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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude not to invite partners to a wedding?

128 replies

BizzzzyBee · 26/07/2019 11:57

DH volunteers once a week at a community project with a dozen other people. They’re friends, they group text all the time and occasionally meet up to have a meal, and if they have a party they invite the group plus partners. So I’m acquainted with them and their partners.

One of these people is getting married and has invited them all but no partners. DH and I can’t decide if we’re offended. On one hand I’m technically not part of that group - on the other hand they and their partners are my FB friends so I do communicate with them, it seems rude to exclude partners, when anyone else has had an event they’ve always invited partners, and they all came to my wedding.

AIBU to expect to be invited?

OP posts:
AccioCoffee · 27/07/2019 12:32

Op perhaps she is close to you but if she invites you then she has to invite the other 11, some of who she may not get on with so they may have had no choice to invite none of you. Why are you offended you only see them at certain times during the year.

Not everyone has the money to invite every person they look at to their wedding. They may also not have tonnes of family and friends so are also inviting the 12 people. You are being very unreasonable

Florabritannica · 27/07/2019 12:36

OP you’re getting such a hard time here! I agree with previous posters that guests should be invited to weddings with a view to their having a good time, which for many (especially if they don’t know other guests) means having their partner their. Equally, weddings are a celebration of the commitment couples make to one another (non?) so it seems deeply weird to use them as an occasion to rend couples asunder. Thirdly I feel strongly that weddings should be driven by the guest list, not the other way round.
On the other hand, 12 extra guests is potentially a lot; the volunteers all know each other; I think in your place I’d shrug, think ‘well, that’s not how I’d play it, but hey’, and move on.

PurpleDaisies · 27/07/2019 12:38

Equally, weddings are a celebration of the commitment couples make to one another (non?) so it seems deeply weird to use them as an occasion to rend couples asunder.

How overdramatic. Do you never do anything without your partner? Confused

stucknoue · 27/07/2019 12:55

Where you are part of a group, whether that's volunteering or work it's quite common to not include partners, it's down to cost/numbers etc. It's just a courtesy to invite a group that big at all

TinyGhostWriter · 27/07/2019 13:20

If they were your husband’s family, then yes, it would be rude. But they are not.

You are not a ‘group’ of 24, only 12 do the hobby. The rest of you know the bride and groom, but are not particularly close. Am I correct?

The reality is that, as much as people would like to invite everyone they know and get on well with to their wedding, it’s just not feasible.

People can have large families and friends they have made at various stages in their life and don’t often have an opportunity to see.

Those of you who are offended by a lack of invite must be pretty self absorbed not to understand this.

In addition, the 12 invited all know each other so can organise transport/accommodation as a group. I don’t see the problem.

Under these circumstances, it’s petty for people to not consider going because their partner isn’t invited.

rosiepony · 27/07/2019 13:55

YANBU
I think it's exceptionally rude and tacky. They're basically saying they don't give a shit about the enjoyment of their guests and it's all about them!

What a bore. I'd decline.

Florabritannica · 27/07/2019 14:48

@PurpleDaisies Of course I do things without my partner. My point was that weddings celebrate the joy of coupledom so it’s odd to overlook that when compiling the guest list.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/07/2019 15:04

For the people asking why the OP is ‘blaming’ the bride and not the groom, my guess would be that the bride is the one that volunteers alongside the OP’s husband. Which actually makes her connection to the groom even more spurious - he isn’t really even her husband’s friend, never mind hers.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 27/07/2019 15:19

I can understand why you are a bit put out as partners have been invited to all the other life event parties, including weddings. However perhaps it is a small wedding and they can't afford it. 12 extras are quite a lot. I can see both sides. l would stop debating it and move on.

SilverySurfer · 27/07/2019 15:20

Of course YABU and they can invite who they want to their wedding.

elheggy · 29/07/2019 11:17

These questions always weed out those that have planned and paid for a wedding of their own and those that haven't..
A group of 12 is already a large group to accommodate, adding on partners you don't know particularly well and paying for them to be there for the whole day is mad in my book, especially if you're trying to do a low key wedding or keep things small.
I think most people just don't have a clue how much it costs the couple for you to be a guest at their wedding. Unless you are personally close friends or family of the bride or groom I don't really get why you would expect for them to pay for you to be there..

Idontwanttotalk · 29/07/2019 11:36

"DH and I can't decide if we're offended."
What? You are canvassing for the opinions of others before you decide if you are offended?

Grow up.

SnuggyBuggy · 29/07/2019 12:59

Not having a big budget isn't an excuse for poor treatment of guests. If I didn't have the money I just wouldn't invite any of the people I volunteer with if I couldn't extend a proper invitation that included a partner.

NCforthis2019 · 29/07/2019 13:37

Jesus Christ - how entitled are you! It’s their wedding, they don’t want to invite you so you are bitching behind their backs with a group of other uninvited spouses? Deciding if you are ‘offended’ enough to not go? Who exactly do you think you are and why do you think the b&g qiuld gove a abit if
You are offended enough? - grow up, the wedding is about them you know?

Greensleeves · 29/07/2019 13:42

I woudn't split married couples or long-term couples, I think that's rude and antisocial, but I did invite a couple of old school friends and not include plus ones (I didn't even know whether they were attached or not tbh). We had immense pressure from both sides of the family over numbers and the whole thing was a massive headache.

One of the old school friends, whom I am actually very fond of and really wanted there, did upset and embarrass me by asking whether he could bring his girlfriend if she sat on his lap and didn't eat Sad I replied that of course he could bring her, but I did feel bad and wonder whether anyone else had been upset, and it was a nightmare trying to narrow down numbers to keep the cost under the limit. It's no fun sitting with a list of people trying to decide who is important, I would never, ever do it again. Weddings suck.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 29/07/2019 14:05

I woudn't split married couples or long-term couples

It's a few hours of one day, not a one-way ticket to Mars.

caperplips · 29/07/2019 14:10

snuggybuggy that is exactly what I think.
I have never heard of, nor experienced this thing of not inviting partners to a wedding. Invite both or neither in my book.
Is this a peculiarly English approach to weddings? I have been to Scottish and Irish and never heard of it before MN

Floralnomad · 29/07/2019 14:16

I think it’s different if they don’t know you but this couple do know you so I think it’s a bit off , if it were my dh he would just decline the invite .

Pinkout · 29/07/2019 14:32

I think it’s awkward not inviting partner’s really. Wedding invites usually come with a +1 if they don’t know your partner all that well.

EmeraldShamrock · 29/07/2019 15:14

No not rude when it is a group of colleague's or hobby pals.
It is different with good friends and family.

LolaSmiles · 29/07/2019 16:38

Is this a peculiarly English approach to weddings? I have been to Scottish and Irish and never heard of it before MN
It's a 'times have changed since having a big party paid for by the bride's parents and with more and more couples choosing smaller weddings/paying it themselves they have to make decisions on guestlists'

Most people understand why someone might invite all the volunteers / all the uni friends / all the colleagues as a social group without plus ones or partners. There's always some who'll say 'I chose to have a tent in a field next to the church where we had bucks fizz and a cupcake each if it meant ensuring thay everyone had a partner because I couldn't consider being so tacky'.

MrsCollinssettled · 29/07/2019 19:18

Given that every wedding has some restriction on numbers what do you think the B&G should have done OP?

  1. Invited the volunteers only - they all know each other so they've all got someone to talk to.
  2. Invited volunteers + partners - but then can't invite other people who may be closer to them/extended family members/parents friends/children or whoever
  3. Invite a half the volunteers + partners - how would you choose who makes the cut?
  4. Not invite the volunteers (Given the group's response that may have been the best option)

Those will have been the B&G's choices and the choice they made does seem the fairest

StillCoughingandLaughing · 29/07/2019 19:19

I have never heard of, nor experienced this thing of not inviting partners to a wedding. Invite both or neither in my book.

I never understand these posts. ‘I have no personal experience of this; therefore I can’t accept it really happens’.

Jaxhog · 29/07/2019 19:22

It isn't rude - it's a choice. Some people invite partners, some exclude children and some elope. To call it rude suggests that you feel you have a right for your partner to be invited. You don't.

BolloxtoGender · 29/07/2019 19:33

I don’t understand the ‘deciding to be offended’ bit.

You either feel that way or you don’t, you don’t go into a conscious decision making process about whether you should be or not....because I’m sure you can think of justifications either way.