To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

Forget MIL and put the 4 year old little boy first.

But what about the 2 year old? Why is it okay for him to be upset?

I don't think anyone is in the wrong here, both parents just want to make it so their own child isn't upset. I'm sure a compromise could be reached, whereby both little boys get what they want. I don't think think it's an either or situation.

Bold fail there.

Hidingwhoiam I agree with you, I also think MN doesn’t help in a lot of situations where a MIL is concerned, people ask for suggestions or opinions knowing full well they’re more than likely going to be sided with therefore fuelling an already unstable relationship.

At the risk of being vilified, I think the sil is being precious and mil shouldnt have said anything. What about the feelings of the OP'S youngest ds or should he just be made to wear something different when he sees his cousin? I'm not seeing many people express ng concern for him, it's all about his cousin and sil's feelings.

But what about the 2 year old? Why is it okay for him to be upset?

I haven’t said it was. Between the OP and her SIL, I’m sure they can up with the same outfit for all three children.

In most families this would be a non-event. 'x is sad because y and z are dressed the same'
'Oh, I never thought, we'll buy the same for all of them' or 'Oh, we'll save the matching outfits for different days'.
When your first response is to start a thread bitching about your MIL, it's reveals much more about the OP than anyone else.

It’s obvious from the title what sort of replies the OP wanted. And she got them. If I was the sil I’d now feel I’d got the measure of the OP, and everything would just be a bit less friendly and kind and nice in the family.

Why do any if the kids need to be upset?

This is why people have problems with in laws. Because they think its case of someone is going to be upset.

Instead of posting here and getting all wound up about all the ways OP could upset her mil more. She could have just called her sister in law (or got dh to do it if that's how they would usually do it) and sorted something out so all the kids happy.

But no, op wanted to come a bitch about her mil. Who she says she likes, which is odd. Because you if like somone, genuinely like them, you are likely to over look a misstep especially when you know its about not upsetting another grandchild.

Mn really doesnr help family situations alot of time because there so many people that have to do it in extremes.

Bertrand you do realise these cousins are not taunting the 4 year old and making up a special club to exclude him?

They are simply wearing outfits that's all.
Op has reached out to sil to share outfit info.

How on earth does that equate to, having ops number, and being less kind?

I'm genuinely perplexed.

I think your being overly dramatic.

Mil 'she contacted you what did she say? Will she stop dressing them the same?

Sil' what! You asked her to stop dressing them the same? I didn't ask you to go that far or say anything! She said it's not her choice, the boys want it and that she'd give me a heads up on what they wear if I want it. '

Mil' oh, '

I’m not being dramatic. I just think if you are doing something unawares that upsets someone else, you try to stop doing it. Not hard really.

How does one explain that concept to a 2 year old.

A kind person would have said-for example “Oh, poor little sausage- shall we buy them some matching t shirts?”

It’s now been made a much bigger thing than it should be and the OP had made it plain that she is not going to shift for anyone.

By the way- I know the OP said she couldn’t really afford to buy more clothes- but you would have to be very broke indeed not to be able to spare 3 quid. I do apologise to her if she is in that situation.

How does one explain that concept to a 2 year old

Nothing needs explaining to the 2 year old. He’s going to be wearing the same as his older brother and cousin!

What a big old fuss about nothing. All this drama for what?

I bet the OP was trying to get in the DM

I'm just idly wondering how this could play out in terms of the cousin's relationship in years to come.

'Mum we want to wear our matching outfits, we love wearing them to show Nana!'

'Oh, sorry darlings, it upsets your cousin when you do that, it makes him feel excluded. So, to be kind, we're not going to do that to Nana's anymore. After all, we want to be kind to Freddy, don't we? We don't want him feeling left out.'

Kids look slightly confused. Huh?, 'Um, okay, sure Mum'. (Except for the two year old who obviously can't grok this, all they know is that they wanna wear their matchies, and cue frustrated tanty).

But I wonder if years down the track whether they'd be looking at Freddy thinking 'bloody hell mate, you're a bit of a fragile petal, aren't you? And why did Nana care more about your feelings than about ours?'

Just wondering. . .

“Oh, what a shame, your red t shirts are in the wash. Never mind- you and Fred can wear them tomorrow”

Oh, and maybe OP knows perfectly well that SIL would never allow her DC to be seen dead in a £3 primark tshirt. . . or maybe she has very strong feelings about supporting exploitative labour practices, and the impact of throwaway clothing on the environment. . .

BertrandRussell - Or the child's mum could actually solve the situation she has brought up by buying them herself? Dont see why the OP should pay for things!

She didn’t need to buy the t shirt herself, she could have rang SIL yesterday morning and said “ I’m sorry little whatever his name has been feeling left out because the boys have had matching tops on, they’re from Primark, Next or wherever if you want to get him one so he’s matching. SIL would have most likely said “ aye I’ll get one before Sunday, cheers for that! “

“Oh, what a shame, your red t shirts are in the wash. Never mind- you and Fred can wear them tomorrow”

Kid looks at red t-shirts that are clearly in the drawer. 'What you on about Mum? They're right there!'

“BertrandRussell - Or the child's mum could actually solve the situation she has brought up by buying them herself? Dont see why the OP should pay for things!”

Well, I was suggesting that the OP only pay for her own kid’s shirts. But yes, the sil could buy all three.

just to chip in as I don't know if someone has already said this. (I've only skim read) ... I don't see why dn feelings should trump the op's dcs.

my dm dressed me and dsis the same growing up and I hated it. because I don't my dds love matching whenever they can. so I can see how this situation would come about.

personally I'd have ignored the message and tried to avoid the dc matching but if it was going to cause an issue I would let them match. i agree with a pp trying to get a 2 year old to empathise with their cousin would be virtually impossible.

If this had any been blown out of all proportion, what would happen in the future would be “Do you remember when we all liked wearing the same shirts? Look at us in this picture! We look like something out of the Brady Bunch! [insert chronologically appropriate TV show]”

Yes cause the 2 year is likely to look in their drawer.

I dont think anyone needs to worry about the cousins relationships when they get older. If OP and dh get is such a huff and dig their heels in over a child being a bit upset and DHS mother making a misstep. The cousins wont be that close.

See, we could all make up situations that are exaggerations to talk about a negative outcome.

Sils child hates the other 2 because they have been brought up to believe they can do what they want.

Ops kids could hate the cousin because he isnt one of them.

Let's not let common sense get in the way. Much better to predict disastrous consquences of this one small text, because then at least everyone can blame mil

“Kid looks at red t-shirts that are clearly in the drawer. 'What you on about Mum? They're right there!'“

If you’ve been a parent for 4 years and let that happen I fear for your future!

I don't see why dn feelings should trump the op's dcs.

Or, adults could be adults and reach a compromise. But then mil couldnt be blamed for starting an issue could she.