Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

I wonder if op has suggested that they take it in turns to stay with all of the children and give the adults a chance to go out on their own for a meal? Maybe the older children's parents would also welcome an evening to have dinner with just their partner and no children?

I was wondering this as well. OP seems to want spare time for herself and DP but I'm sure everyone would want this. Have you offered to reciprocate for your sisters OP after they gave you a night out? The main problem seems to be lack of sleep which surely can be managed between you and DP by taking it in turns for lie ins and getting up for night time waking.

If I didn’t know better OP I’d think you were talking about my family. I suffered my 2 sibling’s crappy treatment for decades. Rudeness, ignoring, rumours, you name it. It’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with. All roads lead back to my older sister, who I think is jealous of me - even my mother said, “she’s so jealous of you she can hardly stand it!”. My own DM saw it. My sister has sabotaged me at every turn. I know this to be true because Sister has told so many lies that she can’t remember them - then tells me this or that - completely opposite of what she said earlier & it hasn’t been difficult to put two & two together. In fact, it’s been easy. Lie lie lie - then forgets those lies & contradicts herself & says something completely different. Little remarks about DB proved to me she lied to him to make herself look good. She told him remarks that “I made” that were actually things she called & told me. She lied to my brother and said I said terrible things about his now ex-wife. He was incredibly cruel to me for years - he died in 2016 thinking I was a terrible person. I’ve always been a step ahead of my sister - prettier, smarter, more accomplished, excellent grades, more outgoing, more empathetic & sympathetic, etc. Also envious that I was extremely close to our DP - when she had exactly the same opportunity to be close to them as I did. I was born that way. Should I apologize to her for that? My entire life I adored & idolized my sister and all my adult life my sister has secretly & with malice told subtle lies to my 4 nieces & nephews so that they would favor her over me - as if it’s some ridiculous contest. Now both my parents are deceased - I have backed away from the rest of my family because I don’t trust Sister & the rest of my family to not treat me badly. It’s happened before several times and I can’t take the cruelty & awful treatment. No Christmas, birthdays, Easter, etc. I take full responsibility for any behavior of my own, but the cruel treatment remains. I don’t know what else I can do - my Sister’s plan has worked perfectly. I don’t understand how ANYONE could be so envious that they’d turn an entire family against another family member and I don’t know what to do. It isn’t my fault that I’m last in the birth order & took her place as the “baby” of the family. It’s crushing and heartbreaking.
So I know exactly how you feel, OP, and I wish there was something I could say to help. I hope you don’t have to back away from your DF like I had to. Love to you.

Personally I wouldn't book a day trip on the last day that was not suitable for everyone but I definitely wouldn't just book something without at least discussion with everyone on holiday with us!

I was at a family wedding yesterday, I have two nieces under 5 who were there plus an older autistic niece, their parents were looking after them but at various times in the day I or my husband had them on my/his knee or we sorted out a drink for them or another person would take them to the toilet or someone else might take them outside for 5 mins if they got too hot or someone would lift them so they could see the vows etc because while they aren't my or some of the others children they are the children of people in our family!

Now I likely wouldn't just fully look after them while the parents couldn't be arsed but Iv no problem helping out within my own family so we can all including the parents enjoy a holiday or family event together!

I’m going to go against the grain here and disagree.

I have 3 children my youngest has additional needs. My 2 siblings have 3 children between them all much older. We have done family villas previously and they arrange things suitable for their families whilst I entertain mine. It’s exhausting (I’m on my own usually we can’t afford for hubby to be off work). Yes I’d like it if they or my mum offered to help my with my kids or days out were more suitable to all of us. However they’re mine... why should they? You
know what a ‘holiday’ entails with small children it’s never actually a holiday usually it’s more stress, you didn’t have to go.

Babysitting for a night at home is not the same as giving up some of your family holiday time. Sorry OP but I think uabu you have young children you’re not owed a sleep in or a holiday tailored to yours over them or theirs.

YABU!

The other are on holiday, not your in-house baby sitters. It's not their fault that you have had your kids so much later than them. Learn from this and don't go on big family holidays

I can see your point op and I'd be hurt too in your situation.

you weren't expecting your siblings to take over from you for the whole holiday but offer to give you an afternoon or 2 off or maybe catch up on an hour or 2 of sleep. there's little point going away with a large group of people unless you're all pitching in to make it more relaxing for everyone... otherwise it's just more stressful being around loads of people with no benefit. also it hurts for your family to watch you struggling and not help out a little.

I usually clam up and withdraw in situations like this. never sure it's the right thing to do but my family are argumentative and very defensive so saying something would just end up with me in the wrong.

I think sleep wise you and your partner should alternate and give each other time to lie in, expecting someone else to get up is not fair. They’ve had those years with their own DC.

Re day trips I think it’s not reasonable for older children to have to do the same as toddlers every day on their family holiday, but having a day or so together at the beach would have been nice. Or at least with your parents so they could spend time with their grandchildren.

Have you babysat the older children so your siblings can have a night out?

It sounds like everyone had varying expectations that weren’t discussed before unfortunately.

I think a lot of this angst could’ve been headed off if the family had had any sort of conversation about this in advance of the holiday. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Families are indeed very different in this regard (as the thread demonstrates). It is worth saying in advance what you’d like, then people have time to consider if they’re happy to help and you have time to come to terms with it if it’s not what you were hoping for (or potentially to back out of the holiday altogether if you feel that strongly).

I also wonder if your partner isn’t really pulling his weight, but it’s easier to resent siblings and parents than to address that...

It cuts costs to have a family holiday with numerous siblings etc. Unless you're really close with them, seems reasonable that everyone would do what they want to do in the day and reconvene in the evenings maybe.
They babysat for you, I wouldn't expect much more than that to be honest. Toddlers/young kids are a PITA on holidays. Why isn't your husband alternating lie ins with you?

I know you're expecting them to help but have you asked for it also? Your sisters have their own children to mind and entertain plus it's also holiday for them also so I'm not overly surprised they haven't been offering to babysit for you. But they are dickheads for not attempting to include you in activities. Its almost like you're on 2 separate holidays.
I wouldn't let rip tbh and spoil the holiday for everyone, just spend a lovely day at the beach with your DH and DC and if you're still upset by it all when you get home then maybe mention something then.

I dont really understand families like this. Im so over the baby phase but i ADORE my baby nephews- 18 months and 5.
I enjoy spending time with them. However i wouldnt babysit every night.

Forgot to say that family holidays are an oxymoron imo! Especially with tots.

Although you could have maybe expected a bit more help from your parents, as far as your siblings are concerned it's their holiday too. No reason why you couldn't all be at the beach together though and your little one could have slept in the buggy in the evening if there's entertainment. 4 year old can usually manage some late nights. They have all passed the very young children stage, it's not really their problem that's where you're at now. Surely, you didn't expect them to give up an evening of their holiday to sit in a hotel room babysitting or to miss out on seeing something they really want to. If you had bought a back carrier, your DP could have carried the youngest and the older one could have walked over rough ground. Have you been a bit of a moaner on this holiday so they all did their own thing. As their kids are all the same age, it really was up to you to fit in, not for them to hold back.

.

DreamtheMoors, I suspect you were the golden child (as - sorry - your list of your own virtues and talents seems to indicate). I'm not excusing your sister's behaviour, not knowing her, but from the account you give, there is likely to be a great deal of early hurt behind it.

OP, I am wondering too whether some of this is about your dp not pulling his weight and your resentment being deflected onto your family as a ready-made easier target (considering what you say about this being, in your eyes, part of a pattern).

I feel for you OP.

It’s completely disingenuous to go on a group holiday and for the majority to have a wonderful, relaxing time while somone else is struggling, exhausted and excluded. If this is going to happen it is better to holiday separately.

I don't think it's their responsibility to baby sit your kids but I think planning a trip behind your back is out of order. I see you baby sat their kids previously, if this was on holiday (I.e you got up in the morning to let them lie in and you had them more than one evening to let then go out) then they should have done the same for you. You'll get different views depending on people's personal circumstances. I was always alone on holidays as a single mother so never had a lie in or night out ever but I can still empathise. You sound tired so that makes things worse

It sounds to me like the OP wanted time off away from her children and her family couldn't offer that. I also think her family mucked in and played with her kids, just didn't take over full responsibility

^
This

I get where the OP is coming from, I was on my knees with when my DCs were this age. Unfortunately the reality of holidays with young DC is that they are not actually holidays in fact they are often harder work than staying at home.

It sounds to me like the OP wanted time off away from her children and her family couldn't offer that. I also think her family mucked in and played with her kids, just didn't take over full responsibility

This.

mal some people don't enjoy toddlers or pre-schoolers. They just don't.

Completely understand what you're going through. I have 6 month old and 3 years old. In laws, and brothers have nothing to do with us. I lost my mum 2017 and my dad in care home. Love my kids but it's hard without any support. Having kids is hard! Especially when you're on your own. I would keep quiet and then say something after the holiday, it's not on. Bless you x

We had a big lunch out once with over 40 of us including children, all the females bar one just dealt with an child's needs grabbed nappies and small hands,. Not all of us had children at this time.
But do you know the one female who never help has become the one who complains the most, yet any time we offered help we were shot down for being incapable of looking after their children to the standard she required.
So from her point of view to her friends no one is have ever helped her.

This is literally what happened to me last year on family holiday. Myself DH and 16month old went to Florida stayed in a villa with my parents sister brother in law and nephew. I was 6 months pregnant and we were there for 16 days and not once did we get invited to anything. All they wanted to do was go out and do things nephew could do. We didn't get any sleep as DD wouldn't sleep in the travel cot. I would never do it again! Didn't have it out with them but I really wish I did! You should say something

@DecomposingComposers I wasn't going to post on this thread, but you have summed up my feelings better than I could have expressed them myself.

Personally I would wait until I get home, wouldn't want an awkward flight home.

If you have, or ever had, issues with siblings or any family members for the love of God never do anything with them that includes overnight stays.

It will never end well.

Just dont do it.