AIBU to say that big is NOT beautiful!

[SummerSummerSummer]

So, I'm not expecting the MN community to take this statement well (or who knows), but I have come to the conclusion that the whole 'Big is Beautiful' stuff is complete nonsense! Big (I'm talking overweight here) is unhealthy, unattractive, and normal healthy weight is what we should all aim for.

Pre-DC, ten years ago, I was of normal weight, attractive and full of energy. I would cycle to work (in London), go running, rollerblading and do yoga classes. Whatever clothes I wanted to wear, I did with no problems. Everything looked great.

Children happened and the sleep deprivation, lack of me-time and the general exhaustion made me seek comfort in food and I gained a lot of weight. I would eat chocolate secretly behind my family's back to reward myself for something or to celebrate a moment or whatever reason really.

A few days ago I saw pictures taken of me on a family holiday and I can't fake it anymore. I look awful! My belly looks like I'm 6 months pregnant, my thighs are full of cellulite and my bum is enormous (however fashionable it might be at the moment). And I don't look good either. I hate getting into a swimming costume for everyone to see me, I cannot find any nice clothes to fit me and I'm so unfit!

It's easier to tell yourself in the winter that you're not really that big when you can wrap yourself in big jumpers, coats and scarves. You can do your hair and make up and kind of look ok. But in this heat there's no hiding from it, and no amount of make up or time spent on hair can fake you a healthy looking figure. And I hate the way I have to pull my t-shirts down over my belly instead of tucking them in like it's fashionable at the moment! And any leggings, tights or bottoms with elasticated waist always roll under my belly rather than stay up where they're supposed to be! Let alone the fact that this is now my preferred wardrobe due to jeans and smarter trousers feeling really uncomfortable! And tops! Spagetti top is a no, sleeveless top is a no, t-shirt is a maybe if it's the loose kind because of big wobbly arms!

So the reasons I'm saying big is not beautiful are:

1. Being overweight is unhealthy and puts you in risk of all kinds of illnesses (such as diabetes which I worry about)
2. You are constantly fixated on food and treats. What you are going to eat next, when can you eat it, how can you hide it from everyone else etc..

3.Nothing fits you nicely. You can not participate in the fashion scene.

1. You get out of breath so easily. Even going upstairs becomes a nuisance let alone having a game of football or tag with your children!
2. Telling lies to yourself is not healthy for you mentally. Healthy body, healthy mind.
3. Not wanting to appear in photographs. Editing yourself out of family photos which is super sad.

Sure genetics play a part, and luck. I'd love to live the lifestyle with a personal trainer and chef. Night nanny too would help. Would make it all a lot easier.

But the genetics and luck is a small part of it. All the information is out there. Choose to follow it or not.

You don't need to join a slimming club although some like the group aspect of it and obligation of a weekly weigh in. Ultimately, the profits of those companies need you to not be able to maintain your weight loss without their help. Big business.

@Klolubchar are you serious when saying that what happens to our bodies when we eat certain kinds of food is down to luck or genetics? Really? I think that is the biggest self-deception statement of all time! If you eat a healthy low calorie diet full of nutrients you are saying that you might still be fat? What is it that you eat that makes you fat? I've told everyone what's made me fat. Eating chocolates, sweets, ice cream, loading my 'healthy' muesli and porridge breakfasts with sugar. Having bigger helpings at meal times than my 6ft husband and I'm only 5ft 4! Driving everywhere, not exercising, snacking on cheese whilst cooking my kid's meals etc etc.. I thought I would get away with it. I can't. I'm not shaming or being awful to anyone. Not once said big people are worthy of love, respect and admiration. But what I am saying is that lying to yourself is not a good road to be on whatever the matter, trust me I've lied to myself for a decade! And I do think this big is beautiful mantra is a collective lie we should not be repeating. Body positivity is good. Accepting overweight or obese is not. It justifies our bad habits and tries to normalise them.

I typed too quickly.. I have never said that big people or any other human being is not worthy of love, respect or admiration whatever their size, shape or state of health. I loved my mom when she was very overweight. I loved her when she lost it all. I still loved her when she was skinny and dying from an illness. And she remained beautiful throughout. I'm not questioning anyone's worth here. Just fed up with this slogan/movement of denial that is being fed to us.

@gonewiththepotter, of course it’s fat shaming. As you point out, we all know why we gain weight and that it’s not healthy. Nobody needs the nasty girls on MN to state the bleedin obvious. What none of this takes into account is the psychological and emotional factors relating to weight. I’d recommend Suzy Orbach’s Fat is a Feminist Issue, it might be old but it’s very valid.

I don’t think big is beautiful at all, especially in the summer. I have a chronic illness which has contributed to me putting on a lot of extra weight but I’m trying to lose it, I am currently doing the 8/16 ‘diet’, which is slow going but is more a lifestyle change than a temporary diet. I have massive boobs and thighs and feel so embarrassed wearing anything ‘summery’ so keep covered up, I hate catching sight of myself in a mirror and clothes shopping is an ordeal. It’s just not practical to be fat.

No, I’m not saying what we put in our mouths doesn’t affect our weight, far from it. It clearly does and you’re right, to deny otherwise would be delusion. It’s very complex. But if we all ate the same foods and did the same amount of exercise, we wouldn’t all be the same size or anything remotely like it.

I’m fat because I ate too much, I’m not deluding myself otherwise. But for a lot of people, weight loss and weight management is a complex set of problems which are both physical and mental.

But I reiterate, I am fat because I ate too much. Please don’t think I am deluding myself otherwise and a big round of applause for all of you who have worked hard not to do that or just by accident of genetics can eat what I cannot without gaining weight.

Big isn’t beautiful or ugly Thin isn’t beautiful or ugly. If you are overweight and unhealthy that is bad and if you are thin and unhealthy that is bad. We keep defining things by using the word beautiful. We should be using the word healthy.

I wish you best of luck finding happiness and self-esteem, OP. Sincerely hope it all works out for you.

OP, if you're not being goady then why didn't you post your last two posts instead of the twaddle you posted in your first? You have no call to speak about anybody else's body, you really don't.

@Alsohuman

There’s a huge psychological and emotional element of drug and alcohol abuse too- but nobody tries to claim it’s not a problem- or claims ‘shaming’ for pointing out its unhealthy.

If a loved one abuses drugs or alcohol it’s ok to say ‘you need help- we want to help you’ but to say that to somebody who is obese... is unacceptable and ‘shaming’ 🤔

@Klolubchar of course we would all look different if given the same food and amount of exercise. We are all built differently with different heights, widths of shoulders, hips etc.. Just look at people in the army. They are not clones, but individuals. All fit and healthy though due to good food and a lot of exercise. I'm already in my 40s so it's not going to be easy for me to loose this weight. I might even fail and go back to my old ways. Who knows.

OP you sound like you’re already doing amazingly well!! Well bloody done. I like to think of every day as an opportunity. Sounds like you’re doing the same.
My tips, if you’re interested, are to have smaller portions than my 6’2 husband. Avoid snacking!! It’s the devil’s work!!
I actually started logging all my food on MyFitnessPal which was a bit of a drag at first but it’s much quicker now my usual meals are saved. I was amazed! I thought I ate a fairly low carb diet generally. I didn’t! I didn’t realise my snacking was adding 300-400 calories a day!! It really helped me anyway. But whatever approach you take, just stick at it. Every day. The alternative is shit. And if you do have an off day, don’t beat yourself up. That leads to guilt and emotional eating. Just start afresh and stay positive. I absolutely have faith you’ll crack this!!!

I agree, and I too am overweight.

Just because you self loathe , doesn’t mean everyone who is overweight does. Go and see somebody about your issues. You may say big is not beautiful, but neither is your attitude. I love myself and will wear Spaghetti straps because I don’t give a fuck what other people think. If they don’t like what they see then they can look the other way. There will always be people like you judging, thinking and saying snarky things. Ronald Dahl once said that if you have nice thoughts and think well of others then that will shine out of your face. Being overweight yourself does not give you the right to be bitchy and generalise about others. HTH

urbanlife

Why the hell don’t you stop boring us all to death with a view that is out of date. No one needs to be beautiful anymore hun, we need to be bright and switched on now. Killer career and a sterling leader.

Agree with your basic point but .... good health really mustn’t be taken for granted.
I was very thin pre-kids, without trying. Gained masses of weight after having two at nearly 30 then nearly 40. My goodness, the difference I felt in well-being, as a fat 40 year old with bad knees, back problems, high blood pressure and a young baby to look after was enormous.
We can be intelligent, successful, inspirational leaders, but we can’t cheat ill-health. I worry very hard for Emily Thornberry, for example. Can’t abide her politics but she’s without doubt a brilliant woman. I worry every time I see her and notice her swollen ankles and the high colour, not good signs. I was pleased to hear about her bike incident the other day: that sounds awful! I hope she’s making an excellent recovery, but I immediately thought thank goodness she’s exercising now.
I tried very hard, made big life changes after cancer and surgery a few years ago. Now at 56, I’m slim, fit, exercise daily, blood pressure of a 25 year old, low cholesterol, no joint problems and plans for a very long life.
It doesn’t matter how great you are, ill
health will almost certainly catch up with you if you’re seriously overweight. It’s not rocket science, it’s biology and chemistry and It’s just not worth the risk.
Beauty has got absolutely bugger all to do with it. (Some of the most physically beautiful people I’ve met are fat: facially, have to say personally I think it’s a very rare human body indeed that is a joy to behold naked, male or female).

SummerSummerSummer
At first I thought you were going to be unsympathetic to overweighters who struggle. But you are not. You are a really honest, down to earth and straight-talking woman. I admire you. I too yearn for those earlier days when I was so active and carried no flubber. I have to struggle now to get enough exercise as, being disabled, it's difficult to move around.

But what you said is very motivating and wonderfully honest. I think my only concern is that you are feeling unhappy about how you are now and I don't want you to let it get you down. The family life, raising children is very worthwhile and the most important job in the world, so sacrifice your figure a bit for it. Now's the time to start a regime of healthy eating (Slimming World is good) and getting regular exercise. Don't keep looking for immediate results, be patient and be kind to yourself.

Thanks for your motivating post. You have given me a push to get on with some healthier living. Good luck to you and all in the same situation!

Crummyfunnymummy

Great post! Brilliant!

You do you,but I like them bigger. The bigger the better in fact.
DH is 9.35 inches in length and 5.15 in girth, let me tell you it feels beeeyoootiful!

I kind of see what you mean OP. Pre dd, i was sitting at an 18-20, and was happy with the way I looked, i was fairly fit, and all in proportion. Fast forward 6 years, I am now a size 22-24, and i hate my body. Its flabby, saggy, and i feel unfit and unattractive. My DP tells me all the time how beautiful I am, but I don't feel it. I am trying to lose weight as I constantly worry about having a heart attack and leaving my dd motherless. So i guess that yes, big CAN be beautiful, if you feel healthy and good about yourself.

agree with gonewiththepotter.

No glamorising of drug addiction is there? Or smoking?

But if we all ate the same foods and did the same amount of exercise, we wouldn't all be the same size or anything remotely like it
I disagree with this point actually, having grown up in the 'pre obesity epidemic' years, there was little variation in sizes (most fashion shops only sold 3 sizes) and fewer extremes at both ends of the scale. Of course there was slight variation in proportions, some women would have smaller waists, some would have bigger busts, but these differences were not that noticeable.

Wow. Your issues are your own, but as a 'big' person I can say that I'll happily run up and down the stairs, run, play cricket, cycle, and anything else I fancy. As long as I buy clothes in my size they fit well, and I'm pretty certain I look vaguely ok as I still get chatted up if I'm out alone. Also my husband has managed to stay with me, despite how disgusting I obviously appear.

Oh and for additional info, I'm late 20s, dress size 16, diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure. They run in the family though. The high BP killed my skinny mum in her early 30s. Not a scrap of flab on her but that didn't save her. So I try my best not to blame myself.

Well, thanks it's hardly a revolutionary thought is it? Our culture is hugely fatphobic and society constantly tells people they're fat, unattractive, unhealthy etc. If that was a message that helped people lose weight we wouldn't see so many fat people!
I am done with all this shaming, actually you can wear nice clothes, be sexy, be very healthy and also be fat. Fact. Add to this that nearly all diets fail long term and it's healthier to just improve your habits (in terms of health not weight) and focus on your good points.
Read Laura Thomas 'Just Eat It'

@Lovelymonkeyninetynine

You can wear nice clothes, be sexy, be very healthy and also be fat.

Sorry, but in the vast, vast majority of cases if you’re fat you’re not healthy.