To ask for your most "You couldn't make this shit up" stories...

[TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit]

I work for a retail company at our head office. We received a call from a man who wanted to exchange 2 garments as he bought the wrong size.

No problem.

I ask for the product codes on the labels.... took a while but he found them. All the while he is telling me that it is for his customers in Brazil. How he likes to get them presents, etc, etc. So sounds like a competent manager type, possibly business owner.

I ask what sizes does he have and what would he like to swap them for. This is when it got a little odd.

For some reason he just couldn't find the size on the label. Next minute I hear him shout:

"Jessica! Jessica! Susan!! Oi, I need a woman here! You woman know size labels! Susan!"

So 'Jessica' comes running up on the other side and finds the size for him. It's a size 3-4 kids t-shirt.

Then he starts saying to 'Jessica': "This won't fit, will it? Do you think it will fit?" 'Jessica' sounds unsure.

Next minute I hear him shout: "Bring me a child! Get me a 3 year old! Yes, yes, just get me a child! A 3 year old!"

He says: "Turtle, I'll phone you back in a minute" and puts the phone down

Dumbfounded, we're all wondering what the hell kind of business this man is in if he can just conjure up a child of a specific age? My colleagues make me promise to ask him his business, just to put our minds at rest.

He never phoned back! I guess it fit the 3 year old child they found for him?

It was just such a bizarre conversation. Have you had any weird or wonderful stories to tell?

ShellandSand you need to finish the story and tell us what happened next! Who did you end up with?

I used to work for a passport and visa procurement agency years ago so I have loads of odd/funny stories.
I had a guy come in wearing a long overcoat, dark glasses and baseball cap one day. In a thick Russian accent he asked if I could get him a passport. I told him I could help him with applying for a passport but that we didn't issue them (people often confused us for the passport office). He leaned across the desk separating us so his face was close to mine and whispered "I am running from the Russian government and I have no documents. You help me leave country, yes?" I explained to him that I couldn't help him as he would need a passport from the Russian embassy, which would rather tip them off to his whereabouts. He then asked for a cup of tea, which I made and he drank, before he tried to give me 10 x £50 notes, kisses my hand and left. I still wonder to this day if he was in fact running from the Russian government, having some kind of mental health episode or just playing a prank. I half expected a camera crew to pop out as he left.
We also used to have a few celebrity clients for whom we arranged travel documentation, often for tours etc. One of these clients was a singer who had been very famous in the 60's and had a bit of a revival in the 90's. Her passport needed to be renewed before we could apply for the visas she needed so I couriered over all the necessary forms to her, including a detailed note on how to complete them and what supporting documents she would need, which includes 10 passport sizes photographs. When she sent everything back, she had included not passport sizes photos but 10 x A5 sized glossy headshots which had clearly been taken with a soft focus lens a good few years ago (around 10-15!) I called her assistant and explained that they wouldn't be accepted and the poor girl was very worried about passing in the news so I told her I'd be happy to speak to her directly. The lady herself called me back and I explained that the photos had to be recent/clear focus/passport sized. After a good 10 minutes of "how dare you, they were taken last week/I'm sure they'll accept them, they know who I am", I explained that we would submit them at her instruction but wouldn't be held responsible for the delays caused (and thousands of pounds of cancelled travel bookings/performances) if (when) they were rejected. She eventually agreed to have some standard passport photographs sent over the next day. When the passport and all the visas were completed and returned to us, she sent us a thank you card with no message, just her name and a 50p coin in the envelope She also accused us of trying to sell the original photographs she had sent, until her assistant confirmed they had been returned the same day

- A man called me querying his water bill and asking specifically what the sewerage charge was for. I explained it was for taking waste away from the home when he flushes his toilet. He asked for me to remove this charge from his account as he would be shitting in a carrier bag and burying it in his garden from now on

I just laughed out loud at this

@Carolineforbes I've been married to 'new guy' for 8 years and we have two girls. We have the photo of him with ex and we are all on friendly terms now and laugh about it all.

We used to have a very old septic tank just outside our front door that had to be emptied once a year. One year a new guy came, he stuck the hose pipe in the tank and went to the lorry to switch on the pump. The lorry was out of sight of the septic tank (this is very significant). So the hose pipe sucks up a year’s worth of disgusting stuff and the guy goes back to the lorry to switch off the pump. But instead of switching it off he reverses it, so instead of sucking it is spewing everything out with great force and the hose pipe flies around throwing a year’s worth of shit all over the garden and the walls of the house. My friend and I were in the house, looking out of the large window and it and everything around it was being covered in shit and shouting at the guy to stop. He couldn’t see what was happening, he couldn’t hear us and we couldn’t leave the house because it was raining shit. When he realized he just drove off, left us to clean everything and sent us an invoice!

I used to be a life insurance claims assessor. Probably the most interesting job I will ever have.

Every so often we'd have people calling to say that they wanted to claim on their policy because they'd had a cardiac arrest and their heart had stopped for X minutes/they'd "technically died" on the table during surgery/they'd been resuscitated funnily enough if you're on the phone speaking to me, you are not dead.

Also had a chap phone and ask if he died and was cryogenically frozen, would he have to pay the insurance money back if he was ever thawed and brought back to life in the future?

Just today this happened...

I rang the hospital to check on my partners mother.

The nurse says, "Shes ok, shes just asked for the toilet commode, shes just getting out of bed"

I say "I think youve got the names mixed up, (repeated name)

Nurse "No iv got the correct patient, were just getting the toilet commode"

Me "But she has a catheter"

Nurse "She needs to empty her bowels"

Me "Shes got a stoma bag"

Nurse, "No she hasnt"

Me "Erm, yes she has, you must of got the wrong patient

Nurse "We are just getting her out of bed"

Me "She is completely bed bound due to ill health and hasnt got out of bed for over a year and cant even sit up unaided "

Nurse "Well this is the plan, the toilet commode and getting her out in the chair"

Me "Erm.... 😲

This is actually something I did about 10 years ago that I still can't believe I did. It's bizarre and I still don't know how I managed to do something so ridiculous!

I had been dating a guy for a couple of months, and we lived in different cities and I used to call him every night when I got home from work.

One night my mobile was out of battery so I used my landline, and scrolled through it to find his number.

He answered and we started chatting. He was a bit confused at first because he said he didn't recognise the number I was calling from. He sounded a bit strange but I assumed it was the line and background noise. He also said to me that I sounded a bit weird too.

We chatted for about a minute, before he said "So I booked that holiday we were discussing earlier."

I was I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, and I started getting a bit panicked. I asked him where he was, and he said he was in a pub in a particular suburb of London. I asked him what on earth he was doing there as he actually lived on the other side of the UK, and he seemed very confused and said "Well I live here."

I very quickly hung up, realising that I had mistakenly dialed my ex boyfriends number who I had broken up with a few months earlier, and had been speaking to him thinking he was my current boyfriend, and he thought I was his current girlfriend.

I still go hot with embarrassment thinking about it. I couldn't even bring myself to call him back to explain the mix up!

Spent ages on the phone to my Aunty explaining how to set up her scanner. Told her to put something on the glass and press Scan. Nothing came up on the screen. So I talked her through how to uninstall and reinstall... still nothing appeared on the screen. Repeated the process... still nothing. Finally asked her what she’d put on the scanner: A blank piece of paper.

A man called to compliment another service... he spent 20 minutes complimenting my accent and talking about the time he was in York in the 90s (I'm from Yorkshire). I couldn't hang up.

When I was in my first year of uni, I lived with 3 girls who I thought were all lovely at first. Then I found out one was racist and homophobic, and the other one was desperate to be her friend. The other one was very nice, a bit posh compared to the other 3 of us lol. They used to make fun of her eyebrows and laugh behind her back.
I was feeling homesick so I decided to write to my best friend. I included the above in this letter, and said I didn't like the racist homophobic girl much. I put a stamp on the envelope, and just as I was going to write her address I dropped the letter and it went underneath a car and I couldn't get it. I waited a while but no one came to move the car, so I thought oh well never mind and just left it.
I went home for the weekend, and when I came back, someone had found the letter and sent it to our flat! I'd included my address in it so she could write back to me. My flat mates had all read it as whoever posted it didn't put a name on it just our address. It was awful. The two girls didn't speak to me for the rest of the year (this happened at the beginning) even though all I did was tell the truth (I had no reason to lie to my best friend) It could only happen to me!

I found a used tampon in the changing room stool when I was checking them for security tags (people try on clothes, de tag and stash the tags in the stool, give the clothes back after trying them on and come back later to steal it)

I used to work for a call center and we used to call the US. One day I called the guy I was supposed to be calling, and he was very enthusiastic about my accent. He explained that his son loved the "British" accent and it was the sons birthday that day, please could I call him and wish him a happy birthday? It was a slow day at work and so I did :) the best thing about the call to the son was he was asleep, so he answers the phone all groggy and there is this mad English woman wishing him a happy birthday lol

MagicKingdomDizzy and Heartofglass12345
both of those are completely mortifying!

I provide a legal service. Client rings with sob story that she can’t pay much as low income. I reduce my price out of kindness. She then says she needs the document the next day as she is going on holiday to Australia for a month. Ha !

TodaysFishIsTroutALaCreme
My neighbour drove her car through the side of my house because she felt like it.

Did this nutjob woman say why she felt like driving her car through someone else's house?! At best, she has/had poor impulse control. At worst, she sounds completely off her rocker.

I hope she was arrested and charged.

My friend worked in retail managing a clothes shop. One day shop was quiet and she noticed a “trail of destruction” leading from entrance to changing room.
Went into changing rooms to find a huge goat with horns trying to head butt itself in the changing room mirror!!
It had escaped from a local city farm 😂

I love all these stories! Thank you!

@LynetteScavo what does the guy do that your DH worked for? We're still dying to know.

I have another idiotic one. My sister's sister in law is not the brightest. In the old days would be described as a dumb blonde (I''m blonde too btw).

They were visiting us for a weekend and the SIL complained that her 3yo daughter kept biting through her bottle teets and that she would have to go out and buy a new bottle. Again.

The bottle was a well known brand I mentioned that you can just buy the teets separately. What? She'd never heard of such sorcery.

So I took her to the shop and showed her, and explained that her daughter is probably biting holes in the teets, because when you buy a new bottle, it comes with teets with the smallest holes in them. The poor child couldn't get anything out, bit holes in them, mum throws the whole bottle away and buys a new one .

Even in the shop, she was still disbelieving me and I literally marched her to the till to pay for the no. 3 teets only and then showed her how it worked.

I fear for that poor child, really.

@Bridget1983 I love goats! Wish I had a goat story

Love the goat!

Am amazed at how many changing room crappers there are out there though. Was going to suggest that it should be an Olympic sport, but then remembered that Paula Radcliffe had beat me to it.

I also can't believe all the changing room crappers. I grew up in another country and have never heard of this. Mind you, it's a hot country... maybe people do it outside here instead of in the changing rooms of colder countries like the UK and Canada?

Turtle - am laughing so much!

[grin[
Me too

My mum asked me to buy one of those little battery powered milk frothers.

So I'm in the kitchen department of a department store and asked a member of staff if they sold them, he said no so I decided to have a mooch around anyway. I love kitchen departments and shops.

I actually found one and took it to the till and had a conversation with the same member of staff.

me: I thought you said you didn't sell these

him: We don't

me: Are you sure?

him: Yes, absolutely sure as he puts the frother in a bag and takes my money.

I hope he just had a dry sense of humour.

One of my neighbours moved from London where she had lived in a second floor flat.

She'd told of a local police officer because she thought he'd kicked the horse he was sitting on. No idea if he had and I know that what looks like a kick to a non rider can be something different.

Anyway the horse disappeared so they came round to her flat to ask if she'd stolen it.

She took them round the flat, opening cupboards and doors saying, "maybe it's in here".

Oh and the idiocy of people who work with disabled students allowances. Or at least the one that run the department when I first went to uni.

I'm dyslexic, I was entitled to glasses with coloured lenses. The council would find that, but not prescription lenses. I wear glasses all the time, I need the glasses to be both prescription and blue. They also cost exactly the same.

I also got the run around between this woman and the student loan company, SLC said they had sent 2 forms to her, she said she only had one. SLC sent the forms again, she still only got one.

Eventually a nice lady from the SLC said, "she can't just have one, they are printed on opposite sides of the same piece of paper.

So, I have another one.

In laws visit from Canada. Am living in a two bed Edwardian flat with a slightly quirky layout. The bathroom is internal with no window. Instead, it has a 'window' of glass blocks to allow some light in from the kitchen. The kitchen has a skylight above the bathroom 'window'.

In - laws always pack for every eventuality as though on a camping expedition in a remote country rather than England. Coffee, peanut butter, torches, their own washing line and pegs, multiple parcels of food in ziplock bags, their own tea bags (presumably in case you can't buy any in the UK) and their own set of travel scales to check that their suitcase isn't overweight (the irony of which is lost on them).

Anyway, I get up in the night to use the bathroom and see some pale light seeping under the bathroom door. The bathroom light isn't on. I assume that there must be a particularly bright moon above the kitchen skylight which is filtering through to the bathroom. I try the handle and it's unlocked and the door swings open.

In front of me the bathroom is pitch black aside from a small bright circle of light. I stand there half asleep staring at this peculiarity as it comes more into focus. 'What is this thing that I am staring at. WHAT ON EARTH IS IT?' It's hairy and wrinkly yet perfectly illuminated by a bright spot light. It looks like an exhibit at The Tate Modern!!!

And then a voice permeates the darkness. "Hello, eh?". And suddenly I realise what I am looking at! It is my Father In Law's illuminated knob!!! He is sat on the toilet wearing ONLY a head torch strapped to his forehead, which is angled down!!!!