To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

Anybody with a brain would have asked the MIL what was going on, how she knew that the child felt left out and dealt with it accordingly, no need to rush on to MN with a half baked tale.

Stop going for dinner in a Sunday. Tell her you no longer feel welcome as your DS's cannot dress the way they want.

Yes, this is an amazing idea - escalate a polite request from your mother in law into the realms of absolute lunacy and compromise your sons’ and husbands’ relationships with her while you’re at it. This is absolutely how reasonable people behave.

it's worth teaching our kids that they don't have to always 'be nice', that what they want matters too

If what they want is entirely trivial but causes hurt and upset to another person, I would absolutely want to teach them that that is wrong. Otherwise you're just raising a spoilt brat.

I’m not sure if I’ve been clear that they’ve dressed the same on two maybe three occasions because my younger son thinks it’s cool and my older son is incredibly biddable.

I won’t be buying three of things. I simply don’t have the money to be buying for another child. I do feel like my SIL is involved in this.

I get on with MIL but I’m not as close to her as SIL. There’s no backstory to this other than my SIL is not close to her own parents so has developed a stronger relationship with MIL. I’m definitely not the DIL from hell as some people have suggested - or at least I don’t think I am

I can see the thread is divided and of course I would never want to hurt a child but i feel a bit irked that my own kids can’t have fun on a Sunday morning dressing themselves matching because their cousin doesn’t like it. Selfish of me? Probably

Can you not all just go in matching Christmas jumpers/onesies to really put the cat amongst the pigeons?

If what they want is entirely trivial but causes hurt and upset to another person

Well, see, I think wanting to control what other people wear and being hurt and upset because they won't allow it, if enabled, is far more likely to raise a spoiled brat.

I wouldn't allow my kids to try and control this sort of thing in other kids regardless of how hurt and upset they might be about it, it's entirely inappropriate. I'm not going to pander to it in other people's kids, because I think it's entirely inappropriate.

Just like my kids learned that on their birthday they get the presents, and on their siblings birthday they get the presents, and no you don't get one just because you might feel hurt and left out.

I'd just be calling SIL and asking her directly if her son is unhappy that he isn't wearing matchy clothes with your 2 boys, because I'm almost certain that this is nothing to do with him at all.

But if it is true, then it wouldn't be the end of the world to let your SIL know what the boys are wearing - if her DS wants to match up then why not?

I rarely dress mine the same - except when we go on long haul flights and then they have a silly sort of matching "flight wear" thing, that started accidentally but has actually been quite useful.

But occasionally they dress in pretty similar clothes - there are 5 years between them - just because they have similar tastes and have similar clothes. I remember us all going on a day out once and realising with slight horror that we were all dressed in olive green shorts! Total accident - but didn't really care, just had a laugh about it.

You still haven’t said how MIL knows about this?

By all means sit down with nephew and talk to him about his feelings and explain that noone is leaving them out and it's just outfits. But being left out is a very real and painful experience (I assume you've never been bullied) and very different from expecting presents or always wanting to be the centre of attention.

I'd ask my mother in law if something has been said and I'd talk to my sister in law about it.

Everyone always advocates starting world war three on here and being as rude as possible.

Just speak to them both. Ask what the issue is. Explain your kids want to dress the same, which for the record is really cringey for others. I'm not sure if believe you had no say in thr matter.

Such an interesting thread.

Starting with why is the MIL writing to her DIL (not a blood relation) instead of to her own DS about what his DC are wearing? Why is what children wear the mother's responsibility?
If this is coming from the MIL because she thinks that, say, identically dressed children is weird, or projecting onto the cousin that he's feeling left out - I'd be inclined (as the DIL) to ignore it or (as the DS) to say: they pick their own clothes. I'll talk to my DB.

If I were the OP I'd have probably ignored the MILs message and asked SIL if there's a problem. Depending on her reply, and tone, I'd say something like: sorry, my DCs love doing this, it's not every time, let's try to be inclusive of cousin in another way? or oh, my DCs love doing this, do you think your DS would like to join in - let's coordinate an outfit, the photos would be great. (and even: oh the DCs love doing this - how about we ALL coordinate one day the photos will be great) as will the look on MILs face when we turn up

Yep, sad for the cousin if he feels left out, therefore he needs to be included in other ways. Yep, sad to stop the brothers having a bit of dressing up fun to please the younger one (they'll grow out of it soon enough if my DCs are any guide. It will soon turn to "muuuuuummmmmmm stop him breathing so louddddd")

How about the fathers (the MILs sons) discuss it and leave the mums out of it? It's their mother, after all.

I would ignore any pressure to alter the way my DC chose to dress.

Fuck me. If my four-year-old was upset about this kind of stuff then I’d make some sympathetic noises then tell him to get on with his Lego or whatever.

Kids get upset about all kinds of shit. It’s the adult’s job to ensure that they grow up with a realistic view of life. Not having the power to tell others how to dress because it causes them mild upset is something that they need to learn to suck the fuck up.

You seem like a nice person OP, matching outfits are not for me personally but this all seems very odd to me ... I wouldn't say anything, just let them wear their matchy stuff on Saturday and go for the easy life on a Sunday!!

The nephew sounds spoilt

@NoSauce

I don’t know how she knows. I’ve passed it to my DH. I said in my last post that I’d take a guess that my SIL is involved.

By all means sit down with nephew and talk to him about his feelings and explain that noone is leaving them out and it's just outfits.

This is not the OP's responsibility. Nephew's parents should be managing his emotions and teaching him it's ok and doesn't mean he's being left out. Not trying to change the world to accommodate their fragile DC!

(I assume you've never been bullied)

That would be an erroneous assumption.

Are you saying that it is bullying to allow your kids to wear what they want, because another kid doesn't want them to?

It's not done with the purpose to upset the child. If it were (haha, it really pisses Freddy off when we dress the same, lets), then yes, that would be bullying. And my kids wouldn't be allowed to do it.

I think few people haven't felt the pain of feeling left out, or not a part of something. Yes, it is painful. However, it is the way of it. Is the next thing going to be that little Freddy's mother is on the phone to little Sam's mother, outraged that Freddy was not invited to Sam's party - to which only four children were invited? And now Freddy is devastated over that?

Oh, good grief. Your nephew's going to have to toughen up, I'm afraid. What a ridiculous fuss about nothing! If you haven't heard him crying/complaining about it, I suspect it's not even bothering him that much.

Maybe I'd make an extra effort with him next time. Positive, interested comments on what he's wearing or the toy he's playing with, etc. Just be sure you're projecting a caring attitude toward him, in general, if he seems to be feeling subdued or left out. I wouldn't, however, feel obligated to change what my children wore to suit him (or MIL or SIL).

I think it's sweet he wants to be the same.

I would ignore and carry on as you were. Show DH the text - or call BIL/SIL and ask them outright? If nephew wants to be the same - tell BIL/SIL what tops they have and they can buy their own to match your 2 boys if THEY want - I cant see how this is any of MIL's business - does she have a tendency to shout orders at everyone?

Buy three matching cheap (t shirt and short) outfits at the supermarket or primark and give one to the other boy. If it is him who is upset then hell be really chuffed to have it. And if its MIL who is passed off about it then shell be even more pissed off....

My reply would be "no I'm not going to stop them dressing alike because it's something they choose for themselves and really enjoy. I also think it would be a good opportunity to teach nephew that you can't always have what you want".

I mean it takes an awful lot of shit stirring to whinge to MIL and then to get her to message OP with the stupid request. Would have been more sensible to nip it in the bud as soon as nephew said anything and not involve everyone else but seems doubtful that this is really coming from the nephew anyway.

Passed it on to DH? What a fuss over nothing.

I've got splinters in my arse from sitting on the fence.

I get that the 2 year old wants to dress like his older brother, and that 5 year old is fine with it, even enjoys it. So yes, they should be able to wear what they want and it's no-one else's business.

On the other hand, this could be much more than the cousin 'not liking' it. He may well feel that it's a way of excluding him and showing him that he's the outsider, even if that isn't the intention. He's only 4, he hasn't got the hang of separating actions from intentions yet. And if he really is feeling that way, it could end up with him and his parents being the ones who don't go for Sunday lunch any more.

I can only suggest talking to the SiL. If it's not come from her, you can laugh about it. If it has though, be prepared for a slightly difficult conversation.

You could suggest to mil that she buy a set of 3 matching outfits to keep at hers, they could all have fun changing into them when they visit.