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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude not to invite partners to a wedding?

128 replies

BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 11:57

DH volunteers once a week at a community project with a dozen other people. They’re friends, they group text all the time and occasionally meet up to have a meal, and if they have a party they invite the group plus partners. So I’m acquainted with them and their partners.

One of these people is getting married and has invited them all but no partners. DH and I can’t decide if we’re offended. On one hand I’m technically not part of that group - on the other hand they and their partners are my FB friends so I do communicate with them, it seems rude to exclude partners, when anyone else has had an event they’ve always invited partners, and they all came to my wedding.

AIBU to expect to be invited?

OP posts:
Original poster
BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 12:37

Would YOU invite them? No.
I did. As I’ve already said twice if you RTFT. All 12 plus 12 partners came to my wedding.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/07/2019 12:39

How many people were at your wedding?

Original poster
BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 12:43

*How many people were at your wedding?
100. I specifically chose an affordable venue because we had this group of 24 plus other friends and our large family. It was important to me that everyone was happy and included even if that meant spending less per head.

OP posts:
LaPufalina · 26/07/2019 12:50

I think husbands/wives/long term partners should be invited. We did for ours and it's not been reciprocated, my DH is going to two weddings without me this week Hmm
The first is a similar situation to yours OP where he had a table of sports team mates. DH got drunk before lunch on free fizz and threw up Confused I wonder the groom wishes he'd invited me after all. And the other is a tiny do but I'm closer to the couple, they haven't even been in touch to explain or to see if I'd like to join them for a reception later. I'm genuinely quite hurt.

VenusTiger · 26/07/2019 12:55

I think it’s weird that the partners haven’t been invited to the reception at the very least!
I do know that fitting 12 more bums into seats and 12 more wedding breakfasts cost is asking for a lot, but again, you all should have had a reception invite.

YouDoYou18 · 26/07/2019 14:02

At the end of the day it sucks to not be invited to things, and of course you’re bound to feel a bit upset! But weddings are very expensive and already difficult to plan without having to account for loads of extra people they’re not close to. Be a be put out but don’t take it out on them, no one is wrong here!

InTheHeatofLisbon · 26/07/2019 14:06

I specifically chose an affordable venue because we had this group of 24 plus other friends and our large family. It was important to me that everyone was happy and included even if that meant spending less per head.

I'm with you OP. When I got married I thought more about the people I was inviting and wanting them to enjoy the day rather than the current trend for weddings to be a day for the B&G to be treated like spoiled toddlers and demand everyone falls in line with what they want.

If DP and I ever got married (which we won't) that's what we'd do. Cut our cloth accordingly and not treat our friends like an afterthought to get what we want.

I think the current attitudes towards weddings/baby showers/gender reveals/the list is fucking endless where it's all about the hosts are frankly ridiculous.

thecatsthecats · 26/07/2019 14:15

I don't get the point of not inviting partners to weddings. It's supposed to be a celebration of love.

  1. I didn't plan my wedding as a 'celebration of love'.
  2. If I did, it would be my love not other people's Grin.

Seriously though, I've always found that a very weird perspective on the whole thing. Are you less able to enjoy things without your partner surgically attached? Do single guests without kids or families bring less love to the event, because they aren't in a relationship?

I am in a romantic relationship with my husband. I have familial relationships with family, social relationships, friend relationships.

I was happy to bring all those sorts of love to my wedding!

lyralalala · 26/07/2019 14:21

I'd see people you volunteer with in the same sense as work colleagues and I think it's absoutely fine to invite colleagues without a plus one.

If you take the 12 people one of them volunteers then add it to 10 people they work with every day , then 10 people the other person works with and 5 they volunteer with they you are at nearly 40 people, adding their partners is nearly 80 people and that's bigger than some people's weddings. It's likely not just about the 12.

thecatsthecats · 26/07/2019 14:25

The main 12 are now debating whether this lady and her partner actually see the full group as friends and whether they want to attend.

Which is twatty, playground type behaviour that you shouldn't be encouraging.

This is a once a week commitment. For the other six days a week, do you really know what this person does?

They could have a sports team, a full time job, another hobby, another friend group, a big family...

In a group of 12, of course some people are less invested in the group than others. That's just normal, and nothing to snark or bitch about.

I had 85 people at my wedding, and each group varied between about 8-16 people.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 26/07/2019 14:26

A group of friends that know each other well and the partners, less so is fine to not have +1's.

12 spaces is a lot to accommodate, easily a table and costs £££.

Different peope have different budgets, families and friendship groups to consider. We found it difficult to find a sensibly priced venue that could accomodate 100 and the one we chose was the only one out of less than a handful to not be a corporate business events hotel/ conveyor belt wedding hotel.

12 extra guests may make the difference between being able to invite family children and save that minefield for example.

lyralalala · 26/07/2019 14:27

It also doesn't matter that everyone else invited partners. DH's cousin invited all 75 cousins AND their partners because he's minted and can afford it. We didn't because we can't (and because the other side of DH's family is just as big).

People cut their cloth accordingly. They've done a nice thing and invited their hobby mates. If your DH doesn't want to go without you then he politely declines. End of. No need for playground drama.

U2HasTheEdge · 26/07/2019 14:28

I wouldn't be offended, but I do think it is rude.

If you had never met them then I would it was a little less rude.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 26/07/2019 14:31

DH and I can’t decide if we’re offended

I'm more offended at this. Surely you can form opinions independently of each other?

Parky04 · 26/07/2019 14:32

Hate weddings so I'm never offended when only the DW gets an invite. She prefers it when I'm not there as she can have a good time with her mates without worrying about me.

PooWillyBumBum · 26/07/2019 14:33

I don't think it's unreasonable for them not to invite you. If numbers were tight and the 12 are close enough to enjoy a night out together, then I would just accept or decline and not worry about it.

thecatsthecats · 26/07/2019 14:34

The main 12 are now debating whether this lady and her partner actually see the full group as friends and whether they want to attend.

It's not just about being able to afford it though!

I budgeted my wedding according to the guests I wanted there - but having a bigger budget would have just meant spoiling those who i wanted there more, not inviting crowds of people, including lots I didn't know, to witness it.

AE18 · 26/07/2019 14:39

@InTheHeatofLisbon

When I got married I thought more about the people I was inviting and wanting them to enjoy the day rather than the current trend for weddings to be a day for the B&G to be treated like spoiled toddlers and demand everyone falls in line with what they want.

Oh ffs since when is it spoiled to NOT pay for a large group of people you don't know very well to come to your wedding, possibly at the expense of people you do know well if you can only afford a small venue. Surely the spoiled person is the one expecting this money to be spend on them by someone they don't know at all or well?

I get this mindset when it comes to things like expensive gift lists etc (I would never ask for any gift, very cringeworthy) but besides asking for money to be spent, a wedding IS about the bride and groom (this should be obvious) celebrating with the people THEY know and love.

I would say the spoilt toddlers are the ones who can't cope without bringing a pal along to an expensive party thrown by someone who doesn't know them. You should be capable of enjoying yourself without your OH if the people there don't know them.

sillysmiles · 26/07/2019 14:41

I wonder how many will attend that can't bring a partner?

How would not bringing your partner stop you attending your friends wedding?

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 26/07/2019 14:42

OP, have you ever considered, in true SATC style, that the B&G are just not that into you/the other spouses/partners?

Maybe they simply don't want you there.

Big deal.

alltoomuchrightnow · 26/07/2019 14:47

I wouldn't want strangers at my wedding.
And I can enjoy events perfectly well without my partner.
I've had to as he's away for two months right now..as he is every summer for work. I miss him loads but I don't understand joined at the hip couples who can't function solo

VivienneHolt · 26/07/2019 14:52

I generally think it's rude not to invite established partners but I think this situation is a bit different because your DH has been invited as part of a group where no-ones partner is invited. That changes the dynamic a bit.

namechangeninjaevervigilant · 26/07/2019 14:59

I think it’s fair enough. 12 more guests is a lot and you have to make the cut somewhere. It could be for reasons of space or budget or perhaps they just want a smaller do.

I think it’s very nice that you invited them all, but that doesn’t mean they have to follow your example.

ysmaem · 26/07/2019 15:03

I think you're all a bit childish tbh. It's their wedding. There could be dozens of reasons why inviting all the partners wasn't a possibility.

firstimemamma · 26/07/2019 15:03

It's rude IMO.

If it's a casual boyfriend or something, then no invite is acceptable. Anyone serious however - partner, long-term bf, husband, should definitely be included!