DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

[dogletsrock]

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

Umm, it's possible that by your having to contact the police that the circumstances (ie, alcoholic in sole charge of a vulnerable child with SEN left him in a tent to go and get shitfaced) will trigger a referral to Social Services.

If I leave my son will possibly not forgive me. Even though last night he was really scared. Today he just wants his dad back. I wish I had an easy answer.

I want my dad back, but alcoholism took him from me a long time ago. He just isn't who he used to be. I think really my dad is dead, and what I have left is his shell, inhabited by an alcoholic.

I think as pp have said, your DH placed himself in a position where he was highly likely to lapse. I wonder if on some level he wanted to go, knew the risks and so took your son along hoping that his presence would keep him sober. This failed. He can have a role as parent whether you stay together or separate. He cannot, IMO, be responsible for your son whilst staying overnight somewhere far from you.

So glad to hear you made it safe back with your boy. As others have said you said like a fantastic parent! 💐💐💐I’m so sorry about your husband’s issue and the dilemma you face now. No experience of this but often around at 3am to listen!

Everyone has been amazing and you have all given me a lot to think about. My DH went to rehab and they have a family support group which I still go to. It definitely has been a journey and he has made massive steps forward. 2 years ago he was drinking all day everyday and ended up in a mental health ward. My son has seen some horrendous things but I have made sure he has had help and support all the way. He has a councillor at school and he does talk to me. He is the best ever and it kills me that I might be part of the problem that is hurting him. But whatever way I turn he is going to hurt. He loves his Dad and cannot see being without him would be better. I know I have to be the adult but he will not understand.

Having been there, I would recommend Alanon for you and Alateen for your son, if they're available in your area. I found the 'didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it' mantra really useful as I was carrying heavy feelings of guilt and responsibility and was constantly trying to protect my OH from the consequences of his actions. They suggest not making any major decisions immediately (unless there is abuse/violence) but I found it really helpful in moving the focus away from trying to get help for my OH onto how I was going to build a happy, fulfilled life for myself and my kids, whether my OH continued to drink or not.

You cannot decide what to do based on what your son will want - kids do not know what is best for them, they really don't. Of course he won't want you to split up - he will want things to stay as they are and for his dad to not drink.

I am the adult child of an alcoholic and feel it scarred me for life. I think you need to go to counselling or AlAnon to discuss (it sounds as though you already do) - but what happened yesterday was very serious. The thing about being in relationships with alcoholics is that the constant "not knowing what state they're in" or "whether they're going to relapse soon" is in itself highly stressful and can cause anxiety problems for life. I loathed alcohol by the time I left home, only to end up with a disordered relationship to it myself by my 30s (now 5 years sober).

Please don't stay using your son as a shield ("it's what he wants me to do!"). He is not the adult here, and he needs you to be strong and do the right thing.

Just to add as well that at only a few months sober and having previously been a serious daily drinker, your husband should never have gone to a festival. I'm surprised anyone thought it was a good idea - I would have desperately wanted to avoid situations like that as I would have known I'd be overwhelmed by visions of other people seemingly having a great time doing the very thing I myself can't do responsibly.

Both you and your son are strong. The last 24 hours has proven that. You both handled a very difficult and stressful situation amazingly well. I hope you can see that, and be proud of what a great mother you are, and what a wonderful boy you are raising.

I know you are in a horrible position, but your son will understand whatever decision you make. You said that he is getting outside help, and you are as well, and that is great. In the end make the best decision for you, and it will be right for your son. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for all of you.

Oh @dogletsrock you're in such a predicament. Nobody else should judge and only you can decide what the best move is for you all.

I lost my mum to alcoholism at Easter, I hadn't spoken to her for a year as it was making me ill to watch her slowly kill herself and I naïvely thought she'd have a wake-up call if I went no contact. But she chose the alcohol over me and my brothers. At least that's what it feels like and people tell me she didn't CHOOSE the alcohol, she was just not strong enough to fight it. I still feel a ton of resentment, anger and sadness though. She died alone and wasn't found immediately, it makes me so sad that her 64 years came to an end like that. But alcohol had been her constant since 2003 and in the end she was existing rather than living.

Alcoholism changes the ones you you love into someone you no longer recognise and it's so hard to deal with.

I really hope you work out the best resolution and your H gets help and the willpower he so badly needs.

This : Alcoholism is so awful to live with as a child, it frightening, confusing and unpredictable and the worse part is it follows you around for life.

I left my alcoholic mother at the age of 12 to live with a dad whom I'd only see 4 times a year if that for holidays. Even after I moved and got some peace, the drunk phone calls, suicide threats and hospitalisation followed me around as an adult esp once mobile phones became common use. Eventually she drank herself to death.

Saying that, some of my friends alcoholic parents are functioning and keeping themselves curbed - the message to remember is that everybody is different and only you can know what's right for you and your son.

Please look after yourselves and perhaps avoid future places that would cause him to be tempted. X

@wheresmypersonality - I totally agree with you.

OP, as a child of an alcoholic mother, believe me when I say that it isn't healthy for a child to see and experience the things your DS has. I remember some horrible things, and they will always be with me.

I had already left home when my DM left DF, but my little sister was still there (with DF). Even then I worried about DM sitting on her own in her flat getting drunk every night, but it was such a relief that I didn't have to witness it any more. I even took her to AA meetings but she threw it back in my face saying I never tried to do anything to help her. I would visit her at work and she would absolutely reek of alcohol - how she didn't get fired fuck only knows.

Unless an alcoholic is totally committed to staying dry, and permanently, you will be caught in a vicious circle, and it will damage DS. 'Oh, he only has a relapse every few months' means he's not totally committed to staying dry.

Avoiding places where an alcoholic might be tempted isn't the Op's responsibility. And if he chooses to drink he can buy it at the local co-op. I tried so hard to stop my OH from drinking; everything from emotional blackmail to hiding his bank card to pouring booze down the sink. It wasn't my job. My job was taking care of me and my children.

I’m glad you sorted out the immediate crisis that your dh had caused.

I am worried that although it sounds like he won’t acknowledge what he has done to his son (or to you), you are all too happy to try and cover up what he has done and smooth it all over... because you can’t really, can you? No matter how much you want to.

You can’t give your DS his dad back. Only that man can start taking responsibility for his own actions, stop relying on his own wife and son to absorb the emotional damage and physical difficulties he puts them into... and sorts himself. Only then can your son have his dad back at all properly.

Until then you’re all just pretending.

And I’m afraid the odd good moment does not outweigh the underlying fear that your son must live in. Because he can’t ever trust that he’s going to get ‘his’ dad, or whether his dad will selfishly decide he loves the drink more than he loves his son in that moment.

And maintaining that climate of fear is no kind of life, and is no kind of childhood.

Would your partner bother to keep up visits to his son if you did split up? Or would you get left holding everything and neatly being the bad guy?

I think you need some counselling to get through this. Perhaps family counselling?

I know you’re minimising it all and probably the discourse of ‘it’s a disability like any other’ can come in handy to do that. I saw it in a previous post. But I’m very seriously physically disabled, yet pour every ounce of my physical and emotional being into creating as good a childhood for my son as possible. Everything is about doing that. So it gets kinda tricky when people lump addictions in with all other disabilities, as quite clearly your dh isn’t doing anything at all similar to me and thousands like me with physical and mental disabilities but whom are still 100% focused on our children. As he is so selfishly focused on his relationship with drink and what it gives him, he quite honestly doesn’t give a f*ck about his family. Who the hell walks away from your child with an, sober, and decides not to bother carrying on being a parent. Who opts put like that?!

Not to say he doesn’t deserve help or sympathy etc., but it’s not the same as so many other disabilities. It just isn’t.

I also have to add that, in the year or so before her death, my DM developed skin cancer on her face. She flatly refused treatment though, as it would've meant she would've had to stop drinking, and she wasn't prepared to do that, not even to save her own life .

Not to say he doesn’t deserve help or sympathy etc., but it’s not the same as so many other disabilities. It just isn’t.

This. Saying it's a disability is just another excuse not to take responsibility for it.

I’ve read but not commented until now. Your most recent posts, about the potential impact on your son of your marriage ending, has driven me to comment.

A significant number of the posters here have shared their experiences as children of alcoholics. In every case that I can recall, both here and in similar discussions elsewhere, the same trend emerges. The grown-up children of alcoholics seem never to say that they wish their sober parent had remained in a relationship with the alcoholic. It’s almost universal. With a long-term perspective, children do not want their sober parent to remain with an alcoholic. Please think carefully about that.

Op..youare amazing strong lady with amazing bond to your son. The last 24 hours has shown you at your strongest! X

You are amazing!
I have a so who is 16 with Aspergers and reading through the messages my heart was heavy with worry as I’d be in bits if it was me in your situation. Your son did very well being on his own in a different environment and calling you, I bet you’re very proud of him.

I really don’t know what I’d do in you situation with your husbands drinking and then leaving your son. It would take me along time to trust him again.
Glad you got to your son and he’s safe at home with you.

OP I'm so pleased your son is safe. And that is totally down to you.

To offer further perspective on the leave him / stay situation, here's my story. And I only offer this because of one thing you said - and that was 'He will find a way to make it my fault'

My Dad was an alcoholic. He made every excuse under the sun for his problem. My Mum didn't even know the half of it until he left the Navy and realised even the Padre had been helping him hide his problem. My Mum had me and my sister (severe Downs) He placed us in danger several times.
In the end, he took to beating her in front of me. You may well say this would never happen in your case. But it took me (aged 4) launching myself at him and screaming Get Off My Mum! At that point, she knew we had to get away so we literally ran away from him in the middle of the night. Stayed for 6 weeks at a relatives house who he would never have thought of (not that his alcohol riddled brain could think much)
I missed school for that whole 6 weeks as my Mum couldn't chance him taking me.
I'm sorry to project my experince onto you. But there has to come a point whereby there is a wakeup call. I didn't want him in my life after that. I ended up being very close to my grandfather as a father figure. And later in life, my new step Dad.
Neither me or my Mum regretted leaving that day. He tried to ring me, but he was always pissed. One year near Christmas he asked on the phone if he could send me some slippers. He asked my size. I reluctantly took the phone and said size 1. He asked what size the other foot was. This was the point I was done with him. I was 6. But I knew I'd seen and heard enough. I made that decision. My sister couldn't. She didn't have the mental capacity. I made the decision for us both. At 6 years old.

Again, I'm sorry to project. But something to think about while you decide what is best for you and your DS. It's not easy.
Huge hugs x

I'm glad your son is home safe

It's a hard situation to be in but my dad was an alcoholic. He went to rehab god knows how many times, he "changed" countless times but at the end of the day he always chose the drink.

Your DH has no reason to change or ever recover ... He knows you will walk on hot coals to cover up and maintain the happy family image for your DS. Why would he change ? Now you’ve experienced him abandoning your Autistic Son in a tent leaving him alone all night alone at a music festival miles away from home... your not acting in your DS’s best interests, your acting in your DH’s interests, and who is looking after You OP, caring about you and your needs? I do hope you seek third party advice even to have someone to talk too to help you find a better safer future for you and your DS.

You can leave and provide a call safe home for your DS which still includes contact with his Dad.

But you can ensure home is free of the moods and whims of an alcoholic father.

Contact can be planned and structured and stopped easily if dad starts drinking again.
You cannot keep him away from the effects whilst your DH lives with you.

I do know how very very hard that feels. But alcohol is a nasty drug that robs people of their ability to be what their families need them to be sadly.

If I think back 2 years he has come a long way.
He hasn't really. He was drunk then and he was drunk now. There's a reason AA make you start your count again from 0.

Today he just wants his dad back
That's not up to you. Only your DH can give him his dad back, by fully taking responsibility for what he has done and working relentlessly at his sobriety. Frankly if you stay with him, you are letting him know that his behaviour wasn't that bad. Imagine if something had happened to your ds last night. He should never have been put in the position of having to be the grown-up, worrying about whether his dad was alive or dead.

Your DH can see your ds every day if you want, but staying after this sends an appalling message - as so many posters who are the children of alcoholics have told you.

perhaps avoid future places that would cause him to be tempted.
This is everywhere. There's nowhere where an alcoholic isn't tempted to drink. But some situations are much more tempting than others, I would agree. Which is why the DH needed to have a strategy in place beforehand about how he would deal with the sudden impulse to drink that was very likely to arise in such circumstances. Even the smell of the booze could do it. There should have been a plan. I have one. I had to tell someone I worked with and didn't know that well what it was last year, as we were in a situation so stressful I was worried for the first time in years that I might decide to go and have a drink. (I subsequently left the company as I won't risk my sobriety that way).

Good luck, OP. And do consider that your ds may not want you to end the marriage because he doesn't want to feel like somehow it's his fault, for not coping with a situation no 15-year-old should ever have been put in.

It could be months and months til his next lapse or it could be tomorrow.

And that is the Sword of Damocles hanging over the head of every alcoholic's loved ones.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic, he's been sober over a year now but it was a hard, painful, and ugly battle for him (and us too) to get there. I've written about him before.

FYI, as part of his recovery, we attended a learning session for families. The lecturer (a PhD specializing in addiction) said that an alcoholic normally forms a plan for going off the wagon on average 2 weeks before they take that drink. So chances are your DH had already planned to have 'just one drink' at the festival thinking, as all addicts do, that they would be able to have that one then stop.

Actually, my brother has been sober a little over FOUR years now, not one! How time flies when I see him living his best life.