To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

I’m wondering how the snowflake cousin will be able to stand it when OP’s sons go on holiday without him, if he hasn’t grasped the distinction between brothers and cousins

I’m wondering if you’re just a goady person Hmm.

Actually, , on reflection, anyone who’d call a sad 4 year old a snowflake is capable of anything

Absolutely. A clear indicator that someone is a raving psychopath, who clearly has many bodies hidden under the garden patio. . . and possibly starting a nuclear holocaust on Friday. While releasing nerve gas into the tube station on Saturday.

Why is the SIL causing trouble?

Op said she thought it was the sil stirring

Meh I take what the OP says with a pinch of salt.

t's a 2 year old who will be left upset by being told "no you can't wear the same as your brother". Also at 2, he won't have the capacity to understand why.

This is illogical. If he has th capacity at two to say he wishes to wear thhim same as his brother, and he upset if told no, he has the capacity to understand his cousin wants to too.

And there is no reason for him to be upset. If it's explained properly about his cousin being sad, and not having the same clothes to wear, just like he gets sad and how he doesn't want his cousin to be sad, then there is no reason this child shouldn't understand.

This is where it's about teaching your own kids about kindness. Not just saying no. It's about talking to them and helping them understand in words they get. If this child has th capacity to articulate what he wants to wear, that he wishes to dress the same as his brother, and to understand he can only do it at weekends, then he has the capacity to understand why his cousin would be upset and how he can help his cousin not feel left out.

Instead they will wear what the op pleases, if the kid is upset, then that's tough, as long as her kids are happy, and the sister and mother in law will not understand why they have chosen to do this, when it's in their gift not to and is beneficial to all th kids,

Hopefully the op won't articulate to them she thinks her nephew needs to toughen up and her sister in law should teach him resilience. 😱

Given that in her very first post the Op says after the text from MIL asking with wide eyed innocence what she should do but then seconds later says she’s tempted to dress them the same all the time.

It’s the OP that’s the shit stirrer here.

Op I'm with you. I think you did what you could do - why stop your children doing what they want to, and offering to SIL that he could wear similar clothes is probably the best of both worlds. You can't go and buy extra outfits or make sure your SIL knows exactly what matching outfits they have all the time, it starts to get a bit mad!

BertrandRussell, i’ve experienced your disgusting rudeness before so nothing surprises me any longer

Maybe take a step back--MIL is saying that the nephew's feelings are hurt.

Surely it isn't that complicated not to hurt nephew's feelings.

Bluntness a two year old does not have have capacity for empathy. At that age they are impulsive, selfish little beings who want their needs and wants met and don't understand how their actions or wants impact on other people.

So, not it's not illogical. A two year old being told no is more than likely unable to understand why they're being told no and at that age they don't have the ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes. That skill comes later when they're ready developmentally to understand empathy.

mammaries you’ve got a cheek calling another post rude. Your post was vile. You can bet your bottom dollar this little boy knows exactly the difference between brothers and a cousin. Every only child does. You know, those ‘spoilt’, ‘indulged’, ‘snowflake’ only children.

Of course she isn’t. But there is something really simple she can do that will help him to feel better. Why the fuck wouldn’t she do that?

But why should the OPs 2 year old be upset just so his cousin isn't upset? Is everyone seriously saying that the OPs child should be put below his cousin's wants/needs. I mean so long as a four year old is happy then who cares about OPs.

It would have been far more productive if the SIL and MIL had actually had a conversation about the whole thing. It seems unfair that the compromise has to be all one way. If it had been me I'd be ringing my SIL and saying DS is a bit upset he can't dress like his cousins, could we get a couple of things so they can all match occasionally. Then I'd talk to my kid and explain he can't always match his cousins and sometimes it's good not to.

*Ok. So someone has to learn a lesson.

1. If something we do upsets someone else, then it’s a good idea to have a think about how we can avoid that.*

2. If something upsets us, it’s no point talking about it because people aren’t going to do anything about it.

Is there no third option where the parents of the child concerned deal with it? Either by explaining that it's unreasonable to expect other people to put their own preferences aside in order to indulge us but we can get a special 'number one cousin' t-shirt to wear instead, or that the cousin's parents buy three t-shirts so that they can all match without it being the OPs responsibility to manage everyone's emotions?

I have struggled to balance teaching my children to be kind without bringing them up to give way to others at their own expense and in this situation I think it is unreasonable to deny my children a simple pleasure to placate a child whose own parents seem to be taking a more pragmatic approach.

If the cousins parents were that bothered, surely they could have asked where their t-shirts came from and buy one, but they didn't. I wonder why not.

You know you've hit real snowflake territory when you're saying a 2 year old should understand more than the 4 year old 🤣

There’s a certain type of person that uses the term snowflake, better not say what exactly as I’ll end up banned

Charity there aren't any alternatives to everyone bowing down to the snowflake nephew. That's the only acceptable solution which also includes OP buying outfits for him.

I find it interesting that DH's response was far more blunt than OP's. Possibly because he knows his mother!!

@NoSauce

I agree its op

Just checking- do most people think it’s OK to call a sad 4 year old a snowflake? Adult human beings?

I bet the nephew has just pipped up once "I wanted to wear the same tshirt" and forgot all about it immediately. It's MIL and MN posters who are turning it into a big drama.

So I am not sure the snowflake term applies in this case.

Bertrand, calm down dear, its not your dd being ostracised and picked on.

This isn't your fight now.

This is a different situation, and Mil ordering op not to dress dc same, is the crux here.
. Perhaps you think that's a diplomatic kind way to talk to family members?

Dress your children how ever you like.

This is such a non-issue.

Your Mil and Sil should just get over it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the actual scenario was anything like how it’s been portrayed.

Snowflakes raise snowflakes.