To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

There is also an increasing entitlement that guests must donate an amount that reflects the amount the bride and groom spend.

This is sometimes a bit of a problem if you're not that close to the couple but feel your gift should reflect somewhat their own expenditure. I went to a "wedding of the year" type affair that must have cost an absolute bomb. One does feel obliged to "cover one's plate".

Otoh covering one's plate is absolutely normal in some cultures - I'm thinking Italian-American weddings for a start. The guests write their cheques at the reception as then they can see what sum they should reasonably be giving (and it's a comment on what they thought of it...).

One does feel obliged to cover one's plate^

Does one?

Why would someone else's choices and means dictate what money you spend?

I would probably give less to a wealthy couple and/or a showy wedding because they obviously need and appreciate gifts less than a more modest affair by a less affluent couple.

If the bride and groom are obviously better off than me or are having a very lavish do, I would more likely get them a more token gift like a bottle of nice fizz, eg English sparkling wine for about £20-30.

Obvious caveat that I do not know anyone from a culture where significant monetary gifts are the norm close enough to attend their wedding.

For about the millionth time, it’s not that ppl are expecting it, it’s that they will be asked what they’d like.

One person's thoughtful gift is another's unwanted tat.

My late mum was always adamant that she bought a "proper" gift, and would never give cash or even vouchers, regardless of the B&G's requests.

She, too, believed her gifts were thoughtful. I know of at least 3 gifts that ended up in charity shops.

Second marriages should be small and discreet

And who put you in charge of deciding what goes?

I'm 50. I've never actually been married, I finally left an abusive relationship a few years ago. If I get married in the future, it's highly likely to be someone who has been married before, to be realistic. No way am I going small and discreet (although it wont be megabucks).

I genuinely don't inderstand why anyone would be annoyed at a bride and groom asking for money for a wedding present? Most people do nowadays!

I did a simple wedding and wanted to share it with friends and family, not to sell tickets for an event I.e. my wedding.

Why should second marriages be small and discrete?
What if only one of the couple had been married?
What if the first marriage was a small, discrete affair?
What if the first marriage was a shot gun wedding?
You sound very judgemental.
Should people who already have children make sure they keep their wedding discrete?
It's nobody else's business what type of wedding or ceremony anyone else has.

You are not alone I remember my eldery (an imbittered recently divorced) aunt declaring that she would never contribute “ to that shagfest!” I believe she bought the happy couple a vase...

Your reasons for not wanting to gift them the money that they have asked for seem a bit spurious and unkind. But ultimately if you don’t want to give them a cash gift then don’t. They are not going to sue you.

I have no problem with couples asking for money or contribution towards a honeymoon.

My only gripe is with couples who have a gift list / directory where it’s clear they want and expect presents above a certain monetary value! Or where they’ve asked for money and you just know that they’re expecting eg £100+ from guests.

As long as I feel I have full control over how much I spend and feel that whatever I give will be received gratefully that’s absolutely fine!

£40 is quite enough, but I would not contribute anything to a honeymoon fund. They already sound like big spenders.so let them spend their own cash. You don't have to feel bad about anything. If your principle is not to go along with things, then don't.

What happened to accepting what (if anything) you were given as a present ?

Omione, a combination of guests not being trusted to pick a nice gift that the couple find satisfactory or wanting to recoup the costs for the wedding / honeymoon from what I’ve seen recently.

Accepting gracefully when it's too late is one thing, trying to direct your guests who want to buy you something for a present you actually need or want another. The 2 are not mutually exclusive.

What happened to accepting what (if anything) you were given as a present?

Obviously I accept gracefully. But it’s the waste that gets me.

I have 3 wine decanters that will never be used. Vases and frames stashed in the back of cupboards (I have far more than I could use).

Why’s that a good system? I also have a tiny house and limited storage.

Yabu. In this day and age couples don't need cutlery, sheets, and kettles! They already own them! Money is both easier for the bride and groom AND easier for the guest- you don't have to search/ check wedding lists/ put any thought AT ALL in. Chuck money in a card (yes £40is enough) and enjoy the day.

In the good old days couples were just starting out together and were glad of household items, I know we were 27 years ago!

As a guideline, cover the cost of a meal for 1 or 2 guests and add a bit. Here, it would not be less than 120 pounds for 2 guests.

I understand where you are coming from but yes, YABVU.

This is not about their wedding gift: this is about your attitude to their spending habits and lavish lifestyle which I suspect you would like but cannot afford.

She tells you her business (and has invited you to her wedding) because she likes you and is unaware of your negative attitude to her lifestyle: I'm not saying I disagree but it's her life and finances to do as she wishes and your judgement should be a personal and quiet one.

You cannot buy her something else because you dislike her lifestyle choices, that's unfair and it makes you a bad friend, just contribute a cost you feel comfortable with and move on.

The problem these days is because we have an opinion we think we're entitled to act on it and that is BS. Other peoples choices are none of your business.

**You're right, lots of people don't NEED cash or gifts but people will give them anyway. People give presents at weddings, even if you tell them not to and say you don't need anything.

Given the above, an expression of preference has to benefit everyone.**

Just this. We clearly expressed we didn’t expect anything and just wanted our guests company. But given we had everything we needed for our house. If people wished to give something we would prefer money towards our honeymoon.

The amount people gave ranged a great deal and a few who we knew were on limited means just brought a card, we certainly didn’t think any less of them for it.

@omione not known anyone to return a wedding gift, all gifts are accepted I'm sure.

I suppose it just means how happy are you that your gift is unwanted to the recipients, I wouldn't put a hideous photo frame out because I should be grateful ,, it would be in the local charity shop.

Or you could just buy what's requested or give money or give nothing. All much better than taking a moral stand and saying you'll give what I want to give you and pretend to be grateful,

Second time around for both. Shouldn't they have most of what they need already so should be able to afford their honeymoon. Still cannot get to grips with 2nd, 3rd time weddings having all the trappings of a 1st. Give them £25 in a card and be done with it.

I do not like giving money as I feel you are being judged for the amount of money you are giving and paying towards someones holiday especially if they earn more than you especially grating

paying towards someones holiday especially if they earn more than you especially grating

But why then would you be ok with paying towards their le Creuset pots?

Just decline the wedding invitation - say you have to work or some other excuse - and send them a card.