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Original poster

To have a go at DH for being mins late

488 replies

Chickpea99 · 25/07/2019 21:04

So I was amongst unlucky train commuters today and spent 2,5 hours in three trains - overcrowden, insanely hot.
On last leg of journey called DH and told exact time to pick me up. Actually told to come few mins earlier.
I finally arrived - and surprise - DH is not there.
We live 3mins drive from station.
He artives 8mins after I arrived at station. On my question what took him so long I receive cold ‘sorry’ and he says he was vacuuming a car at petrol station.
So he decided that vacuuming car was the top priority and also he did not bother to notify me he is running late.
I had a go at him as it is not first time. He has no sense of urgency and although 8mins is not horribly long, what angers me is attitude.
He says if he wouldnt vacuum the car - theI would be angry. So basically pushing it back on me.
I can not say how angry I am and basically this is going to ruin my weekend - as I can not talk to him atm.

OP posts:
VivienneHolt · 27/07/2019 09:04

I am actually sympathetic OP because it sounds like this happens a lot and an ex of mine used to be exactly like this. Whenever he picked me up (which was every time I stayed with him because there were no public transport option from the station) he would be late. Five to ten minutes every time. And he never saw it as an issue in the slightest, but once you've had days and days of having to stand and wait in freezing cold or pissing rain or boiling heat because they can't be considerate enough to leave on time, it starts to really make you angry.

If your husband is being consistently inconsiderate then you have a right to be upset about it.

VivienneHolt · 27/07/2019 09:13

I also agree that a lot of people on this thread are falling hook, line and sinker for OP's husband's tactic of turning around OP's hurt and upset at him being late by gaslighting her into thinking it's something he felt he HAD to do to stop her being angry.

OP's husband could have apologised and it would all probably have been fine, but instead he decided to make it OP's fault by pretending he was trying to mitigate this fictional anger. I doubt all of you would be as chill and forgiving as you want OP to be if your husbands were regularly disrespectful and inconsiderate and then blamed you for that instead of apologising...

DecomposingComposers · 27/07/2019 09:27

VivienneHolt

So do you think it's ok for a partner to be so angry that they can't speak to their spouse and that it ruins an entire weekend, because someone was 8 minutes late picking them up? Does that sound like reasonable behaviour?

If it were a man posting? If he came on here saying that he told his wife what time to pick him up, in fact told her to get there early so that he wasn't kept waiting but she turned up late saying that she was hoovering the car because she was worried about his reaction if it wasn't done, and that now this man is so angry that 3 days have been ruined and he can't speak to his wife - would you be supporting him? Would you be saying that his wife is making up the fear of his reaction?

Or if this was your partner being this angry at you for being 8 minutes late to pick him up? Would you be ok with that?

BlueSkiesLies · 27/07/2019 09:36

I kind of sympathise.

DP and j did a long distance thing across the Atlantic for a bit. Every single flight I took to him, he would be late meeting me. So I’d travel for 13 fucking hours and then have to stand around for 10,15, 30 mins waiting for him. Every. Fucking. Time.

Where as when he flew to me I would always be early and be waiting outside the airport pick up in the car.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/07/2019 09:57

OP's husband could have apologised and it would all probably have been fine, but instead he decided to make it OP's fault by pretending he was trying to mitigate this fictional anger

But the OP’s anger isn’t fictional, is it? Her husband was eight minutes (weirdly specific - most would have said ‘nearly ten’) late and she’s too furious to even speak to him and has decided it will ruin the whole weekend (on Thursday). That’s not normal.

mussolini9 · 27/07/2019 10:14

I also agree that a lot of people on this thread are falling hook, line and sinker for OP's husband's tactic of turning around OP's hurt and upset at him being late by gaslighting her into thinking it's something he felt he HAD to do to stop her being angry.

Bullshit.
The reporting of the incident is directly from the OP herself, not her DH. So it is HER take on it, & she does not dispute the assertion that she would indeed be angry at an unvacuumed car.
A gaslit woman does not express this much anger & plan to hold onto a 3.5 day sulk in response to an 8-minute wait. Neither does she command her husband to turn up a "few mins early" with the expectation that it's fine for him to wait in a hot car for her, but not for her to wait for him.

jameswong · 27/07/2019 10:21

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NeckPainChairSearch · 27/07/2019 11:06

I also agree that a lot of people on this thread are falling hook, line and sinker for OP's husband's tactic of turning around OP's hurt and upset at him being late by gaslighting her into thinking it's something he felt he HAD to do to stop her being angry

I also think this ^^ is bullshit. And the scramble by some posters to make sure that the DH takes the blame - despite the OP's disproportionate anger and plan to spend the next 3.5 days 'punishing' her DH with her mood - is uncomfortable to see.

If this was a man posting this exact thread, NO WAY would posters be at pains to say that he's in the right to be 'unable to say how angry he is' and threatening to punish his DW with his mood for 3.5 days and that the DW was 'gaslighting her husband' by vacuuming the bloody car.

It is the OP's own account of HER behavior and HER reaction that has cause many posters to say she is BU.

The desperation to excuse the OP's anger and lashing out and invent a narrative to blame the DH - who did fuck all wrong frankly - is weird.

Madness.

Thentherewascakes · 27/07/2019 11:10

that thread should go into classic - or the feminist board.

It's a refreshing change to see in black and white example where it's the WIFE who writes herself about her own unreasonable behaviour, and that no, it's not always the MENZ who are abusive, selfish and whatever sin they are accused of.

People can be unpleasant, nothing to do with gender.

AnneKipanki · 27/07/2019 11:13

Maybe OP had a lightbulb moment where she has finally realised she is low down on her husband's list of priorities.
Who knows?

NeckPainChairSearch · 27/07/2019 12:32

Maybe OP had a lightbulb moment where she has finally realised she is low down on her husband's list of priorities

Why do this? Why be so insistent that a man MUST be in the wrong that you ignore what the OP has actually SAID and hand her an invented narrative that she HASN'T said?

This kind of attitude does not help women at all.

Derbee · 27/07/2019 14:13

Is everybody ignoring the fact that SHE told HIM a time that was a few minutes early? As in it’s fine for him to have to wait around, but God forbid she needs to.

Spoilt, entitled, bratty, and a massive overreaction to sulk all weekend.
Unfortunately a lot of people on mumsnet have an unflinching view that all women are abused and all men are arseholes

Even when we can see it’s a woman being an abusive arsehole, there’s a strong suggestion from many that he’s gaslighting her and we’ve all fallen for it?! 😴😴😴😴😴

jacks11 · 27/07/2019 14:31

You are bonkers and entirely unreasonable. You TOLD him, rather than asked him, to pick you up at an exact time. He did come but was 8 minutes late? And you’re so angry you can’t speak to him all weekend?

I think you need to take a step back and see how ridiculous you are being.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 27/07/2019 14:53

Classic mumsnet. Some of the mental acrobats on here trying to project and spin this into being solely the fault of the man is hugely amusing.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 27/07/2019 14:54

Maybe OP had a lightbulb moment where she has finally realised she is low down on her husband's list of priorities.

Maybe the OP is just an entitled twat.

BlamesFartsOnTheNeighbour · 27/07/2019 14:55

She presumably told him to get there early because he's always late for everything, as she put in the OP.

VivienneHolt · 27/07/2019 14:58

The anger about the vacuuming was fictional.

Being late all the time is inconsiderate and disrespectful. A lot of you clearly think your time is more important than anyone else's and that it's ok for you to keep people waiting when it suits you, and you're all incredibly rude and selfish. People who are angry at you for that rudeness and selfishness are not unreasonable, however much you can't bear to admit it.

And those of you who defend yourself against other people thinking you are selfish and inconsiderate by deflecting it onto them and blaming them for the fact that you're late (like OP's husband) are even worse, and this kind of gaslighting can very easily become abusive.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 27/07/2019 15:03

VivienneHolt

Are you the OP?

StillCoughingandLaughing · 27/07/2019 15:08

The anger about the vacuuming was fictional.

What are you basing this on? At no point has the OP said ‘I wouldn’t have been angry about this’. True, she hasn’t said she would be either - that’s why it’s a good idea to avoid claiming you know how she would have reacted.

Erminturde · 27/07/2019 15:11

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Erminturde · 27/07/2019 15:12

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Erminturde · 27/07/2019 15:17

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Bookworm4 · 27/07/2019 15:36

OP is an entitled princess whose DH seems to be running scared of her demands. I hope there’s no DC.
OP you’re a ridiculous drama queen.
If this was a man not one person would agree with him, not one.

NeckPainChairSearch · 27/07/2019 15:54

The anger about the vacuuming was fictional

If you're not the OP, how would you possibly know this? The OP was open about the supposition and has not denied it.

And those of you who defend yourself against other people thinking you are selfish and inconsiderate by deflecting it onto them and blaming them for the fact that you're late (like OP's husband) are even worse, and this kind of gaslighting can very easily become abusive

I cannot believe what I'm reading. You are actually accusing the DH of 'gaslighting that can very easily become abusive.'

Which you would also do to a woman, picking up her husband and running 8 minutes later because she was vacuuming the car to avoid him getting annoyed about it; and was then told that her DH would ruin the weekend by still being angry 3 days later that she picked him up a few minutes late? You would accuse her of gaslighting and being potentially abusive?

How can that POSSIBLY be reasonable?

lyralalala · 27/07/2019 15:59

A lot of you clearly think your time is more important than anyone else's and that it's ok for you to keep people waiting when it suits you

The same could be said for the OP who clearly was quite happy to have her other half jump to attention when her disrupted travel plans finally ended.

What about the plans he had for the time that had to be scrapped because the op’s Journey was disrupted? Or is it only her time that is important and not his?