To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

I hope that was ok. I tried to be as positive as possible. My DH isn’t backing down and actually suggested that the four of us have matching outfits

So SIL did know her DS was a bit upset but didn’t bother to mention it because maybe it wasn’t important enough for her to make a fuss about?

It would have been a storm in a teacup if MIL hadn’t stuck her beak in.

Nice! Your dh wants to go out of your way, to cause more drama?

It's that attitude I don't get. Fair enough to not listen to mil or dress your kids how she says.

But trying make the situation worse, is just bizarre to me.

Just ignore

Hidingwhoiam I think the Op and her dh were having a joke. People do that sometimes. From reading the posts I dont imagine the op will be doing a family matchy thing. Lighten up!

@Hidingwhoiam
we won’t be showing up in matching outfits so fret not 😂😂😂

This is how snowflakes are created and the nephews parents weren't bothered enough to say anything, they probably realise how ridiculous it is. Talk about creating Drama, it is mil stirring.
I've known siblings make less fuss when feeling left out.

Great response. All well. Hope it's a lovely time next time you see them. (and well done for surviving AIBU!)

^^“When you go to her house you should follow her rules. She doesn’t want them dressing the same so honour that wish or stop your free meals.”

Teddybear bwahahaha

That is so bloody funny. Because you are hosting a meal you can dictate what your visitors wear?! Hahaha

“Oh my poor little guy. You have an icky feeling inside because you didn’t win the race/get a certificate/dress the same etc. it makes you feel icky inside doesn’t it. It will be ok, sometimes there will be times when you feel sad because you didn’t win/get what you want.

I agree with a previous poster that children will be disappointed sometimes in life, but it’s our job to help them to bounce back (grow resilience).

I would most likely text SIL the colour of the short the boys are wearing to appease her. OP did you have a thread a while back about birthday candles having to be relit for a nephew and happy birthday sung to him even though it wasn’t his birthday party?

Sounds like you've got it sorted nicely!
Now it's entirely up to SIL to text you to see what your boys are wearing and whether or not her DS is going to wear the same thing.
And if she doesn't bother, then no worries - it's not that important!

Actually I think you're being a bit horrible. I would have been with you if it was mil just not liking the outfits but it's not. There's 3 kids together, all related, two dress the same several weeks, obviously the other is going to feel sad, yeah he could just feel sad but why would you want this, it's a couple of hours. You couldn't just stick another top on one and swap when you leave, or wear the matching outfit on the other day at the weekend. Pretty nasty to say that your nephew has to feel left out and I actually think your message back to sil was pretty uncaring for your nephew. Purchase 3 tshirts so they can all join in or send them in something different. No need to upset the other child.

“Oh my poor little guy. You have an icky feeling inside because you didn’t win the race/get a certificate/dress the same etc. it makes you feel icky inside doesn’t it. It will be ok, sometimes there will be times when you feel sad because you didn’t win/get what you want

This is nothing like not winning the race or not getting a certificate for whatever, this is a young boy feeling sad because his cousins that are brothers have been dressing the same and he feels left out while at his grandparents house.

Kids not getting their own way I feel is the same. Whether it be not winning, not getting the same toy, getting a present, blowing the candles out at someone else’s birthday party, doing an activity etc. parents can’t make absolutely everything in life fair so their kids don’t feel disappointment. Early childhood is the perfect time to develop resilience and to learn that life isn’t fair.

I don’t believe that the brothers dressing the same 3 or 4 times in total is a form of bullying. But expecting others to change their behaviour to suit you I think is a poor life lesson. The OP has kindly offered for SIL to make contact to learn what her boys will be wearing which is a fabulous compromise.

Again none of your examples are like what’s happening here. A bit of kindness goes a long way, knowingly leaving this child out when a quick stop of at a supermarket to buy a couple of t shirts the same as his cousins isn’t going to turn him into an entitled little boy that can never lose.

Resilience is indeed a good thing to teach children. So is kindness.

Believe me, the nephew as an only child will build up a lot of resilience over the years. Having a sibling can cushion you from a lot of difficult situations.

“Resilience is indeed a good thing to teach children. So is kindness.”.

Yep. I do get the feeling that sometimes people are scared to be kind in case it looks like weakness.

Having a sibling can cushion you from a lot of difficult situations.

And cause a whole lot of other difficult situations.

I absolutely agree that kindness is important to teach kids. But teaching kids to choose what they wear depending on a cousin’s whim.....

The OP was asked for her kids not to wear the same outfit.

I also agree, your text basically says I know your four year old is upset, but we are going to do it anyway. I'm fairly sure you know this kid doesn't have the exact same clothes or you'd have said.

The teaching kindness or resiliiance thing. It's about teaching your own kids. Not others.

It's bullshit to say I don't want to take this opportunity to teach my children about kindness and inclusion, but wish the other parent to teach their kid resilience in th face of exclusion. I will teach my kid to do what they please.

The issue with that approach is one day it's going to bite you so hard on thr arse. When they reach teenage years and don't do a thing you say. A thing their teachers say. Because right from a young age, you taught them to do what they want, what makes them happy, irrelevant of others.

As said, for me,it's not my call what other parents teach their kids. Like it's not thr ops call what this little boy is taught. It's about what she chooses to teach her kids. And these subtle messages are what form our personalities as we grow up.

This is an ideal time for thr op to teach her kids about kindness and inclusion. Instead she's teaching them the big fuck you.

This really is a sad thread. And I think the message you sent was horrid.

And you know what? I am pretty sure the response would have been entirely different if this thread had had a different title.

I agree with Bluntness.

I also wonder if SIL expected OP's response hence why she didn't mention it. MIL probably thought no adult would upset a child when it could be avoided. At least now everyone is clear on who everyone else is and what values are important to them.

To me this thread is more about the OP not wanting to give in or back down to her MIL.

Even the title is telling.

Forget MIL and put the 4 year old little boy first.

And you know what? I am pretty sure the response would have been entirely different if this thread had had a different title

I hadn’t seen this when I posted about the title being telling.
I agree.

It's funny because people often post here about why so many mners seems to have bat shit mils.

The truth is most of the bat shit mil stories are usually just a mole trying to avoid an issue for someone else. But so many women have it in for their mils they love making it into a big deal.

This situation could have been handled so much better. Really what did the mil do? She asked op to not do something because it was upset to g her other grandchild. Yes she could have texted asking where they got the clothes or something else. Thiugh on mn there would have been outrage at mil buying the child matching clothes to the ops children

But then OP could have handled this better. Her and her husband 'digging their feet in over this' and people egging them on to make it worse, just to upset a mil is all a bit pathetic.

When you marry someone their family can be difficult because the dynamic changes for everyone. A bit of kindness, rather than drawing battle lines and doing stuff just because you can, doesn't help anyone.