To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

Presents are about the recipient not the giver.

Nope.

@Tavannach so you give presents to people for your own benefit? What's the point?

It's unkind and petty to give a gift but refuse to give a gift that you know they'd like.

@15YemmenRoad and @bignicetree totally agree! That cannot be a serious suggestion!!? Just ask for a doubly expensive meal?!
Another vote for just give them money. What you think about their spending isn't relevant. It will however bite them on the bum at some point I'm sure.

I'm going to go against the grain. While I am often happy to give money as I am very lazy...you don't want to for whatever reason so don't. Mumsnet is always telling people not to do something they don't want to do...so don't give money if you don't want to. Just get them a thoughtful gift - maybe something they could use on their honeymoon? Mrs and Mrs Beach towels maybe? A voucher for a spa treat at the hotel they are staying at?

I am in the same position as the couple mentioned (In as much as we are asking for money for wedding gifts).

We live together already. We already have everything we need. And we really can't afford a honeymoon.

What's so wrong with giving something that the happy couple actually want?

It sounds more like you disapprove of their lifestyle and this, coupled with your already stuffy attitude of not wanting to give money as a gift means that you can be particularly judgy and make a big deal over their big day.

I never get the angst over wedding gifts. If you are going to dinner at a friend house you take chocolates/wine/flowers whatever so what’s the difference! £20/£200 in a card - whatever. Why stress over what to get them. They want ££ easy peasy. But I’m lazy.

You are very odd. You are placing judgements on what other people want. You are happy to buy a gift, just not buy part of a honeymoon. That is so weird of you. Buy them what they want not what YOU deem to be a virtuous gift. Get off your high horse. You may as well say you don't want to buy them any gift as they could afford everything themselves if they budgetted. You don't seem to understand what giving is.

I never give money at a marriage if asked.

I will give it if not asked, but if he bride and groom are so crass as to ask for cash then they get a vase or similar.

speakout so what about people from cultures where cash is usual & presents are crass? In my culture giving a present is usually Regarded as crass (though that’s changing somewhat) & cash is usual.

I can see the problem. They are crap with money and therefore it feels like a wasted present.
Would be like buying the posh glassware of the list for a couple who are notoriously clumsy. Sure it’s useful to them ( they’ve smashed the rest) but you know they’ll break them.

Not a fan of money as a gift. Speaking as someone who got invited a lot as a singleton.£20 a head enough? The “ covering your plate” bollocks? Who knows.

Get them a nice bottle of something if they drink. Either fizz for now or a bottle that will age to open on an anniversary.

I think £40.00 is too much.I'd give them £10.00 or a fiver if it was a work person.

*never give money at a marriage if asked.

I will give it if not asked, but if he bride and groom are so crass as to ask for cash then they get a vase or similar.*

How ridiculous, you sound like you're just being awkward. What a difficult game for the bride and groom to play?

When people ask us what we want, let's not say cash even though it's what we want, then maybe we will get cash!

OP, you've been invited, you're prepared to buy a gift so just give the money to the same value. It's not for you to police their spending.

I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway

Shocker.

If it has to be cash I like it to be towards something specific and not the general pot.

Ironically that might be the most “special snowflake” sentence I’ve ever read.

Give them the money; they don’t want objects and if you’re going to spend money on them why would you buy them something they don’t need/want. I don’t really see what their lifestyle has to do with it; when you’re a guest at a wedding you give a gift and why not make it what they want.

Um... the bride and groom know the value of the things on their wedding list. So they know if you’ve spent £20 or £50 or whatever! I don’t see how buying off a list is different to deciding how much cash to give. If they want cash, just put in however much you would have spent on a gift.

There are some very judgemental posters on here.

Hardly any newly weds are teenage virgins who don't live together are they?
Why the judgemental attitude to second weddings?

I would not want people with this attitude at my wedding.

Don't go to the wedding If You don't like the couple, you will probably be doing then a favour
As for the poster who said it's not a honeymoon if you have been married before wtf!

I hope of your dc gets married they are pure and don't live in sin before hand, otherwise you know someone like you might start a underachieving about them.
Attitudes like this are what made women in the past tolerate shit so as not to be judged.

I don’t think anyone is judging second marriages.

They just don’t want to contribute to the second ‘once-in-a-lifetime’ holiday. That’s fine. It’s not about the relationship, it’s about the gift (or the request for a gift).

Why do you want to buy people a gift when they don't want it? Do you really want to waste your money? Give them the money so they can use it how they like. I'm not married but I cant imagine getting a pile of craply presents that I don't need or want, or probably have the room for.

I don’t think people expect the couple to be virgins For me, second weddings should be done low key and certainly not asking for anything. Vows are meant to be for life. If it’s a second wedding then then first lot were broken.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss my brother was widowed at 30, so not always the case. He remarried and has been married for 15 years now.

As for vows are for life, that's what made people live in misery for their entire life, that attitude has long gone. Thank goodness.

Vows are meant to be for life. If it’s a second wedding then then first lot were broken

It might not be the person remarrying who broke their vows, though. If their first spouse ran off with someone else; or abused them so they had no choice but to leave, why should they be expected to be humble and low-key if they find happiness again? And sometimes a second marriage happens because someone is widowed.

You might as well buy something and deliver it directly to the charity shop, cut out the middleman!

It feels like some people are determined to be offended whatever people do, it must be so joyless.

icecream you have just proved my point.
Making sweeping state.wants about not breaking vows.
How do you know if a person marrying for the second time has broken their 'vows'?
Actually you are assuming that they made 'vows'.
Perhaps, as was the case with a good friend of mine, only one of the couple had been married before. Perhaps one of them is a widow/widower. Perhaps one of the. Was abandoned by their spouse.
Is it ok in your world if a person remarried if their first partner was violent?

Just don't go to the wedding, if you dislike the couple that much. Sit at home and save your money.

@thedayofthethreeMagnums you sound like a total delight. The thoughtful gifts I have chosen for some friends really are that, and not tat. They're for friends/family I know very well and I've put a lot of thought and, in some cases, vast amounts of time, to get them a fab gift because I love them, not because I'm spiteful, and sticking cash in a card does not convey that.

Our siblings all bought us thoughtful gifts and I truly love them. They were spot on and so much appreciated which is why I like to do this for others when I can.