Pissed off at lack of support on family holiday

[Belleende]

Some background. I am the youngest of 4 siblings. We are currently on a family holiday with my parents. I have 2 kids, 4 yo and 20 month old. The rest of the kids are all 10 and older.

Myself and DP have zero family support around, so very rarely go out, and as our 2 are vv early risers never get a lie in. This holiday has been particularly bad with neither of them sleeping well. I have been getting 2 to 4 hours sleep a night, with 2 totally sleepless nights. I have been on my knees.

In the time we have been here my siblings have offered only once to mind the kids so me and DP could go out and even then only after we had put them to bed. We have not been invited to any group activities. No one has even come to the beach with us.

Before my own kids came along I babysat regularly for both my sisters, have supported them unstintingly, dug my eldest sister out of numerous holes (including collecting her kids from the airport this trip just hours after we had arrived).

The final straw came last night when I discovered that everyone has booked a day trip today that is totally not suitable for my two, and it is our last day here.

AIBU to let rip and put a dampener on the last day of the holiday, or do I just quietly withdraw?

'Holidays' with babies/toddlers are a fucking nightmare in my experience, end of.

fair enough
but they are the best time of the years in my own experience and I never have enough holidays 🤷

I used to go to very steep beaches with my Dad when I was very young. There are other ways to carry a child than a buggy

I feel sorry for you OP. I’ve just been away with my folks, my DSis who has three kids ages 12, 10 and 6 and my DD, six months. I have spoiled DSis’s kids rotten over the years as I love them to bits. She looked after my DD loads on this holiday and her older kids who love a lie in even did a rota so someone was always up with me and DD at 6am. The kids played with her all day too. I didn’t feel entitled to that support but it was lovely to have. You should have had the same treatment.

Barely saw my folks on the other hand! Would have been hell without my DSis.

I’d remember how you’ve been treated and act accordingly in future.

My parents have come on holidays with us previously and they help us, not all the time as it’s their holiday too, but my mum would never sit by and leave me to struggle or be exhausted without lending a hand. My sister would do the same in a heartbeat.

It looks like the rest of the family have the stance that they’ve done their baby/young children years and were there to enjoy themselves.

Which you can’t blame them.

I do think they could have included you more though and taken your situation ( children ) into consideration, have offered to have them between each other so you could go for lunch with DH or just a few hours sunbathing, they seem to have been pretty mean to you OP.

Has your DH been doing his bit with the children? Sorry if you’ve said, I’ve quickly read the whole thread but admit I might have missed that bit.

You should always speak up and make sure they know how you feel. Sometimes it also helps to put yourself in other people shoes to see things from their perspective.
Keren

I think the issue here is different expectations of a family holiday.

Totally agree @BarbedBloom

If the OP sorted out who could help her and her husband with their children BEFORE the holiday started, and those family members ducked out and let the OP and her husband down, then that's one thing..... but I don't think that's the case.

I think it's all down to the OPs expectations which are way too high imo

I understand why you're fed up but I think your expectations were too high. Comparing the help you were able to offer when single to the help your siblings are now able to provide when still juggling their own kids isn't a fair comparison. I also think when you're exhausted and pissed off it's easy to read a deliberate slight into fairly innocuous choices.

Very small children are very full on, even if they are not cranky and difficult.
Days can be very long.

When we visit relatives with small children, I would always say before we arrive, to my teens, to play with their young cousins and give their parents a bit of a break to eat, chat etc. I would tell them, it would mean so much. And it does.

It's showing my teens an example of being considerate and thoughtful of others.

I certainly couldn't go on holidays with someone I really cared about and watch them struggle, shattered, every day.

Even if I didn't necessarily want to (I am soooooo over the baby stage) I would do it because I know it would be so appreciated.

I think it is very poor the OP helped out so much in the past and still does but sees it clearly forgotten.

I wouldn't forget it!

There are two parents on holiday with kids that don't sleep. Why aren't you taking it in turns to get up so that the other person can have a lie-in? I think that is something you need to sort out between you rather than expecting your family to step in where one of you may not be.

They have offered to babysit and with a small child it's really very normal to have them in bed first. That still should leave a very long evening for enjoying each other's company.

Did you find and suggest any day trips which would be interesting to all? if not then I can't see why you're cross that they didn't.

Are you having family time together at the villa? I think many people would think it's quite normal with such a wide variety of ages that you often do your own things in the day and maybe catch up, have a glass of wine in the evening.

Personal I do think YABU. They do not appear to have promised anything they're not now doing and having 2 adults there for your 2 kids should allow each of you to have some of the time off you so obviously (and understandably) desire. I did wonder whether you DP is pulling his weight. It may not be this but I would never enable a lazy DP by offering to do things for a sibling that the dad should be doing.

I still can’t imagine seeing someone I loved struggling and not help a bit. There are 8 adults and an unknown number of teenagers. If everyone of those looked after the OP’s kids for 30 minutes......

I just asked ds about this and he gave a huge grin and said “Remember when we went on holiday with [cousins] and they used me and a beach ball in the pool all the time? That was great!”

He was 4 for that holiday - the cousins were between 15 and 18.

@bertrandrussell i agree. Our nephews 16 and 14 play with our younger kids wheb we get together. Not all the time but for half an hour here and there i will expect mine to do the same when they are older with any younger cousins or friends.

However the op still hasnt answered repeated posters requests to know of her dp is doing his share. At 20months and 4 you wouldn't expect to be getting so little sleep when there are two of you. Unless a child is poorly.

Our nieces and nephews and older DCs have always played with our DCs too when they are around, that is why we go on holiday together, but we parents would have always been there looking after the children at those young ages.

I still can’t imagine seeing someone I loved struggling and not help a bit

I agree @BertrandRussell

However expecting the help because you gave help isn't the way it works. Well , not in my world anyway. I help people because I want to. I don't then expect them to help me in return.

And if I need help I ask for it.

I think there might be a whole lot of unexpressed passive aggressive historical stuff here, which we don't know about

We can only ponder at the dynamics at play here.

We've been on holiday with family - children's ages at the time ranged from 8 - 1. Omg, the other family drove me mad. Clearly worked on different time scales to us. They liked very leisurely mornings, so by the time they were ready to go out for the day it was lunch time. We'd get to where we going and then they wanted to stop for lunch. But our children had already been hanging around all morning waiting to do whatever it was we had planned. After a week we suggested doing our own thing during the day and meeting in the evening - you'd have thought ww3 had been declared. We were accused of not helping them, leaving them to struggle (because they had a 4 and a 1 year old) etc etc when actually we were just pissed off with spending half our day twiddling our thumbs waiting for them.

The lesson I learned was that different families have different expectations. No one was wrong or right just that our lives weren't compatible so we didn't holiday together again. Much better to be able to suit yourselves.

It would be nice if the other families could help op out and play with the children but if she won't go to where they want to go for whatever reason - doesn't like the beach, too steep for buggy, to hot for sling, she feels dizzy etc then you can't expect other families to stay at the villa all holiday just to be on hand to play with ops children in order to give her an hour off, can you? Presumably if they all went to the beach together the other families would pitch in chatting to the children,building sandcastles,paddling in the sea for a little bit. To expect the whole holiday to be centred around the little children and what they want to do is unreasonable.

I think there might be a whole lot of unexpressed passive aggressive historical stuff here, which we don't know about

Totally agree. Plus I think op is struggling and really needs a break. Where she's unreasonable is in expecting the other families to provide it when they are also on holiday and will also have their own stuff going on.

It is so hard when the kids are little and you're just so bloody exhausted isn't it?

I still look back on those days with rose tinted specs though. I prefer age 5 to age 21. I honestly never knew that I know so little

Playing with your little cousins is one thing - and OP says the teens have been mucking around in the pool with her kids.

Expecting teenagers to be in sole charge for hours so that she and her DH can go out is quite another level of responsibility.

they sound like crap and yes it's highly likely that you are not seen as important =therefore your dc will not be valued either....

you could try and talk to them but they are unlikely to recognize/accept your perspective - and will get the hump/blame you etc etc

just don't do it again.... accept you are going to get no help from them for anything- release any expectation that they will be kind/thoughtful/reciprocate and you will feel better about things...

when you've got passed this holiday maybe look up scapegoat/golden child family dynamics ..

@BertrandRussell
I completely agree
I have to go on these family holidays aboard with in laws and this year I am absolutely dreading it with an almost 2 year old and an almost 4 year old. Both DH siblings have teenage nieces (13 and 14).
I don't expect the family to help. But I would help others if I could. It's not even about family, it about your principles as a person; yesterday I saw a mum struggling with a toddler and a baby and I stopped it ask if I could help because that's me - I'm the one usually struggling most of the time.
Another time my toddler on the way back from the doctors dropped her balloon (made from a blown up glove) and a lady literally stopped traffic to help me retrieve it because she saw how I was struggling with baby and a toddler crossing a busy road and the kids were crying
@OP It's really hard being on holiday with kids that age. I'm dreading it but we have to go having agreed. My DH is absolutely useless so it's all on me. I don't think you're being unreasonable, I think you've handled it well; don't cut ties because of it or anything like that but just don't go on any more family holidays. I know if I could avoid it I would...

It sounds as though you had no DC when you took their DC for day trips, etc. You're expecting them to reciprocate but they already have DC.

What is the argument here? That babysitting is so much harder for someone with an 11yo etc, than it is for a childfree person? Give me a break. Looking after tiny ones is a lot easier when you have a tween or teenager around, because they do not require much supervision themselves and they can actually help keep an eye on the toddlers. Toddlers generally behave a lot better with "admired older kids" than they do with adults, in my experience. My oldest is only 8, and the youngest is so much easier to manage when she is around.

Still can't fathom it. All these smug people oh I've had my kids, used and abused your time and not a fucking chance I'm helping you now......unbelievable.

If you could sit there and say nobody ever helped me so I'm not helping you, fair enough. But to say, I've been there, had the help and am now not prepared to give it, that's sad. Really sad.

Koke it isn't an argument. It's an observation. OP thought aunts offer to watch their nieces and nephews. Her siblings thought she was doing it because she was child-free.