To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

Why would you not get them what they've asked for, if you're planning to get them something? That literally makes no sense whatsoever.

'I'd really like a teapot for my birthday'
'Ok, I'll get you a coffee machine.'
Just, why?

Urgh. This is why money is so off. Literally calculating the value of the friendship

Thats what i hate about giving money. We just can't afford to give large financial sums but you see threads like this and think that people are judging your friendship by how much you gave. I know we gave a friend £30 recently because thats what we could afford but does she now think we don't count her as a goid friend or that we are cheap? I've seen two threads today where people have given £100 as a wedding gift, to me thats unthinkable. With an outfit, transport, childcare (potentially) and possibly a hotel room I would never have £100 disposable income so it wouldn't even be possible without significant budgetting in the months leading up to the wedding.

I'm not a fan of paying towards honeymoons unless the couple are totally impoverished and wouldn't be able to go away otherwise. Also, I don't think it's a honeymoon if it's a second marriage, but perhaps that's because I'm a bit grumpy today generally.
Silver photo frame ? like this. Not cheap, though. You could put a nice photo of the two of them in it, or just a card that says Long Life and Happiness so they can put their own photo in it when they get back from their honeymoon.

Urgh. This is why money is so off. Literally calculating the value of the friendship.

Sure. Because thinking about how much you spend on their present is compleeeeeeetely different

"Shall we get the 40 quid decanter or the 50 quid one?"
"Shall we put 40 or 50 in the card?
Same thing. 🤷

I find wedding gifts grabby. I never take one. Didn't ask for any at mine either.

Saying that, everyone's different. Do what works for you.

I think you are being judgey - most couple have house set up etc by the time they get married . I know someone who said no presents but then lost of guests kept asking what they could give - so they did suggest funds towards a honeymoon - I don't see what the problem is - you don't have to give anything at all if you don't want to . I sometimes think that wedding couples cant win what ever they do . If you don't like the way they handle money then perhaps don't go at all ?

Why would you not get them what they've asked for, if you're planning to get them something? That literally makes no sense whatsoever

Exactly. Money or present, you're still spending. What difference does it make.

It’s the asking for it that is really not great, isn’t it?

Don’t ask for money, unless you really need help out of a hole. Particularly don’t ask when you are having a big wedding, expensive honeymoon and your guests are already shelling out to get to the Big Day.

YANBU, there's no way I'd fund their honeymoon. Why would you?

Why would you?
Because they're your friends getting married who you would like to buy a present for. They have suggested what they would like as that present. It would seem a fairly logical step to get the present which they've asked for.

I know the honeymoon fund concept isn’t popular on MN but Id rather give my friends something they wanted and asked for rather than risk something they don’t like/never use. I’m spending money either way so don’t mind, and if my contribution gets them a round of cocktails or a nice dinner on their honeymoon then I’m glad I’m helping them enjoy it.

*It’s the asking for it that is really not great, isn’t it?

Don’t ask for money, unless you really need help out of a hole. Particularly don’t ask when you are having a big wedding, expensive honeymoon and your guests are already shelling out to get to the Big Day.*

Applying the same principle, people shouldn't ask for gifts either

When I got married we’d been together 6 years, lived together 5 and had owned a flat together for a while.

I didn’t need a dinner service, cutlery, bed linen, household appliances etc. What I needed was a new kitchen, but shockingly no one was handing out £5k, so we asked for honeymoon donations if people wanted to give us something.

I don’t get why people have such a problem with it. I breath a sigh of relief when I know I can pop some cash in an envelope.

This has to be a MN thing - l don't know anyone in real life who gets this het up about weddings. Go and have fun / don't fancy it? Don't go ... Buy what they ask for / don't want to? Then don't. It's like the Overthinking Centre Of The World on here sometimes Although it was worth reading through just for the charity donation suggestion!

Yes, OP, I think £40 is fine and gets the whole thing done with quite easily.

If people can't afford that, then a lesser amount. Or simply a card with a lovely message. Maybe a super verse to mirror the poetic fright they probably sent to you.

Thank you for your invitation
Hope your wedding's a sensation
I know you asked for gifts of cash
Towards your future honeymoon bash
But sadly I am short of bread
So wrote you this shit poem instead

We asked for money for home improvements. We were set up with a home but at the stage of replacing cheap "starter" items with more deliberate quality choices. So for example we replaced the cheap Argos crockery with Denby. It seemed stupid to ask people to waste a shit tonne of money to buy first quality Denby off a list at the likes of Debenhams when we could do it far more cost-effectively by picking our timing for the sales at the local outlet that sells seconds. The year after we got married we did a lot of decorating. We weren't exactly going to put tubs of gloss white and sunrise silk finish on the list, but that is what was useful to us. B&Q type vouchers got used well. Going further off piste in M&S was not so well used. We bought some lovely glasses and towels, but that was about all that was suitable there for our home. I remember £35 got wasted on some shoes that ended up being charity shopped when I finally conceded that they were never going to get on with my feet. Great use of that present. The trouble with vouchers is having to remember to use them quickly while they are fresh in your mind or time passes and you risk them expiring and the shop being the only beneficiary.

Just giving people what they ask for is the best use of your money whatever it is you can budget. True friends are not going to judge the value of what they gave, but it is awkward if going off on a tangent results in a waste of their gift.

YANBU. Asking for money is tacky and grabby. Much nicer and more personal to buy a gift and have the pleasure of selecting it and wrapping it. From the toaster shop obvs!

Thank you for your invitation
Hope your wedding's a sensation
I know you asked for gifts of cash
Towards your future honeymoon bash
But sadly I am short of bread
So wrote you this shit poem instead

.

I've copied that in case I ever need it.

This is why I hate to give vouchers or £ , the feeling of being judged over the value. I never had any gift list, we just wanted people to attend & celebrate with us - but we were given some beautiful presents, plants for the garden, and all sorts; but carefully considered gifts that we wouldn't have thought of, but really appreciated.

@Iamthewombat Um, you do realise that Britain has people from many different cultures living here, right?

You may want to re-think what you just said as it makes no sense.

*Justmarriedbecca" were you really that grasping? Were all your demands like that or did you include more realistic suggestions as well? At least you gave your guests plenty to talk about.

For me it feels like ‘We can’t afford a big wedding and a flashhoneymoon, so instead of cutting back on one or both of them, we'll get our guests - who have already paid for new outfits, travel, hotels etc. - to fund it instead’.

I can't understand why some posters insist on buying tat as a wedding gift. What can possibly be the point? You are wasting your money, they don't have any need or want for the "thoughtful gift", so WHY?

You receive an invitation, if you decline you send a small gift (after asking what the gift list is), if you attend you offer a lot more. Why can it possibly matter if you are contributing to a honeymoon or to a slow cooker?

There are enough threads from people puzzled or shaking their head confronted with completely unsuitable gifts, why on earth would you buy something they don't like? What kind of relationship can you possibly have if you buy a gift to be spiteful?
It's absolutely puzzling.

I don't understand this insistence to buy new outfits for every wedding either. No one cares, why would you bother?

I think it's lovely to pay towards a honeymoon. I'd like to think of my friends really enjoying the present and having wonderful memories.

It sounds like you don't really like your friend very much, you're being so judgey. I can't understand why you think it's better for you to give them something they don't really want but that you think is more appropriate. Weird.