To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

[toooldforthisshite]

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

Also if you go to someone’s house for dinner - don’t you take a gift?

For A big birthday I wanted a specific bag to remember it by. When asked I requested cash/vouchers towards it rather than having something I don’t want. But as most of my guests were from my culture they got it completely!

Either contribute to their choice of gift or don't go. Blunt but my honest opinion ( I got married when my wedding list was home basics like kettles and toasters), but of they don't need these things why not go with what they want? They will be paying for you to attend their wedding. So again, go with what they have asked for or don't go

People never do though, do they? They slip in one of those godawful poems to coyly pretend that they aren’t begging for cash. Why? Because, deep down, they know that asking for money is tacky, for the reasons I have comprehensively explained.

Except you haven't, you just keep saying it is, or look it up in the dictionary!

@GotToGoMyOwnWay for me it's nothing to do with culture, it's about buying something that won't go to waste and that you know your friend or family will love!

What's nicer than giving something that's going to please the recipient, rather than something that's going to please the person gifting?

I know what I'd rather!

I explained why it was tacky in my longer post earlier this evening. 7.30 or thereabouts. The same post in which I wiped the floor with you.

We didn't slip in a "godawful poem". We just said we really don't need anything but if you want to get something please either contribute to our charity collection online or John Lewis vouchers would be much appreciated.

Is it tacky, crass, grabby etc to have done that? We ended up raising £1100 for 2 charities and got £900 in JL vouchers which no, we didn't need but used for stuff we wanted.

I find gift lists much grabbier because they usually have very few things at any reasonable amount. Asking for contributions allows each guest to pick any amount they are comfortable with.

Maybe you didn’t notice, because I didn’t name you?

OP I think I understand, it is being dictated to gift wise. I also find requests to fund a honeymoon really crass, if you want one you pay. Obviously gift giving has totally changed now that couples has lived together for years. However the cost of attending a wedding for guests is now crazy when the bride and groom want a venue miles away and everyone staying over and doing breakfast etc. I will be honest most of these weddings I have attended took a huge chunk out of my annual leave and family finances and I resented every penny. And unless you are the bride, groom or parents nobody really has a huge investment in the day. On the flip side lots of my friends have done weddings locally and cheaply and full of joy. They have been the most personal and the best.

As I’ve already stated, several times, asking for money FOR YOURSELF is grabby.

In what universe is asking for a charitable donation grabby?

As I’ve already stated, several times, asking for money FOR YOURSELF is grabby.

In what universe is asking for a charitable donation grabby?

But we also asked for JL vouchers. I was just curious as to whether in your rules that was also grabby but negated by it being phrased as secondary to the charity one?

*This is why Mumsnet is so funny. You get to hear what people really think. Why are certain posters do enraged that I disagree with them when I’m a random stranger on the internet?

Here is why. They realise that other people in real life think the same things, and they can’t bear it.

Consequently the internet stranger must be subjected to a pile on. Unfortunately for you, it has had no effect on me. I continue to hold the same view.

You are free to look up ‘crass’, ‘vulgar’ and ‘tacky’ in a dictionary but I’ll save you the bother. Insensitive, blundering, lacking grace, sophistication and manners.

Asking for money, particularly for a honeymoon, is grasping and reduces your guests to individual funding streams. At least one pro-cash gift poster upthread has noted that anybody opposed to the cash gifts only policy shouldn’t go to the wedding because then the bride and groom won’t have to buy them dinner and a drink. The relationship, in that case, is reduced to a transaction.

Somebody else upthread talks about passing the same £40 around at weddings. That made me laugh.

The bottom line is, if you are getting married why should you tell people to give you money? You’re saying, I know best, and I know what I want from you: cash. I want a fancy honeymoon that I can’t afford, or a new kitchen, whatever, and I’ve decided that you will be paying for it. Dress it up with all the poetry you like: that’s what it is.

If your guests choose to buy you a toaster, and you don’t want a toaster, tough luck. Sell it on eBay or give it to a charity shop. That’s preferable to begging for money.

Incidentally I know why certain posters are desperate for me to define why asking for money is tacky, crass and vulgar. It’s so that they can convince themselves that they are none of those things. Even the type who post insults when somebody disagrees with them. An excellent display of crassness, tackiness and vulgarity.

(Incidentally, I don’t buy toasters or photo frames. I’m happy to clear that up).*t

And that's wiping the floor with me.....

In fairness lots of people have agreed with you not!

And you still haven't said why it's tacky, it just is!

Your post is mad literally saying tough if 100 guests waste money giving you shit presents, it's your problem to sell on eBay!

Who wants a gift recipient to not have the gift they want.......

Barking mad!

I've still got no idea why you think it crass and tacky @Iamthewombat

You just say the same thing over and over again. I've got a couple of theories that might be behind it but I genuinely cannot come up with a logical argument for it.

I think you're pretty much in the minority though with your view and based on the posts here it seems really, really common for people to indicate a preference for cash (that's certainly my own experience). I suspect you'll be being offended by a fair few invitations yet!

@DappledThings asking for anything according to @Iamthewombat is wrong, she'll buy you a toaster and you'll be grateful for it whatever.... then she expects you to sell it on eBay, for probably half the price to get something you do want. It all makes perfect sense ....... not!

I’m gutted that no one hyperventilated at the photo of the Greek money dance I posted

It isn't tacky, Sunshine.

Wedding invitations often have 'no boxed gifts' printed on them at the bottom.

Who wants a gift recipient to not have the gift they want...

Exactly. It's just ridiculous to not want to give someone what they want. Even my mother, whose in her 70s, an absolute stickler for tradition and horrified by multiple archaic "rules" we didn't stick to at our wedding didn't bat an eyelid at being asked to contribute to her friend's son's honeymoon pot. She thought it was a great idea and was delighted to be sent a photo in the thank you card of the couple enjoying the cookery lesson on their honeymoon that her money had been earmarked for.

@GotToGoMyOwnWay I've only been to one Greek wedding, it was fabulous! Loved the dancing and the pinning the money, loved the whole atmosphere of the day.

@willstarttomorrow

Out of interest (and aside from the present thing) if the weddings cost too much (in terms of money, AL, time etc) to the point that you resented it why didn't you just decline the invite?

I think it is tacky to expect gifts/money for a second wedding. I have been married twice, the second time (first for DH) I just had a very small wedding, five guests and absolutely did not expect or receive gifts. I just don’t give wedding gifts to second/third marriages ,.. no one seems to care, or if they do it’s never mentioned.

@willstarttomorrow in true mumsnet style "it's an invitation, not a summons" don't go .... simples!

@Ragwort I think that's quite sad, second weddings are every bit as important as first weddings. Assuming divorce, I've known friends who have had awful first marriages and their second marriages are amazing as they've been through such an awful time, got themselves together and realised that they'd done the wrong thing first time around.

Assuming the weddings aren't within two years of each other (unlikely) I'd not be evening thinking, well I gave a present for their (one of them) first wedding. I'd just give what I could afford.

I'd he celebrating the fact that they'd seen the road to a second and better marriage.

Who wants a gift recipient to not have the gift they want...

I just don’t get it.

But then I think the gift should be about the receiver rather than the giver. Clearly others have a different view.

@plasterboots

They are certainly different!

The same post in which I wiped the floor with you.

Choked laughing at this.

Deluded doesn’t cover it.

I agree, Ragwort. Have also been married twice. Can't believe people ask for money for second + marriages. WTAF? Beyond tacky.