AIBU to say that big is NOT beautiful!

[SummerSummerSummer]

So, I'm not expecting the MN community to take this statement well (or who knows), but I have come to the conclusion that the whole 'Big is Beautiful' stuff is complete nonsense! Big (I'm talking overweight here) is unhealthy, unattractive, and normal healthy weight is what we should all aim for.

Pre-DC, ten years ago, I was of normal weight, attractive and full of energy. I would cycle to work (in London), go running, rollerblading and do yoga classes. Whatever clothes I wanted to wear, I did with no problems. Everything looked great.

Children happened and the sleep deprivation, lack of me-time and the general exhaustion made me seek comfort in food and I gained a lot of weight. I would eat chocolate secretly behind my family's back to reward myself for something or to celebrate a moment or whatever reason really.

A few days ago I saw pictures taken of me on a family holiday and I can't fake it anymore. I look awful! My belly looks like I'm 6 months pregnant, my thighs are full of cellulite and my bum is enormous (however fashionable it might be at the moment). And I don't look good either. I hate getting into a swimming costume for everyone to see me, I cannot find any nice clothes to fit me and I'm so unfit!

It's easier to tell yourself in the winter that you're not really that big when you can wrap yourself in big jumpers, coats and scarves. You can do your hair and make up and kind of look ok. But in this heat there's no hiding from it, and no amount of make up or time spent on hair can fake you a healthy looking figure. And I hate the way I have to pull my t-shirts down over my belly instead of tucking them in like it's fashionable at the moment! And any leggings, tights or bottoms with elasticated waist always roll under my belly rather than stay up where they're supposed to be! Let alone the fact that this is now my preferred wardrobe due to jeans and smarter trousers feeling really uncomfortable! And tops! Spagetti top is a no, sleeveless top is a no, t-shirt is a maybe if it's the loose kind because of big wobbly arms!

So the reasons I'm saying big is not beautiful are:

1. Being overweight is unhealthy and puts you in risk of all kinds of illnesses (such as diabetes which I worry about)
2. You are constantly fixated on food and treats. What you are going to eat next, when can you eat it, how can you hide it from everyone else etc..

3.Nothing fits you nicely. You can not participate in the fashion scene.

1. You get out of breath so easily. Even going upstairs becomes a nuisance let alone having a game of football or tag with your children!
2. Telling lies to yourself is not healthy for you mentally. Healthy body, healthy mind.
3. Not wanting to appear in photographs. Editing yourself out of family photos which is super sad.

It's such bollocks that overweight people can not be attractive.

Such an unkind, unattractive, judgy attitude as well, even more sad when people apply this disgust to themselves

I have quite a lot of bigger friends/family/colleagues, most of them are actually very attractive and good looking. Not in a beautiful-on-the-inside way, just genuinely good looking, nice dressing, fun attractive people.

The only thing that is unattractive is the self hatred OP is trying to inflict on herself and others. So sad an unnecessary to hate yourself and your body. You have 1 life, this is it, don't spend it beating yourself up (or others)

Lose weight, or don't, but stop the hating, please. Try and do things that maje you love your body, I find sport is very good for that. It may not make you thin, but it will change your attitude to yourself and your body

Every time I improve a tiny bit in my sport/fitness level, I feel so grateful for my body. Sounds soppy and self indulgent, but might be better than self loathing!

You sound very unhappy in your body at the moment, but this isn't going to help you change your body, because it is the same body as when you where smaller size, and now - if you want to change your body shape it should happen slowly 1lb-2lbs a week and that's gonna take some time and you need to appreciate what your body can do right now. Sure you get out of breath going upstairs but you can still do it - so do it, and find opportunities to do it... You should make some changes if that's what you want to do, but life is too short to 'hate on yourself'.

Urgh the defensive crap some posters are coming out with is embarrassing

Fat is not healthy. Fat is not something to be 'proud' of. Fat means you aren't more healthy than a person of a 'normal' weight. The OP has been vilified by overweight posters on the defensive. Facts are facts - the NHS is at breaking point because it's apparently not 'PC' to discuss the obesity crisis in the UK.

I absolutely agree big isn't 'beautiful', I do agree that some big women are beautiful regardless of what they weigh.

And for posters 'whatabouting' other things like smokers, anorexics etc - this thread is about obesity, and no matter how defensive and how 'beautiful' lots of obese posters feel - to claim you can be healthy i.e run a marathon at 30st etc is being in denial.

Fuck me! Who made you Head of Department of Size?

I’m not overweight but frankly, it wouldn’t be the worst thing, if I were.

Bereavement, poor health, disability, redundancy. Clearly, you have a small life.

Anyone who has a negative opinion of someone else's body type & size, get over yourself & get a life. Remember we all end up in the same place, thin people die just the same as large people. Nobody has the right to criticize anyone else, keep your opinions to yourselves. It's not what is on the outside that matters, it's what is on the inside that counts, kindness loving & caring.

Hi there LyingWitch. You tell me it’s nobody else’s business what other people do with their bodies, and yes there are certainly days when I wish that other people – and their bodies - were not my concern.
But it becomes my business when they ask for my advice with a health issue (I’m a nurse).
I’ve now read through this thread & I find that any concern I have about an overweight person is apparently thinly-disguised “fat shaming”.
That’s really not my experience. Instead I find that when an obese person comes to speak to me, particularly one who is very young, I feel genuine concern! My heart bleeds for them, in fact. I have had girls in their teens, crying and telling me I could never understand what they are going through, and that they would give anything to be the same size as me.

I find that tragic, that a young girl wants to be like someone who is old enough to be their grandmother.
Re: playing along with a fad. I could be tempted. Telling the truth is hard - that’s why I think the OPs post was brave. Look at the abuse she’s already got, just for putting it out there! I find it very hard to tell someone who’s already upset that they need to lose weight. But if I sat and parroted the “big is beautiful” mantra at them, I would just become part of the problem.

NB/ I saw one post that referred to overweight nurses. Yes there are many. Yes, it is an issue. No I’m not one of them.

Please! The nhs is not at breaking point because people won't discuss obesity!
The nhs is at breaking point because of a lack of funding.
Obesity is discussed all the time! You won't get people losing weight by shaming them. And in fact many of the poor health outcomes associated with fat people are just that, association. Have a look at some 'health at every size' stuff as there's some good research to debunk the 'fat always equals unhealthy' message.

I believe it is not just about weight but where the extra weight is deposited. I personally dislike sagging skin more than extra weight. After my next pregnancy (hopefully) I'm planning on saving up for skin reduction surgery. I have no idea when I got it but as far as my memory goes, I have had a saggy stomach. And learnt which styles suits me more. You don't need to follow fashion but get something similar that suits your new body shape. At this moment in time, I absolutely love my body shape. I need to lose 5kg to reach healthy bmi, but I'm very nervous about the shape I will end up.

But that's just it. It's not shaming someone. It's an issue that needs to be discussed before it can be addressed. "Shaming" doesn't even come into it. And "a lack of funding"? Funding isn't infinite.

Weight loss and fat loss are different. You can definitely be heavy and fit; look at rugby players. Having excessive fat and being fit? Nah not so much... rebelfit.co.uk/blog/2018/an-open-letter-to-the-haes-community

"I see we have to use the word "big" and not "fat" these days lest we offend anyone. We don't use "small" instead of "thin"."

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's maybe because fat is often used as an insult and the absolute worst thing you can be but thin is something to admire. Just a thought.

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

Actually obesity is one of the BIGGEST strains on the NHS (even considered to be overtaking smoking).
DH is a DR (hospital) and it’s a pretty well known fact amongst himself and the rest of his profession. My BFF is a nurse and says EXACTLY the same thing.

It’s because it effects every area, obgyn, orthopaedic, cardio- basically every department in the entire hospital has to be kitted out incase somebody gets wheeled in who can’t use the normal beds/equipment.

Holding up/back fat is an actual role in surgeries on grossly overweight people! Can you imagine a nurse or surgical assistant just having to stand there for hours holding 4st of somebody else’s body fat.

It’s definitely not the ONLY problem with the NHS but it is a rather large one!

Trendy apparently the word 'fat' has been reclaimed and is in fact what some prefer to be called or use to describe themselves nowadays.

Animals in the wild don't have extra layers of fat (at least most). Young kids have lithe and lean bodies. Why do we as adults normalise all the extra fat we carry around? Surely our amazing bodies serve us better if they are fit and toned? You only have one life. You only have one body. Why wouldn't you want it to work at its capacity?

gonewiththepotter I think every HCP knows this.I was a nurse in the '80s and the two groups of people that were over represented, at least on the medical wards, were smokers and overweight/obese patients, unfortunately.

Sounds to me that having children is the most unhealthy thing you can do! As to your resultant weight gain, like the rest of us, you have the answer in your own hands. But and a huge But you need to get yourself motivated in order to achieve not being "Big". You can do it, you recognise all the negatives so aim for the positives. No one needs to be like a rake but any weight loss is good. The folk in the advert being shown doesn't depict overweight females, if you really look, they have a very curvaceous body shape not fat, there is a difference.

cms1972 - I'm interested in your perspective because I work with a lot of young women and my experience is that they - almost without exception - experience debilitating body image issues, regardless of size.

I'd be interested to know whether your advice varies depending on body size as it comes across in your post? Because looking after your body through healthy diet and exercise, along with understanding how body image is shaped by society, works well with people of ALL body sizes.

If you can substitute the 'you need to lose weight' to fatties for 'let's look at ways that you can understand and nurture your body and mind' and you share that equally amongst young women of any shape and size - then you are on the right road.

It is actually very easy to promote and advise on healthier lifestyles without body-shaming, if your rule of thumb is that you treat everyone with equal respect and dignity (i.e. don't make assumptions based on body size) and stick to the facts; poor diet and sedentary lifestyle will impact on your health whether you are fat or thin.

Hi. I hope I don't body shame. Absolutely, I believe that looking after your mental health is as important as looking after your physical health & the two are interconnected. I am a huge advocate of exercise, whatever your size! Exercise is for everyone. IMO it can be as effective as antidepressants. Agreed, I have never met a young person who is proud of their body! It's very sad.

Having said that the obese young girls focus on their weight, which in their minds is the source of all their problems. I do not necessarily think that being thin is the passport to a fabulous life, but that is for them to find out & not for me to tell them at this stage. However I recommend, for a number of reasons, that they do their best to make positive lifestyle changes while they are still so young.

I agree OP however I do believe we are all be different shapes and sizes and can still be healthy.

For example, on the scales I'm pretty heavy (71kg) and I'm 5'2" however I wear a size 10 clothes and workout roughly 5 times per week.

I completely disagree with plus sized people with their bellies hanging out saying how healthy they are. You can not be heathy unless you are active. And very large people sometimes struggle to even walk without getting out of breath.

Inactivity is a major cause of disease

I don’t disagree (I’m very very large myself) but ultimately while the ideal is for people to never get big in the first place, once they do they need a healthy self esteem to try and get themselves into a good place again. If they feel ugly as well as fat that’s not really likely to happen x

It would be nice if people would remember that plus size is not a synonym for fat.

There really are some tall people who are "plus size" at normal weight, in the same way that there are some short adults who can still buy their clothes from the children's department.

Being obese doesn't make you inactive. I have a belly hanging out and a BMI of 30. It doesn't stop me seimming ,going to the gym or doing long walks.

Swimming

Swimming is great. I went swimming at all sizes, from a BMI of 35, to BMI of 24, which is what I am now.
I am much fitter now at a lower BMI than I was at my highest, obese BMI though, I cope much better with the heatwave than I did last year, even at just one stone heavier then, I had a painful knee injury which has cleared up. I would have said I was fit and healthy last summer but I feel so much better now, and thats just moving from overweight to normal weight category.
Of course self esteem is very important, one of the things I did when I first started losing weight was buy myself a couple of nice cheap outfits and pay more attention to my appearance, it did help to feel that I could look nice even though I was still big. I don't think we should ever deny reality though which is that being overweight/obese is a risk factor in itself, especially as we get older.