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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said she can’t stay!?

119 replies

DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 19:31

I highly doubt I’m BU but

DP and I’s Friends (his first before I met him) who are a couple are leaving next month to live abroad for a year. A friend of DPs who lives in NI has asked to stay in our house for 4 days while she travels over for the couples going away party.

AIBU in saying absolutely not? I’ve only met her once and don’t want to play host all weekend after I’ve been in work. She wants to stay on some days DP and I will be working. I said I’d be okay with one night (even though I’d struggle, I have massive anxiety) but I’m absolutely not having someone I’ve met once stay sat - Tuesday.

AIBU? DP doesn’t seem angry but slightly annoyed.

OP posts:
Proseccoinamug · 22/07/2019 20:37

YABU, sorry. I get the anxiety but for your dh not to be allowed a friend to stay? It’s not really fair. If it were the other way round everyone would be saying he was controlling/ abusive.

CareBear50 · 22/07/2019 20:39

OP I think you and your other half could find a compromise???

He wants Her to stay....you don't. Why not offer two nights...and say you already have plans for the other two nights.

I'm also from NI and I also often put people up at my house. So perhaps this is a cultural thing.

Surely your OH is a pretty good judge of character and sounds like he's known her for a pretty long time too???

It would be two to four days out of 365. Could you give it a go? What's the worst that could happen?

Original poster
DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 20:42

I already have since offered the night of the leaving do.

Since when did it become a thing to allow anyone to stay in your house who asks?

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 22/07/2019 20:43

Op I’d be stressed having my own close friends stay for four days.

They are not even close, it’s perfectly reasonable to say no. In fact I think it’s cheeky of her to ask.

NoSauce · 22/07/2019 20:46

Look OP if you don’t want her to stay then say so, AIBU isn’t the law. You don’t have to do as people say. It’s eased for strangers on the internet to say you should do something when they don’t know you personally.
If you’re not up to it then just tell her now so she can make alternative arrangements.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/07/2019 20:47

Since when did it become a thing to allow anyone to stay in your house who asks?

Its not a thing and even in your situation its not applicable. Your husband would like her to stay. If you both didn't want her staying then that would be fine but she's asked and your husband would like to accommodate her request. He's not saying yes simply because she asked but because she is his friend.

chipsandgin · 22/07/2019 20:49

I would have no issue with it at all - we have people stay often and I would ask the same of friends in other cities and countries (but expect them to say if it didn't work for them). We're in our late forties with two kids and have always been like this, so have all of our friends.

It's not an unusual or unreasonable request, especially given that she presumably doesn't know about your anxiety? Fair enough if you don't want to but if I were in your DPs position I'd feel a bit miffed but understand it was down to your issues (& find it awkward to explain to the friend why unless going for honesty which might not be something you'd be comfortable with). It's just four days - she isn't asking to move in!

rabbitwoman · 22/07/2019 20:51

When me and my husband first bought our house together, he had a habit of inviting friends to stay but leaving all the hard work up to me. For instance, in the morning he just would not get out of bed and left me to do all the talking and socialising and make his guests breakfast. After that, I refused to let him have people to stay unless HE did all the work and kept them out of my way

Actually, he never invites friends to stay anymore, turns out he doesn't like hosting..

Your hubby can do all the hard work. I bet he won't like it!

AcrossthePond55 · 22/07/2019 20:53

DH and I have a pact that whoever the friend 'belongs' to is the one who has to 'look after them', as it were.

For example, DH has a friend who is a bit of a night owl. DH normally goes to bed with the chickens. The first time he stayed with us DH went to bed at his usual time and left me in the living room to keep the friend company. This friend is a lovely guy but it wasn't my job, it was DH's. I let DH know that is better not happen again. Nowadays if he stays, I toodle off to bed Netflix and chill and DH pulls 'night watch'.

In your situation if your DH agrees to the same deal, I'd probably say OK. One caveat; if, as you say, DH and she 'aren't that close' to the point where you wouldn't feel comfortable leaving her alone in your home, then either DH takes time off work or she doesn't stay.

sneakypinky · 22/07/2019 20:53

I'd allow 1 night, but I absolutely hate guests staying over, even family. I can't cope with having people in my space.

TriciaH87 · 22/07/2019 20:54

Personally if its someone I barely knew I would say no. Having met them only once and especially if your both out at work I would not want a stranger roaming around my home. You don't know this person to trust them alone in your house.

Pipandmum · 22/07/2019 20:55

If my husband asked me if an old college friend could stay I’d have no problem. You don’t have to host, she’s not asking you to be a tour guide and entertain her. But if it was me I’d welcome her and try and make sure she’s as comfortable as possible. You might make a new friend!

IHaventGotAnyStuff · 22/07/2019 20:57

I did exactly this with DHs friend AND her DP! For 4 nights. Old uni friends. Not seen each other in years. Lovely time was had by all, they were in and out a fair bit but we also made some plans together. They bought beers the first night, gifts for LO and took us out for dinner. I think your anxiety is declining her request, it's not an unreasonable one.

@AcrossthePond55 "netflix and chill" doesnt mean what you think it means Wink

IHaventGotAnyStuff · 22/07/2019 20:58

Incidentally I'd NEVER met her!

HeadintheiClouds · 22/07/2019 21:00

4 days to attend one party is slightly excessive; when you don’t know the potential host that well.
What does it mean, AnyStuff?

cardibach · 22/07/2019 21:00

It’s not 4 nights. Sat to Tuesday. Sat, Sun, Mon. 3 nights.
Seems inhospitable to me to not say yes.

OhioOhioOhio · 22/07/2019 21:00

If you have a spare room then I think you should say yes.

M0RVEN · 22/07/2019 21:00

Let her stay and make sure that your Dp does everything . Cleans the spare room before and after, does the bedding, plans for the extra meals, goes food shopping and cooks. Picks up her from the airport etc .

Make sure you organise some things for yourself out of the house that weekend, to give him and his friend time alone together. That’s only fair. Maybe go and stay with family and just pop back on the Saturday to the party.

I notice that men become a lot less keen on having house guests when they have to do all the work. You know, just like most women do.

MerdedeBrexit · 22/07/2019 21:03

Guests are lovely if you or your partner have invited them yourselves and they are good friends or family whom you are happy to host. I'd be like you, though, OP, in your present circumstances. It's a pain having someone you hardly know staying, you can't relax, I don't think.

FFSFFSFFS · 22/07/2019 21:04

I think its totally fine for you to say no.

But its weird that you're so outraged. A lot of people would be very welcoming of such an invite.

73Sunglasslover · 22/07/2019 21:04

If your DP lives there too I think it's a bit unreasonable to say his friends can't stay. I wonder if you'd be OK with him vetoing your friends staying? I'd just make it clear to him that he is 100% doing all the hosting.

Absolutepowercorrupts · 22/07/2019 21:05

@DoNotWashThisBear
I really don't know why you bothered to start this thread.
In your op, you said you don't think ybu
You've made it clear that you don't want this visitor so just say no she can't stay.
It obviously doesn't suit you so don't let her stay.

daisypond · 22/07/2019 21:05

YABU. It’s really inhospitable and a bit rude. I’m not a very sociable person but I would never dream of saying no to this. You don’t have to entertain her or provide four- course meals but if you’ve got space, it’s mean not to offer her somewhere to sleep.

AcrossthePond55 · 22/07/2019 21:07

@IHaventGotAnyStuff

Blush Oops! My generation gap is showing.

OK, how about 'lounge in bed eating hidden crisps watching Outlander'?

Merryoldgoat · 22/07/2019 21:07

OP - why do you care if you are BU?

You don’t want her there. You aren’t having her.

Even if we think YABU it won’t change your feelings, will it?

Personally I think YABU if you have a spare room.