To give up my career

[Isitreallyworthit]

Will try to keep this short!

I recently returned to work after DC3.
I work 3 days but in reality, I do a lot more (or should do a lot more). It’s a middle management role in a big company, very busy, but I guess it’s not the most stressful job I could have... I do put a lot of pressure on myself.
I’m constantly stressed with everything at home that goes with it, rushing here, there, dropping children at this club and that club, and we’ve had a lot of minor illness since DC3 started nursery. DH helps where he can with picks ups, washing etc. but I seem to have taken on the role of most things in the house and all the organisation for the children.
We have a cleaner who does the ironing also.

I’m unhappy. Constantly shouting at the children, arguing with DH, tired, stressed and bursting into tears. Today I called DD(5) something horrible, I say nasty things to everyone and I often have big regrets about having DC3. This is not me. I feel constantly on the edge when I’m due to be working. It’s always hanging over me and everything seems so overwhelming.
I’ve taken today off sick and to consider my options.

I want to just quit but financially it would be a stretch (we’ve just moved to a bigger house with a bigger mortgage), and I worked hard to get where I am.
But I know we can’t go on like this.

I have no idea what to do.
I considered a nanny but the thought of looking for one and interviewing seems so overwhelming. Plus the cost is high and I’d resent working so hard for so little take home. I totally get that it’s a short term pain and long term gain with keeping my foot in the foot, and pension contributions etc but I’m just sooo tired of this absolute slog of a life.

Don't do it.

I did,for the exact same reasons and I regret it every day.

I think that giving up a career and a part time senior job because you are stressed about juggling it all is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. As PP said, it's not like you've always wanted to be at home when it WOULD be the answer to the problem of you hating having to work because your true passion was SAH. Your kids will get more independent and the pressure will ease, but you will never get another senior 3 day a week job if you quit now, or quite possibly another senior job at all.

I also have to agree that you are too stressed for someone who works 3 days and has a cleaner and ironing done, which does strongly suggest the problem is not that you are - officially at least - working too much. Don't fall into the trap of doing FT hours for PT pay.

Having your commute on top is the killer isn't it? I think you need to stop back a bit.

Could you look for an after school nanny? I used to employ an older woman whose children were grown up to pick my DC up from school, feed them/ taken them to clubs and generally do evening stuff until I got home (usually about 7). If I had to be later she just put them to bed and stayed until I got home and was paid more for those occasional longer hours.

She was not a professional nanny, I advertised in the local paper for an experienced mum and had several applicants, but I knew she was the right one straight away.

It suited us both very well, she loved the children and they her and she stayed with us for years and we are still in touch. I never felt guilty being late because (i) I had a certain amount of leeway built in and (ii) she had time and patience to spend with the DC at the end of the day which I certainly didn't have. I felt they benefited from being with her.

step back FGS!

If you give up your job, then the financial pressure falls on your DH. Then he'll be the one stressed and shouting...except it'll be worse with no money.

He'll very likely end up being resentful about it, even if he doesn't say it ...which leads to marital problems.

I've seen a few relationships suffer in these circumstances.

I wouldn't give up my career. It's hard to get back into work and it leaves you fully financially dependent.

Wow! Thanks for all the responses. It’s allowed me to take a step back and see the situation from another perspective, rather than in the thick of it.

I can’t respond to everything but some thoughts...

Full time is not an option I personally want to do at this point. I really enjoy and appreciate the extra time I can spend with DC, and although I do think work would be less stressful, family time would be cut and for our family it wouldn’t work.

The commute absolutely has an effect on the situation, but I’m unlikely to find a similar role closer that is part time. Intention is to move companies when I can go back up to 4 or 5 days once all are at school.

Re: perfectionist at work. I take on board what you’re saying, but rather than spending hours on a single piece of work, it’s more the sheer volume of things to do and things I’m involved in that require an understanding. I will discuss again with my manager as I’m currently spread too thin with no direct reports to delegate to. I push back where I can, but i need to work on this too.

Re: enjoying the job. I do enjoy what I do, but my current manager is poor and appears to have ‘checked out’. She’s in a completely different time zone which doesn’t help the situation. I’m hesitant to escalate this as a problem but I have raised my concerns to her and if I don’t see an improvement soon I guess I have to discuss with the head of our department (her manager).
Comments around part time roles being over looked for promotion or the exciting projects are very true in my case. This doesn’t help with my feelings about work.

The few comments about not really seeing the problem.. these came across as a bit judgmental and not at all helpful. Perhaps they weren’t intended that way and I could go into everything that I’ve got on my plate at the moment but I’ll leave it there. I guess everyone reacts differently and I commend you for coping so well.

There have been a lot of comments about DH and he’s read the thread and definitely taken on board he needs to do more of the thinking and actual tasks. We are working out what to do here. He’s honestly not that bad! He works full time in a stressful job so I wouldn’t expect things to be split 50:50. Financially it just does not make sense for him to drop a day, but he is going to buy more holiday next year which will help a bit and he does often leave early or wfh when he can.

Main decision is that we are now looking for a nanny. I’ve had interest from a few and they sound great. So, I am going to give it a go! I agree that I’d never find this level of role part time.. I need to work and sort a few things but I feel more focussed on where the issues are.
I was totally ready to draft my notice... not totally ruled out but will try to resolve the situation and make it easier first!!

That’s great news OP, I hope you find a good nanny. You sound a lot more enthused about life!

Great update!

I don't think anyone was suggesting that your DH should do 50:50 - but I think there's a big difference between someone who "helps" with 30% of stuff and someone who takes ownership of and does 30% of stuff.

There have been a lot of comments about DH and he’s read the thread and definitely taken on board he needs to do more of the thinking and actual tasks. We are working out what to do here. He’s honestly not that bad! He works full time in a stressful job so I wouldn’t expect things to be split 50:50. Financially it just does not make sense for him to drop a day, but he is going to buy more holiday next year which will help a bit and he does often leave early or wfh when he can.

It is worthwhile you both learning a bit about the concept of "wifework" which is all that "admin" type stuff that wives often get dumped on them - but which can become overwhelming when you are already busy. So when everyone contacts the wife to get ideas of Christmas presents for the children, etc. And if you are getting a Nanny - make sure she is someone you would feel comfortable with arranging playdates etc. without contacting you (unless she judges she should consult you).

Re: perfectionist at work. I take on board what you’re saying, but rather than spending hours on a single piece of work, it’s more the sheer volume of things to do and things I’m involved in that require an understanding. I will discuss again with my manager as I’m currently spread too thin with no direct reports to delegate to. I push back where I can, but i need to work on this too.

I can totally relate to this. When you're full-time, you have more opportunities to go to all the team/department meetings, chat to people in the kitchen and in the lift, overhear conversations at the next bank of desks. All of that allows you to absorb information and keep up with what's going on. When you're part-time you're less likely to spend time on that informal engagement with colleagues, not just because you physically aren't around as much but also because when you ARE in the office you feel pressure to be making the most of every single second to get that report finished/send those emails/review thay draft contract (or whatever). So you have to make a much more active effort to keep track of what you need to know - which is itself a drain on your time!

Having a part-time senior role is only a great deal if you've got management who are understanding and willing to adjust their expectations to reflect your part-time hours. If not, I think it's a terrible deal! Good luck with your manager - it's her responsibility as well as yours to make this work.

Genuinely I think it's so tough unless one person takes main responsibility for the children.

With my third child my husband took shared parental leave when baby no 3 was 3 months. A luxury in this day and age (it shouldn't be),

He understood a lot of the struggle many of us felt. It shouldn't be so difficult to convey the mental load. But it is because most families don't do do this. It is inevitable that the person who takes on this burden continues it after a return to work. A shame really but how can you get people to understand this without experience? Impossible.

Linking to the mental load cartoon, for anyone who hasn't seen it.

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

the Mental Load book is excellent. I bought it a while ago and my DD19 was sitting in the sofa with it. I was tidying up and offered her a cup of tea. She looked at me and said ‘oh god, I see it now’