AIBU to say that big is NOT beautiful!

[SummerSummerSummer]

So, I'm not expecting the MN community to take this statement well (or who knows), but I have come to the conclusion that the whole 'Big is Beautiful' stuff is complete nonsense! Big (I'm talking overweight here) is unhealthy, unattractive, and normal healthy weight is what we should all aim for.

Pre-DC, ten years ago, I was of normal weight, attractive and full of energy. I would cycle to work (in London), go running, rollerblading and do yoga classes. Whatever clothes I wanted to wear, I did with no problems. Everything looked great.

Children happened and the sleep deprivation, lack of me-time and the general exhaustion made me seek comfort in food and I gained a lot of weight. I would eat chocolate secretly behind my family's back to reward myself for something or to celebrate a moment or whatever reason really.

A few days ago I saw pictures taken of me on a family holiday and I can't fake it anymore. I look awful! My belly looks like I'm 6 months pregnant, my thighs are full of cellulite and my bum is enormous (however fashionable it might be at the moment). And I don't look good either. I hate getting into a swimming costume for everyone to see me, I cannot find any nice clothes to fit me and I'm so unfit!

It's easier to tell yourself in the winter that you're not really that big when you can wrap yourself in big jumpers, coats and scarves. You can do your hair and make up and kind of look ok. But in this heat there's no hiding from it, and no amount of make up or time spent on hair can fake you a healthy looking figure. And I hate the way I have to pull my t-shirts down over my belly instead of tucking them in like it's fashionable at the moment! And any leggings, tights or bottoms with elasticated waist always roll under my belly rather than stay up where they're supposed to be! Let alone the fact that this is now my preferred wardrobe due to jeans and smarter trousers feeling really uncomfortable! And tops! Spagetti top is a no, sleeveless top is a no, t-shirt is a maybe if it's the loose kind because of big wobbly arms!

So the reasons I'm saying big is not beautiful are:

1. Being overweight is unhealthy and puts you in risk of all kinds of illnesses (such as diabetes which I worry about)
2. You are constantly fixated on food and treats. What you are going to eat next, when can you eat it, how can you hide it from everyone else etc..

3.Nothing fits you nicely. You can not participate in the fashion scene.

1. You get out of breath so easily. Even going upstairs becomes a nuisance let alone having a game of football or tag with your children!
2. Telling lies to yourself is not healthy for you mentally. Healthy body, healthy mind.
3. Not wanting to appear in photographs. Editing yourself out of family photos which is super sad.

I think anything over a 20/22 is big anything under is just a bit tubby

You really can't use dress sizes as a deciding factor.

I've never been less than a 12, maybe a 10 at a push but I'm very tall and so am probably going to look slimmer than someone half my height but the same size.

Big is beautiful is just a meaningless sound bite though isn’t it? No one believes either big or small is beautiful alone, beauty is much more than that, and generally facially driven

We do have a horrendous obesity problem in this country, that's not new.

Of course you will find a lot of defensive posters if you mention that being overweight is not a positive, that's hardly new either.

What is scary is the pressure to deny the issue and pretend it's the new normal. The average woman in the uk is size 14 or 16 (can't remember) so it must mean it's the correct size to be.

No it's not. More and more people being overweight doesn't make it right or acceptable in any way shape or form. I wish we could stop trying to change the healthy norms.

I started writing and my phone seized. The gist is .... here's a snapshot of thoughts in my mind, hour by hour sometimes.

"Fuck sake Au, you look like shit. Again"
"Au, don't speak up because people will look at you and they'll be disgusted"
"Don't think for a second that guy is looking at you appreciatively....you're not attractive and to think otherwise is laughable"
"Forget about ever being or feeling good enough. You're in your 40's and way past your individual prime"
"Oh god they'll see my huge arse whilst I walk upstairs in front of them"
" I hope someone else does the coffee run this morning. I'm too embarrassed to walk past everyone. Especially all those glam people"

I'm a nightmare. I also know I'm nowhere interesting enough to the majority of people. Maybe they don't give a shit.

I do though. My confidence is at rock bottom. I'm divorcing a man who was pretty cruel and I guess for me, mud sticks

I so wish I didn't have that dialogue. I so wish I could believe I am worth it. I just don't know how to break this dreadful cycle of revulsion and disappointment.

I'm a size 20/22 and 5'9. Maybe I don't want the weight loss enough. I'm exhausted with it all.

Being fat does not make you ugly, I think you should rephrase that

Nah can't find it now. Does anyone else remember it, was it deleted? Basically this woman said that she wanted to tell us all it was possible to lose weight through diet and exercise - and she HAD - amazing, obviously as who knew - none of us for a start. Entirely ground breaking.

My SIL is like the oversize models, her face is slim but her body is noticeably overweight.

She is not saying all fat people are ugly but that the negative aspects of being overweight aren't as commonly spoke about.

Yeah, fat people having low-self esteem, being greedy, unhealthy, and generally gross is barely every mentioned anywhere and very rarely on Mumsnet

Being judgemental makes you ugly.

You have to separate the two - beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Being fat is unhealthy - the myth that you can be obese and healthy has been debunked. There are healthy weights for a reason.

@klobluchar I am not as familiar with mumsnet so I haven't seen that as much. And whats wrong with speaking about the negative aspects of being overweight? They are a reality. Just as the negatives of smoking.

Are you one of those people with the kink that you get off on being told you're revolting, ugly, greedy etc?

If not and you're really just spilling out a load of self-hatred, I suggest you attempt a kinder internal dialogue.

@Klobluchar - I make you right. Never. Greedy fat obese people never ever spoken about. Should be though. We need more posters like this. Fat people NEED to be told (not to their face you understand).

Being obese is unhealthy, for sure, but it's healthier to be obese and maintain a steady weight than it is to lose weight and regain it in a cycle.

One thing I’m confused by is that people who claim to be overweight and say they stand out around slim people - where the hell do you work or live to surrounded by slim people? My sil came to London and she said she was shocked about how the obesity levels.

And whats wrong with speaking about the negative aspects of being overweight? They are a reality. They are a reality for overweight people of course, but what do you hope to achieve by speaking about these negative aspects?

I was once an amazing athlete, but I still weighed what MNers would consider a lot for my height. I wore a size 6 but by weight MNers would say I was fat. I was anything but. I'm about a stone heavier than then - age, 3 kids, and eating - working on it, but there's far too much emphasis on weight and not on fitness, IMO.

I'll leave you to it for a while, I'm just off to start a thread entitled Fat Birds are Ugly because there is nothing wrong with telling people the truth about being fat.

DishingOutDone I remember that thread.
the responses were quite funny

I went dress shopping today for a floaty cool summer frock. After stripping off to try some on, My dm said to the lady helping, what happened to my lovely slim daughter?!
I was mortified.
Two sections, a hysterectomy, a chronic condition with drugs that took me from a 12/14 to an 18 in three months, that's what happened, Mum.

I have dropped a stone and struggle to lose the rest due to mobility issues.
I don't really need reminding I am overweight. I see it every day in the mirror, thanks. Exercise/sport is what is missing and has always helped me keep slim in the past. With reduced mobility and chronic pain, it is hard to do what I used to do to burn it off. I am trying to push past it but really don't need to be on the receiving end of comments and judgy remarks from someone who knows what I face every day.
Some people look best with curves and can be fit and healthy. Think Marilyn and Jane Mansfield.

@DishingOutDone I am not hoping to achieve anything I wouldn't start a whole thread about it but it is a reality. OP is saying shes gained weight and that has led her to believe being overweight isn't enjoyable which is hardly a revelation but isn't something to argue against necessarily. I personally am a couple of pounds overweight and I can relate to how she feels on a personal level. But I don't agree with notions of attractiveness or being beautiful being linked to weight. The stuff shes said about health and self esteem is valid in my opinion though.

Well I knew it was going to be an explosive subject to start with, but I do want to emphasize that I do not want to insult anyone. I guess I'm too embarrassed to talk about this to my nearest and dearest because I have been claiming for years to be happy with my bigger figure, but I feel like I have been lying to myself. And the reason I chose that statement is because that is the exact lie I have been telling myself. It's actually not true for ME personally, and it's time to loose the weight.

And those friends I see eating biscuits or other treats, I eat with them! I have been just like them. No difference.

I do believe big people can have beautiful faces, hair, amazing personalities and are equally lovable as anyone else. Obviously.
I have been loved with this figure. My husband has loved and continued having sex with me (in the dark though by my request) even though I have ballooned since getting married and he hasn't and I know he doesn't find fat very attractive.

I think body positivity is good. I will never be a supermodel no matter what I try, I'm too short for that anyways! And if I manage to get back to my healthy weight, I will embrace the fact that we all come in different shapes and sizes.
What I mean is that obesity shouldn't be celebrated or normalized. We really should accept that NORMAL healthy weight is what everyone should be aiming for.

@dishingoutdone

The top part of my post was meant to be a quote from someone else’s post and it didn’t work out. Certainly not my opinion.

@followthefairytalexx

Do you think overweight people are unaware they are overweight or the health risks that can bring? Do you think yet another thread on Mumsnet will get them to just snap out of it and lose weight just like that and if only they had known it was as easy as that they would have done it years ago?

Confidence is more important than weight for attractiveness (up to a point). It's very attractive to be content about your appearance.
However the two things go hand in hand - many overweight people overeat because of low self esteem and it's a vicious cycle.
Being fit does help you feel better as your body confidence is no longer purely based on appearance but on what your body can do. But then physical exercise is difficult for very overweight people too.
No one should feel judged or valued on their bodyweight that's for sure.