DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

[dogletsrock]

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

If he’s a recovering alcoholic then above ALL he should be protecting his sobriety, because everything else goes shit-shape if he doesn’t.

And frankly, going to a music festival is the polar opposite of protecting that sobriety. Never is temptation stronger, surely.

He made a very poor choice by even booking to go.

Get your son settled in at home and you take this evening to decompress.

Tomorrow search out you local AlAnon group and attend a meeting. It's time you faced your DH's alcoholism and took action for your son and yourself.

Your DH will have to deal with his drinking on his own

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

Sending love OP

Just read the full thread and have nothing but admiration for the way you handled this. Glad your son is safe.

Please let us know how you are.

Glad you found both safe and well. Hope you manage to resolve the issues with your dh.

@Corkingbig I said much the same earlier in the thread.

Unfortunately, normal and all as a sober alcoholic is, there are things that they just can't do. That takes years to come to terms with sometimes and sometimes you make mistakes. If you could compare it to someone missing an arm. Yes, there's lots of things you can do, but for example, boxing might now be out of the question.

Your DH put himself into an extremely dangerous situation. 1 Music is a massive trigger for some. 2. His feeling of joy with spending a good time with his son, also a massive trigger for some. 3. Surrounded by people drunk and drinking merrily.

What he could have done however was just had a few with your son still with him, unless your son is fearful around his Dad drinking (sometimes from things the alcoholic does or has done, sometimes from things well-meaning people might have told your son). In such a situation he might not have gotten shitfaced etc., but perhaps he knew he'd face an earbashing when you found out. For whatever reason, he didn't feel he could drink in front of your son, the craving got the better of him and well I'll be the last to cast judgment on that.

I am sure he feels like shit. He behaved appallingly in normal terms.

But he's safe, your son is safe.

An alcoholic has a disability. Can you cope with that? That's the question you've to ask yourself.

Glad you're both safe OP, I came to your thread late. Well done, you're an amazing mother xxx

Although I agree with Branleuse a page back, 100%, I wanted to tell you that I was married to an alcoholic for 12 years and in the end I left him. It was hard to leave and not everybody understood why & some people didn't want me to go as then they would have to be the ones to deal with it, but left I did.Your sentence about him blaming round & twisting it so it's your fault made me actually shudder, I know what that's like.

The thing is, that alcohol will always come first to an alcoholic. It will come before their partners and children & everything else, because that's the nature of addiction. I agree with someone who said a few pages back that this is a turning point in your relationship. Even if you forgive & go forwards, you know he can't be trusted to take your son away again. Things have to change as a result of this.

I left my husband 10 years ago this year, and I've never once regretted it. It was difficult but I was always kind of waiting for the next episode, even when things were going well I had one part of my mind saying 'its coming any time now' and for the next incident to happen. I couldn't truly ever relax. If you want to leave, then you can. I just wanted to tell you that it's OK to leave, and you're not being selfish or letting him down by doing so. At some point you have to put your own mental health and your son's health before your husband's addiction.

Best of luck OP xx

Hope you are all home safe and your DS is doing OK. Mine would probably by now have got to the point of being proud of his own bravery, and I would have made sure to praise him ots for being so sensible.

Hi, we are home. I drove and then fell asleep for a bit when we got in. I do know I need to make some choices and all I wanted today was to get my son. He decided he wanted to come home. My DH had been drinking and I do not excuse his behaviour. I just know that there is no point in trying to deal with it until he is sober and rational. I have been married a long time and can see my DH has been making enormous strides forwards. If I think back 2 years he has come a long way. I do not know if he can ever truly stop but that is the difficult thing. On Thursday it had been months and months since his last drink. He is going to therapy and aa etc. It could be months and months til his next lapse or it could be tomorrow. I probably do some enabling at points, I am seriously not perfect but I am trying to figure this out. When he is sober my son adores him and they are so good together. He is the best dad sober. How do I balance that? If I leave my son will possibly not forgive me. Even though last night he was really scared. Today he just wants his dad back. I wish I had an easy answer.

If I leave my son will possibly not forgive me.

He's more likely to not forgive you if you stay, based on what's happened this weekend.

I miss my husband; I am very frightened about the future; but I feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief at not having to deal with him in the evenings, when he's drunk and belligerent. It's hard, I won't pretend otherwise, but it is so much easier without him here.

OP just for the record I think you sound like an incredible mum and person! I hope you can work things out and I'm so glad you have them back safe x

Regardless of the alcohol issues, I couldn't forgive him just leaving your DS all by himself at s festival like that

It's so very easy OP for people to say leave. But they don't know what you guys have been through, what led to this relapse, what led to the decision to stop drinking in the first place. Only you know what's right for you and your family. Sending love. X

There isn't an easy answer. But you have all the time you need to make the decision about where is best to go from here.

Everyone is safe so that's all that matters right now. Get some rest, get some advice, take your time to think it all through before you make any plans.

You sound very sensible and like a fab mum. Most partners/families of addicts do end up doing some enabling because these things are complicated and hindsight is 20/20. No beating yourself up allowed!

Alcoholism is so awful to live with as a child, it frightening, confusing and unpredictable and the worse part is it follows you around for life.

As an adult, even if your parents separate, you still have the constant stress of a parent drinking too much, doing stupid things, drunk dialling you, your mum/dad being the most drunk/ boring/aggressive/emotional person there. The anxiety about inviting them anywhere. They can't be trusted with your children. The shame of alcoholism that exists, and the worry you might end up the same. The denial, the secrets and then of course their ill health, and near death episodes. It never leaves you.

Having one parent that steps away from that to reaffirm it's not ok and gives you a solid relationship and can be counted on is worth it weight in gold.

Op am sure you may have tried this already but do try and go along to an al-anon meeting.
For someone who is only ever in recovery for a few months at a time, I would say that a festival (where alcohol is everywhere) just with your son wasn’t a great idea, and he may well have has the idea to drink buzzing around in his mind for a while beforehand.

Not in any way saying your at any fault, but some good support may help you to see things more objectively and if you plan to continue with your dh it may help you to support him

What he could have done however was just had a few with your son still with him

I've yet to meet a recovering alcoholic who can "just" have a few, but I have met several who've thought they could and then couldn't stop. And I've lost 2 friends and several clients to alcohol.

OP you sound like an incredible Mum and a very understanding wife.

You're in a horrible, horrible position. My DM is a (recovering) alcoholic. It affected my childhood and we had incidents like this growing up all the time. It got to the point when she was told she only had weeks to live after another relapse and she's not drunk a drop since (eight years now).

There aren't any easy answers. This is all on your DH and he's really got to want to stop otherwise he won't do it - which you already will know.

How much help for this has he had? Is he doing it all himself or has he been to rehab/AA etc? My DM hated the AA and that never helped, my DF paid for a private rehab and she left within three days and in the end she went to hospital and did rehab there due to health reasons.

It's completely up to you whether you want to stay with him, don't just do it for your child. Whatever decision you make, it's got to be for you.

OP, you have been awesome and are clearly a very strong and capable person. I have no doubt that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family.

This thread has been a great example of MN at its best, too: great practical advice and loads of support. What a fab lot you all are!

@LakieLady It was nice to see all the support wasn't it! (apart from one or two). MN gets a rough ride elsewhere however there was a lot of support and offers of help which were heartwarming.

Op, you’ve done amazing. You say he is an amazing dad when sober. However when sober last night, he chose to have a first drink, knowing it would not stop at one, knowing it would impair future judgement, and knowing he was in sole charge of his child in an unfamiliar place. Please see that. I’m sorry this is all coming from strangers on the internet, I hope you and he have real life support, both family, friends and professionals.

Hugs, alcoholism is a horrible condition, it's an illness but has an element of choice, quite unusual. Do look after yourselves and think about planning for the future, where do you want to be in 5, 10 years time. My friend accepted her h back so many times, he relapsed every time, for 8 years she dealt with him, eventually she realised that the kids needed to be in a sober household more than have a dad in the house.

I’m not saying to leave, or to not by the way. Just offering perspective for your upcoming conversation, and for future decisions 💛

I’m so glad you are all safe and home. You have been amazing OP. Good luck with your next steps.

Glad you are home, as I say my ex had issues with alcohol he was also violent and controlling- you are totally correct there is nothing you can do right now. Focus on your ds. But please do not think your ds would hate you x

He is going to therapy and aa etc.

Are you? This is far too complex for you to do on your own. Are you getting help?