To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

*The same post in which I wiped the floor with you.

Choked laughing at this.

Deluded doesn’t cover it.*

You and me both @LaurieMarlow

*The same post in which I wiped the floor with you.

Choked laughing at this.

Deluded doesn’t cover it.*

You and me both @LaurieMarlow

A piggy bank?

In all seriousness, no, YANBU. In no one's universe is asking for money ever other than rude. Or if it is, it's not a very well-mannered universe.

Sunshine if not family and expected to attend I made my excuses. I know I sound joyless but I am at that age now which means my wedding obligations have died down but my younger colleges spend their summer months obligated to their friend's and partners friend's weddings and hen/stags. No one actally thinks 'fantastic I need to spend £500+ for a weekend of enforced fun' for a stag/hen. Then 'brilliant, we are going to an old friend fron uni's wedding in a statley home miles away, just like every other wedding we have been to lately to make up numbers''. So looking to rooms at £140 a night, shit dinner then a pay bar so the couple have their dream? Honestly most people I speak to hate atrending wedding now.

Sunshine if not family and expected to attend I made my excuses.

I never even let that stop me, either, if it's yet another identikit monstrosity miles away requiring lots of travel and overnight lodging plus the ubiquitous, oh, give us some money, too, request. What next, oh, I've cured my constipation, come celebrate this speshul occasion by spending loads on ME it's my speshul day, but don't count on any drink or much food because it's all so speshul you should be thankful to see me and hand me some money, too, to pay for a trip to a place with a gorgeous toilet?

I have to say I was horrified surprised at the first British wedding I went to that guests were expected to buy their own drinks & as for evening dos - that was another shocker! Still live & learn!

If people are going to resent the whole thing so much and in some cases clearly don’t like the people involved then they should decline.

It’s supposed to be a happy occasion, if you don’t feel that and are sitting there fuming and resenting it all then what’s the point?

If you're not feeling it then you're not feeling it. I think it's actually polite to decline an invitation to a wedding when you don't want to go. Weddings are often pretty expensive and it isn't always possible to invite everyone you would like to due to restrictions on numbers etc. If you don't want to go and so decline you open up a spot for someone who does want to be there. Much better than accepting and going under protest.

I've never been to a wedding and not had a brilliant time! I love a good wedding! I'm wondering what happens at all these apparently terrible events.

I have been to some very beautiful weddings. My parents were religious (not me) but it lovely seeing our friends with faith being married in church and it having real meaning and the party afterwards. Close friends who have been together for years have got married at the townhall and then we have gone back to the restaurant they love or their home for an amazing party. None of these events have asked anything from their guests except to join them and be happy for their marriage. Some on a very tight budget asked guests to bring food and a bottle (the best)! Putting on a big show then asking for money really jars with me. I am probably unreasonable but if you spend £20000 plus on a wedding and expect your guests to spend a few hundred to attend them expecting monetary gifts is just really poor.

I never even let that stop me, either, if it's yet another identikit monstrosity miles away requiring lots of travel and overnight lodging plus the ubiquitous, oh, give us some money, too, request. What next, oh, I've cured my constipation, come celebrate this speshul occasion by spending loads on ME it's my speshul day, but don't count on any drink or much food because it's all so speshul you should be thankful to see me and hand me some money, too, to pay for a trip to a place with a gorgeous toilet?

WOW!!!

Just decline politely! My wedding was a long time ago, my sons more recently, neither were anything like you describe, they were both full of joy and happiness and dancing and love.and celebration ...... I've never ever been to a wedding like you've described and I've been to many. Never ever felt I was invited to make up
the numbers.

@willstarttomorrow

But is it an expectation the majority of the time? Or just an indication of preference?

I didn't expect presents at our wedding but people will always buy them, people want to. I don't think it's really that awful to say "if you would like to give a gift this is our preference". You're not under an obligation to give anything.

I really don't think there are people sending out invites with "£100 minimum cash gift expected".

I have no idea if everyone who came to our wedding gave us a present, I'm sure some didn't. I couldn't care less. I kept a list and sent out thank you cards to everyone who did but I didn't check that everyone had given something, does anyone?!

I've never been to a wedding and not had a brilliant time! I love a good wedding!

Yes me too. A happy event for people I care about.

them expecting monetary gifts is just really poor.

As sunshine says, it’s generally not an expectation.

I’ve never had an invite that didn’t say something like ‘don’t feel you have to give a gift but if you want to xxx’. I don’t see what’s so terrible about that.

Agree with @LaurieMarlow and@Sunshinegirl82 it's always an if you want to give a gift ...... we would like money or whatever.

Also never been to,a wedding I didn't enjoy.

Don't understand how you'd get invited to a wedding you so clearly don't want to attend.

I am happy to give a gift. However the reality now is that a number of wedding invitations do state a preference for cash. The problem is that it identifies how much is gifted. There is also an increasing entitlement that guests must donate an amount that reflects the amount the bride and groom spend. Half my family come from a culture that pins money on the bride, this is usual. But weddings are fully funded by the hosts and it is a totally different expectation.

The problem is that it identifies how much is gifted

So does a wedding list.

This is often an argument put forward for present buying, but it makes no sense to me whatsoever.

It doesn’t matter how much the present ‘looks’ versus how much you spent. If it’s something the couple neither wants nor needs, then it’s a total waste regardless.

At least a tenner could be spent on a couple of drinks that the couple get to enjoy.

There is also an increasing entitlement that guests must donate an amount that reflects the amount the bride and groom spend.

Not a whiff of that in any of my social circle.

GotToGoMyOwnWay
I have to say I was horrified surprised at the first British wedding I went to that guests were expected to buy their own drinks & as for evening dos - that was another shocker! Still live & learn!
-
I've never been to a wedding where guests pay for their own drinks. I have heard of weddings where champagne and wine with the food is freely given but guests pay for drinks from the bar. No one seems to mind that.

Just decline politely!

I do.

“I was so appalled to be asked for cash I pooped cubes for a week”

@Rachelover40 - in my culture the hosts pay for everything. There is no such thing as a cash bar. He who invites pays. And there is usually a few hundred people attending not 80/100. Weddings are huge & generous in my community - they are usually great fun. And everyone is ranked the same - no second tier evening guests.

@Ragwort. So what if the groom has been unfortunate enough to have been married before and it all went drastically wrong and his new bride is a first timer. Does she not get to have the wedding of her dreams because he has been married before.

And, tbh, a second marriage is one where the couple are far more likely not to need the gifts and more likely to want something they can actually use.

Does she not get to have the wedding of her dreams because he has been married before

That’s a huge part of the issue. Marriage is about the vows Andrew lifetime commitment, not about having the dream day. So many seem to forget the real reason,

I agree with Ragwort. Second marriages should be small and discreet and certainly shouldn’t be asking for yet even more gifts or cash.

Sometimes the commitment isn’t broken voluntarily. I’ve 3 good friends who’ve been widowed - I’d be delighted if they ever decided to get married again & but them a present.

Similarly the friends whose shitty abusive husband has finally left her after decades of abuse. If she was to remarry I’d be buying her present.

Why wouldn’t I?

They’re my friends & I wish them well. Sounds to me some of you don’t value your friendships.

It’s not that the second/third wedding is not important, (my second marriage is over 30 years ) it’s the point that no one needs gifts/cash and, in my opinion, it’s crass to expect them.

It is the wedding that is important, not the party/guests/gift list ... too many people seem to focus on the ‘best day of their life’ rather than the marriage itself. .

You're right, lots of people don't NEED cash or gifts but people will give them anyway. People give presents at weddings, even if you tell them not to and say you don't need anything.

Given the above, an expression of preference has to benefit everyone. The giver doesn't waste their money on something unwanted and the recipient gets their preference. If you prefer not to give a gift, you don't give one.

Acknowledging that it is likely that people will want to give a gift at a wedding isn't the same as expecting a gift.