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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to wind her neck in

553 replies

senorasenora · 24/07/2019 11:30

We often go to my mother in law’s house for dinner on a Sunday. My DH’s brother and his wife come too. DH and I have two boys aged 5 and 2 and BIL and SIL have a son aged 4.

Since the weather has been nice I’ve bought the boys some summer clothes and some of it matches. I’m not normally in the business of dressing the boys the same - in fact I don’t really like it all that much but a couple of times we’ve been at MILs for dinner my younger son has said before he goes that he wants to match his big brother. My elder DS is quite happy with this as it’s a novelty. During the week I work and it’s much more difficult to get matching outfits sorted so to pacify younger DS we said he could match at the weekends.

I’ve just received a text from my MIL to say that she doesn’t want my son’s dressed the same for dinner at hers because my nephew is feeling left out.

To be honest I never even considered this. What should I respond? Should I let her dictate what my son’s wear?

I’m tempted to now make sure they match at all times.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
senorasenora · 24/07/2019 16:45

By virtue of the fact that they’re brothers they’re going to have shared experiences. As a pp pointed out, what if we take them on a fun day out or holiday or buy them toys...are they not allowed to take them to their gran’s house or talk about what they’ve been doing because nephew will not have been involved?

My DH responsed btw and has told his mum how the boys are dressed is not up for discussion.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 24/07/2019 16:47

A bit of a difference between a tooth and a 1.50 Primark T shirt!

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 16:47

I had am only child for 9 years. It was not easy

Well this explains everything!

Celtic1hair · 24/07/2019 16:48

It is annoying being dictated too, but I'm sure to avoid any bad feeling over what really is a minor issue, maybe just text back and explain that they really look forward to doing it & you don't want to disappoint them, and that you would be happy to text SIL what they are wearing so that she can dress her little one the same if she wishes!

HJWT · 24/07/2019 16:48

@Geminijes what happens if her son's both like dinosaurs and want to both wear the same dinosaur t-shirt !?

BertrandRussell · 24/07/2019 16:49

Why would you do something on purpose to upset someone else?

Howyiz · 24/07/2019 16:51

BertrandRussell why doesn't the sil or mil just ask 'where do you get their outfits, 4 Yr old would live to be dressed the same so do you mind if we buy him the same ones?'
Why is this an issue for the OP to sort?
**You could say why should the 2 year old trump the 4 year old!
I wouldn't say either child should trump the other, I would say it is a complete non issue.
Why you think the Op is more responsible than the child's own mother is what baffles me most. By your logic why does the sil not just buy 3 Sunday outfits?

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 16:52

brassbrass it explains why I understand about being a parent to an only child and how an only child might feel left out.

The fact you find this noteworthy suggests you have no idea about it.

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 16:55

No what it suggests is that you think the world revolves around you or owes you something because you had an only child. Neither of which is true.

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 16:59

brassbrass I have two children and the world owes me nothing.

But my experiences have impacted how I react to the world because I have learnt from them.

I'm leaving this thread because there is a lot of unnecessary anger here.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 16:59

The OP isn't doing it on purpose to upset anyone. Her children choose what they wear. They aren't choosing what to wear with the intent to upset their cousin.

There is no malign intent.

Just reading an interesting article on The Guardian about the 'toxic parenting pandemic, by John Marsden - an Australian author and principal, about how overprotective parents are failing their children, playing the eternal advocate for their children, seeking to clear all obstacles from their children's paths, and how it's detrimentally impacting their children's ability to develop resilience and actually emotionally damaging their child.

Really made me think of this thread!

Gogreen · 24/07/2019 17:03

I can’t believe how crazy some people’s reactions are on this thread...it’s like you’ve all got too involved in the details you can’t actually see what’s going on any more!!

No one is being horrible to a 4 year old.
Brothers can match clothes if they wish.
Cousin is not being excluded because two brothers are wearing the same clothes....they are clothes..the brothers are not saying he can’t play with them or ignoring them....they are doing nothing but wearing the same clothes. It’s like saying..he feels left out the brothers have the same mum and he has a different one...it’s very normal, lots of people have different things and some have the same it’s a non issue!

Mother in law and sister need to get their heads out the clouds and back down to normal reality....are they bored today?

I wouldn’t even respond back to the text, I would ignore the whole thing, it’s not realistic for everyone to always be the same at all times, even if they are family, it’s a silly notion!

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 17:04

There isn't any anger but you don't seem to have enough resilience to cope with opposing views. This nephew may turn out the same if everyone keeps pandering to him. It would be better in the long run to teach him resilience so he doesn't take everything so personally.

Original poster
senorasenora · 24/07/2019 17:05

@BertrandRussell but my boys didn’t choose to match to upset their cousin on purpose Hmm

Have i to tell my children that they can’t match in their cousin’s company?

Nothing was done on purpose. They won’t match every single week and I’m a bit reluctant to start kowtowing to these requests.

OP posts:
Halo1234 · 24/07/2019 17:08

Your nephew is not left out any more than he is when your boys go home together and he goes home separately. When your kids wake up together on Christmas morning together and he isnt there. Your kids are brothers he is a cousin so he will always be left out because you are different families. I dont get why your MIL is offended and why you shouldn't dress them alike if they like it. It's a group of 2 brothers and a cousin. Going by your mother in laws theory he will be left out anytime he is with a sibling group.
Having said that if you look at your mother in laws intention rather than her action can it be argued that she is coming from a place of wanting to protect her grandsons feeling. Rightly or wrongly (clearly u and I both think worngly) she might be coming from a good place? If u think it does come from (unnecessary) genuine care for her grandson then I would pander to it to keep the peace. Could u buy some cheap shirts for the 3 of them? For a plan imcade your son wants to dress as his brother. Imo life is too short to cause a family fall out over it. If she is kind enough to have u all for dinner every week and a good gran to you DC. Then just take one for the team.

BertrandRussell · 24/07/2019 17:10

Of course they don’t do it on purpose to upset their cousin! But surely, once you know it does upset him it would be easy not to do it?

One of my children was terrified of clowns. A friend had a fantastic dressing up box, but her mum always used to take the clown mask out before we visited. People on this thread would say that my child should have got over themselves- if the other child wanted to wear her clown mask she should have been able to!

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 17:10

brassbrass I shared my views to try and help the OP to see the other side.

There is a lot of information on building resilience in children and it is not just based on being forced to overcome difficult situations. It's more complex.

My older child never worried about dressing like anyone else so this is not a personal experience for me.

And yes I do sense anger on this thread.

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 17:11

These things can be insidious and before you know it the sense of entitlement has folded your family in half and you're left wondering how you ever got like that. Better to nip it in the bud now. You aren't to compensate for him being an only it's got nothing to do with you so not your job to manage it.

thinkfast · 24/07/2019 17:12

Why would you want your young nephew to continue to feel left out?

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 17:14

Bertrand you're being ridiculous likening wearing a matching t-shirt to scaring a child with a clown mask. Get a grip.

mbosnz · 24/07/2019 17:15

He's not being 'left out', i.e, excluded, he is just naturally not a part of something that the other two children enjoy doing as siblings.

How about SIL helping him enjoy and celebrate his situation - a really cool outfit that he wears and shows off on Sunday? Rather than seeking to deny her two nephews their innocent celebration of being siblings!

Italiangreyhound · 24/07/2019 17:16

brassbrass with respect, this is not an 'insidious' situation.

It is one where a person can be inclusive and helpful or not.

There is no 'sense of entitlement', there is just a child who feels left out. Very soon these boys will not want to dress alike, at all, is my guess, any of them, and the OP will wonder why it was such an issue!

If you are speaking of something that '...has folded your family in half and you're left wondering how you ever got like that' then I am very sorry for you, and your personal situation. but I am not sure the situation the OP is describing has that potential.

But of course, the OP will weigh all these views before she acts, or maybe she will simply do what she had already decided to do.

thinkfast · 24/07/2019 17:16

Is he just feeling left out because of the clothes, or excluded in other ways OP?

BertrandRussell · 24/07/2019 17:17

“Bertrand you're being ridiculous likening wearing a matching t-shirt to scaring a child with a clown mask. Get a grip”

Says the person who likened wearing a t shirt to ripping a tooth out....

If you can do something to make someone else-particularly a 4 year old- happier then do it.

brassbrass · 24/07/2019 17:18

overcome difficult situations

This is exactly what you need to do. What is the alternative? Not deal with them and make everyone else responsible for them? People are busy with their own lives did I mention their lives don't revolve around you?