Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive a partner for doing cocaine as a one off?

158 replies

MysteryManchild · 28/07/2019 01:30

Have a one year old dd at home, he’s very recklass with drinking and had a tendency to start fights/go wild and gamble money while drunk, never this though.

Really don’t want to drip feed so honestly he hasn’t always been the nicest to me and I suspect a bit of an alcohol problem but he drinks so rarely that I’ve let it slid.

Ex partner was an alcohol and coke addict which may be clouding my judgement but I want to pack his bags..

OP posts:
LatteLove · 28/07/2019 11:13

Just read the rest of the thread.

FFS woman get some self respect and do the right thing for you and your daughter and throw this absolute fucking moron out. He has zero redeeming features. And fuck his arsehole mother as well.

JeNeBaguetteRien · 28/07/2019 11:17

If they are actually stopping you from leaving then call the police.
You said all this in front of your daughter and then said he's not allowed near her - which is it?

You need to stand up for yourself and your innocent child who did not choose any of this shit.

TooTrue says he did not make mistakes, he made decisions. Time for you to make some decisions in order to keep your DD safe.

A

thethoughtfox · 28/07/2019 11:27

Call the police if he is threatening to kill himself.

thethoughtfox · 28/07/2019 11:29

He will either get the support he needs or he will miraculously stop threatening that.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 28/07/2019 11:32

Going to be honest here and say I may have made him out to sound worse than he actually is. The drinking and gambling does not happen very often, every few months, sometimes every few weeks if he’s particularly stressed, but for the most part he is lovely to me and dd adores him. He does have a darkness inside him that’s existed pre-me and that he did hide for the first year of our relationship. Dd was a surprise a few weeks into us dating and I was just out of an abusive relationship where I’d had a miscarriage and though I tried to go through with an abortion I couldn’t. We made it work with a few bumps that obviously come with barely knowing someone and then ending up pregnant. I love dd, she’s my world, but I am damaged from my ex in ways I don’t think I will ever recover from. Relationship wise I can be quite cold, a self preservation sort of thing so I’m prepared for when things like this happen. Not that I’m making any excuses for him, I’m honestly finished here and waiting until I can leave, but I am scared simply because I feel ganged up on and I’m scared of what he might do if he actually sees me leave with her.

I know it’s easy to be on the other side of a keyboard and read something like this and just want to scream and give me a shake, but it’s not that easy. I have no money, no job, no where else to go apart from my mums for 1 or 2 nights, I can’t just run out now and have him follow me screaming and begging in the street. Men can be so dangerous, I know that from experience so forgive me for trying to do this as carefully as possible. I had no idea he was this person until more than a year in, yes I’m stupid, yes I have zero backbone but I’m trying to do this the only way I know how, so I’m sorry if you all think I’m pathetic. I love my dd more than anything and would rather go to prison than ever let him hurt her.

OP posts:
madeabooboo · 28/07/2019 11:53

Oh god here we fucking go.
He's not that bad...he's a peach really...
Except he's not. He's an utter loser who acts like someone half his age. And you don't sound much better either

PippiDeLena · 28/07/2019 12:01

Please call the police and have them escort you out of the house. He sounds dangerous, and when his comedown hits and his mum goes home he's going to be even worse to be around. Don't tell them you're calling the police, let them find out when the police are at the door, then you can get away cleanly.

Once you're at your mum's, call women's aid and look into staying in a shelter with your DD. Take both of your important documents with you (birth certs, passports etc.) And just go. Your loyalty is with your daughter and this situation is damaging for her.

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/07/2019 12:10

You need counselling for your self esteem and you probably need specialist support to leave what is clear to everyone but yourself is an extremely abusive relationship. You are deluding yourself left, right and center. Those of us who have read this thread and your previous one are able to pick out the telling details that expose his true character in between your attempts to claim he's not that bad.

Please try and stop minimizing and making excuses for him. Not for us but for you and your DD's sake.

He has serious issues with drinking, finances and gambling and can go on a binge anything from every few weeks to every few months. Newsflash - that is often to any reasonable person. He has threatened suicide when you stand up to him, he has threatened to take your baby from you and has tried to portray you as having mental health issues - that is classic controlling abusive behaviour in its extreme form. According to your previous thread he has no money and is in debt so he clearly does not have £500 to blow on hookers strippers, drink and drugs. That is money that should be providing for his family, for your DD. Wake up and smell the coffee. You may well need help and support to break free and that is OK, many victims do. Until you accept that fact though you won't even try and get support and you and your DD will just sink deeper into this man's shit-pit of self-destruction.

northernknickers · 28/07/2019 12:37

'Every few months, every few weeks if he's particularly stressed'!!!

Seriously OP...listen to yourself...read that back TO YOUR DAUGHTER...that is NOT FUCKING NORMAL BEHAVIOUR!!

Why are you trying to normalise this? Jesus Christ! I'm out 🤷‍♀️Go screw your own life up and stop posting on here...you clearly don't listen 🤦‍♀️

FatThor · 28/07/2019 12:54

Fucks sake so now his mother (presumably 60,70ish?!) is fuelling the fucking ridiculous drama too.

Crying, begging, vomiting, wailing..."there is a darkness inside him" What a load of old white. He is a drunken loser, it's not romantic, he isn't a special case, he is a twat and you and his mother are giving him all the attention he wants.

Is your daughter going to grow up learning to fuel his bullshit too?

FatThor · 28/07/2019 12:54

shite not white

FatThor · 28/07/2019 12:56

Also £500 down? Stinking of perfume? Hotel room? If he hasn't been shagging someone else I would be astonished

raspberryk · 28/07/2019 13:29

You're a fool.
Plenty of people leave relationships with nothing more than what they're standing up in.
Get a back bone for your dd's sake she will be more and more damaged by this the longer it goes on.
You need therapy, put a stop to this cycle of abusive men.

saraclara · 28/07/2019 13:53

WTF?

OP has SAID SHE'S LEAVING

Why are people posting as if she's staying and putting up with him?

saraclara · 28/07/2019 13:55

I honestly can't believe that people are attacking this poor woman. She has no job and no money, but she's still going to go, even if she ends up at a homeless hostel. Yet people are being absolutely foul to her.

TwoPups · 28/07/2019 13:59

No, I’d think he was a dickhead.

Oulidae · 28/07/2019 14:04

Knowing tha damage and misery inflicted on the communities involved in the supply chain and production of cocaine I could never be friends with let alone in a relationship with someone who uses cocaine.

raspberryk · 28/07/2019 14:08

She's making excuses and minimising, they are all the things you do when you say you'll leave but actually you won't do it right now because of x, y & z.
Having been there and supported friends through this I , and a lot of people on this thread clearly recognise this behaviour.

avalanching · 28/07/2019 14:10

"very recklass with drinking and had a tendency to start fights/go wild and gamble money while drunk, never this though."

This would be enough to leave even before the cocaine.

teachermam · 28/07/2019 14:13

I'd forgive for the once off cocaine but I'd be very worried about the reckless drinking and fights

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/07/2019 14:15

As soon as he falls asleep I can leave with dd but right now they are both stopping me

Then you call the police if they won’t let you leave rather than leave a child in that situation.

tartanlass1 · 28/07/2019 14:17

OP you really need to get yourself and your daughter out of this situation. I know it must feel like you have a mountain to climb but plenty women who have nothing do it by leaving with nothing but the clothes on their back. If you can't do it for yourself then at least do it for your little one before she becomes affected. She will end up with the same low self esteem that you have and will think it is normal putting up with this kind of crap.

Your boyfriend sounds like an absolute moron and it is concerning you've gone from saying how it is to suddenly "he's not as bad as I made out". Seriously get help!

I'm also shocked at the amount of folk who don't seem to have an issue with the drug use, even if it was a one off. Drugs kill - fact! I lost my brother to drugs and know the misery they cause, never, ever is it just a one off and the fact you've gone from one coke head to another again says it all about how worthy you feel you are. You are better than this and so is your little girl. Please leave him and get help for you both.

tartanlass1 · 28/07/2019 14:18

Oh and tell his mother to piss off. She is just scared she is landed with him!

IncrediblySadToo · 28/07/2019 14:21

Why don’t you ask your brother to come around and help you leave safely?

You’d be better to ting women’s aid today than have him turning up on your mum’s door step.

You need to get some space to look at this objectively he’s every bit as bad as your ex, you’re only just starting to see the real him.

You need to get your DD FAR FAR away from him, she’s a baby - babies ‘adore’ people who cuddle them and make them laugh...it means Jack shit. She needs protecting from him

Go safely 🌷

saraclara · 28/07/2019 14:22

Having been there and supported friends through this

And did you call your friends a fool? Surely, given that the OP has decided to leave, you should be encouraging her rather than calling her stupid. Because the latter hardly sounds like support to me.