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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to wind her neck in

553 replies

senorasenora · 24/07/2019 11:30

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Tingface · 25/07/2019 13:37

There’s six other days in the week when your boys can dress alike.
Why dig your heels in over this one if it’s causing a little boy to feel left out?

Just show a little grace.

Original poster
senorasenora · 25/07/2019 13:37

@BertrandRussell

Really? I’m now responsible for buying my nephews clothes? When I go to the shops and find outfits for my sons I need to buy my nephew the same if my sons happen to have the same?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 25/07/2019 13:39

Nobody thinks you are responsible for buying your nephews clothes and plus we’ve read the thread we know that you would do anyway.

NoSauce · 25/07/2019 13:39

Wouldn’t

Original poster
senorasenora · 25/07/2019 13:40

@NoSauce

Can I direct you to @BertrandRussell response where they question why I can’t pick up a £3 t shirt for my nephew?

OP posts:
NoSauce · 25/07/2019 13:43

Obviously Bertrand is a generous woman, I certainly had no preconceptions of you buying your nephew a T shirt. You only have to read the thread to see that.

mbosnz · 25/07/2019 13:43

If you’ve been a parent for 4 years and let that happen I fear for your future!

Your fears are unfounded Bertrand, you may rest easy.

Been a parent for considerably more, have let that happen - and amazingly, am here to tell the tale!

BertrandRussell · 25/07/2019 13:45

No-I suggested you might buy 2 1.50 shirts for your boys and your sil gets one for hers.
But actually, I don’t see why you shouldn’t occasionally get and extra one for your nephew. I stress occasionally Then turn up at lunch with yours matching and one for him to change into. I think that would be fun......

phoenixrosehere · 25/07/2019 13:45

I don’t see how OP’s text is wrong nor OP’s actions.

It was on SIL to mention it not mil. Yes, their her grandchildren but she could have offered to buy them all the same shirt instead. Sil could have also said something sooner if this had been happening for weeks considering it’s her child and also offered to buy something for them all if it means that much to her son. Why is it on op to stop her sons from doing something that makes them happy ? Her youngest wants to dress like his big brother. Part of life when having a sibling. Op isn’t saying she’s not going to let her nephew join in but that she’s not going to stop her sons from dressing the same if they desire.

You don’t want to upset the nephew further, but it’s ok to upset the youngest?

The only way to make this fair for everybody is for sil to text OP back and OP to let her know what the boys have chosen to wear so her child can wear the same on the Sunday.

Problem solved.

mycatisblack · 25/07/2019 13:46

Until you speak to your SIL, you have no idea whether the 4yr old cousin is upset by this and it seems that you care even less.
An only child of that age group can be very conscious of not having siblings and your pair wearing matching outfits is probably rubbing salt into the wound.
Why would a grown woman not care about the feelings of their 4 yr old nephew?
I have 2 DIL's and can't imagine either of them being this insensitive. Confused

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 13:47

Ffs no one said any of the kids HAVE to be upset.

Why do people keep saying this?

Yes the mil made a misstep. Probably out of kindness to the nephew. Baring in mind the OP apparantly likes her.

Jesus christ, I wonder why mils cant make a mistake on occassiona and it not have to be a huge deal

NoSauce · 25/07/2019 13:52

Jesus christ, I wonder why mils cant make a mistake on occassiona and it not have to be a huge deal

Hmm AIBU would be defunct though if that were to happen Grin

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 13:55

@NoSauce hahaha yes. It would definitely a quiet board. 😂

ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2019 13:57

Sils child hates the other 2 because they have been brought up to believe they can do what they want.

But that's not what's happening. It's OP's 2 year old who wants to wear the same as his brother. OP has already had to tell him he can only do that at the weekends. It's a 2 year old who will be left upset by being told "no you can't wear the same as your brother". Also at 2, he won't have the capacity to understand why. Were he older he could be reasoned with and have things explained in a way he can understand.

If it was such a major issue for the 4 year old, then it's on his parents to contact the OP and her husband to ask can you please give us the heads up if the boys are wearing the same on Sunday and we'll buy John the same top.

Or if granny finds it such a big issue maybe she can go to Primark and buy all three boys a matching £3 t-shirt.

NoSauce · 25/07/2019 13:58

Maybe MIL will go and buy 3 tops the same?

ILoveYou3000 · 25/07/2019 14:01

NoSauce I'd say that's unlikely judging by the OP, but who knows.

Hidingwhoiam · 25/07/2019 14:02

@ILoveYou3000 you didnt even read my posts.

I was talking about people who were making up wild stories about how the relationship will be impacted as they get older

That was me making up a wild situation where the whole relationship is ruined because mil sent a text.

I was not saying that's what will happen.

mbosnz · 25/07/2019 14:03

I just hope all three children survive this traumatic ordeal, and find a way to fund the therapy that will clearly be needed later in life as a result.

Pass the Pimms, people, it's too bloody hot for all this emoting all over the show! Wine

RedHelenB · 25/07/2019 14:03

Could you say to your sons that their cousin would like to join in and get some cheap t shirts for them all?

AllSweetnessAndLight · 25/07/2019 14:06

It is about getting one over on MIL instead of being considerate of the 4 year old DN's feelings. It's petty and selfish behaviour. Unfortunately in trying your best to iritate your MIL, you are upsetting a 4 year old child.

SandAndSea · 25/07/2019 14:21

I agree about the importance of kindness and inclusion and would have probably used this as an opportunity to talk to the chn about that. I might well have introduced the idea of all the kids, and maybe even all the adults, having some kind of matching or themed attire, as a fun thing for everyone to join in with and enjoy. Or, I would have encouraged the chn to lay off the matching just for that dinner - maybe make it a Saturday thing instead. Just some thoughts.

makingmammaries · 25/07/2019 15:16

I’m wondering how the snowflake cousin will be able to stand it when OP’s sons go on holiday without him, if he hasn’t grasped the distinction between brothers and cousins.

BertrandRussell · 25/07/2019 15:21

“I’m wondering how the snowflake cousin will be able to stand it when OP’s sons go on holiday without him, if he hasn’t grasped the distinction between brothers and cousins”

Are you really wondering that? Really? You’re not, are you.

BertrandRussell · 25/07/2019 15:23

Actually, , on reflection, anyone who’d call a sad 4 year old a snowflake is capable of anything.

Evilspiritgin · 25/07/2019 15:24

so it’s not the mil causing trouble but sil - what a weird family you have op

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