarrassed Smile

Yeahnahmum · 29/07/2019 00:40

@ememem84 holy shit
Good on you for changing the locks!!!
Also f them 😊

PickAChew · 29/07/2019 00:43

You should lock the doors, anyhow. Anyone could walk in and empty your handbag, nab your laptop or an unattended phone...

TwistyTop · 29/07/2019 00:55

This is not normal. I know some families have a dynamic where they pop by randomly, but surely it is normal in these situations to knock, or at least shout "hello, it's me!" When they enter the house. And surely you don't just wander upstairs to their bedroom if you don't see them downstairs?? Sounds like they are actually trying to invade your privacy...

So many kinds of wrong going on here. And I 100% agree with the PP who said that this behaviour will ramp up massively when you have your baby. You need to stamp this out right now and put some boundaries in place.

Can't you just lock your door? I don't care how nice the area you live in is, I don't understand people who just leave the door unlocked. I live in rural Australia and have about 4 neighbours in reasonable walking distance to my house. There is no crime here simply because there are no people. I still lock my door. You never know what could happen. It's a totally unnecessary risk.

ememem84 · 29/07/2019 03:18

Oh absolutely. Dh will get the key back. And I’ve put a chain up. So even if they did have a second copy (wouldn’t suprise me) the chain will be on when we’re home. Our door is on a latch so is usually locked anyway.

I did know Fil was coming to get the ladder. But didn’t know when. And dh has specifically told him it was outside. By the front door. So just to pick it up.

The crazy thing is that when the GIrlfriend moved in (mil and Fil are divorced) she demanded we hand back keys to fils place. Which we did.

Beestripey · 29/07/2019 06:16

Awful of them!! its really not normal.

You can get simple magnetic door sensors that will sound a doorbell noise when the door is opened (ding dong like a shop, or an alarm noise). So if you don't want to change locks (I would in a flash), and they insist on being are being rude selfish arses, then you could at least try that. eg this one door alarm chime

PuzzledObserver · 29/07/2019 09:27

Did anyone notice the bit in the OP where she said she has now started locking the doors all day?

longwayoff · 29/07/2019 09:37

@RedHeadDiana, couldn't agree more, family or not. Lock your doors or get a dog.

TixieLix · 29/07/2019 10:05

Get a sign for your door?

MIL and FIL walking into our house
MIL and FIL walking into our house
MIL and FIL walking into our house
Monsterinmypocket · 29/07/2019 10:09

Nope not normal for me.

You just need to be honest with them and say you're thinking of starting a family and its inappropriate for them to just come over. I'm not sure if you want to tell them though. Either that or stick a wedge under the door or lock it. I'm sure after a few times of coming around to a locked door and you saying that you dudnt know they were coming, they will get the message.

Either that or invite yourself around theirs at 5am!

Thehop · 29/07/2019 10:10

I’d say letting them catch you dtd should solve this.

longwayoff · 29/07/2019 10:31

@ememem84, a chain is not enough. They sound like just the kind of people to invite themselves round while you're out so they can have a good snoop through your papers. Change the locks.

Monsterinmypocket · 29/07/2019 10:35

Do you have a rather exhibitionist friend?

You could always get them dressed up in some frisky underwear at yours while you go out. When your parents inevitably barge in unannounced your friend could say "I'm just house sitting for (your names) they did mention that you tend to drop by completely unannounced at this time".

If any friends have any exotic pets/feisty tropical birds you could borrow them and say you will intermittently be helping them out with looking after them in the future.

I think the best thing you can do is always be on your way out and only have a few minutes when they arrive, then ask them to leave as your leaving. That way they may start ringing beforehand to check your plans.

Happynow001 · 29/07/2019 10:37

@TixieLix
Great signs but I suspect people who have such a high opinions themselves and such low regard for other people's privacy or boundaries would just ignore them.

longwayoff
@ememem84, a chain is not enough. They sound like just the kind of people to invite themselves round while you're out so they can have a good snoop through your papers. Change the locks.

I agree with Longwayoff. Besides how can you be sure FIL has no duplicated. He's hardy likely to own up....

whothedaddy · 29/07/2019 10:41

I'm really suprised at the amount of PP who think it's totally normal to just walk into someones house. I love my parents and my MIL and they are ABSOLUTELY WELCOME ANYTIME, THEY EVEN HAVE DOOR KEYS. hOWEVER tHEY WOULD NEVER DREAM OF OPENING THE DOOR WITHOUT KNOCKING FIRST.i WOULDN'T EVEN WALK INTO MY CHILDHOOD HOME WITHOUT RINGING THE DOORBELL TO ANNOUNCE i'D ARRIVED.

whoops shouty caps

PuzzledObserver · 29/07/2019 11:37

Even if you do have permission to walk in (which should not be assumed, IMO), you surely announce yourself on arrival.

I think it's fairly normal for adult children to walk into their parents' house without knocking, as they usually still have keys and used to live there - but surely if the parents aren't in the room they first enter (in our house, you went round the back and went into the kitchen), you go into the hall and call out.

I live 2 hours away from my Mum, so would never turn up unannounced. If the dogs hadn't announced my presence by barking, prompting her to come to the door while I was getting my stuff out of the car, I would let myself in but immediately shout "It's me!"

Piffle11 · 29/07/2019 13:06

You want to stop this now: it will get worse if you have a child. I woke up once from a nap (when DC1 was newborn) to find MIL and her SIL stood over me - in our bedroom! Friend of mine woke once when her child just born to find MIL taking the baby out of the cot - luckily the baby was in their room (couple of months old) otherwise MIL would have just taken her without asking. She'd come to 'take her for a walk' - trying to do it without even asking my friend. Start locking your doors as these people will never change.

SodOffNoddy · 29/07/2019 13:34

I don't understand why anyone has a hard time telling someone not to do something.
My P.I.L tried this the first time they visited us in our new home. They got told in no uncertain terms to knock and wait until someone answered in future, even if the door was unlocked.
Which they have done ever since.
If they have a key, either get it back off them or change the lock, it's not rocket science.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/07/2019 14:51

DH agrees and has actually spoken to them about it before but they have a habit of brushing it off as if we're being silly and we're family so it's fine

I think you've got blinkers on where your PIL are concerned.
They are not 'nice' people - and you only think you've got a good relationship with them because you allow them to walk all over you.
See how they tune changes when you set boundaries.....

They feel entitled to invade your privacy because they don't view you as independent adults.
When asked to respect your privacy - and your rules - they belittle and over-rule you.
They refuse to recognise that you and DH are a family of your own, and when you have a dc you will officially be a family unit of your own.

As only children i guess neither of you have much of a yard stick to compare their behaviour so you just assume it's all ok/normal.
I suggest you start respecting your privacy and autonomy more and lay down some boundaries, otherwise it will be an even bigger battle once DC gets here and PIL continue their "OUR family OUR rules" power play with your dc too.

Justhavingacry · 29/07/2019 23:01

My PILs do this, it was weekly. I found myself getting anxious to the point of physical problems every week.

I ended up just losing my bananas and laying out my expectations of their behavior in my home
They told me that sometimes they don't feel welcome - yes, that would be because you're not...

PILs have now been told its not OK to turn up announced and wander around like they own the place.
They are expected to txt or call ahead (and when they have, we've never said no) knock on the front door and wait for someone to answer it.

I know they're family, and they are a bored in their retirement - but them wanting to be nosey/entertained should never come at the cost of me feeling comfortable in my own home.

It lasted a few months but has been shrugged off in recent weeks, i'm looking into some new security measures:

Shock therapy, if I could get them to wear those collars that give a zap when they get too close?

Motion activated sprinklers

An alarmed camera system that blares "hippity hoppity get the F off my property"