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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to wind her neck in

553 replies

senorasenora · 24/07/2019 11:30

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Her0utdoors · 24/07/2019 16:10

So MIL is having a round about dig at bil and sil audacity to produce more than one child on their side? She wants you to feel guilty for having two when her other child has produced an lonely only?

EL8888 · 24/07/2019 16:12

If that’s all the 4 year old has to feel put out about then he’s doing well. He needs to learn you don’t get always get what you want and people might do things he won’t be involved in. This is being over thought and the nephews complaints are being fed into too much

ILoveYou3000 · 24/07/2019 16:12

Can you teach a 2 year old empathy? Do they even have the capacity for it at that age? Because it's a 2 year old who wants to wear the same as his big brother. Either way one young child ends up upset, if the nephew is upset by it. We don't even know he is.

And it's an easy problem for his parents to solve. A text to OP or her husband on a Sunday, 'what are the boys wearing today?' OP replies 'red t-shirt and shorts'. BiL and SiL then dress their son in a red T-shirt. Job done.

BertrandRussell · 24/07/2019 16:19

“But I find it strange a four year old who doesn’t live with me is dictating what happens in my house”

He isn’t. Something you are doing is completely inadvertently upsetting a 4 year old. Nobody is intending this to happen- but why on earth would you carry on doing it if you could easily not? I wish I had mentioned to my sil how upset my dd felt about this- we could have got all three of them matching outfits.

Howyiz · 24/07/2019 16:20

Why does the 4 year old trump the 2 year old.
If mil or sil are that concerned about the child not being upset the normal thing to do would be to ask if they can buy the same tops/outfits rather than forbid the OP's kids from wearing clothes they like.
Lots of bonkers people on this thread!

thedayofthethreeMagnums · 24/07/2019 16:20

There's empathy and there's being unreasonable.

The grand-mother should treat all the children in exactly the same way.

One family shouldn't have to change their own ways - where does it stop? Little nephew will get upset if he hears his cousins go to Disney, if he hears his cousins got more presents?

Don't give your kids a treat in front of him and ignore him, but don't change what they wear or do, it's silly.

ysmaem · 24/07/2019 16:20

Ignore your MIL and reach out to your BIL and his wife and ask them directly if there's an issue. If not then you know MIL is just being a boring bitch and continue as you were but if your 4 year old nephew really is upset about being left out then maybe get the 3 of them matching shirts? That would absolutely make that little boys day.

Howyiz · 24/07/2019 16:21

Bertrand Russell why should the 2 year old lose out?

Bluntness100 · 24/07/2019 16:23

I'm not sure you can teach a two year old empathy, but you can teach a five year old.

The point is you can either teach your kids about kindness, inclusion, not wanting others to feel left out etc, or you can teach your kids that only they matter, and if another kid is hurt or sad, then that's ok.

Personally if this was me, I'd talk to my kids and say cousin billy feels a little sad he can't dress the same as you both. We don't want him to be sad, so why don't we dress the same another day so he feels included as he is your friend, and you wouldn't want him to do something that made you sad.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 16:25

I'm sure the four year old, being an only child, is quite possibly going to get things and opportunities that his two cousins will not, and they'll be the ones who are feeling envious. Would OP then be entitled to turn around and say to MIL, 'MIL, please tell SIL that it upsets my children and makes them feel left out when he goes to Disneyland and they are not, so could they please not do that?'

I'm sure MIL and SIL would find that utterly ridiculous. Life is made up of swings and merry go rounds. And we have to learn (and at four they should be well on the way to learning) that sometimes things aren't exactly to your liking, for whatever reason, and you have to find a way to deal with it - if people are doing something they're perfectly reasonably doing, without the intention of being arseholes, even if it makes you feel less than positive.

Maybe DIL could encourage her four year old to come up with his own special unique Sunday outfit. . . celebrating his individuality.

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 16:27

Mbosnz you would think that would be the sensible thing to do but no the only solution seems to involve stopping the other 2 kids from doing what they want. It's very odd but life must revolve around the nephew at all costs.

NKFell · 24/07/2019 16:28

Ah another MIL bashing thread.

I dread my children getting married.

Pinktinker · 24/07/2019 16:28

YANBU, she’s bonkers.

transformandriseup · 24/07/2019 16:30

I would send the link to MIL so she can buy a third outfit if she chooses.

I feel like MIL worded it wrong and she could have told OP her other grandson liked the T-Shirt and would she mind if he had one too so they can be the same when they all come to dinner.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 16:31

Um, definitely not bashing the MIL - although perplexed why anyone would think this was a situation in which a MIL should get involved. But definitely would not pander to the MIL and SIL. Do get the feeling that it could be the tip of a very steep and slippery slope, lol.

Original poster
senorasenora · 24/07/2019 16:34

@NKFell

I don’t think I’m bashing my MIL. If you RTFT you’ll see that I get on with her. I’m just a bit puzzled as to why my boys can’t choose to put the same clothes on.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 24/07/2019 16:35

“Why does the 4 year old trump the 2 year old.”

You could say why should the 2 year old trump the 4 year old!
I would buy 3 t shirts, dress my two in theirs and then present my nephew with his when we got there. That would be fun.

LilQueenie · 24/07/2019 16:38

If the boys lost a tooth would he rip out one of the nephews to make him feel included. Hmm let the boys choose what to wear.

HopelessLayout · 24/07/2019 16:39

I would buy 3 t shirts, dress my two in theirs and then present my nephew with his when we got there. That would be fun

So OP has to buy an extra shirt every time she buys matching ones for her sons? That doesn't seem right either.

The 4yo will have to learn that if he is an only child he is going to miss out on quite a lot of things. He might as well start learning that now.

JassyRadlett · 24/07/2019 16:40

You could say why should the 2 year old trump the 4 year old!

Isn’t that the point? It’s not a case of ‘don’t do this and no one is upset’. OP has already negotiated her two year old down to weekends only. Someone is going to be upset. It’s a question of who, and how it’s handled.

I would buy 3 t shirts, dress my two in theirs and then present my nephew with his when we got there. That would be fun.

OP has already said she can’t really afford this.

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 16:42

I certainly wouldn't be buying clothes for the nephew. That's his parents job.

Original poster
senorasenora · 24/07/2019 16:43

@BertrandRussell

I’m inclined not to do this. I can’t afford to be buying a third outfit. I’m also not sure where this stops. The boys won’t be dressed the same every week to be honest (I don’t think I can manage my washing pile effectively enough.)

OP posts:
brassbrass · 24/07/2019 16:44

If the boys lost a tooth would he rip out one of the nephews to make him feel included

I think some people on this thread would think that was reasonable Grin

BertrandRussell · 24/07/2019 16:45

Ok. So someone has to learn a lesson.

  1. If something we do upsets someone else, then it’s a good idea to have a think about how we can avoid that.
  2. If something upsets us, it’s no point talking about it because people aren’t going to do anything about it.
Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 16:45

OP "I’m just a bit puzzled as to why my boys can’t choose to put the same clothes on."

Of course they can wear the same clothes but if you really are puzzled why this might upset your nephew then you really cannot put yourself in someone else's shoes.

In a relatively short time your sons will not want to dress alike (I think that will be the case) and you have presumably numerous days each week to dress them alike without anyone being upset.

Yet you seem willing to risk relationships between you, your Mil (who you like), your SIL and your kids and their cousin when you could be kind and compassionate. Keep the same clothes for non cousin days or buy a new matching set for nephew.

I had am only child for 9 years. It was not easy.

There's a saying, if you can be anything, be kind.

Good luck OP Flowers