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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said she can’t stay!?

119 replies

DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 19:31

I highly doubt I’m BU but

DP and I’s Friends (his first before I met him) who are a couple are leaving next month to live abroad for a year. A friend of DPs who lives in NI has asked to stay in our house for 4 days while she travels over for the couples going away party.

AIBU in saying absolutely not? I’ve only met her once and don’t want to play host all weekend after I’ve been in work. She wants to stay on some days DP and I will be working. I said I’d be okay with one night (even though I’d struggle, I have massive anxiety) but I’m absolutely not having someone I’ve met once stay sat - Tuesday.

AIBU? DP doesn’t seem angry but slightly annoyed.

OP posts:
Ineedtoknowit · 22/07/2019 21:11

Yabu, she’s your husbands friend and you won’t let her stay when he’s happy to. Would you be upset with him if he wouldn’t let your friend stay? It’s his house too

maddiemookins16mum · 22/07/2019 21:12

Surely it’s as much your DP’s choice too.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 22/07/2019 21:17

YANBU.
I'd let her stay, but she'd have to muck in and entertain herself.
no hosting, apart from an evening meal.
but I'd leave her help herself to food otherwise.

Cherrysoup · 22/07/2019 21:18

She's a cheeky Mare. I would have looked up cheapo hotels or an Airbnb personally.

grumiosmum · 22/07/2019 21:21

I think YABU, although you appear to have made up your mind.

You don't like the idea of it - but you will probably find the reality of having a guest for a few days is not as bad as you imagine. Especially if you are at work most of the time - she will be able to look after herself.

greenwaterbottle · 22/07/2019 21:32

If she wouldn't have to come to visit without this party then she's not a great friend. So I'd say sorry we've a lot going on that weekend I'll send over some airbnb links

Teacher22 · 22/07/2019 21:33

Four nights’ stay is ridiculous when you don’t know the woman and have anxiety anyway.

It might be kind to offer one night’s stay if you feel up to it and then she can find a nearby B and B. Otherwise it is unreasonable to ask an anxious person to host an extended visit.

Orangeballon · 22/07/2019 21:35

Nope, you are not being unreasonable, if you don’t want to host then don’t, your not a bed and breakfast business, I , personally would stay in a hotel so I did not become an incuberance to anyone. If she has been to uni she will have a decent job and a bit of cash. She sounds a bit tight to be honest.

womaninthedark · 22/07/2019 21:38

You don't have to have anyone staying if you don't want them - and, you never have to leave anyone in your house if you're uncomfortable with that. Just tell her no.

LillithsFamiliar · 22/07/2019 21:44

imo it's not about how well you know her or what you want to do with your weekend. It's about your DP wanting his friend to stay and whether you think you have the right to veto or limit his guests simply because you don't know them.
We recently had DP's friend to stay for a long weekend even though I'd only met him once. I told DP before he came that he was his guest so he was responsible for hosting.

HJWT · 22/07/2019 21:49

@DoNotWashThisBear its MN, if your DH has a woman friend and you don't facilitate their friendship regardless of whether they actually speak regularly or not then YABVVVVU.

Don't have a stranger in your house for FOUR days op, I wouldn't even do it for a close friend for more than a night or 2...

chamenanged · 22/07/2019 21:49

I'd be annoyed at you too if I were your DP, particularly as you seem to be refusing to actually believe that you might be being unreasonable. I don't see how anxiety allows for one night's stay (plus attending what sounds like a fairly big party with people you don't know well) but not two extra nights when she lives a plane ride away. In any case your anxiety is for you and your doctor to manage, not for your DP to restrict normal social interaction on his part to accommodate.

HJWT · 22/07/2019 21:50

The fact all of these women (or men) don't see this as YOUR home to as well as DH is an absolute joke...

fruitbrewhaha · 22/07/2019 21:52

You are coming across as very tight OP. It's a friend, for a few nights. I'm guessing the flights are cheaper thurs and tues, surely she's a grown up and can sort herself out. She may even treat you to a nice dinner or sunday roast.

Fontofnoknowledge · 22/07/2019 21:53

I think you sound controlling and selfish.

I have a neighbour like this . When something suits her she cracks on with it. The moment her ex husband wanted to do something that she didn't fancy she called on the anxiety card. She could go out with girlfriends, have mates over bur when he wanted the same it was all ' no my anxiety will spiral - I don't know them.. of course she didn't know them , never made the effort to do so.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/07/2019 21:55

The fact all of these women (or men) don't see this as YOUR home to as well as DH is an absolute joke...

I don't understand this post. Of course we know its the Ops home. However many of us are simply pointing out that the Op seems clear that her opinion matters more than her husbands and that she has the right to veto a guest staying when he is fine with them coming.

silver1977 · 22/07/2019 21:56

I haven't read the whole thread OP but I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house for 4 nights that I hardly knew either. Almost worse you having to go to work for some of it as you can't just do your own thing and relax when you get in.

I personally think she is cheeky asking if she doesn't see DP very much, if very close then it would be ok to ask in my book but not this situation. She's wanting to use you as a cheap way to stay as you live conveniently to the party, I'm sure she wouldn't otherwise come and stay to see you both!

BertrandRussell · 22/07/2019 22:01

“Since when did it become a thing to allow anyone to stay in your house who asks?“

Well-since always? Unless you know something specific about the person that means you don’t want her to stay...

HeadintheiClouds · 22/07/2019 22:03

It’s more usual to know the asker well, though.

expat101 · 22/07/2019 22:13

If you don't know her well at all and have no close contact, then I would certainly say no to 4 nights too. We recently hosted a special occasion and priority for accommodation was given to family/friends who make a point of coming to see us without having a reason to otherwise.

these folk also host us in their home when we are visiting. So no to anyone else.

WomanLikeMeLM · 22/07/2019 22:21

Stop being mean/jealous @DoNotWashThisBear

HiJenny35 · 22/07/2019 22:25

Really???? It's a thing to let anyone who asks to stay in you house stay??? Nope. It's our family home, I don't like people staying, don't offer and wouldn't want it. There's a hotel up the road. To the same point if I went to visit friends I would always book a hotel and not ask to stay at there's. I think it's really rude to ask to stay in someone's home.

FFSFFSFFS · 22/07/2019 22:32

@HiJenny35

I genuinely find it intriguing that you think that.

Have you not heard of people having "guest rooms". It is very common for people to have a "guest room" in their house. For guests. To stay in.

If you don't want to have people stay I think that's totally fair enough. But do you really not know people who have people stay over. I could not count the number of friend's houses I've stayed in, or the friends who I've had stay in my home. Part of the visit is the staying.

This is a common practice in every culture I can think of across the globe!

Spotsandstars · 22/07/2019 22:33

I'm confused what does watch Netflix and chill really mean then and why??

73Sunglasslover · 22/07/2019 22:36

Really???? It's a thing to let anyone who asks to stay in you house stay??? Nope. It's our family home, I don't like people staying, don't offer and wouldn't want it. There's a hotel up the road. To the same point if I went to visit friends I would always book a hotel and not ask to stay at there's. I think it's really rude to ask to stay in someone's home

My social life would be a lot less fun if I could only see friends who don't live locally when I had enough cash for a hotel. I would basically have seen no-one not local until I was 30! It's really normal. We have friends stay all the time and we stay at friends.

To those saying you'd not want someone staying that you didn't know well. does this mean the only people who stay are people whom you and your partner know well? How do you get to know each other's friends then?