To give up my career

[Isitreallyworthit]

Will try to keep this short!

I recently returned to work after DC3.
I work 3 days but in reality, I do a lot more (or should do a lot more). It’s a middle management role in a big company, very busy, but I guess it’s not the most stressful job I could have... I do put a lot of pressure on myself.
I’m constantly stressed with everything at home that goes with it, rushing here, there, dropping children at this club and that club, and we’ve had a lot of minor illness since DC3 started nursery. DH helps where he can with picks ups, washing etc. but I seem to have taken on the role of most things in the house and all the organisation for the children.
We have a cleaner who does the ironing also.

I’m unhappy. Constantly shouting at the children, arguing with DH, tired, stressed and bursting into tears. Today I called DD(5) something horrible, I say nasty things to everyone and I often have big regrets about having DC3. This is not me. I feel constantly on the edge when I’m due to be working. It’s always hanging over me and everything seems so overwhelming.
I’ve taken today off sick and to consider my options.

I want to just quit but financially it would be a stretch (we’ve just moved to a bigger house with a bigger mortgage), and I worked hard to get where I am.
But I know we can’t go on like this.

I have no idea what to do.
I considered a nanny but the thought of looking for one and interviewing seems so overwhelming. Plus the cost is high and I’d resent working so hard for so little take home. I totally get that it’s a short term pain and long term gain with keeping my foot in the foot, and pension contributions etc but I’m just sooo tired of this absolute slog of a life.

My dd is an older teen and I have a lot of friends and acquaintances with similar aged kids. A lot of them gave up work when kids were babies/toddlers and over the years I've seen many of them upset because they assumed they'd walk back into similar careers when the DC were older. And then they have teenagers and are struggling to get a temp Xmas job in Boots let alone walk back into the career they left behind.

I think I’d be less stressed going full time but I’ve got mixed feelings about it

I hear this a lot from my friends working part time. Honestly, it infuriates me. I've been 3 days, a sahm and now full time, and full time is SO much harder than the others.
Yes, right now you feel guilty and underdelivering, but you'll still feel guilty and underdelivering at work because you won't be able to stay late etc, the difference is that you will also feel far far more guilty and underdelivering for your family. I still take work home every night, I am rarely at school pickup and dropoff, and now any house jobs that used to be squeezed in on my days at home are now squeezed into the weekend or outsourced to someone who needs to be paid and who inevitably doesn't do it quite the way you would. It's so hard to find one on one time with DCs and my friendships are wasting away because I have zero time left for them.

Getting a nanny might eat up a lot of your net pay, but it will be much cheaper in the long run than the cost of a long career gap, or of the therapy for the lot of you if you remain so stressed! Also like a pp said, people tend to forget the importance of pensions, annual salary increase etc.

I would leap at a part time senior job in my sector, but though there is plenty going on, even 4 days is like gold dust. 3 days is the dream, do try to find a way to make it work!

Don't quit. Seriously look at what you can do to simplify your life. Can you cut back on play dates and weekday activities? With 3dc they will not all be able to do what they want. You may be expecting too much of yourself - trying to do loads for your family and also working over hours to be a fantastic worker.

Don't increase your hours. Your workload will increase and you'll have less time for family. I would really try to make it work with 3 days. I was 3 days and it was the perfect balance - now I work 4 days and it's harder! I'm not kidding myself it would be easier working ft!

Maybe set up auto-reply email for the two non- paid working days. Dont feel u have to reply on a non working day or do free email over time.

Definitely agree about the out of office - my signature block says ‘I work part time and am in the office on x, y, z. I will respond when I am back in the office’. You can’t be a martyr - a fear of missing out at work isn’t the same as people not leaving you alone!

Agree with others re working the hours you’re paid to work, not extra. Of course sometimes things crop up, but it should be the norm, not the exception, that you work your hours and no more.

Sounds like we are at a similar level - I do appreciate the challenge of the part time senior job...

I work 3 days spread over 4 IYSWIM (22 hours a week) wonder if that might work better for you? I only feel ‘behind’ for one day. My two are school age and I work 8-2. They go to school breakfast club, apart from that I don’t need childcare and I’m at the school gate at 3 every day. In the holidays I revert to 3 full days (or I’m on holiday like next week 😊).

It is all still a bit of a struggle but that’s more because I’m widowed. I’ve worked so hard to keep this job through everything and there’s no way I’m giving it up!

I really hope you find a better work-life balance - good luck, I’m sure you will.

Have you considered paying for an extra day of childcare for your youngest, and having that day to catch up on things at home/have a breather? It might not be any more expensive than getting a nanny for 3 days.

tunnocks nice to hear from you. Hope you’re okay.

Hi OP, I think the main thing to tackle is your workload at work. As others have said, you're being paid 60% and you need to make sure that your working hours reflect this! I work 3 days in a professional job. I do work more hours than the advertised number, but I work a LOT less than someone at my level who is full time. I think you've hit the nail on the head about being a perfectionist. You can't be a perfectionist in your situation!

As others have said, it's not easy to find a part time job at a senior level and you may find you miss it more than you expect if you give it up.

I work on a high pressure environment and we had the motto “good enough is good enough”. As long as your work is of a good standard you are not helping yourself or your employer by spending more time making it perfect.

I agree you should buy in some help for now.

Don’t work for free. I remember when one of our team assistants dropped to a 4 day week she said she could make herself available on her day off. I told her not to unless she was getting paid. I think it is hard to mentally ring fence the non working days but you have a right to do so.

I think I’d be less stressed going full time but I’ve got mixed feelings about it

Unlike stuck I agree with this. If you’re full time, you just tell yourself you can’t do drop offs/pick ups as you’re using the breakfast/after school club, you can’t do the housework so you get a cleaner/send out ironing, they can’t have friends round unless it’s a weekend. For some parents, there is no longer guilt anymore because you think about what you can do rather than attempting to fit everything in and failing. Not true for everyone but definitely it’s a valid viewpoint.

OP, I would definitely explore ways to stick this out so it works for you.
I absolutely think it’s right that you do the kids appointments on you’re non working days and it makes sense to organise the kids things as you are around more but not to completely take everything off DH, he can’t be an extra in family life. Neither can he demand X has to do swimming, grade 3 piano and football club without being there to facilitate it.
I would -
Drop some clubs (unless the school are running them if that helps with childcare).
Think about what working pattern would fit you, eg if you did a half day at home before 3 days in the office so you were paid to be on top of your work. Could you work other days at home so less travel? Or leave 30 mins earlier each day so you have 1.5 hours that you work at home (paid).
Are there childminders that will look after the kids and do school drop offs?
You don’t need to do playdates all the time.

Moving closer to work.
Seriously stop everything extra for a term and see how you feel then.
Not saying you can’t give up, but at least give it a go to make it work for you.

The reality is when you have dependent children, dual incomes are a very important safety net. If it was just your husband and you, you’d probably absolutely fine on one income. Ironically it is children that increase the need to aim for more financial security, not less. I’m a big supporter of women keeping their careers for this very reason. You never know what life will throw at you.

I also have to go against the grain. I had a wonderful. Very well paid job. I had to give it up and I travelled 9-11 months of the year. I made sure before I had children that I had had the career I wanted. Then I gave it all up to have children.

My husband earns more than I did now.

For me. Money isn’t worth happiness. It’s not even close. I would give it up again in a shot to now be a full time mummy. We don’t struggle financially.

I volunteer doing a job I adore. I go to all my kids things. I drop off and pick up. I spend all weekend with them. And I can dip in and out of work when I wish

Money can’t ever cover that for me.

Personally, I would go full time and expect parity of parenting from dh.

You are already losing out on your pension contributions.

So, full time, more from dh and buy in more help. Also, no need for kids to go to multiple clubs. Choose weekend ones do that dh can share the load. Don't be default thinker.

I think in your situation you need to pay for proper help.
A good Nanny who has a lot of experience and you can just leave the kids with, and she will do the play dates, school drop off and pick ups etc. I have known a few like this and they are absolutely wonderful and have enabled their parents to both work. And pay for Nannytax or someone else to sort out all the Tax etc. of employing a Nanny.
You also need to talk to your Employer and discuss the excess work load you are doing. Maybe you need more "help" there too? If one of your DC needs a lot of hospital appointments, I would get this written into any agreement as an on going "accommodation".

You do need to delegate - and be able to "forget about" the tasks you have delegated. Whether at work or home.

Ah the good old Mumsnet double standards yet again!
Can you imagine the very different responses a man would get if he worked part time and his wife worked full time? Would anyone be suggesting that his wife took on more of the load at home? I doubt it!
I work 3 days, dh does 5, so yes, I fully expect to shoulder way way more of the 'household duties' If you have a cleaner and someone who does the ironing, I'm afraid to say I'm struggling to see the issue? My full time working friends would love to drop a day or two!

It sounds like you have 3 under 5? That is never going to be anything other than very hard going, whatever the arrangements are. I would not assume that being a SAHP in that situation will be much/any easier.

As you have a part time professional and seemingly quite well paid job, I would not give this up unless there were really no other option. The period of time when they're so little is quite small in the grand scheme of things, you bank flexibility and experience you may well need later, and it makes much more sense from a tax perspective for both partners to work at least enough to use their personal allowance.

I'd agree part time is a lot harder when you're senior enough that relevant things happen when you're not there, but I think you need to at least try and make the adjustments in your own working arrangements and attitude. And I would also throw more money at the problem at least temporarily to see if it helps. How little would you be left with after a nanny is paid?

DH also needs to be doing more than it sounds like he is.

I would keep going and get all the help you can afford.
Lower your standards and prioritise yourself as much as you can without feeling guilty.
Delegate as much as you can.
I think you will regret not clinging on for these few years (I know it seems like forever at the time) as in the future you will be happy you did.

The idea to put little ones in childcare a bit more is a good one, I think. Even if just the older ones for half a day at a preschool.

Also you say "DH helps out where he can". Maybe firming this up could reduce your load. You shouldn't be default parent for drop offs and pick ups on days you both work. The default should be you do 50% each on those days. He needs to take your career and commitments as seriously as you do - in deed, not just word.

I find it so odd that in these situations the first solution seems to be some action on the woman's behalf, often giving up work. Surely, the first solution, is for your husband to pull his bloody finger out? It doesn't sound financially sensible to quit right now and it certainly doesn't sound like your DH is bearing anywhere near as much weight as he could.

Couple of more bits of advice. If you are being paid 3 days what happens to the 2 days of your salary? Don't let employers have that as a saving. Ensure that it is kept in your departmental budget. I negotiated extra casual staff paid for through this. It probably equals more than 2 days work for a new starter or trainee. That means the team you have get additional support. (I did feel guilty about being p/t and probably overcompensated by being a perfectionist too. On the other hand god I LOVED my day off/with them - I kept it even after they went to school. It was GREAT).

Please hold tight. It is so easy to say it's good my husband earns a fortune and what is money anyway. But work is self-preservation, pride, satisfaction, self-worth. The kids grow up so fast. What do you have when they are off living their own lives?

To be fair to the husband, he wasn't in favour of the OP leaving work, although there was no mention of him dropping early/late meetings either.

But, OP, the thing is that we don't have to be perfect. It's fine if some balls are dropped some times. And it's fine to pass on more responsibility to the partner or hired help. And it's fine to say no to some tasks at work too.

This is so personal and basically comes down to what you value most. I gave up a good career to raise children because, like a previous poster, I value time and space and I’m not too bothered about material things. It’s the best decision for me and my family. However, if financial independence and identity through work is really important, then of course it’s better to stay in work, being at work would not give you what you need. This sounds a bit loaded, but it’s really not supposed to be. I just think people are happier if their life most aligns to their values and what beings them pleasure / happiness / contentment.

But work is self-preservation, pride, satisfaction, self-worth. The kids grow up so fast. What do you have when they are off living their own lives?

You see, I completely disagree. For me, work was money. And I earned a lot of it (by MN standards, a hell of a lot of it). But it’s the time that I’ve had with my kids that’s given me whatever the words you want to choose to represent self actualisation. And, as you say, they grow up so fast.....and I’m so, so glad that I haven’t missed out on any of that time.

I’m rather fatalistic about life. We’re all going to die. We’re off to oblivion; we’ll be remembered for a generation or two by our own families and that’s it. So life is for living, If you’re enjoying your job and it provides you with the satisfaction etc that others decide, then great. If it really doesn’t and you feel that you’d prefer to spend time with your kids, then look at seeing if you can make that work financially.

But work is self-preservation, pride, satisfaction, self-worth..

It is for some, but not for others. It certainly isn’t for me. That’s why the OP needs to work out what makes her tick.