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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you whether you had any issues with your surname being different on your passport to your children's?

112 replies

CheshireDing · 22/07/2019 22:05

DH and I have been married 10 years, I didn't want to change my surname on marriage but DH said otherwise it was 'no deal'. I wasn't happy about it and went along with it because I loved him, wanted to marry him etc etc.

Anyway fast forward to now and I still do not feel happy using my married surname. I kept my surname at work anyway and my signature has never changed (as both surnames as roughly the same characters in length). All my friends know me as my original surname (maiden name), my FB is my maiden name/email is etc. Over time I changed a couple of my bank accounts to my married surname but as I said I have always kept the same surname at work.

I have now done a Deed Poll and got my driving licence back in my maiden name, I have sent it off to the bank to change my surname back and have changed it on silly things like Ebay/Amazon etc. I prefer my maiden surname, I don't really like my married surname (which I know sounds bad as it's the children's surname) but it's not really 'me'.

I am wondering what to do about my passport though. I have read in the past on mn though that people say it is easier at airports if you have the same surname as your children.

Is this REALLY true though ?!

Also what surname would I have on my gravestone Hmm random I know but this is why I now don't know what to do.

Help me lovely mumsnetters Smile

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady159 · 22/07/2019 22:09

I have the same surname as my dd but my best friend and her son (10) have different surnames - she's never been stopped at the airport when we've gone abroad ( we go together quite often)
She's always carries his birth certificate / a copy of it just incase but has never had to show it so far - we've only been to Europe with the kids though

However, my dd's dad took dd away - they have different surnames - and he had problems

Wellhellothere101 · 22/07/2019 22:13

I got married 15 years ago and didn’t change my surname on anything. Have gone abroad with DS around 9 times and it’s never been even a slight issue. No one has ever mentioned it. We go to LA every year and even border control in the US have never mentioned it.

PooWillyBumBum · 22/07/2019 22:15

I have a different surname to DD and when I take her abroad alone I always stash her birth certificate (which shows my maiden name). I’ve never been asked to show it though.

WisestIsShe · 22/07/2019 22:16

We always get questioned but only on the way home because that's where UK border force are. They ask teenage ds who were are in relation to him and where we've been, etc. They are happy once I produce his birth certificate which showed the link between us.

Original poster
CheshireDing · 22/07/2019 22:18

Thank you !

America was one of the countries I was concerned about, knowing what it's like at border control there anyway.

OP posts:
JoJoSM2 · 22/07/2019 22:18

I’ve got friends with different surnames and they carry birth certificates and they do get checked.

Grobagsforever · 22/07/2019 22:19

I am INCREDIBLY disturbed by your post, you married a man who otherwise wouldn't marry you unless you agreed to change your name? Is he a vile controlling wank badger in other ways?

I have a different surname to my children because my husband wasn't a cave man. I just pack their birth certificates, only ever been asked once. It's a non issue.

CollaterlyS1sters · 22/07/2019 22:19

@CheshireDing DH and I have been married 10 years, I didn't want to change my surname on marriage but DH said otherwise it was 'no deal'. I wasn't happy about it and went along with it because I loved him, wanted to marry him etc etc.

I am absolutely shocked that you would marry a man who is so controlling and nasty. Why the hell is it up to him to dictate that you should change your name?

What a disgusting excuse for a man he is.

I'm glad you are reclaiming your own name. I would say change your children's surnames too, but given your H's history, clearly that's not going to be an option.

my kids are double-barrelled so although they don't have the same surname as me or my husband, their surname includes both of ours. I've never had any trouble travelling with them.

Grobagsforever · 22/07/2019 22:21

@CollaterlyS1sters thank goodness I thought I was in a parallel universe as no other posters were alarmed by this!

happinessischocolate · 22/07/2019 22:23

I've been to Australia, France, Greece and Spain with my 2 dc who have a different surname to me and have never had any problems. Australian passport control asked if they were my children, I said yes and that was it, move along.

Went to Spain with several single parents and their kids who all had different surnames to their parents and none of us were asked.

CherrySocks · 22/07/2019 22:23

No I never had a problem with this. Never even occurred to me. Although was with husband /father of children and they had his surname.

CollaterlyS1sters · 22/07/2019 22:23

I thought the same! Was very glad to see your post, at the same time as mine.

Horrific that there are men like this, and women going along with it. Sad

celtiethree · 22/07/2019 22:24

I’ve never had a problem. I’ve also never taken their birth certificate though I can see why you would. Recently on leaving a country I was asked ‘are they your DC?’ I confirmed yes and that was it. Now they are older and can speak for themselves I don’t see it as a problem.

TheRedBarrows · 22/07/2019 22:24

Grobags, you can also have the same name as your kids by giving them your surname Wink

OP, how dare he tell you that you had to use his name!

How old are the kids? Difficulty never seems to be worse than passport control saying to the kids “who is that’l. Answer “mummy”, all sorted.

rockingchaircandle · 22/07/2019 22:26

I've been stopped coming back into the UK/ Ireland a few times. My surname is my daughter's middle name (she has her dad's surname) and is on her passport, often that's enough.

Sometimes they ask for her birth cert, but I've shown a picture of it on my phone before. My daughter has an Irish passport (bit jealous!) whereas mine is British, might have been a factor. I've heard friends of friends have had problems too though.

Seems daft when her auntie (her dad's sister) has the same surname so could presumably abscond with her merrily.

kellyb220982 · 22/07/2019 22:26

It has been known to be a problem especially when trying to get back into the UK. I asked the same question at border control once as until this year my passport surname was different to my children’s and they advised I carry proof they were mine if we ever travelled without their dad - who had the same surname! Likewise if my parents were taking them in/out of the country and they were once stopped from going through passport control with our kids when we were further down the queue. Think it all depends if you get an over zealous official and they can go on how similar you look/ask the kids who you are etc. Whilst I used my maiden name, it really stuck in my throat that both I and my parents were recommended to travel with a letter from dad giving permission because of the surname difference, yet his parents were less likely to run in problems because they shared the same name!

Seeingadistance · 22/07/2019 22:26

In Scotland women traditionally have their own, maiden or birth, surname on their gravestones, even if they had taken their husband's name.

NCforthis2019 · 22/07/2019 22:26

Yup my kids are double barrelled and I am not - I always get questioned if they are mine and asked when their birthdays are. Bizarre. Once the offices asked me if my son was mine - I was breastfeeding him at the time 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

Grobagsforever · 22/07/2019 22:27

@TheRedBarrows I know but DH died just before youngest born so his surname is a really important connection for both of my daughters. Had life been different I probably would have insisted on my name for the kids.

Seeingadistance · 22/07/2019 22:27

Btw, your husband is a prick for insisting you change your name. I wouldn't have married him.

Henrysmycat · 22/07/2019 22:28

It’s a lot worst for me.
Different surnames (kept my maiden name), Different passport (kept my EU country one),
Different looks (DD looks like a willowy English Rose like my English DH while I look definitely Mediterranean and short to boot).
I lost count of the amount of times we got stopped. US Florida and Greece were the absolute worst. In Greece we were detained until my DH faxed them additional papers. (Try and find a fax machine in 2018, thank God Hilton local hotel were extremely helpful). We missed our flight but to their defence, they had many traffick incidents and DD was considered what was “most popular” then.
I carry my DH declaration and her birth certificate but we still get checked. She’s grown up now but when DD was under 10, it was a nightmare.

RhodaDendron · 22/07/2019 22:28

The only time I was stopped with my DD was travelling back from France alone. I just had to show her birth certificate. It was slightly unsettling but not really a problem at all.

user1471547789 · 22/07/2019 22:28

Another one who has been stopped coming back into the UK when travelling with DC with a different surname.

SteamSoup · 22/07/2019 22:29

I moved to Germany just before giving birth to dc1. I was married to dcs dad, taken his name but not got round to updating the name on my passport (so didn't match dcs) I travelled back to England a few times when dc was a baby to visit family and went by ferry (via the Netherlands). I had no end of trouble. I was taken to one side and questioned about if it was my baby, did other parent know I was taking baby etc and then had to stand there and wait while they called a missing person's database I guess and check my child hadn't been reported as missing. Hmm it was horrible, I even took dcs birth cert and my marriage cert on one of the trips but they still did all the checks and questions.

nauseous5000 · 22/07/2019 22:29

I wasn't married but DD shares exP's name. It's horrible travelling as I need to carry permissions and birth certs etc and if he didn't give written permissions we might not be able to travel anywhere... it's v one sided, but you might be ok as you're together and he's reasonable