AIBU to say that big is NOT beautiful!

[SummerSummerSummer]

So, I'm not expecting the MN community to take this statement well (or who knows), but I have come to the conclusion that the whole 'Big is Beautiful' stuff is complete nonsense! Big (I'm talking overweight here) is unhealthy, unattractive, and normal healthy weight is what we should all aim for.

Pre-DC, ten years ago, I was of normal weight, attractive and full of energy. I would cycle to work (in London), go running, rollerblading and do yoga classes. Whatever clothes I wanted to wear, I did with no problems. Everything looked great.

Children happened and the sleep deprivation, lack of me-time and the general exhaustion made me seek comfort in food and I gained a lot of weight. I would eat chocolate secretly behind my family's back to reward myself for something or to celebrate a moment or whatever reason really.

A few days ago I saw pictures taken of me on a family holiday and I can't fake it anymore. I look awful! My belly looks like I'm 6 months pregnant, my thighs are full of cellulite and my bum is enormous (however fashionable it might be at the moment). And I don't look good either. I hate getting into a swimming costume for everyone to see me, I cannot find any nice clothes to fit me and I'm so unfit!

It's easier to tell yourself in the winter that you're not really that big when you can wrap yourself in big jumpers, coats and scarves. You can do your hair and make up and kind of look ok. But in this heat there's no hiding from it, and no amount of make up or time spent on hair can fake you a healthy looking figure. And I hate the way I have to pull my t-shirts down over my belly instead of tucking them in like it's fashionable at the moment! And any leggings, tights or bottoms with elasticated waist always roll under my belly rather than stay up where they're supposed to be! Let alone the fact that this is now my preferred wardrobe due to jeans and smarter trousers feeling really uncomfortable! And tops! Spagetti top is a no, sleeveless top is a no, t-shirt is a maybe if it's the loose kind because of big wobbly arms!

So the reasons I'm saying big is not beautiful are:

1. Being overweight is unhealthy and puts you in risk of all kinds of illnesses (such as diabetes which I worry about)
2. You are constantly fixated on food and treats. What you are going to eat next, when can you eat it, how can you hide it from everyone else etc..

3.Nothing fits you nicely. You can not participate in the fashion scene.

1. You get out of breath so easily. Even going upstairs becomes a nuisance let alone having a game of football or tag with your children!
2. Telling lies to yourself is not healthy for you mentally. Healthy body, healthy mind.
3. Not wanting to appear in photographs. Editing yourself out of family photos which is super sad.

I got fat shamed today!

I actually laughed as it was amusing. I was dealing with a lady at work, very sharp and funny elderly lady who I was helping with a problem. Her problem was in part weight related (a technical/contractual problem with her BMI) and she was outraged about it. I was empathising with her plight and she put her hand on my size 14/16 leg and gave it a wobble and said ‘your BMI isnt great either is it my dear’
My manager was faced and I just said ‘yep well that’s true’ as what could I say?!

I'm sorry you feel like that about yourself. I hope you can find a solution that works for you.
But please don't project your negativity onto everyone else who may not fit your idea of beautiful.

Why do we as adults normalise all the extra fat we carry around?

This.

I don't think we should ever deny reality which is that being overweight/obese is a risk factor

And this.
Very wise words.

Lookdontteuch your post needs a re read by some of these posters. You put what I wanted to say extremely well.
People get very irate when you mention health at every size or body acceptance, as though you are promoting or preferring larger bodies and/or advising a lifestyle of eating cake and lying down. It's not that, it's encouraging healthy choices because they feel good and make lasting changes to people's lives. It means that we accept all people of any size, and don't refuse to accept bodies that are not 'healthy' as surely most can see that is very problematic.
It also means that we accept the social structural problems that add to both higher weights and also choices that are not healthful (such a poverty.)

Sorry bad last sentence, I mean that poverty is one of the structural problems that adds to health problems associated with higher weights.

Speaking as a fat person, there is not one day of my life when I have been celebrated for my weight

Perhaps you have never felt celebrated, and I hope you have never been ridiculed or judged for your weight.

On MN there have been a few threads where posters have posted pics of themselves in bikinis. No matter how heavy they are, almost every reply tells them that they look “fab”. I really think that “fab” is only ever used to describe overweight women.

No-one should hate themselves because of the way they look, but this “fabbing” ”is only helping to normalize obesity.

I agree for health reasons.

However. I'm a huge defender when it comes to weight because I hate the idea of someone being upset about their weight and someone else feeling like its acceptable to pass comments and judgements.

None of anyone's business but your own. Weight is a private thing.

I agree that LookDon'tTeuch's post is very on point. I dislike the way the OP's posts have been written and I suspect that he/she's re-aligned them a bit in later posts because they didn't like the comments they had.

i also agree with this from BaconandAvocado's post requoted from pp:
Why do we as adults normalise all the extra fat we carry around?
&
I don't think we should ever deny reality which is that being overweight/obese is a risk factor

And this
Very wise words.

Yes they are - what I don't agree with is the premise being used to batter other people and make them feel small/worthless as if their weight is any kind of barometer of their value. It isn't.

Making people feel like shit changed nothing ever, just encourage a slew of inadequate posters to parrot and purposely type wide-eyed posts on AIBU, targeting as many as they can. It's very transparent and nearly always has a base in spite and inadequacy.

I've been much heavier than I am now, I wouldn't have dreamed of posting a smug lecture because I know how bloody hard it is. Always women too - the hunters and the hunted.

I can't think that anybody needs threads like this.

Urgh the defensive crap some posters are coming out with is embarrassing confused

Confused you might well be! The 'defensive crap' is usually in response to nasty and vindictive comments and opinions that have absolutely nothing to do with caring about the fat person on the recieving end, and guess what, fat people's brains do actually work and they're very capable of working that out. If you are personal and nasty then expect a defensive response in anything. I agree that some people will take anything offensively, but in at least 50% of times all that motivates the comment is spite.

Fat is not healthy. Fat is not something to be 'proud' of. Fat means you aren't more healthy than a person of a 'normal' weight.
It is also not something to be ashamed of, to hide away because you can't hide it, to be shunned and vilified for. And then told you're not allowed to be upset or feel down about being shunned and vilified because that makes you oversensitive and it's normalising being fat.

The OP has been vilified by overweight posters on the defensive. Facts are facts - the NHS is at breaking point because it's apparently not 'PC' to discuss the obesity crisis in the UK.
Again, people are usually defensive when attacked. I agree that increases in weight in general is on the up, it's a rising problem - I'd be more than willing to 'discuss' it. What I'm not willing to put up with is the morally superior attitudes that usually accompany such discussions like the first line of your post for instance. Again, when you're attacked about something, it makes you defensive. And fat people are attacked, in person, online, everywhere at some point. Bit overweight? I can guarantee someone will use the original 'fat cow' as an insult sooner rather than later. Maybe stop and think about how it's being approached, as has been said over and over on here and everywhere, obesity is a rising problem. If it were working to shame and bully people into doing something about it, why is it on the increase still? Because fat people have been shamed and bullied for years. Anyone who actually cares about the health aspects of it would be realising this.

I absolutely agree big isn't 'beautiful', I do agree that some big women are beautiful regardless of what they weigh.

And for posters 'whatabouting' other things like smokers, anorexics etc - this thread is about obesity, and no matter how defensive and how 'beautiful' lots of obese posters feel - to claim you can be healthy i.e run a marathon at 30st etc is being in denial.

Actually I think whataboutery has a place when we're talking NHS funding. You'd be forgiven for thinking, after reading this thread, that obesity is the only challenge brought on by people putting things in their bodies nor good for them, that's an issue. That's just not true and we shouldn't be picking out one section and vilifying them - if you feel so strongly about it with obesity then you should about smoking, drinking and taking drugs. Shouting whataboutery is a convenient shut down to any discussion the self appointed morally superior don't want to have.

Crusty I'm sorry, but obesity is becoming the biggest challenge in health care today. It was smoking but obesity has overtaken it. Obesity is a risk factor in cardiovascular diseases, diabetes T2 (and alzheimers is now being identified as a form of diabetes) and several common cancers, and many other diseases.
The goal is to eradicate smoking by 2030, reduce drinking to safe levels, but where are we going with obesity?

I can only assume posters who think obesity isn’t a huge strain on the NHS or a serious risk factor for many life-limiting illnesses haven’t worked in frontline healthcare. Those that do, and have, know first hand the immense struggles obese people have with their health, if not today while they’re relatively young then tomorrow when their joints give up or they’re having heart attacks. Yes the NHS is facing many challenges, but the obesity crisis is a significant one. You only have to look at the statistics for how many children and adults are obese or overweight in this country. It’s shocking that as a society we’ve allowed things to get to this point.

BMI is utterly rubbish, though, as measurement. Donald Trump and Jason Momoa have the same BMI, but the latter is FAR fitter than the former and has a much narrower waist.

I assume most of these people are in their 20s or possibly 30s, or else they have been overweight or obese for most of their lives, so they can't remember how their bodies are actually supposed to function and feel.
I don't know, we can't tell other people what to think and feel about themselves, but at least do not deny statistics and well established facts.

Cosentyx please stop. BMI is a useful guide and accurate in most cases, in that it usually correlates with body fat %. Of course athletes will have access to more detailed measurements of their body composition.
The NHS recommends that people measure their waists in addition to calculating their BMI - and guess what? They usually correlate. If your waist is still too big then aim for the mid or lower range of BMI. No need to complicate matters by waffling on about rugby players.

BMI is a useful tool, if used with some common sense. If someone is working out and has significant muscle then obviously they can still be a healthy weight for them at a BMI that’d indicate a problem for someone who wasn’t particular active or building muscle. But I really don’t think there are hordes of athletes or body builders worrying that they’re overweight because their BMI is 26 when they have a healthy lifestyle and are purposeful about fitness. For your average Joe BMI is helpful for identifying when your weight is too much for your height. There are outliers with every tool but it’s daft to suggest its ‘utter rubbish’ as a guideline for what range your weight should be within for your height, when there are proven health risks for your weight being so heavy you’re exceeding the BMI range for normal weight.

feeling, please wind your neck in. BMI isn't useful at all. The NHS is outdated in a lot of things. I never waffled about anything, my post was only a couple of sentences long and made no mention of rugby players but of course, you can project and twist words round all you want .

This thread just keeps on giving.

BMI isn’t useful at all you’ve basically discredited anything else you may have to say on the matter with that nonsense.

BMI is misleading to say the least.

you’ve basically discredited anything else you may have to say on the matter with that nonsense.

We're all entitled to our opinion, Jemima, yours doesn't mean anything to me, either, so well, I find you just as credible.

I'm in no way fat, never have been, always been quite athletic, but well, it doesn't take a genius to realise the NHS is on its knees and behind the times due to nearly 10 years of Tory underfunding and privatisation, but if it makes people feel better about themselves to shame others (an extraordinarily ineffective motivational tool, IME) then have at it.

Some people won’t be happy until people with a high BMI are denied treatment of any sort on the NHS. Don’t worry, I’m sure that’s being discussed right now in some thinktank somewhere. Then after that it will be people who drink alcohol most days even though everyone is aware of the health risks of that too. If only the deserving should get healthcare then you’d better work out whether you deserve it too, otherwise after fat people, you’ll be next.

Thank fuck that Boris is 'a bit on the cuddly side' then...

Can some posters not understand that most if not all others understand the risks from obesity and the impact that this has on the NHS, without resorting to patronising other people with goady giddiness about how other people look? After all, that's what the goady OP was all over, wasn't it, 'big isn't beautiful'?

Healthy is what everybody should be striving for. Since nobody else can do that for them - and ridiculing doesn't work - what's the point of this?

There have been some really thought-provoking posts (about 5). It's pity that you've got to scroll through lots of spiteful dross to get to them.

I really recommend Linda bacon's book 'health at every size' or Laura Thomas 'just eat it' for anyone reading this who is sick of dieting or hating themselves for their weight. Really eye opening and in my opinion leads the way to respecting your body and health as a choice which does not include your weight.

This thread has grown bigger and more complex than I anticipated when starting it. I've had time to reflect on every comment and viewpoint and I stand by my words that the whole big is beautiful movement is not right. Of course I believe that if you are big you can also be beautiful and every person deserves love, respect and admiration regardless of their appearance.

But I confessed to being a secret eater and I know I would have gotten a very different responses if I was a secret drinker. I eat in secret from my family, what harm would it cause if I drank secretly from my family if they didn't see me drunk? If I used alcohol to cope with life rather than sugar? I would hear how people are concerned for my wellbeing, my children's wellfare and the health implications. I've told myself for years that big is OK and beautiful and that my habit is OK, because it doesn't affect anyone else but me. And whose business is it anyways what I do with my own body?

For every overweight or obese person out there there is an addiction to some kind of food behind it. For me it's sugar, but it might be fast food, salty&fatty, doughy (breads and cakes) but whatever it is it's not right as its not right to drink alcohol beyond a reasonable limit. People can write here and defend their healthyness and that they run marathons etc and I do believe them, but how is it possible to still be overweight with all this activity if there's no issue with food?
Food is complex because you can't go cold turkey with it. You still need to eat, but you can go cold turkey with treats. They are not needed for survival.
It's all so personal and complex, and it hurts when people point out your flaws and weaknesses. I'm glad no one has spoken to me about this in real life as I would have been deeply hurt too. Told them to mind their own business. That I'm happy with my size (but I'm obviously not). That's why I posted here anonymously to talk and exchange views. It's easier like that.

People who drink secretly also get very defensive if you talk to them about it. They lie the amounts they drink and rubbish the impact it has on their families or their health. In fact the definition of alcoholism is that drinking becomes a problem when it impacts negatively on the person's life or the lives of those around them. The same can be said about food. Food becomes an issue when it affects the persons life negatively or the lives of those around them. Negative effects of food on my family are that I'm secretive, can't participate in games of football or tag, don't want to have photos taken spontaneously (without posing to find the best angle that doesn't show my size), lie to my family and showing my kids a bad example.
This is why I have an issue with the whole big is beautiful mantra. No ones says 'boozers are awesome' or anythingike that. We shouldn't normalise our bad habits! No one is perfect and the causes of illness and addiction of any kind are complex and people need to be treated with respect. But to say that overweight is OK is like saying that being an alcoholic is OK.

its interesting people are making addiction parallels (understanding) im. a fatty and recent ex smoker, i rarely ever experienced prejudice for smoker and even then it wasn't a value judgement even from medical professionals, during pregnancy lectured about weight then re: "oh cut down in your own time love" 🙄🤔