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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have said she can’t stay!?

119 replies

DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 19:31

I highly doubt I’m BU but

DP and I’s Friends (his first before I met him) who are a couple are leaving next month to live abroad for a year. A friend of DPs who lives in NI has asked to stay in our house for 4 days while she travels over for the couples going away party.

AIBU in saying absolutely not? I’ve only met her once and don’t want to play host all weekend after I’ve been in work. She wants to stay on some days DP and I will be working. I said I’d be okay with one night (even though I’d struggle, I have massive anxiety) but I’m absolutely not having someone I’ve met once stay sat - Tuesday.

AIBU? DP doesn’t seem angry but slightly annoyed.

OP posts:

zzzzzzzz12345 · 22/07/2019 19:34

Go with your gut. As I get older, I say no more. It’s liberating. You can say no politely precisely because you will be at work. Provided partner is happy with that too of course. If he isn’t then make sure he does all the bed making, food prep etc. Guests youmlike can be hard work, nev r mind ones you don’t even know.

NoSauce · 22/07/2019 19:34

Why would you have to do the hosting? It’s not your friend. If DH wants her to stay he can look after her surely?

CharlesLeeRay · 22/07/2019 19:36

It depends on how badly it affects your anxiety.

She is your partners friend, I'd let her stay. She's not a child that will need looking after.

BlingLoving · 22/07/2019 19:39

I don't know how severe your anxiety is but you seem a bit scrooge-like to me. I wouldn't dream of refusing to allow a friend of d's to stay for a couple.of nights. I would expect dh to do the bulk of entertaining and running around if necessary but as his wife and partner I would see this overall as our home and our guest and that I should be supportive of DH inviting friends.

Expressedways · 22/07/2019 19:40

Whether it’s a reasonable request depends how well she knows your DP... but it just that, a request, so of course you can say no. If she is a good friend of his then I’d say probably ok to her staying the night of the party and maybe the night before as she’s travelling but that the extended stay won’t work because of work. If you do agree to it then it should be on your DP to do the bulk of the ‘hosting’.

Malyshek · 22/07/2019 19:42

Frankly I wouldn't care that my partner's friend stay at our house.

I also wouldn't play host. Presumably she's a grown up so she can pull her own weight. I'd make enough dinner for her out of courtesy but I would let her manage her own lunch and breakfast. And she can entertain herself.

Of course, it's different if you have specific issues that make you uncomfortable having her in your home.

optimisticpessimist01 · 22/07/2019 19:42

I let a friend (DH first) stay with us for a week last year whilst he was inbetween houses, it didn't feel like I was hosting him at all he came and went as he pleased and was no bother, he actually cleaned up for us and did a food shop so we benefited from it! He is super easy going and chilled out though and I am really comfortable around him

Thought I'd share with you my success story in case she does end up staying but in your situation I would say no

AllFourOfThem · 22/07/2019 19:47

I don’t really understand your post. By I do you mean you? These are mutual friends of you both?

If it’s your house then YANBU but if it’s also your partner’s house then surely it should be a joint decision.

Original poster

DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 19:52

DP went to uni with her. Like I said she lives in NI and they don’t talk regularly at all unless they’re doing a big uni meet up which is every 6 months if not longer.

So they aren’t close enough that we’d leave her to it in the house like some of our other friends

OP posts:

Original poster

DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 19:53

I thought I’d be told more im nbu to Be honest as MN favourite saying is ‘sorry that doesn’t work for us’

OP posts:

NoSauce · 22/07/2019 19:54

A friend of the DH’s has asked to stay while she travels to the OP and her DH’s mutual friends party.

SuzieQ10 · 22/07/2019 19:55

Could you offer two nights over the weekend? 4 nights is a little long.
But I think you would be U for not letting the friend stay at all.
Is there anyone else she's friendly with living nearby that she could split the time between.

HeadintheiClouds · 22/07/2019 19:55

Why would they ask you and not the party hosts?

BlingLoving · 22/07/2019 19:56

Over the years a number of old uni friends of.both dh and I have stayed with us. It's really no big deal and I would have no qualms leaving them home while I go.out.

Having said that, one friend who stayed 2 or 3 times we have quietly distanced oureves from because she was just such an annoying house guest! But we have her the benefit of the doubt to start.

MyNewBearTotoro · 22/07/2019 19:57

I think YAB a bit U if DP would be happy for her to stay. It’s only 4 days and even if you’ve only met her once she’s s close friend of your DP.

mimibunz · 22/07/2019 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 19:58

I did offer DP she could stay a night but because she’s travelling from NI she wants to stay longer.

Our group of friends live across the northwest. We live in the city we actually go out in which is why she asked us.

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 22/07/2019 20:00

If you've got a spare bedroom it shouldn't be a big problem. She can look after herself, surely? Show her where the kettle and toaster are. If it would mean her sleeping on the sofa, you wouldn't BU to say no. It'll have to be Airbnb or Travel Lodge. She's a bit cheeky to ask, tbh.

zzzzzzzz12345 · 22/07/2019 20:01

Goodness mimi that’s a bit harsh. Have you got stuff going on?!

feistymumma · 22/07/2019 20:04

I would say no, she should book an hotel. It's not your responsibility to host anyone unless they are close.

AutumnCrow · 22/07/2019 20:06

Why four nights, though?

Kittekats · 22/07/2019 20:06

I think you are being a bit unreasonable to only offer one night. This is a friend of your DPs, it is up to him to play host not you.

rookiemere · 22/07/2019 20:07

Seems a bit unfair if your DH would be happy with her staying as it's his house too. I do get that having house guests can be exhausting, but it seems a bit mean not to just let her stay and leave her to it during the day - she is an old friend of your DHs she's hardly going to trash the place or rummage through your private papers.

rightsideofherstory · 22/07/2019 20:07

Yes, you are. It's for a few days, not a month. Explain that you won't be able to host but she is welcome to stay. I'm sure she's asking due to whatever she paid to come was high and she is trying to save. It's not that serious geese

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/07/2019 20:11

Given its for a very unusual occasion I wouldn't have said no. She is a grown adult I'm not sure she really needs to have someone hosting her she is surely just looking for somewhere to stay for a few nights?

I don't think it was cheeky to ask given she's known your husband a long time. However its equally fine for you to say no. I would look at trying to get help for your anxiety though it sounds like it is beginning to have a very negative impact on your life.

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