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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude not to invite partners to a wedding?

128 replies

BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 11:57

DH volunteers once a week at a community project with a dozen other people. They’re friends, they group text all the time and occasionally meet up to have a meal, and if they have a party they invite the group plus partners. So I’m acquainted with them and their partners.

One of these people is getting married and has invited them all but no partners. DH and I can’t decide if we’re offended. On one hand I’m technically not part of that group - on the other hand they and their partners are my FB friends so I do communicate with them, it seems rude to exclude partners, when anyone else has had an event they’ve always invited partners, and they all came to my wedding.

AIBU to expect to be invited?

OP posts:
CruellaFeinberg · 26/07/2019 11:58

I'm in the you don't have to invite partners if you don't know them camp - unless they wont know anyone else there

CruellaFeinberg · 26/07/2019 11:58

(but most MN-ers disagree with me)

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2019 11:59

If you can’t decide if you’re offended, why not err on the side of being happy and not be offended?

user1493413286 · 26/07/2019 12:01

I would assume it’s about numbers and having planned a wedding I can understand why they’d chose people from a group to go without partners than have to not invite some other friends because people they don’t really know are coming.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/07/2019 12:01

It’s not rude to not invite partners. They can set the guest list how they like and guests can choose to go or not.

We’ve both been to several weddings where there was no plus one invite. It’s no go deal, we aren’t joined at the hip.

saraclara · 26/07/2019 12:02

If it's a group of people that are being invited (as in the OP) then no, it's not rude to not invite partners.
Given that this is a group of 12, it would be madness for the bride and groom to invite another 12 people who they've never met in their life.
The members of the group are each other's company.

Obviously it's different if one's inviting indivdual friends who don't know many people at the wedding. It's only fair that they have their partner to talk to.

littlewriggler · 26/07/2019 12:03

I don't get the point of not inviting partners to weddings. It's supposed to be a celebration of love. I met some of my friend's partners for the first time at my wedding and it was lovely.

I think I wouldn't be offended at the lack of invitation because I get that people do this all the time and it isn't personal. But I'd definitely be annoyed, especially since you know them.

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/07/2019 12:04

I don't think it's rude, just a bit different and one way to keep numbers down. I wonder how many will attend that can't bring a partner?

PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2019 12:05

I don't get the point of not inviting partners to weddings.

Numbers can be tricky. Also, for me, I had a group of friends who I knew would want to sit together and inviting partners would mean they were split across two tables.

Original poster
BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 12:06

it would be madness for the bride and groom to invite another 12 people who they've never met in their life
They have met us. At every wedding, birthday, anniversary, house warming, bbq etc that anyone else in the group has had.

OP posts:
IAskTooManyQuestions · 26/07/2019 12:06

Personally, I think it is very rude, it simply isnt polite etiquette.

But these days, it really depends on venue, numbers and finances

MaMaMaMySharona · 26/07/2019 12:07

For my own wedding, the rule is that all partners are invited as long as we know them. We're lucky to have a venue big enough for this, but otherwise we'd be in a tricky situation as I would find it quite rude not to invite partners that we know and socialise with.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 26/07/2019 12:08

Are you the only partner excluded or are all partners not invited? If its the former then yes you're right to be offended, if its the latter then its a decision made based on finances/intimacy/vene/numbers etc

Lazydaisies · 26/07/2019 12:10

Oh I was going to say I think it is rude but then you gave the context and now I’m not sure. I feel the same as you undecided.

OrangeSlices998 · 26/07/2019 12:11

I sort of get this. I love weddings where DP & I go together, we get dressed up and have a lovely time etc HOWEVER now I'm planning our wedding, plus ones are expensive (I did know this before but realised it more so in budgeting ours!) and I don't begrudge the fact that some of DP's friends (who he went to uni with and sees regularly but who don't live near us and who I haven't met) have gotten married and didn't give him a plus one. It's a cost you can avoid, the wedding isn't for some stranger (me) to have a nice time! It's their day!

HJWT · 26/07/2019 12:14

@BizzzzyBee they probably cant afford another 12 people which is fair enough... you aren't the B&G direct friend so they shouldn't feel they cant invite their friend's due to not being able to afford partners to...

Buddytheelf85 · 26/07/2019 12:15

We generally invited partners if we knew them. But I’m very much of the view that people should be free to invite whoever they want to their weddings without causing offence - my DH has been invited to loads of weddings I haven’t been invited to and vice versa. Remember a) how much weddings cost and b) how limited space can be. They can easily be £100 a head. So 12 extra people could be another £1200 for them.

Original poster
BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 12:16

I wonder how many will attend that can't bring a partner?
That’s what we’re wondering. Basically we’re a group of 24 people who know each other and are friendly. 12 see each other every week while the other 12 only see the group at social events a few times a year. The general feeling is that half of our group of friends who would normally get together at an event like this has been excluded. The main 12 are now debating whether this lady and her partner actually see the full group as friends and whether they want to attend.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2019 12:18

Most people have about 60-80 guests. 24 is a huge proportion of that.

Teddybear45 · 26/07/2019 12:19

I would view this as they didn’t really want to invite the group or partners but invited the group members out of politeness. I personally would decline.

Original poster
BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 12:22

Are you the only partner excluded or are all partners not invited?
No partners are invited. Just the main 12 who volunteer together every week. Not the 12 partners who socialise with the group.

I can see how it costs more to invite partners but it’s not like we don’t know them. They came to our wedding and our house warming. In that situation I might have been inclined to not invite any of the group if I couldn’t invite their partners, and just keep it as a family event.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2019 12:30

It’s not just the cost, it’s the space. Even with 100 guests, you’d be a quarter of their wedding.

Pipandmum · 26/07/2019 12:36

If it’s a long term partner (not just a girlfriend/boyfriend) and they know you then I think partners should be included. The only time we excepted this was for my wedding when my husband’s brother brought his girlfriend who he was only with for a few months. She’s in the group family pix and he always says he wishes he could airbrush her out!

AE18 · 26/07/2019 12:36

Tbh given how much weddings cost it baffles me that people expect a plus 1.

"Ok so we've painstakingly narrowed our list down to 50 people we know and love, plus 50 randomers who know them."

Just doesn't make sense to me at all.

I get that it's a bit different because you do know them to an extent, but honestly the kind of person who volunteers often knows a lot of people and they're obviously going to have to pick those closest to them.

Yeahnahmum · 26/07/2019 12:36

Would YOU invite them? No.
Yabvu and entitled. They are not rude
they just wanted to share their day with the people they see every week. Not the partners that they see a few times a year.

It is probably about budget as wel. 12 extra people that you see a few times a year but still have to fork a lot of money out for?Nah... i get it

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