To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

why then would you be ok with paying towards their le Creuset pots

Exactly. These days we all have google at our fingertips and can find out to the penny where to buy and at what the cost is for X, Y or Z from bottles of budget supermarket fizz to houses.

So those of you who are gifting photo frames or champagne glasses are kidding yourselves. Either the recipient will like it, or more often than not, won't because if they have any desire for this sort of item and are a grown adult, they will already have them. I have perfectly nice champagne glasses from Ikea that cost less than £2 for 6.

If you bought me some that cost a tenner each, they wouldn't give me any more joy, I'd just think meh, I already have far more than I need and be sad at the ridiculous price tag, because they all hold champagne and the one I have a perfectly decent.

I wish people would be more accepting of the fact that not every occasion needs a ‘gift’. Presumably couples who can afford a £10k wedding can equally afford a honeymoon so it just seems crass to ask for anything. By the time I got married for the second time we were merging two homes into one and could easily afford a decent holiday. I absolutely didn’t want any wedding presents and my (very few ) guests respected that.

Likewise when our DS was christened, we genuinely did not want anything for him & made it very clear on the invitation. Again, people respected the request.

Oh chicken12, no-one would judge. You give what you can afford and it will be accepted with very good grace. Feelings like resentment of people earning more than you should not enter into it, imagine how hurt the couple would feel if they knew you felt like that? I think it's mean spirited.

Then why ask for gifts at all, Barbara? If you have all you need, why do you need peoples' money? Just say NO gifts like Ragwort and others.

But people are saying No gifts, to come up against the people 'who couldn't possibly attend a wedding empty handed'

Why should their desire to foist crap on people trump our want to not be wasteful?

No, you just repeat it again, NO gifts please, and leave the ball in their court rather than asking for their cash.

Would anyone go to a diner party empty-handed?
To a birthday party empty-handed?

No. So how could you possibly attend a wedding without bringing a gift?

But there are people out there who genuinely want to give their friends a present that they’d enjoy Cosentyx

The last three weddings I’ve been to I’ve been very politely asked for a honeymoon contribution, if I want to give a gift.

I’ve been delighted to do so. They’re my friends, I love them, I want to mark this occasion by contributing to something that they will thoroughly enjoy.

I appreciate the respect they’ve shown for my time and mental energy by being clear about what they’d like, rather than leaving me fishing or playing guessing games.

IN MY OPINION asking for money as a wedding present is not crass/tacky/grasping, it is just common sense. Although how this is raised could come across poorly if the couple aren't careful. It is traditional to gift, so why not point guests towards what is wanted/appreciated?

I am British and have never received a poem in a wedding invite, and have found it is not uncommon to be asked for a gift of money to go towards something. Incidentally, we have never had to pay for wedding extras, such as bar drinks either. In our family we regularly do give and receive money for birthday presents. I tend to not buy vouchers on principle.

Just to open another can of worms and after reading some of the previous comments: I have always given a wedding present even if we haven't been able to attend - doesn't everyone do this?

It is traditional to give something at a wedding and friends/family usually want to. We received presents from people we hadn't invited! But if that goes against the grain, then of course say "no gifts". But the fact that you have to state this is because you are going against the norm (in my circles anyway).

It's so spectacularly normal to give a wedding gift, it's not some strange new idea dreamt up by a few entitled people. Giving gifts at weddings is a long standing tradition going back hundreds of years!

Everyone knows this yet for some reason there is the suggestion that the bride and groom should either forcefully reject any attempt to provide the traditional gift (likely to be perceived as a bit odd by most and possibly hurtful by some) or pretend that that they have no idea they might receive a gift and then be super surprised and grateful at whatever people deign to give them even if they really don't want it.

There is no benefit to anyone in either course of action as far as I can tell. Acknowledging that gift giving is traditional, that lots of guests may wish to give a gift and indicating your preference with respect to that gift makes logical sense.

I think the reality is that there is no real logical reason that people are opposed to a suggestion of money as a gift but more a "feeling" that they don't like it. There also seems to be a correlation (it seems to me) between people who don't like to give money as a gift and people who don't want to spend money attending weddings/don't like weddings. There's a general sense of considering anything other than a trip to the registry office and a pint as flashy and unnecessary.

Decades since being invited to a wedding, ....but we happily give money bc it's easier and nobody dislikes money.

A gift should be about the giftee, Not the gifter. Otherwise it's a business deal?

@Sunshinegirl82 over-invested much..? Are you the OP?

I have always given a wedding present even if we haven't been able to attend - doesn't everyone do this?

No, not if it's an evening do or someone not close to or I'm brassic and cannot afford one.

I do know someone who colluded with a shop to pretend to have a gift list people could select from. It was a ruse, the things selected were not bought and everything was just store vouchers.

She also scrutinised the amount people had given and was livid at some amounts. Someone had given her a photo frame rather than the monetary list. She rang a few people to check who saying the gift tag must have come undone.

@AntonsMumsTeeth nope, just trying to fathom out the argument (or lack thereof!)

Ha. I think I cracked it!
It's not about hating giving money itself.
It's about the fear of being judged for the amount given.

I think so too, people would prefer to give gifts that people can't work out the price of. I know someone who always gives candlesticks, and i happen to know they cost £7 (because she told me).

Lots of people ask for money for honeymoon when they are on the second marriage and/or already have all their household stuff.

I think it’s better than contributing a saucer to a fancy plate collection which will sit in a cupboard - people often used to ask for crown Derby and such like (seems a bit out of fashion now).

I don’t really understand why you would want to get the ‘gift’ they want. You seem a bit judgmental.

I agree with Sunshinegirl82, in that we should just accept that gift giving at weddings is the norm, and there's nothing wrong in directing people to what you want.

I give cash, it's so much easier. But if the couple had asked for gifts off a list, I'd do my best to oblige. Because gifts are about the recipient. There's no way I want to spend time buying a gift that then ends up sold or charity shopped, it's a waste, of time and money.

The morning after.😂

@ragwort. So those that can afford a 10k wedding can afford a honeymoon. Are you having a laugh. Perhaps they scrimp and save to make the day a very special one for everyone there and because of that they can't afford a honeymoon.

So you make different choices, Ohbehave, if a honeymoon is your priority. It doesn't make sense, anyhow, to ask guests to contribute to it, because you never know what you'll get so you can't exactly plan anyhow. What if you plan to go to the Maldives but only get £500 from the guests? I mean, do people wait to see how much swag they score from their guests and then decide between a cruise in the Med or a weekend in Blackpool?

I think it's perfectly reasonable these days to ask for whatever you would have spent in a gift in cash, people used to give wedding gifts for couples to build their homes/nest but people live together guest now so already have a toaster, kettle microwave, bed, or sofa.

Why is it anymore acceptable to send them on an unwanted spa than give them £40 ??

Sounds bonkers and controlling to me.

So those that can afford a 10k wedding can afford a honeymoon. Are you having a laugh. Perhaps they scrimp and save to make the day a very special one for everyone there and because of that they can't afford a honeymoon.

Ha! So they couldn’t have ‘a special day for everyone’ (i.e. for them) on £8 - 9k and pay for their own honeymoon?