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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has disappeared and left son at a festival

945 replies

dogletsrock · 27/07/2019 00:04

My DH is a recovering alcoholic and has seemed to be doing really well. He took my 15 year old son to a festival today at the other end of the country. At about 7pm he told my son he was going to the toilet and has not been heard of since. My son has Aspergers and is in the tent really scared. I cannot get there until 11 o’clock tomorrow as they have the car and I will have to get a train. On one hand I am beyond angry but also terrified as he has tried to kill himself when drunk before. I am beside myself with worry. What can I do?

OP posts:
TheVanguardSix · 27/07/2019 13:27

This is a real Rubicon moment for you, OP and I wish you strength as you face difficult talks ahead with your husband.

Your son was dependent upon a careless parent who cast his son’s welfare aside for the drink. He remains dependent on him. How sad.
That’s huge and relationship changing. Flowers

1Wildheartsease · 27/07/2019 13:28

You have been a good mother to your son in all this.

The fact that he called you when in this trouble suggests that he knows that he can trust you too. Clearly you have been a good mother to him over the years.

Although you love your DH and want to help, remember that you do not have to be a good mother to him.

All your choices about him are difficult ones - especially if you love him and he seems to need you. I am not sure it is possible to help an alcoholic from the outside. It does seem to be a self-help struggle.

I wish there was anything that would make all this easier for you. It seems that you deserve much better!

Bertieandernie · 27/07/2019 13:30

Glad everyone is safe! Cannot be easy for anyone in the situation Flowers

dellacucina · 27/07/2019 13:32

Glad everyone is safe. Good luck, OP

jaseyraex · 27/07/2019 13:34

Very glad to see that you're all safe and as well as can be. Good luck with whatever steps you take next OP, I hope you have good support around you Flowers

CupoTeap · 27/07/2019 13:34

So glad you've got to your ds.

My exh had an issue with alcohol- sounds like yours was doing well up to now.

RedForShort · 27/07/2019 13:36

I'm not sure the OP is looking for advice on what to do with her husband. Not only that but there's too many unknown factors for anyone else to assess it either. We don't know how long the period of 'doing well' was, 1 month or 1 year. Nor if this is the first of fiftieth time his lapsed.

legoqueen · 27/07/2019 13:37

So pleased you found him OP, your strength & composure is amazing.

StylishMummy · 27/07/2019 13:40

Glad everything's ok OP & DS is safe

LittleCandle · 27/07/2019 13:40

Your son is an absolute credit to you, OP. He didn't panic, although I have no doubt that he felt panicky and did the right thing and called you. Well done to him!

Safe journey home. I hope whatever decision you come to about your DH is the best one for you.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 27/07/2019 13:43

There's a fine line between some posters who are criticising the OP for enabling her husband - and those posters being enabling themselves because they are assuming that they know best. Let the OP get on with her own business.

All the very best, OP. I'm glad your son is safe and sound.

SauvignonBlanche · 27/07/2019 13:47

Hope your DS is ok Flowers

IvanaPee · 27/07/2019 13:47

Who’s being enabling?! Confused

UniversalAunt · 27/07/2019 13:53

I assume you are heading home.

I would be very tempted to leave DH at the festival.
He has a tent so he has a roof over his head.
Additionally there is plenty of food (& booze if he so wishes) available.
Should he need support, a previous poster mentioned that the Samaritans are on site.

He can spend the time there reflecting on what he has done, get blind drunk if that is what he wants, & come home under his own steam.

That is, come home to an honest conversation about how you are all going to live as a family.

If he hits rock bottom, so be it - he is responsible for his actions.

Leaving him at the festival is not unreasonable.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 27/07/2019 14:04

Ivana - to clarify: a few posters seem to be quite invested in giving specifics about what the OP should do, and what she shouldn't do - which rather takes the wind out of the sails of their argument that her DH should deal with his alcoholism himself.

IvanaPee · 27/07/2019 14:08

Ah sorry @AFistfulofDolores1 I understand you now! :)

MilesJuppIsMyBitch · 27/07/2019 14:09

I'm relieved that you and your son are together now.

And I'm sorry that you have to drive all the way home pushing your natural emotional response to your DH down. Been there: it's exhausting.

Shockers · 27/07/2019 14:10

Your husband will have lost your DS’s trust now, as well as yours. It’s very sad for all of you. I’d be tempted to let him read this thread when he’s in a fit enough state.

ysmaem · 27/07/2019 14:12

Oooh OP, I'm so sorry this happend. You must have been worried sick. I hope your DH understands the severity of the situation and won't attempt to brush you off with excuses for his actions. I hope your son is ok and will be able to move on from this.

midsummabreak · 27/07/2019 14:12

Do call police. Do not get him to step out of tent. Police will call him now & get him to safety.

midsummabreak · 27/07/2019 14:14

Oh so glad Ds is OK

AFistfulofDolores1 · 27/07/2019 14:14

@IvanaPee :)

Hepzibar · 27/07/2019 14:14

Midsummer The thread has moved on, OP is on her way home with her son

Stilllivinginazoo · 27/07/2019 14:18

Glad to hear your son is safe
Sometimes it's best to get home and have thinking time before reacting to things
I wish you well in any choices you make re DH

RhubarbTea · 27/07/2019 14:23

I'm so glad he's okay and he is with you now. I was worried for him.

You are right you have a lot of thinking to do. I would hands down leave my husband in these circumstances. Loads of luck to you. x