To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

Hey OP, what’s the betting that the posters who have come out accusing you of ‘being judgmental’, ‘not really liking your friend’ etc., and telling other posters that they can’t understand English (a Canadian poster is informed that she doesn’t understand Canadian expressions...by somebody who isn’t Canadian), ALL asked for money when they got married, probably with a gruesome poem, and can’t deal with the thought that many people consider that tacky?

We didn't ask for anything. We paid for the entire destination wedding and had a very intimate wedding.

So just decline the invite if you find it tacky, it's not really a big issue. You don't have to go or give money/a gift if it offends you.

@Iamthewombat I didn't, I've been married coming up 33 years, no second marriage.

I still think OP and you are judgemental.

Times change, most people live together for a fair amount of time before marriage and therefore have their "home" sorted.

You just have to keep up with the times, OPs views on their finances are irrelevant and none of her business.

To be honest I don't think she should go the wedding, she should show her obvious disapproval of them and decline, she clearly feels very strongly about it.

YANBU - I totally get your thoughts, this is the second marriage - wedding gifts were for people setting up home with little money - the fact they have little money is their own inability to budget! How about getting them something personlised?

I always give money and also a little something extra like a bottle of champagne or nice chocolates. When people want mainly money it suits me, I just don't get the hassle of trying to do anything else.

Yabu, some ‘friend’ you are. Stop being so judgey.

Some of the tight wads on this thread, bloody hell.

Don’t go to the wedding(s) if it offends you so much.

Your vase would be straight down to the charity shop speakout, what a waste of money.

Iamthewombat nope not me, I’m unmarried but don’t have an issue with people asking for cash. Soz!

Someone gave us suitcases instead of contributing to our honeymoon and to be fair we've had good use out of them.

I hate this type of thing. I personally think it’s disgusting that adults who earn good money and their second marriage (worse) think it’s fine to ask people for money. Traditionally gifts were only so the bride and groom could set up house. These days asking for money is so grabby

REllenR

When the couple hasn't set up a gift list of any kind, and you did ask, then yes, you have to chose a gift for them.

When the couple has spent a lot a lot of time trying to come up with a gift list, then it's ridiculous to bypass it and think you know better! The whole point of gift lists/ honeymoon fund is to help guests, direct the gifts towards something useful and wanted and avoid a collection of drinks that end up at the school fair, silver frames that you don't like, personalised portraits or signs that belong in the loo. There was a great thread about what posters thought would make great gifts - half the replies were not positive!

Yes, I did say help guests, because there's nothing worst than having to come out with something decent for a wedding - most people will end up with vouchers.

Giving a thoughtful gift on top of your contribution can be nice if you must do something personal.

Do you know where they're going on honeymoon? I often get whatever currency for where they're going, as at least I know they'll use it on the actual honeymoon. It always seems v appreciated x

For the record, a Michelin starred meal on our honeymoon was £40 for both of us and a photography course was £25.

Don't assume something is grabby because it costs more in this country.

I am actually surprised to learn something new here. Never realised AF is "as fuck" literally everywhere but Canada.

Agree with PPs never have I heard someone say "It's tacky" IRL. Everyone just gets that the cash is the present and gets on with it.

FFS only have I ever heard here on MN (constantly) how much weddings are frowned upon. Yesterday I read on 2 separate threads that the OP HATED weddings...

You are not funding their honeymoon any more than you would be funding furnishing their house with a new toaster/towels/plates etc etc. Give what you want or do not give at all its not a summons.

Sorry but they have told you what they would like and you dont want to get it for them. Just turn down the invite as you clearly dont like them.

DP and I are not going to specifically as for anything in our invitations but when people have asked we have said we'd like contributions to a holiday next year.

Could we take it out of our savings or budget for it ourselves? Yes. But if it is gifted to us we can keep our savings for house improvements, our kids futures etc.

My brother and his wife had a website for their honeymoon where you could put some money towards experiences on their honeymoon (which they paid for themselves), things like 'buy a cocktail at cafe mambo' or 'sunset meal in the beach'. You didn't have to pay the full amount - you could choose, say £25 towards the meal, and any excess money afterwards was a 'spending pot'. It was also anonymous, so they could see that someone had put money in but not how much. That worked really nicely. Not that I have any issues with people asking for money instead of pointless gifts

YANBU. The only appropriate request for a second marriage is for no gifts.

*@arethereanyleftatall
*
Why would you?
Because they're your friends getting married who you would like to buy a present for. They have suggested what they would like as that present. It would seem a fairly logical step to get the present which they've asked for.

Nope. It doesn't automatically mean I'd like to buy them presents. Cba with that type of present request so I would never pander to them, thankfully the friends I have aren't like that.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG

WHY? If you disagree with 2nd wedding - I am guessing you'll make an exception for widows and widowers - just decline the invitation.

If you are happy to attend, you bring a gift - it's just basic manners, and I don't know of any country where you would attend empty handed (there might be, but I don't know which ones.)
So might as well not be an hypocrite and have a reply ready for guests asking what the couple wants, honeymoon fund is perfect. The honeymoon is still going to happen even if no guest brings a gift!

Nothing worst than people telling you they don't want anything. You still have to bring something anyway.

It doesn't automatically mean I'd like to buy them presents. Cba with that type of present request so I would never pander to them, thankfully the friends I have aren't like that.

that forum is priceless

sometimes I feel like being in an old Agatha Christie's novel with the judgmental busy body Mrs Scone throwing her wrath around the village.

I do find that the some of the stingiest people in the world inhabit Mumsnet. Now, I am not particularly profligate and do inwardly groan a bit at having to fork out for wedding presents etc, but some people on here are really begrudging and seem angry about paying for anything. I have seen so many party threads where people are chuntering about buying a kid's birthday gift for £10.

And, just to make it clear, generally people I know who are very short of money are not like this at all . Imo short arms and deep pockets is a mindset, no matter what your financial situation.

I completely agree

Most of the most generous people I know are the least well off - it's very embarrassing sometimes, and in real life most people haven't got such an angry attitude.

I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

You want to spend money buying her something she doesn’t want or need, but don’t want to give her money towards something she wants, just because you don’t agree with how she spends money?

I’d suggest not going to the wedding and stop pretending you care about her as a friend.

Good for you Mrs 3 Scones, enjoy! It is indeed priceless to read how fools and their money are so easily parted