To give up my career

[Isitreallyworthit]

Will try to keep this short!

I recently returned to work after DC3.
I work 3 days but in reality, I do a lot more (or should do a lot more). It’s a middle management role in a big company, very busy, but I guess it’s not the most stressful job I could have... I do put a lot of pressure on myself.
I’m constantly stressed with everything at home that goes with it, rushing here, there, dropping children at this club and that club, and we’ve had a lot of minor illness since DC3 started nursery. DH helps where he can with picks ups, washing etc. but I seem to have taken on the role of most things in the house and all the organisation for the children.
We have a cleaner who does the ironing also.

I’m unhappy. Constantly shouting at the children, arguing with DH, tired, stressed and bursting into tears. Today I called DD(5) something horrible, I say nasty things to everyone and I often have big regrets about having DC3. This is not me. I feel constantly on the edge when I’m due to be working. It’s always hanging over me and everything seems so overwhelming.
I’ve taken today off sick and to consider my options.

I want to just quit but financially it would be a stretch (we’ve just moved to a bigger house with a bigger mortgage), and I worked hard to get where I am.
But I know we can’t go on like this.

I have no idea what to do.
I considered a nanny but the thought of looking for one and interviewing seems so overwhelming. Plus the cost is high and I’d resent working so hard for so little take home. I totally get that it’s a short term pain and long term gain with keeping my foot in the foot, and pension contributions etc but I’m just sooo tired of this absolute slog of a life.

Just to note. I work in an area that is not particularly well paid. But I love it and value what I do. My husband also does not earn great money (in fact I earn more than him working p/t). We need 2 incomes to live our lives, pay the mortgage, holiday once a year (which we value highly), no posh card.

I appreciate what you say PPs and OP. But I am older now and see pals with kids leaving the nest and they are extremely disheartened about stepping off the ladder (not even the ladder, just the job market). God it was hard to keep up when kids were small but I am SO glad a persevered.

I've said this here before. I despair of talented 30somethings giving up their career for them to be side-stepped in roles by (sometimes) less talented men. I see it all the time. CLING ON OP.

I’d second everyone else’s comments re nanny. It completely changed working for me. I actually find working with younger teens much harder than little ones - everything is much more complicated so I’d really urge you to try to make it work now

You will be kicking yourself when you have three kids in school & no job... I know it because that's my situation.

I get that you're kicking yourself now but surely at the time it helped enormously?

If you’re full time, you just tell yourself you can’t do drop offs/pick ups as you’re using the breakfast/after school club

I'd disagree with altiara here. If op is already doing dropoffs and pickups she still likely would be full time - or they'd be with a nanny, but either way you can feel very guilty and sad if you're used to doing some yourself. And op already has the cleaner and ironing help that you mention, it wouldn't be an upside of full time. I think that two people full time only works if one isn't doing full time work PLUS all drop offs etc, or has a much easier full time job and/or if both are less concerned about the children having very limited time with their parents in the week.

I say this as someone in a full time senior job - it's manageable, just not the low stress option.

I'd also like to say to all the MNers who are saying if you step out of the job market you will never get back in. Well I've started a new career in my 50s, having been a SAHM for far too long. And in my particular role I don't see many limits, I have bosses who are in their 70s (and younger).

It’s possible to start a new career for sure (though it’s depressing to see how many highly educated women end up as TAs).

However, it will be immensely challenging for the OP to step back into what she has (senior role, part time hours).

What does your DH say about the prospect of solely supporting your family?

Nobody thinks you will be totally shut out of the job market FOREVER, but to get back to anything like what you had before you quit is hard. Very hard. You're overeducated and overqualified for low level roles, you're not competitive for higher level ones. You lose out on hundreds of thousands in pension contributions and salary increases, and the research is pretty unequivocal that many women never get back to the salary they were on when they quit, much less exceed it.

Oh it's so hard. Genuinely, i feel your pain but unfortunately i don't know that there is a simple answer.
As others have said, there are options around additional childcare, re-working home responsibilities, trying to care less about work, but fully appreciate that all of these have their pros and cons.
It's so hard when that income is relied upon and i've been in a similar situation so i do feel your pain.
Can't help feeling you'll give youself more difficulties in the long-term by giving up your career though. Obvs not knowing what your career is but do you have the option to freelance, or find some kind of consultancy contract work? Perhaps something you can pick up/leave as your home commitments fluctuate? Would give you a bit of breathing space while keeping your toe in?

This may sound counterintuitive but I think you should go back up to FT. You’re doing FT hours anyway squeezed into 3 days. You will have more money and can then pay for more help and your DH will have to do more as he can’t say ‘well you’re PT’. He’s also already stated that he doesn’t really support you becoming a SAHM so it’s not a viable option.

I love all the people on this thread saying 'I gave up work as money is sooooo not important to me' all the while their husbands are high earners.

Dont kid yourselves, you gave up work because financially you were able to. Not because you love your kids more than money

I’m starting a new career in my 30s with 2 young ds. I’m working 3 days currently but total spend 2-2.5hrs commuting each working day and often stay late because of my anxiety.

I’m hoping it will be more manageable with the stress even though I will be working 5 days instead of 3. DH is supportive and willing to ask for part time and i’m v lucky to have grandparents to help with childcare. Perhaps a middle ground of looking for a less intense/easier job might help? Look into different sectors too

Another saying dont do it.

Dont kid yourselves, you gave up work because financially you were able to. Not because you love your kids more than money

Agree

@LauraMJ describing kids as being 'dumped off' on nanny/clubs...nice attitude! Glad you are able to to enjoy the luxury of not working for a living while living off your DH. In the mean time many of us really have no choice but to 'dump off' our kids so have a little from me.

I would very much caution against full time.

The kind of job you have will spill over, it’s just the nature of it. If you’re contracted to five days it will spill over into your weekend, leaving you with less headspace and less time for the kids.

You need to figure out how to manage your workload to suit your 60% pay. It’s obvious you’re over delivering. You need to restrict your workload and stick to that. You’ll spill over a bit sure, but work on minimising that.

Speak to.gp
Maybe get signed off for.a week
Dont give up work.sick pay holiday pay without careful
Considerationfor.long term
Get more help at home or au pair to.help.with the running around
Insist dh does some.picks.ups drop.offs

If you have a decent income outsource more, you already have a cleaner who also irons, maybe at if you can pay her to do laundry too and get someone to do at least one school run a day from September (some childminders or nurseries offer this service) and stop working way beyond your paid contract. Working three days and not having to clean etc you shouldn't be as stressed as you say you are.

Why should she get signed off for a week? She isn’t sick she’s just juggling life like lots of us do.

OP, if you hated your job, and desperately wanted to be at home with your children, you might have a reason to look at giving up.

Your reasons are to solve a problem at home for everyone. Not a good reason.

You sound as if you enjoy your job, it isn't too taxing and you have good prospects ahead.

Definitely do not give up your job.

However, together with your husband, ye both need to put in place extra supports.

Financially this is a good investment long term.

Extra childcare, extra cleaning, an au pair, whatever you need to make this work, do it.

Do not give up your job to make things easier in the short term.

Focus on the long term with your job
and short term with extra supports to help you.

I think you should get a nanny and go back full time. I think juggling and trying to do everything is what is hardest.
I took the part time route and although it had its pluses I wouldn't make that choice again.
My dc are as fond of and have just as good a relationship with DH who worked full time all the time.
My friends who work full time get on just as well with their older dc and have their careers to focus on as dc move on and out.

I'd agree with billy. It can absolutely be a good decision to stop working sometimes, and people do have different views on work life balance. But in your case it sounds like the problem is the difficulty in making the job work more than the job itself. And the former might be fixable.

Rather than full time, how about shorter hours across more days? Also track your hours in a spreadsheet to see how many hours you are putting in. Increase your hours to the number you are actually doing.

I was lucky to have a great nanny for my girls until they were both in school. She had full driving license and did preschool pick up and brought the girls to hobbies. They were also fed by time I got home. She was worth very penny I paid her.

I think key is properly dividing up jobs - it clears up headspace much more than doing some each. So - could your DH do all of the laundry or all of the meal planning/grocery orders, for example?

I also think that if you're only working 3 days, he should be doing more than half of the pick ups and drop offs as he is getting two days a week totally clear of them. And not viewing these as optional but as proper commitments. Sure, if there is a genuine emergency, that's one thing but you shouldn't jump in to offer to do his pick ups and drop offs. Let him figure it out - I would guess he has female colleagues who manage.

Think 80:20 at work. Good enough is good enough. Delegate delegate delegate at work - find good juniors and push more down to them. They get stretch and you don’t lose your mind - WIN! Why work 5 days if you are paid for 3? Do you give clients loads of stuff for free? No so why give your employers lots of free stuff. Work to rule!

So I was in a similar place as you, except I was full time. It was OK when I had a very flexible job, but then I changed at it was 9-5.30 five days a week in the office and almost killed me. I managed to wangle an early finish on a Friday, but I'm actually leaving to go to a more flexible role.

Anyway, I hit a crunch point and hired a nanny via Gumtree. It has changed my life. She picks up from school three days a week, feeds them, does homework and drops at various clubs. I get home about 6pm and basically have two hours of time with my cherubs where I'm not stressed trying to squeeze everything in. My nanny is an older lady (desperate to be a gran but her kids aren't interested!) and is amazing.

I also have a cleaner every Friday.

But I agree with others, you have a good deal going, you need to 'lean in' to quote Cheryl Sandberg (and that book is a good read to motivate you). It won't always be this hard!

If you are a perfectionist, I would caution that that will just spill into being a SAHM if it’s in your nature. If you free up more home time as you’re not at work, you are in danger of becoming one of the mums obsessed with constantly perfecting your decor, perfect cupcakes for cake sales, spending way too long on homework, spending ages making World Book Day outfits, volunteering for everything going. Your perfectionism will need to find an outlet somewhere! The beauty of working part time is that work, house, kids school stuff is all just ‘good enough’.