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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude not to invite partners to a wedding?

128 replies

BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 11:57

DH volunteers once a week at a community project with a dozen other people. They’re friends, they group text all the time and occasionally meet up to have a meal, and if they have a party they invite the group plus partners. So I’m acquainted with them and their partners.

One of these people is getting married and has invited them all but no partners. DH and I can’t decide if we’re offended. On one hand I’m technically not part of that group - on the other hand they and their partners are my FB friends so I do communicate with them, it seems rude to exclude partners, when anyone else has had an event they’ve always invited partners, and they all came to my wedding.

AIBU to expect to be invited?

OP posts:

TrickyKid · 26/07/2019 15:07

I wouldn't be offended and sometimes don't bother going to weddings we're both invited to if they are friends of dh and I've never met them.

Lamentations · 26/07/2019 15:09

So you're not really offended but don't want to miss the opportunity to be offended if we think you should be?

Not wanting to sound mean but I agree with the PP who said go with not being offended if you can manage it.

Expressedways · 26/07/2019 15:11

I think it is a bit rude but at least they’re being consistent as none of the partners are invited. I’m sure it comes down to space, money, not wanting this casual group to be a quarter of their wedding or come combination of the above. I’d personally be a bit annoyed, especially as you invited all the partners to your wedding but I wouldn’t be offended as it’s clearly not personal. Your DH should go if he’s free and enjoy the day with his friends.

LondonJax · 26/07/2019 15:14

I had to do this with the people I worked with. I basically said I could do a day invitation but no partners or an evening one with the partners. Two decided to come in the evening with their partner, the rest (about 10) decided to come for the whole day and let their hair down!

I just couldn't justify 12 people I had no real connection with sitting down whilst 12 of my or DH's extended family couldn't come as we were up to the limit on numbers.

caughtinanet · 26/07/2019 15:16

Surely if you have to decide whether you're offended then you aren't offended.

Who has time for making unnecessary dramas out of life.

If your DH doesn't want to go without you then he can politely decline, are the other volunteers teenage girls?

user1471449295 · 26/07/2019 15:16

Their wedding = their decision. They are not obliged to invite anyone. They may have a large family, lots of friends, tight budget etc. If you choose to be offended then crack on, but a bride and grooms guest list is no ones business

SnuggyBuggy · 26/07/2019 15:20

A wedding is a formal event and inviting one half of a couple is tacky and rude.

BackforGood · 26/07/2019 15:50

It is nice that you were able to afford to invite them ll, but has it not occurred to you that maybe they already have more other guests ?
Everyone's families are different sizes. Everyone has a different level of closeness to cousins, etc., Everyone has different amounts of groups of friends. It might be that you had enough space for 24 people, but it is perfectly feasbile they only have room for 12 people. It's not that hard to understand.
I see that it is slightly different in that you so all socialise a few times together, but it is pretty normal to invite colleagues, or team mates from a sport or fellow volunteers to an even without spouses / partners, as it just keeps the numbers manageable.

Sandybval · 26/07/2019 15:53

It depends in my opinion, for work colleagues etc then no, but if you are friends and you've met the partner etc it's a bit weird. Up to the bride and groom of course, and depends how many people the guest knows. I was invited to a university friends wedding, no one else from uni was even though it was a fairly big do, and I didn't have a plus one; as the only person I knew was the bride who was understandably busy all day it as so awkward. In this case where they know each other then absolutely wouldn't invite partners.

Yeahnahmum · 26/07/2019 16:12

No op. I didn't read the whole thread
And yes i didn't read your post properly either. My bad
But that was because the subject is rather dumb. Even the question "we cant decide if we feel offended or not" 😂 that's laughable. Like pp said: you either are/ or aren't.
Also: just because YOU chose to invite them doesn't meant they should invite you.

This is a wedding
Not a paydate for some 8 yo's
Not everyone invites a hundred people to their wedding. Wether that is a money thing or a personal choice

Maybe you and @LaPufalina should get together and form a "me so sad i am not invited " club

Just because YOU consider them important enough to invite to your wedding, does NOT mean they see you the same way. (Which they obviously don't 😂)

Good luck deciding you're offended or not.

NitrousOxide · 26/07/2019 18:44

The main 12 are now debating whether this lady and her partner actually see the full group as friends and whether they want to attend.

How very precious.

Of course they don’t see the full group as friends if half of you only see them at a few events a year. If you don’t act like a friend to them the rest of the time, you shouldn’t expect them to treat you as one on this occasion.

harper30 · 26/07/2019 18:58

We're getting married next year and I've already checked with my work colleagues if they mind coming with no plus ones, because there are 14 of them and if I have to invite their partners and kids they'll take up over a third of the total guest spaces.
No one at my work minded at all, they were happy to do what I wanted and all come as a group together rather than as couples/families. I don't think their partners will be offended, or I hope not, but if they are, I very rarely see them so I think I can live with it.
I certainly wouldn't expect them to be bitching about it behind my back

LaPufalina · 26/07/2019 18:58

Yep well up for a pity party in fairness everyone I've whinged to in real life have been surprised that inviting people without spouses is a thing! Agree that the sports team dynamic changes it (but I'm more put out about the second, little wedding rather than the first one!)

newmomof1 · 26/07/2019 19:31

Our friends are getting married soon and put a note on the invite saying 'the venue is full to capacity so unfortunately there is no room for plus ones' - I think you should just assume that this is the case.

Gatehouse77 · 26/07/2019 19:46

Only my sister and I were invited to 2 cousin’s weddings in recent years as we’re the ones who maintain the connection. They know my brothers, came to mine and DH’s wedding and have met my children.
Was I offended? No. My brothers? No - mostly relieved! My family? No.

It was simply down to numbers and, I presume, them not feeling obliged to invite a whole family just because.

For our wedding we only invited people we wanted there (some whole families, some not) and plus ones for those who wouldn’t have known anyone/many people so they didn’t feel awkward.

Angrybird123 · 26/07/2019 19:50

Each guest is probably at least £50 a head putting it in stark terms, so you extra 12 is 600 quid. That's a fuck of a lot of money to most people. I imagine that IF they had unlimited funds you'd be invited. Why doesnt your partner and his group see it as a nice opportunity for them instead of wondering about IF this is offensive and a personal slight?

Quaffy · 26/07/2019 19:59

I invited all partners because I felt it was the right thing to do for our wedding but within reason I respect the right of the b&g to plan the wedding they want with the guest list they want.

I do get annoyed if people don’t invite partners to their wedding but then get shitty about not being able to being their child to your wedding (that they were both invited to), which applied to quite a few of my guests!

ChicCroissant · 26/07/2019 20:05

YANBU to expect an invite IMO, OP.

A colleague of mine did an evening party and did a no-ring, no-bring so if you were married your partner got an invite, if not it was just a single invite. I can tell you that not many singletons turned up! It was a party to celebrate a wedding that had taken place earlier.

We've never received an invitation for only one of us to attend a wedding or evening reception.

LolaSmiles · 26/07/2019 20:13

If everyone in a particular social group has been given a partner/ plus 1 then it would be rude to exclude one partner.

If a group of people are being invited as a group of friends with no partners then I can't see an issue with it. I've declined goinf to weddings for some of DH's friends because it's clearly a group of friends and then partners because someone said partners must be invited.

People have different budgets and I think it's really harsh for people to expect invites in these situations. As long as the members of each 'group' is treated fairly then it's fine.

ludothedog · 26/07/2019 20:28

It's a bit like inviting work colleagues but not their partners. Fair enough.... I've never understood the necessity of inviting partners to work parties and weddings. The relationship is through work or in this case volunterring. I think it's a bit odd to want to go.

lawnmowingsucks · 26/07/2019 20:34

Jeez. Let the bride/groom choose and stop with the entitlement and projection

Wulfhild · 26/07/2019 20:38

I have always found weddings difficult (and even more so when it was my own turn).

We planned our entire wedding around allowing all guests to bring a +1 (romantic or otherwise, plus any kids they had) as being a quite socially anxious person I was very conscious about making sure everyone was comfortable, and DH and I come from opposite ends of the country and have moved around a fair bit so have lots of friends that don't know each other and had to travel (many internationally) to be party of our day.

To put it into context though, we hired a village hall (£200) and had a hog roast and BYOB (minus some table wine). Our wedding wasn't fancy and that wasn't important to us. But I don't think it would have been at all affordable if we'd had a more 'traditional' wedding. And I understand people that want that.

Obviously the downside of doing it like we did is that I'm very aware that we didn't exactly provide a luxury experience for our guests (there were no waiters etc and we decorated and set up the village hall ourselves - it was immensely tiring and stressful).

Weddings are just a horrible quagmire - my advice is to be not offended, and happy for them and let them enjoy their day - no way is the right way!

Onceuponacheesecake · 26/07/2019 20:46

If it was a family or best friends wedding YANBU but anything else I wouldn't expect an invite, no.

Original poster

BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 20:54

we cant decide if we feel offended or not
Let me phrase it differently then. We ARE offended, as is everyone else. We just can’t decide if we’re offended enough for DH to decline the invitation. I was wondering if AIBU to be offended. Clearly the opinion is split!

A wedding is a formal event and inviting one half of a couple is tacky and rude
This is my feeling too. I’m not sure how I feel about socialising with her now, given her apparent disregard for me.

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 26/07/2019 20:56

@BizzzzyBee do you socialise with her aside from SM?

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