To tell MIL to wind her neck in

[senorasenora]

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

It's a bit annoying to be dictated to, as a pp pointed out, but if your nephew is truly upset by this, and I can understand why he might be, then surely it's a no brainer? You do the thing where a 4-year-old DOESN'T get his feelings hurt.

If it were me, I'd be checking in with SIL/BIL and if they confirmed it was an issue, I'd stop the matched clothes that day.

I wouldn't tell my child that it's unimportant, it's how they feel. I'd acknowledge their feelings, and what might be behind it, like feeling the loneliness singletons sometimes feel, and then I'd try and find a way to celebrate their specialness - so like a cool Sunday Special outfit - or even reaching out to SIL to find out what his cousins were going to wear and asking if she minded if I indulged my kid a little and dressed him similarly. Not exactly the same, similarly.

I'd also be gently explaining to him that this is the way of it - they're siblings, and have a very special bond. Being a cousin is very special too, but different. There's cool things about being a singleton, and talking about that too.

“AND not make it the OP's problem at all.”

Because families shouldn’t think about or care for each other at all?

Ok I’ve messaged my SIL. I said to her:

“Hi SIL, MIL has messaged me to say that John is upset that James and Oliver have worn matching clothes a couple of times when we’ve been for dinner. Is this the case? Oliver likes to match his brother at the moment and James is happy to comply. If John is feeling left out, why don’t you message me to find out what they’re wearing and he can wear something similar.”

Not their real names!

Jeez why didn’t you do that before starting this thread OP?

And deny us our pleasure?!

Kids have to learn life skills. Not everything goes their way. Why isn't anyone speaking to him and explaining that sometimes brothers like to dress the same and sometimes they want to dress differently to one another, just like him. He could pick a matching top as his mum or dad, matching colours or style. He may not want to follow the pack and it's ok to be different. Lord knows what his mum will do when he wants the latest hoodie/trainers/shirt that everyone is wearing. Mil should butt out. If sil has an issue, she should discuss it with you.
She probably doesn't see a problem but mil has pandered.

Not for every hiccup a 4 year old has no. That would be really annoying if I had to get involved with basic parenting of another child especially when I have two of my own to deal with. This is one the parents should be dealing with not making it an issue for OP. It's indulgent twattery.

Perfect op!
Well done for by passing the middle man too.

We will all eagerly await her response.
Re buying t shirts from primark, maybe the sil doesn't want her dc to dress in that type of thing. Maybe the sil should be offering to buy same outfits.
But trampling in with... Stop wearing outfits is bound to get anyone's back up.

Yes, I don’t get it either - why is a 2 year old wanting to dress like his big brother seen as a lack of compassion? Overdramatic much?

Message is good and is hopefully the end of any drama!

Nice message.

See that's a reasoned response.

Rather than 'yeah all match and piss people off even more!!!!!!' Reaction from some on this thread.

Gave up reading replies especially when trolls started telling you to comply 🤔🙄

Your boys are old enough to choose what they want to wear so let them!

If your mil has a problem then it's her problem, it's not yours or your sons.

For the record I love matching outfits and my 3 year old loves to dress like her big cousin.

Although I do think you need the matching family pyjamas for Christmas and get extras in the next few sizes up for the boys do you and you husband get good use of them 🤣

@NoSauce

Lol. AIBU would be redundant if people didn’t ask for advice

@OP did she reply? I bet SIL won't care it's just MIL

So it didn’t even occur to you to phone SIL to ask how her DS was and get her take on it but rather tell a bunch of strangers about it. This could have been cleared up by lunchtime!

You know what to do op.........Ask Mil which are her most favourite curtains........

senorasenora great message to your SIL.

Oooh dying to know what she said OP!!

What did she say??? I imagine she instigated the original message from MIL

Perfect message OP.
TBH I don’t believe the 4yo has noticed anything, my bet is on SIL...

Next time they just so happen to match simply message your MIL saying you can't come to supper today as your sons want to match today and don't want to upset anyone.

Tell me she replied not knowing anything about it !

SIL did respond...

I won’t put it word for word but it went along the lines of

“John mentioned after we left on Sunday that James and Oliver were dressed the same and he wanted to wear the same as them. I did mention it in to MIL that he seemed a bit upset that he wasn’t dressed the same as them.”

I responded.

That’s lovely that John would like to be like his cousins. Like I said, give me a text (if you want) on a Sunday and if they’re matching then I’ll give you the lowdown. Oliver is still very young and they’re close to each other so they quite enjoy being matching (even if I don’t 🙈) so Dh and I are happy to let them continue.”