To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

For me it feels like ‘We can’t afford a big wedding and a flashhoneymoon, so instead of cutting back on one or both of them, we'll get our guests - who have already paid for new outfits, travel, hotels etc. - to fund it instead’

No difference to
‘We can’t afford a big wedding and a good set of crockery, so instead of cutting back on one or both of them, we'll get our guests - who have already paid for new outfits, travel, hotels etc. - to fund it instead’
🤷

JustMarriedBecca

Just small gifts then?

While you're privy to their financial situation, that won't be the case with every wedding you attend. I don't think it's fair to judge. Give what you'd normally give and hold back your judgement.
In Australia no one I know would bat an eye at giving money. I can't think of a single wedding we haven't given money to, there's never even mention of money or registry, it's just what we do. I accept though this isn't the norm in the UK.

Yes, you should definitely give them a gift instead. They almost certainly have loads of stuff already, but no matter. Ideally something they cant regift or donate, for minimum usefulness.

HorridHenrysNits you had me there for a minute.

You don't have to get them anything. For second marriages, no gifts is traditional, because it's assumed (rightly, in this case) that they already have a house full of stuff.

YANBU, it’s tacky and grasping enough to ask guests for cash and for a second wedding it’s even worse. They shouldn’t even be mentioning gifts.

Yemen, can I just point out that I'm from Canada, and I'm Canadian British (since you're so woke about all the cultures in Britain) and the AF can also mean 'all' instead of 'as' so you can write 'as' and then AF . You know, a regional language difference even though you meant to be condescending and supercilious. Fail. right back at you.

Honestly I prefer giving money at weddings. They can do whatever the hell they want with it and it saves me time either shopping off a registry or going out and searching for a gift and then wrapping it. I buy a card, pull out some money, write some soppy congratulatory message in it and I'm done. Easy peasy.

Why not just give them the amount of money you would have spent on their gift?

I don't really see the issue. At my wedding we were literally a fortnight away from emigrating abroad so we asked people not to give gifts as we'd already shipped stuff and didn't want any extra things to take with us. We said if people wanted to gift us some money that would be wonderful, but they weren't obliged. Some people gave us nothing, fine. Some gave us quite a bit of money, fine. Some gave us a tiny bit of money, fine. Obviously everyone that gave us something got a thank you card. I don't see the big deal?

Oh sorry, I've just seen that it's a second marriage. I think technically no gifts is traditional for this. Still, I think that would be a bit mean... A wedding is a wedding

Oh sorry, I've just seen that it's a second marriage. I think technically no gifts is traditional for this. Still, I think that would be a bit mean... A wedding is a wedding

A weeding is a wedding. True.

I've been married twice and frankly, if someone felt this way about me I'd much rather they didn't come. I have lots of friends who are all different with money and stuff. Takes all sorts. If I was judging a 'friend' this hard, they aren't really a friend.

Just give them what they want and forget about it. Give them whatever you would have spent on a present.

I didn't know about this 2nd wedding present 'rule'. I would feel a bit mean not giving something. It is still their 'special' day, just because they have done it before, doesn't make it less so.

You sound like a horrible friend tbh trying to be purposely goady about their wedding gift. A true friend would be happy either way.

I don’t get this at all. This is a so called friend. What has her finances got to do with anything? I would never judge my friends on these things. Why get her a present instead of money? It’s just more hassle for you having to go shopping and will just waste your money if she already has it. Maybe skip the wedding altogether as you don’t sound like a good friend at all.

Just give the money.

What does it matter what someone earns? It's still nice to pay towards their honeymoon surely?

They are paying for you to go to their wedding and have asked you to join them because presumably they like you. If you begrudge the money don't go.

Of course it's relevant, when does the begging stop. FFS, they're hardly young newlyweds. Tacky as AF telling people to buy them a holiday when they're already going on one. Give them a card.

@groundanchochillipowder so you're telling me that the A here meant "all", yes that completely makes sense. "Tacky as ALL fuck"

Furthermore, I have no idea what you being Canadian has to do with anything, and nor do I understand how stating there are many cultures in Britain means I am "woke", it's just facts and common sense. That comment was not even directed to you, but you clearly struggle to make sense.

The only fail here is you, who apparently cannot read properly and takes offence over practically nothing.

@15YemenRoad every time I see your username I read it in Janice's voice.

I think it is tacky to ask for money, or any gift at all, to be honest. You invite people and host them expecting nothing.

Give them a card with some meaningful words.

It pees me off, in fact this whole current wedding greed and bridezilla behaviour does.

Wedding presents were traditionally to help the couple set up their first home. That is rarely a thing any more, I just don’t understand how it’s turned into Michelin star dinners and photography courses instead.

As though you have to buy your place at the entitled couples wedding with a very select gift in exchange for your supper.

It’s all dreadful.

@groundanchochillipowder so you're telling me that the A here meant "all", yes that completely makes sense. "Tacky as ALL fuck" hmm grin

Why, yes, I am. But of course, I'm lying. But that sort of insinuation would be troll hunting and that's against Talk Guidelines . If you think someone's lying you should report the post to HQ to take a look.

But yes, using 'AF' for 'All Fuck' is definitely a thing here, sorry to deflate your attempt to be condescending and supercilious. I mentioned that I'm Canadian/British because, well, this is why I used the term the way I did. Guess you're just not that woke. I'm not offended, just 'pointing out', exactly as you said you were.

@cheeseorchickentwisties Haha! That is awesome, I hope it at least makes you smile.

@groundanchochillipowder I don't think woke is what you think it is. You keep saying it as I referred to myself as woke yet I never did. Furthermore the abbreviation AF has always been known globally as "as fuck" even a simple google would tell you that. The fact you use it as something else is not commonly known at all.

Nonetheless, your sentence still makes no sense.

Money as a wedding gift is fine to pretty much everyone in the real world it's only on Mumsnet you find all these people who have some weird issue with it!

Presents are about the recipient not the giver. I've given people some items that I consider to be truly hideous as gifts in he past because it's what THEY wanted. It's not about me.

So either go to the wedding with good grace, wish the bride and groom well and stick whatever you can afford in an envelope or politely decline and send s card. It's not difficult.

The only time I have been really annoyed about a bride and groom asking for money was last year, when the bride had been bragging about spending 10k on cosmetic surgery leading up to the wedding, he bought her and £1100 puppy as a wedding present and then she spent 15k on a motorbike for him.

But had the cheek to send a shitty poem about how they couldnt afford a honeymoon because of the cost of raising their kids and how they wouldnt be able afford it, if everyone didnt contribute. They they recommended a minimum cost of donation.

As an aside But yes, using 'AF' for 'All Fuck' is definitely a thing here, sorry to deflate your attempt to be condescending and supercilious

It really isnt.