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Original poster

DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

945 replies

dogletsrock · 27/07/2019 00:04

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

OP posts:
GoshLookAtTheTime · 27/07/2019 14:28

How horrible the last umpteen hours have been for you. But what a strong woman and fabulous mum you’ve been in response.
I have nothing but admiration Flowers

Swellerellamoo · 27/07/2019 14:30

So glad ds is ok. Wishing you well op, well done xx

PeoniesarePink · 27/07/2019 14:39

I've just read the thread OP and am in awe of your calm judgement..... reading in between the lines I'd imagine you've had a fair bit of experience in having to deal with things like this, with your DH.

So glad your DS is safe, if a little shaken Flowers. Poor lad must have been terrified.

Belenus · 27/07/2019 14:41

This, absolutely. I have spent the last few years trying to let go of the anger I feel at my mother for enabling my father's alcoholism which damaged mine & my sister's childhoods. As an adult I'm almost paranoid around alcohol, I probably don't have a healthy or normal attitude to it, in that I always worry people will get into difficulties.

I'm also the (adult) child of an enabling mother and an alcoholic father. My dad's alcoholism didn't really start until my sibling and I were in our 20s so we didn't have to grow up with it but it does still affect us. Primarily I blame my dad. I know that addiction is a terrible thing and I know it's not his fault he's addicted. I fucking blame him for not seeking treatment and even attempting to deal with it though. And I blame him for getting into £25000 of debt because of his drinking. I put most of the blame on him.

But increasingly I am at odds with my mother's behaviour because she buys him alcohol, thereby reinforcing in his head the idea that his alcohol consumption is acceptable. I know she's in a very difficult situation but I also know she's not entirely blameless.

I wish you well OP. It is dreadful being caught up with someone else's addiction when the right decisions are the hardest to make.

Purpleartichoke · 27/07/2019 14:54

Bringing

Purpleartichoke · 27/07/2019 14:59

So ignore that post. The remaining words just disappeared.

Mix56 · 27/07/2019 15:18

So glad you got your boy safely. How dare your husband put him in this situation. I don't know what your next move will be. but my God he would be out of the door if he was my husband.
Will there be any follow up from the police ?

Catsandchardonnay · 27/07/2019 15:19

When an adult puts their need for alcohol before their kid’s welfare it crosses a line that is very hard to get back over. OP I would say that unless your DH does something very serious to quit booze for good such as rehab then you need to boot him out for your DS’s sake.

I’m speaking from experience. Not me, but my BF’s husband , my aunt and 2 of my cousins are/were alcoholics. 3 of them are dead. All had children. Don’t stay in the marriage because he needs you or you think you can save him. You can’t. Only he can.

Elletine · 27/07/2019 15:19

OP you're an amazing woman and a bloody fantastic mum x

AnnonniMoose · 27/07/2019 15:35

I am so very glad your DS (and 'D'H) is safe. I'd imagine the adrenaline is wearing off now and you're probably feeling very drained. Please drive safely Flowers.

I've NC for this as it's too outing in conjunction with my other posts, but I have three family members who drank themselves to death. My DM was an alcoholic, and the damage it did to our family and to me and my DSis was enormous. She was sober for many years, and all it took was one glass of bubbly at a wedding - she never got on the wagon again. She left my DF and kept drinking. They got back together and she still drank. She eventually drowned in the bath while DF was out.

The reason I'm saying this is because, even with all the love in the world to give to an alcoholic, it won't be enough unless they want to stop - and stop forever. As a mother of an autistic child, what your DH did would be the final straw for me.

ssd · 27/07/2019 15:44

Wishing you peace op, to see your dh as he really is and to hold your son close to you and for you both to come through this together.

Davespecifico · 27/07/2019 15:46

How does he have the brass neck to get in the car with you? If I was him, I’d have apologised profusely and slunk away in shame.

cheeseislife8 · 27/07/2019 15:47

So glad you found him ok and he's back with you. Sounds like you and DH need a serious chat and decisions to be made Flowers

ssd · 27/07/2019 15:52

Didn't the op say further up her dh would try to blame her? It sounds like he doesn't take responsibility for himself and the op carries the can. Problem is if course its one thing not to take responsibility for yourself but to also not take responsibility for your autistic son hundreds of miles from home.... Sometimes the responsible parent has to draw the line and this would be that time for me.

PirateWeasel · 27/07/2019 16:01

I hope you give DH absolute hell for this. What on earth will he have to say for himself, I wonder?

Belenus · 27/07/2019 16:04

It sounds like he doesn't take responsibility for himself

Active alcoholics don't take responsibility for themselves, they just point at the addiction. You get to the stage where it's very difficult to work out whether the addiction makes them an unpleasant, selfish, irresponsible arse or whether they were heading that way in the first place and that enabled the addiction.

The OP's H is saying drinking is more important to him than his son's safety. Rationally I would end the relationship for that. What I would do in the middle of the situation I don't know.

browzingss · 27/07/2019 16:04

Well at least dh is alive, I suppose.

Now that your son’s safe and you’re all hopefully at home, it’s time for a really frank and hard conversation with him. His behaviour yesterday was completely unfathomable - how could he put his vulnerable son in that position?

browzingss · 27/07/2019 16:09

I’m another one who had an alcoholic father and enabling mother. My mum would constantly complain about his drinking to anyone that would listen, but would stop short of actually doing anything about it.

My siblings and I still had to endure being left in the car in the pub parking lot all night whilst he was drinking, his weird behaviour when drunk (argumentative, aggressive, can’t listen to reason), the explosive rows, his excuses when sober, the throwing up, the stench etc.

I would have been much happier if she kicked him out to be honest.

YouJustDoYou · 27/07/2019 16:29

No one protected me from my alcoholic mum. I'm glad your son has you. Please please protect him.

Excited101 · 27/07/2019 16:33

So glad you got to both of them ok op

INeedAFlerken · 27/07/2019 16:38

Yes. He was 100% responsible for the safety, care and well-being of his son ... and he chose to drink while in that position, knowing there was no turning back for him once he did. He chose to drink. He didn't call his sponsor/his wife/someone for help first to say he was struggling and to come get his son or leave with his son when he realised he couldn't resist the temptation. He chose to stay and drink. And put his son in a terribly scary, vulnerable situation.

Unforgivable imo.

IncrediblySadToo · 27/07/2019 17:19

I hope you are home by now, you must be exhausted.

Hopefully DS will be fine once he feels safe at home and maybe tomorrow you can talk to him about how proud you are how he handled it all - try to squeeze some good out of the situation. Make it an event remembered for how well he coped, not how scary it was.

As for DH - you sound incredibly sensible, try not to be too swayed by the pressure from the thread to simply kick him out. It’s your life - you know your DH, you know how it’s affecting DS... only you can decide what’s right here!

The only comment I’m going to make is that you say he’ll turn it around and blame you. If he’s doing that then you really do need to look at the path to recovery that he’s taking because until he takes responsibility nothing will change

Best of luck deciding ‘what now’?
🌷

Jaffacakebeast · 27/07/2019 17:48

Ltb is thrown around in here loads, but this is probably the worst thing I’ve read a ‘d’h doing, what a prick!

Christmassaussage · 27/07/2019 17:48

Im another with experience in this field. I tried for years and caused myself endless pain and scarring myself in the process. I'm not sure how helpful this is to you but this helped me once I came to this realisation:

You cannot help those that don't want to be helped. Protect your sanity and your happiness.

Good luck OP xxx