To give up my career

[Isitreallyworthit]

Will try to keep this short!

I recently returned to work after DC3.
I work 3 days but in reality, I do a lot more (or should do a lot more). It’s a middle management role in a big company, very busy, but I guess it’s not the most stressful job I could have... I do put a lot of pressure on myself.
I’m constantly stressed with everything at home that goes with it, rushing here, there, dropping children at this club and that club, and we’ve had a lot of minor illness since DC3 started nursery. DH helps where he can with picks ups, washing etc. but I seem to have taken on the role of most things in the house and all the organisation for the children.
We have a cleaner who does the ironing also.

I’m unhappy. Constantly shouting at the children, arguing with DH, tired, stressed and bursting into tears. Today I called DD(5) something horrible, I say nasty things to everyone and I often have big regrets about having DC3. This is not me. I feel constantly on the edge when I’m due to be working. It’s always hanging over me and everything seems so overwhelming.
I’ve taken today off sick and to consider my options.

I want to just quit but financially it would be a stretch (we’ve just moved to a bigger house with a bigger mortgage), and I worked hard to get where I am.
But I know we can’t go on like this.

I have no idea what to do.
I considered a nanny but the thought of looking for one and interviewing seems so overwhelming. Plus the cost is high and I’d resent working so hard for so little take home. I totally get that it’s a short term pain and long term gain with keeping my foot in the foot, and pension contributions etc but I’m just sooo tired of this absolute slog of a life.

This stands out in your OP:
"DH helps where he can with picks ups, washing etc. but I seem to have taken on the role of most things in the house and all the organisation for the children."

If you can sort that bit out, so that you are both doing 2.5 jobs, rather than you doing 2 and him doing 1, you'll feel better. Doesn't have to be 50% of each thing, just so the balance is right between you. Men often say they can't possibly do even one nursery drop-off/pick-up, but somehow women are default expected to do them all...

Only you can know if the house and kids are responsibilities you're prepared to share, some people won't.

Please don't give up your career until you've at least had a go at a more equal distribution of responsibilities, and I hope your DH doesn't support you in giving it up without giving supporting you in your career a go first.

How about an au pair rather than a nanny? Cost wouldn't be as high but could take some of the strain?

Are you currently still doing work on your two days off? If so can you be stricter and not pick up work when you should be off? Can you talk to your manager about workload and say what you currently have isn't realistic for 3 days a week?

It's a busy juggling act, whatever you decide to do. If you are able to work less hours would that make a difference or would you prefer a different type of work role?

I think you are wise to take time toconsider your stress levels as your children will feel bewildered and sad when you suddenly become angry with them

We really have tried to split things more evenly, and perhaps my wording doesn’t give DH the credit he is due.
We do share pick ups but he is more senior than me and earns a lot more than me, and some of his early or late meetings do take prioritY we discuss and work it out, but I might not have something scheduled but it eats into my time to actually do work, hence why I’m always playing catch up.
I tend to sort all the childcare, health appointments, their clothes, parties, play dates as it’s been easier for one person to manage this, especially as I take them on my non working days so I’m not sure how easy it would be to split...
I have picked up on him on the off occasion I’m still doing these things one evening when he has sat down to ‘relax’.

DH has been quite against me stopping work due to the financial hit, but even he is coming round to it as we are all so stressed.

My heart says quit the job and the whole family would benefit, but my head worries about whether I’d ever get another well paid job and honestly, I feel like a bit of a failure.

Midsumma I have no doubt that I am upsetting them.
This is one of my biggest worries. DS1 has started shouting and I can hear myself.

Project yourself forward 20 years. The women I know who did what you’re doing are in fulfilling roles. Ive dipped in and out and I’m quite envious of them. I don’t know anyone who’s taken a significant break and got back to where they perhaps would have been.
It’s very difficult, and you have to think about what you want. You sound as though you’re too thinly stretched at the moment though, no-one’s very happy.

Don't feel a failure, you're balancing a lot.

Are you putting a lot of pressure on yourself to deliver in work? Are you a bit of a perfectionist? Your OP suggests this.

You don't have to be the perfect employee. What about working on this and figuring out what's 'good enough' in terms of outputs for the minute.

I've seen this quite a lot, that the very diligent/perfectionist types are the ones that (ironically) give up their careers because it all gets too much.

Something to think about.

I wouldn’t quit. You don’t know what the future holds and your DH doesn’t sound like he wants to be the sole earner.

I’d look a moving jobs or getting a GP check as three days work isn’t a huge amount so it shouldn’t be exhausting.

How financial stretched would you be?- everyones interpretation of this is different, in real terms what would you have to cut back on

I dont think its necessarily a bad idea- would it be "easy" to get back into your career in a couple of years?

Check out the thread on high powered women + coping with children and work. You can probably get some tips.

You need more help than you are currently getting. Maybe upping to 5 days and DP actually taking an equal share of the child and life work would be easier on you.

Maybe it is not so much how many days you work that is exhausting, it is the juggling of being everything for everyone?
You need to let Dh take on more parenting tasks, such as preparing the evening meals and organising shopping to be delivered.

Let go of housework tasks. Can you make it a priority to plan some down time with the children where you put down the housework hat and really enjoy their company.

Please do not. You will never ever get a 3 day a week job in a senior well paid role again and once you step off...

I despair about the situation you are in. Confident, capable but have short term stress. If you go you will be replaced by a man. Guarantee.

I got anti-ds to help anxiety & stress and it saw me through those tough years. Allowed me sleep. Now all ok. Good luck. Xx

Please do not. You will never ever get a 3 day a week job in a senior well paid role again and once you step off

This is so true

3 days is a great deal. If I were you I’d be doing everything to make that work.

Some really good points and thank you for all the responses.

I think I am too diligent at work, was always a perfectionist and high achiever at school and uni. This was fine before children as I could stay late if needed. I really have tried to stop caring so much, and I’m a lot better at saying no and prioritising, but I’m feeling so low and ‘paranoid’ I feel I have to prove I can still do everything and deliver.

I certainly don’t find the 3 days in the office exhausting... it’s everything that goes with it and the working until 11.30 to just keep on top. I think I’d be less stressed going full time but I’ve got mixed feelings about it.

Come September we’ll have 3 drop offs to make so the options I have are either quit or get a nanny to help. We have a 1 hour commute each way and with picks ups I often leave at 4.45 but don’t get them all home until 6.15pm. Then it’s tea, bath, reading etc.

I could go up to 4 or 5 days, and my managed already alluded to the fact she would jump at the chance, but I already feel I’m missing out on drop offs etc, and the children are exhausted after all the morning and after school clubs. I guess a nanny would help with this though, so I think 4 days at least might be a good option.

I was really hoping you’d all say, ‘give up, I did and it was the best thing’!
Deep down I know short term that is the best thing for us all, but long term I’m really not sure.

I think you need to have some discussions with your DH so you can sort something that both of you are happy with. He may earn more so there will be some consessions for that, but you deserve to be able to have your career too. I think if you leave you'll look back a decade from now and regret it, personally. Is there another role that might suit you better? Any adjustments that you could ask for to make life easier?

My advice is never to give up work, let alone a career.

Your OH needs to sort out his commitments and find solutions that don't involve relying on you.

Sorry but I'm in the minority here, but I gave up my career and have zero regrets!! I am SO much happier now, so much less stressed, and it is so much better for my kids to not be dumped off with a nanny or clubs. My husband couldn't be happier too. Much less pressure on him as well, he can stay late or go in early if he needs to without all the juggling. He earns 4x what I do (and I had a great salary) but has much more opportunity for future growth where I had zero interest in climbing the ladder. My husband and I have so much more quality time together too because I get all the house/kid stuff down during the day and he can come home to dinner and just relax in the evening. It all sounds very 1950's I know but I have to say I really love my life now. I'm starting a part time masters degree in the fall so I can have something on my resume if I decide to go back to work part time later when my youngest is in school. Kids are 6, 4 and 1. We have made sacrifices as well but totally worth it in my opinion. You only live once and sometimes you have to make decisions based on what your heart is telling you rather than your logical brain. Xx

That is all very well, assuming your marriage will last, not to mention how some men start treating the non-earning partner.

LauraMJ you have zero regrets now, but when your kids have gone to uni you might feel differently. It’s great that you’re doing further study but you’ll still be on a different ladder.
Everyone makes their own choices, and I’m enormously proud of my DC’s, but I’ve sacrificed my own career for them. I can live with that (mostly!) but everyone should understand what they’re doing. It can be a short term gain, and there could be other solutions.

Don’t underestimate the dent to your self esteem when you’re in your 50’s and you meet people socially, your DH is a senior professional and you’re not. Most people are lovely and praise your children’s achievements (‘they couldn’t have done that without you, you must be proud’), but they’re not my achievements.
I have done lots of things, pursued areas of interest paid and unpaid, gained some qualifications, volunteered, done some self-employed things. But I’m not where I probably would have been.

Could you split your hours another way so you do 5 hour days over 5? Maybe it’ll allow you more leeway for the school run and fewer clubs etc?

Also it sounds like you need more resource at work. Could you start recording the time you’re spending on your job? If you’re working full time hours but being paid 60% that is stressful so I’d present them with two options: you go back full time (which may help with nanny/au pair flexibility) or you reassign some of your duties so you’re actually working closer to your contracted hours.

Everyone occasionally pulls a string of monster weeks but if it’s consistent you need to address it.

Don't! Keep going!

You will be kicking yourself when you have three kids in school & no job... I know it because that's my situation.

I so feel for you OP.

It’s very hard to feel like you’re underperforming and I totally understand the urge to just drop one thing so you can
concentrate on the other.

But I think that would be something you regret in the end. You will never get a job like this again if you take a break.

Firstly, try to see where you can lower standards. I know this is hard, but for your own sanity it needs to be done. Remember that in striving to be the perfect employee and perfect mother you’re being set up to fail. No one can do that. Make your peace with it.

Watch your workload in work like a hawk. Find ways of pushing back so it’s reflective of your 60%. Work on delivering what’s good enough. It’s fine not to be employee of the year for a while.

At home, get a nanny, have a tough conversation with DH about stepping up and lower your standards here too. Your house doesn’t have to be spotless, all meals don’t have to be from scratch.

Carve out some time purely for yourself.

I’ve trued to do something similar. It’s not easy, but I’m a lot happier.

Can your dh alter his week so that he has 2 dedicated days (on days you work, of your 3 days) when he does everything? So he does all the rushing around, he does the medical appointments, he leaves work at 4:45 to do the 3 pick ups, with no flexibility for booking evening meetings and then he does his catch up on work in the evenings after dc have gone to bed. You have those days to stay longer at work and finish up your loose ends, so you can come home and be present and not rushing around those evenings. This is what we do and it makes life much easier. I work 3 long days/dh works 2 long days plus assorted weekends each year/the occasional 3rd long day in a week, so works out roughly even. Even if your dh had to put in a flexible working request or cut his hours or squeeze more working hours into weekday evenings, the pay cut (if there is one) would surely not be equivalent to your full salary.

Then can you simplify family life some? You said you both commute an hour. Can you move closer to work or change jobs to work closer to home? I have a long commute (much longer than an hour!) but dh works 15 minutes from home and when I WFH (2 days a week), I'm only 10 minutes from school and nursery for the school runs. Can your school age dc take the bus? Then you just collect younger one(s) and meet older ones at home, no running around doing 3 drop offs/pick ups.

I wouldn't give up your career. Dc won't always be little and career provides security that you will want in 10, 20, 30 years time when things are quieter and simpler and it's just the two of you.

I have worked in many roles and have no regrets about the time out I took in between these roles, when I needed to as I was pregnant withrelentless morning sickness and breastfeeding, then happily being main care giver at home.
I am very happy in my current career, but now am finding it being made redundant soon, so will be relying on qualifications and past experience changing roles to find alternative work. No position is forever and we are all replaceable in this age of austerity

Do not feel the decision is black and white It really depends on you and Dh, whether you both have support from family at all , and whether you can work as a team changing roles , decisions changing mortgage , timing, mental health, ages of children , etc, etc