To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

@AntonsMumsTeeth how the hell would @Sunshinegirl82 be the OP, that have differing views........

In fact @AntonsMumsTeeth are you the OP to just come on with that random comment?

Odd

Ha! So they couldn’t have ‘a special day for everyone’ (i.e. for them) on £8 - 9k and pay for their own honeymoon?

@StillCoughingandLaughing or pay for their own home furnishings..... what difference does it actually make to the gifter?

@StillCoughingandLaughing. £1-2k doesn't get you much for a honeymoon these days. It is supposed to be a trio of a lifetime. A one off. And I guess you could cut costs how about a £50 wedding dress from wish instead of a £1300 almost identical one from a bridal Shop. It still all adds up, and the larger your family the more it costs.

@Cosentyx It's a contribution towards the honeymoon. If you only get £509 from the guests and you want the Maldives you save the rest.

It's still better than getting 20 gifts you have no use for or didn't want in the first place.

I know if u and gifting someone something I want it to be what they want. Not what I want. I guess you never asked you kids what they wanted for Christmas. It's no different.

£1-2k doesn't get you much for a honeymoon these days. It is supposed to be a trio of a lifetime.

WTAF? Now it's supposed to be 'the trip of a lifetime'? Ridiculous! Even more to expect others to fund it for you. When did this become the expectation, that it has to be 'the trip of a lifetime'. Jesus wept! My folks went on a trip to Cornwall. They've been married 55 years, they've had many trips now. So glad they didn't just expect 'the trip of a lifetime' as a honeymoon, would have made all those amazing trips they've been on since quite a letdown. Although, hey, maybe if you don't get your 'trip of a lifetime' with wedding one you can try again with wedding two or three or whatever.

I guess you never asked you kids what they wanted for Christmas. It's no different.

My kids are my kids, not someone I know who's getting married yet again. That's the difference.

Of course a honeymoon is supposed to be a special trip and 55 years ago Cornwall was a trip of a lifetime, providing that you didn't already live in the south west.

I don’t get the ire, I prefer giving ‘real gifts’ myself but I don’t spend more on a cash gift than I would on a physical gift? In fact I tend to spend more on a gift list because I’ll just give 100quid if cash is requested whereas I will often splurge a bit to get a statement piece from the gift list if something catches my eye.

This issue of expectation/entitlement again. Saying "if you would like to give us a present, we'd love a contribution to our honeymoon" seems to turn into "we demand you give us at least £100 cash because we want a flashy holiday and think it's your job to pay for it" in some people's minds.

Why shouldn't a honeymoon be a special trip? Why aren't people allowed to ask for what they want? I really don't think the B&G can win, people are so determined to interpret everything negatively.

Ha. I think I cracked it!
It's not about hating giving money itself.
It's about the fear of being judged for the amount given.

Absolutely! I had to make tenative enquiries about what other people were giving when dn asked for money for her wedding. I had thought £100 but sil told me she was giving £200...

A photo frame could be a) £100 b) £25 or c) £0 and from the spare presents drawer.

Also, how many people would buy a wedding gift costing £100? Not many. But putting less than £100 in a card... if you are a family attending anything less looks stingy. Just one person can't reasonably give anything under £50 if you are going to the main part of the day.

That makes no sense at all Irma Of course people would give less than £100 and while you may think anything less looks stingy, I wouldn't. Even £30-50 is very generous.

And anyone who would spend £100 on a photo frame for someone else needs their head examined. Most people would weep at the total waste of money.

My point was that no one would spend £100 on a photo frame, but the recipient does not know that . They can have a jolly good guess if they are so inclined, but whether it's from John Lewis or Poundland, who can be sure.

@IrmaFayLear but if you spend £25 on a photo frame that I don't want and then I take it straight to the charity shop then I can't see who wins?

People give varying amounts depending on the relationship, their financial position, whether the wedding is local to them or they've had lots of travel costs etc and that's fine.

I'm not a fan of photo frames! I was just pointing out that one can conceal the amount one has given the couple if it is a gift; cash (or even something off the gift list) and it's plain to see.

As others have said, the bottom line is that bride and grooms and no longer 22 and grateful for a tea towel and late Aunt Muriel's 3-piece suite. But neither British etiquette nor skinflints are quite on board yet with the cold hard cash idea. Some think it unseemly and others are horrified that they will be exposed after years of getting away with photo frames.

I'd be quite happy to give the couple fifty quid, for them to spend as they chose. I don't understand why people are so coy about giving money, we all need it!

I can’t be arsed to read everything but for what’s its worth...
Money is much more environmentally friendly than tat that will end up in landfill (plane fumes aside but they’ll be going on honeymoon with or without your help)

Also, if money weren’t the done thing nowadays no one would get anything from me because without fail I forget to even buy a card until the morning of the wedding. Every. fucking. Time

Give them euros to spend on the holiday after the wedding 😂

I hate giving money. I once found out that in actual fact our friends mum had already paid for the honeymoon (tickets and accommodation) and in actual fact all we were contributing towards was their spending money. My friend came back with new clothes, new sunglasses etc etc. we were all furious. Such CF behaviour

If you give money it's up to the recipient what they spend it on. Holiday spending money sounds reasonable to me, it means they have a better time if they don't have to watch the pennies. It's a wedding present! I don't see it as anything to be furious about. If they were my friends I'd want them to enjoy themselves.

My friend came back with new clothes, new sunglasses etc etc. we were all furious. Such CF behaviour

But you would have be fine with giving them Denby? Why’s that?

Laurie - because it isThe Law that you give someone a gift they do not want (eg photo frame, duplicate toaster)

I see this is still rumbling on. Top 3 utterly divisive 'issues' on mumsnet.

1. Asking for cash as wedding gift (tacky as imo)
2. Asking guests to remove shoes (rude as imo)
3. Reclining fully on aircraft in economy (non-recliner and delighted seats are increasingly immobile)

I wonder where we all fit in a venn diagram including all 3?

Threads like this are nuts.

As is using words liked grabby and tacky.

Don’t bleeding go if that’s how you feel!!!

It’s 2019, times have moved on and people do marry more than once.

I think it’s incredibly naive to not view a modern wedding as a transaction. Guest(s) get a day/night of entertainment and dining, hosts get riembursed.

Only on MN have I ever encountered this spiteful attitude to giving what a couple request.

To the poster who whined about it not being the British way, it’s not the 1950’s dear!

Such a twisted logic on here regarding giving at a wedding.

OP, I wouldn’t want you at my wedding, and I would pay you not to attend.

I think it’s incredibly naive to not view a modern wedding as a transaction. Guest(s) get a day/night of entertainment and dining, hosts get riembursed.

Then you're not a host. Why not just sell tickets, it's more honest?

Then you're not a host. Why not just sell tickets, it's more honest?

I am a fabulous and generous host. But then I don’t have friends who take to social media with their petty attitude over wedding gifts.