To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

It's really not that hard to be kind.

Maybe everyone isnt like that. But if I can do something simple, to make someone happy (especially a child I am related to), I would do it.

Clearly, most mners think getting one over on mil and putting her in her place, is more important.

I went to the supermarket last year and saw a marvel jumper. I got DS one. It was £8. I knew my nephew, 2 years younger would love it. So I got him one. I dont like sil, she is awful. But I knew my nephew would want one.

Couldnt be arsed being pretty or escalate a situation just because it would put mil in her place.

Women are really weird at times about what clothes kids wear. Creating and cultivating drama where no drama exists. As if working and raising kids isn’t hard enough already. DH’s find this kid of shit utterly exasperating.

They're not the only ones.

Ignore.

Try to match your clothes to theirs colour wise next time. Subtle matching. Include dh if you can. All wearing blue and green, for instance.

She does indeed need to wind her neck in. Children with the same parents inevitably end up with some similarity in clothes. I buy a T-shirt for each of my DCs whenever I travel for work, and when I took them to the dentist last week I noticed that 4 of my 5 DCs were, by chance, wearing T-shirts with (different) place names. My DD1 had a plain striped T-shirt and did not say anything about feeling left out.

But the bottom line is that your DCs can wear what they want and if your MIL doesn’t like it she doesn’t have to see you all.

brass no. The OP is responsible for ensuring that her DC are empathetic to others, and maybe even kind to a little boy who might be feeling a bit lonely and left out. But they won't ever be that as the OP herself appears to be incapable of that empathy. As are you, and others on this thread. And there is no list.

To all the posters saying, "poor nephew.....you are being unreasonable" etc...

Parents who tend to make unreasonable ridiculous requests at school (with the mentality that their child is a precious prince/princess and more important than anyone else in the class) ALWAYS have the children who have ZERO resilience. Coincidence? I doubt it!

At 4 years old your nephew (presuming he doesn't have SEN) should be more than capable of understanding that his cousins are brothers and therefore have some matching clothing items.

I'm honestly aghast at some of the responses on here. If my son had told me he felt "left out" due to his cousins clothing we'd have a chat about it and I'd help him to put it into perspective as essentially that's my role as his mother. It's NOT my role to go moaning to other family members about how they choose to dress their children.

It all kindness to the 4 year old but not to the 2 year old who wants to be like his big brother. So the 4 year olds feelings trump those of the 5 and 2 year old. Gotcha makes perfect sense.

If it were my 4 year old I would have reassured them it was nothing to feel left out about and just clothes which he has choices about also and distract him with his own special outfits. I wouldn't try to dictate what other children wore. Only a trouble maker would do something like that as it's pretty easy to divert a 4 year old.

It's not about oh poor nephew.

Its not about agreeing with the mil. Why would encourage someone (as posters here have done) to escalate this even more when you know it bothers a small child. All just to piss off your mother in law.

You may secretly think 'god nephews parents need to get a grip and teach him xyx'

But why would you got buy 4 matching outfits? Escalate it, spend money on it, so you can upset the child more all just so you piss mil off?

That's petty

Also, I wouldn't say anything to your children and carry on allowing them to wear whatever they like, and not even acknowledge the text in response or in face when you see them. My girl frequently plays with my friends three (2 boys and a girl) who always match. She finds it easier with their squabbling. My girl has never ever pointed out or had an issue with her not matching.

And I agree with whoever said that they doubt the 4 year old even noticed. It sounds very much like crap from the MIL and SIL using a small boy to act like twats.

I'd be embarrassed telling someone they had to change how their kids dressed because my kid couldn't cope.

Lol do not respond

“And I agree with whoever said that they doubt the 4 year old even noticed. ”

My dd did.

I love my kids in matching clothes, but I wouldn’t want to upset a 4yo. I’d first check if the 4yo was upset though! I’d happily buy a niece or nephew something matchy too if they were upset.

I would ask your DH to handle a response as it's his mum op

It’s I tweeting that people always complain when a mil only communicates with her son, but also always advise that the most trivial of matters is passed on to the dp to deal with as it’s his mum.

Given some of the parents its not surprising that some kids lack resilience or make an issue out of something that isn't. The parents only have themselves to blame for that.

No idea what I meant by “tweeting”. Interesting? Strange? Noticeable? Any of those will do!

@BertrandRussell

My kids don’t get everything they want

But I find it strange a four year old who doesn’t live with me is dictating what happens in my house

But I find it strange a four year old who doesn’t live with me is dictating what happens in my house

good thing that's not what's happening, then, isn't it, OP?

There is a monumental lack of compassion on this thread which is very sad.

I also find the comments on the little boy should toughen up odd. He's only four, if he feels excluded then personally I'd teach my own kids to have some empathy, not use it as a lesson to say fuck you, man up.

I also find the ops comments strange, that a four year old is dictating what happens on her house?

Total lack of empathy. It's not anything like buying a new football kit. It's about making a small child feel included with no cost involved, and teaching your own children about inclusion.

I guess there are two camps. One camp who says include the child and have empathy and the other camp who says use it as a lesson to teach the child to know what it feels like to be excluded.

Seems the op is relishing being in that camp.

Will you be able to cope with the sadness?

I don't think you should upset your 2 year old just because someone else can't explain to their own child that they can't always have what they want. You're essentially being dictated to by a 4 year old! It's insane! It's not your responsibility to buy the other child clothes and I can't understand why people would suggest it. The chances are your SIL has no idea what has been said and the child probably isn't even bothered.

Just dress them the same and deny receiving the text