To give up my career

[Isitreallyworthit]

Will try to keep this short!

I recently returned to work after DC3.
I work 3 days but in reality, I do a lot more (or should do a lot more). It’s a middle management role in a big company, very busy, but I guess it’s not the most stressful job I could have... I do put a lot of pressure on myself.
I’m constantly stressed with everything at home that goes with it, rushing here, there, dropping children at this club and that club, and we’ve had a lot of minor illness since DC3 started nursery. DH helps where he can with picks ups, washing etc. but I seem to have taken on the role of most things in the house and all the organisation for the children.
We have a cleaner who does the ironing also.

I’m unhappy. Constantly shouting at the children, arguing with DH, tired, stressed and bursting into tears. Today I called DD(5) something horrible, I say nasty things to everyone and I often have big regrets about having DC3. This is not me. I feel constantly on the edge when I’m due to be working. It’s always hanging over me and everything seems so overwhelming.
I’ve taken today off sick and to consider my options.

I want to just quit but financially it would be a stretch (we’ve just moved to a bigger house with a bigger mortgage), and I worked hard to get where I am.
But I know we can’t go on like this.

I have no idea what to do.
I considered a nanny but the thought of looking for one and interviewing seems so overwhelming. Plus the cost is high and I’d resent working so hard for so little take home. I totally get that it’s a short term pain and long term gain with keeping my foot in the foot, and pension contributions etc but I’m just sooo tired of this absolute slog of a life.

Get a nanny or an au pair.
Could an agency help you with this?
Don't give up your job.
Sounds like DH needs to help a bit more too.

If you get a nanny, will the plan be to keep DC3 at nursery, or will nanny look after DC3 and then do pick ups/drop offs?

Or will you get someone before/after school/nursery? If you do before/after school, could you get someone before/after school every day of the week, not just the 3 nights, to give you a bit of a breather? Said person can entertain kids whilst you cook dinner (or vice versa) and generally be a spare pair of hands. May be cheaper than a nanny, but better for what you need right now.

My DH has always said he values the people in his team who have are in situations like yours (have to stick to fixed hours) because they’re usually really focused in the time they do have. It’s the ones that think having your jacket on the back of your chair is the same as being at work that are the problem.

Laura, this is really interesting as summarises how I think I will feel if I do hand my notice in.
Do you mind me asking how long ago you stopped work?
It’s so difficult to predict what the future holds and how I’d feel about this decision in the future.

These threads often involve having a go at the DH (they’re his kids too! etc) but the reality for many, and for me, is that DH earns 4 times what I do, it would make no sense for him to go part time or take a step back at work. So taking into account that maybe you are the one doing the house-min and kid-min, you need to make your life work for you. GET A NANNY. Then you leave the house in the morning and get home in the evening to bathed and fed kids. Therefor massively reducing your stress at the beginning and end of the day. Nurseries are so expensive where we are that once you have 2 kids a nanny is cheaper anyway! They can also do kids washing and meal prep. I have a friend who refuses to get a nanny so has a constant stress with cobbled together random childcare and trying to do work with the kids at home etc - she saves on childcare but spends loads on clothes! Guess it’s about your priority. My priority is to be able to have a calm start to the day and evening for me and the kids so nanny is money well spent.

Also, be realistic about what you’re doing at work. I work with people who are full time and I reckon my 3 day output is probably about equal to their 5 days as I don’t faff - I just get on with it so I can go home. I don’t mean to be harsh, but often when you are 3 days you are not at the front of the promotion queue anyway (sad but true) so who does it benefit if you are working yourself into the ground?

Married life is so different when one of you doesn’t work at all, especially when you have previously had a satisfying job. We tried it briefly and it was a disaster!

I stopped, because I was struggling like you are now. I did have a complete bitch of a boss at the time which helped focus my mind. The children were amazing when I needed to explain to them that we couldn't just go off and do x, y and z like we used to now I was home all the time as we didn't have so much money. They understood immediately and were happy to choose which treat/activity they really wanted to do. They loved having me there and not having to juggle childcare was such a relief for all of us.

I've never returned to the same level career wise, but I have done different things and feel content and fulfilled. The benefit to my family has been immense and I feel well worth the financial sacrifice. Swanky new cars, the latest home decorating fashions and several expensive breaks/holidays a year are not the be all and end all. But perhaps they're more important to you than me? My main concern for you would be what will happen about your pension contributions/savings if you do stop work?

@CrotchetyQuaver I’m with you in that expensive breaks etc are not the be all and end all.
Pension and savings do worry me but I would aim to get back into work once my youngest is a bit older. I don’t think I’d get back at the same level but I’m not averse to trying something completely new.

I'm a sahm but if I had a 3 day per week job at a decent level then I would not leave it.

A childminder can help you do pick up and drop offs, as can a au pair or nanny. You still have options so I would not leave until I had exhausted all options.

I am happy with my lot in life but I do not have a pension and it will be state pension and downsizing for my retirement.

Also marriages do end so if I was you right now, I would get help but stay in my job.

There is no right or wrong answer. In my field I've had friends and colleagues who have struggled on and others who have quit and feel it was worth the sacirfice. I agree with the comment no one is indespencible in this age of austerity and there is little appreciation and loyalty from employers.

I agree with looking to the future but not at the expense of what is happening today. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow

How would you feel about finding a mother's help for a couple of hours some nights?

A friend with 3 children did this, just while they were little, and it saw her over the hump. Much less management and commitment than a nanny. Maybe a 6th former or uni student.

Ultimately you do need to safeguard your mental health - PPs are quite right to look at the long term but you need to cope day to day, too. But resigning is the nuclear option and there are others - extra help, GP, sabbatical, different role

Swanky new cars, the latest home decorating fashions and several expensive breaks/holidays a year are not the be all and end all. But perhaps they're more important to you than me?

I'm very glad that you feel stopping work has been beneficial for you, but perhaps you could be less patronising about people who do work? There's always someone who has to go on about how they, unlike career women, really value the important things in life that money can't buy and not shallow fripperies, like every dual-career couple is neglecting their children in favour of earning enough for dual Porsches.

Which 3 days are you working? And why are you working 'a lot more'?

"it’s everything that goes with it and the working until 11.30 to just keep on top"

Swanky new cars, the latest home decorating fashions and several expensive breaks/holidays a year are not the be all and end all. But perhaps they're more important to you than me?

I agree with Cressida, Crotchety this is really rude & patronising to all the 2 parent working families in this country who do it because we need to, not for swanky cars. If you can survive on one income great, but it's an increasingly rare luxury for people with young families. I've been knocking about at the school gate for 8 years now and I have 1 friend who's a SAHM. One. And actually she's the one with the swankiest car!!

Swanky new cars, the latest home decorating fashions and several expensive breaks/holidays a year are not the be all and end all. But perhaps they're more important to you than me?

Seriously you can fuck right off with this crap.

I work so that my family will be as secure as it’s possible to be, my children will have the best possible start and avail of all opportunities and that I will never be reliant on others for support.

These things may not be important to you, but they are to me.

If you're prepared to consider radical changes, which you clearly are, have you first looked at radical changes to enable you to maintain your career?

Why are you working so late? It's not a productive way to work. Remember the old 80/20 rule? 80% of the results come from 20% of the effort...

If you had to charge them for all this overtime you're doing, that wouldn't be commercial. So you need to think about how close to perfection you strive before the effort you are expending ceases to be commercial. You need to have a threshold at which you recognise that actually, this is perfectly good and I am not going to gain enough from spending the next 6 hours striving for perfection to justify continuing.

Also, in terms of managing your time and workload, apply the 4Ds and decide which of the following courses of action to take with any task:

Do it yourself
Dump it
Delegate it
Do it less well

You can't carry on like this, but the ways you're working aren't sustainable long term anyway. So making changes now are to your long term benefit - you would need to figure out how to let your perfectionism go at some point if you were to leave and return to the workplace later, it may as well be now.

It sounds like your employer is supportive (they've agreed a 3 day week for starters) - I would be very reluctant to throw that away without making a valiant effort to look at how I could make the changes I needed for it to work for me long term.

I tend to sort all the childcare, health appointments, their clothes, parties, play dates as it’s been easier for one person to manage this, especially as I take them on my non working days so I’m not sure how easy it would be to split...

It's clearly not easier or you wouldn't be at breaking point. Do you have a family calendar, if not get one. Sync your calendars on your phones, so if one person sets up a play date the other can see it.

Sit down and discuss a better allocation between the two of you. Talk through how you can split tasks so you're not carrying the entire burden of planning and thinking and monitoring, even if you still do a lot of the running around part.

Think creatively. Be willing to explore ideas you'd normally dismiss. They might lead to a better solution.

Have sent DH a link to this thread and we’re sitting down tonight to aim to split up some jobs and draft a job description for a Nanny.
Some things like play dates, DH wouldn’t have a clue, and he is just not around midweek to host these. I certainly don’t want him arranging stuff on my non working days that I have to host. We don’t do many anyway. Food shopping and meal planning, then yes, he needs to up his game.
Washing we split equally, cleaning is sorted with the cleaner and we both do top ups as and when needed.

We’ve recently had quite a few hospital appointments with DD but I usually rearrange these for a day I’m not at work... I wouldn’t expect DH to take her unless it was on a day we were both working. In that case he would.

With what I do at work I think I am quite efficient...I like the 4 D approach though and will make a note on my laptop. (Thanks for that!)
One reason I work late is I often leave early or arrive late so feel I need to (possibly, over) compensate, and no one else works 3 days so projects and email chains progress whilst I’m out, and I either need to spend time catching up before my 3 days start or keep checking my phone. I’m disciplined
Luckily I don’t manage anyone, but I do support teams and projects across all time zones, which does not help.

Perhaps the 3 days just doesn’t suit my personality. I really find it hard to not care.

Anyway, thank you for all the ideas and support. Much appreciated. Now to make some decisions!!

I hope you work it out - I regret giving up a well paid job but had no choice and while I now enjoy my current position I do look at contemporaries who used to be my line reports and are are far more senior and am a little green

I don't know the financial disparity, but instead of you dropping 3 days, could your DH not drop 1? He could use that day to pick up a greater share of the housework.

Another suggestion - sit down for an hour in the evening before your three days at work, and read through all your new emails. You don't need to respond to any there and then, but just knowing where all your projects have progressed to will save the stressful start to your work each week.

You need to get out of the ‘catch up’ mentality. You are employed and paid to work 3 days of the week. So you are not behind on a Monday just because you weren’t there on a Friday. You weren’t obliged to do anything on the Friday. People will respect you working a 3 day week if you respect it yourself. As soon as you start apologizing for not being there or for not haven’t looked at something, then you make a rod for your own back. And it makes it harder for others who are trying to work 3 days. You are only PAID for 3 days!!

coco 100% agree.

I think you should consider more support before you decide to take a break from a career, it's often nearly impossible to get back to the level you are now. Could you look at an au pair or a nanny share? Does the local college train childcare workers - if they do they may have some people who are due to leave who would like part-time work. Be kinder to yourself too and share the load more. The children need two involved parents, not one.

I really and truly think it can be easier to "officially" work more days and get more pay which enables you to throw money at childcare and the house than to be p/t sometimes. I do 4 days and I find that works for me, but I am strict about never working on my "off" day or apologising for not working and I try to prioritise ruthlessly. I truly think I generally get the same amount done as many f/t people. I think it's hard to do 3 days if you have any real responsibility because things inevitably have to move on when you're out. Some people do genuinely find it less stress to work FT and get the pay, then you also have more money for a nanny and cleaner etc. I have a nanny and she is worth her weight in fucking gold.

Good luck. I hope you can find a better balance.

Interestingly when I went down to 3 days I said if there was ever a business need I was happy to do the overtime and then just get paid extra for that or do a day less the next month. Unsurprisingly they never took me up on it!! Of course if I had just done extra work for nothing then no one would have stopped me.

I also agree with coco.

You need to take a long, hard look at what working 3 days actually means. And then figure out how to make it work for you.

You’re paid at 60% and your workload needs to reflect this.

Don’t get me wrong, 3 days in a senior role is a brilliant deal. I can’t think of better. Which is why you need to put serious effort into making it work.