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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have said she can’t stay!?

119 replies

DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 19:31

I highly doubt I’m BU but

DP and I’s Friends (his first before I met him) who are a couple are leaving next month to live abroad for a year. A friend of DPs who lives in NI has asked to stay in our house for 4 days while she travels over for the couples going away party.

AIBU in saying absolutely not? I’ve only met her once and don’t want to play host all weekend after I’ve been in work. She wants to stay on some days DP and I will be working. I said I’d be okay with one night (even though I’d struggle, I have massive anxiety) but I’m absolutely not having someone I’ve met once stay sat - Tuesday.

AIBU? DP doesn’t seem angry but slightly annoyed.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 20:11

She isn’t a close friend of DP though. They aren’t close at all.

OP posts:
H2OH20Everywhere · 22/07/2019 20:12

Four of DP's friends came to stay with us for a week about ten years ago. It was a squash as we live in a small 2-bed but we made it work. It didn't occur to me to say no - they are his friends after all and it's his house.

H2OH20Everywhere · 22/07/2019 20:12

Oh, and they weren't close friends either. DP had last seen them about ten years previously.

Doormat247 · 22/07/2019 20:13

Has she never heard of hotels? Not your problem that she needs a (probably free) place to stay.
No way would I let anyone I don't know stay in my house, especially while I'm at work. Doesn't sound like your DP knows her that well either if they are so rarely in contact.

I also wouldn't be cheeky enough to ask someone to stay at their house for 4 days!

Original poster
DoNotWashThisBear · 22/07/2019 20:14

I work with children all week and I like my weekends to be calm relaxing and for me to recharge. I want to be able to use my house. Not have to give up a whole weekend of doing what I want for someone who probably hasn’t even spoke to DP since she saw him 8 months ago!

OP posts:
HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/07/2019 20:15

She isn’t a close friend of DP though. They aren’t close at all.

She doesn't have to be a close friend though she can still be his friend and if he was happy to have her staying then I don't see why it matters how close they are. We have a friend of my husbands staying for a few days soon they are not hugely close especially since he moved away last year but they keep in touch. He's over for a visit so I don't mind him kipping in our spare room for a few days it'll be up to my husband to host him not me.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 22/07/2019 20:15

If my DH wanted to say yes I’d go with it as it’s his house too. If he told me my friends couldn’t stay I’d find it controlling and a red flag.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 22/07/2019 20:16

I wouldn't have a problem at all, but some people are more hospitable than others. If I were your DP I'd be pretty disappointed. It makes him seem so unfriendly. Can he not do most of the hosting?

AutumnCrow · 22/07/2019 20:17

Isn't it strange that some house guests can be so tiring?

My DS (20) has a friend staying at the moment who is great. So easy going.

I've had other house guests including a similarly aged niece (who I obviously knew well) who was quite draining.

legoqueen · 22/07/2019 20:18

I think you should let her stay if DH wants her to, it's his house too - it's not clear from your posts whether they meet at the regular reunions anyway, or less often? Why would you have to give up your weekend?

Paramicha · 22/07/2019 20:19

I wouldn't want somebody I didn't know very well staying in my home when I wasn't there.
It sounds like she isn't a close friend of your dh either.

If he wants her to stay then he will have to be at home during the day when you are at work and he'll have to do all the work.

AvengerDanvers95 · 22/07/2019 20:23

Maybe this is a cultural thing, because I'm.from NI and nobody I know would think it was cheeky to ask. They'd think it a shocking waste of money to pay for a hotel for 4 nights when they could put a friend up instead.

If you were saying "my DH won't let me have an old friend to stay, we only see each other a couple of times a year so I enjoy catching up, we have a spare room and the friend is no hassle", your DH would have his arse handed to him on a plate for being controlling.

DianaT1969 · 22/07/2019 20:23

OP, I think that these challenges to routine can sometimes be enriching if you let them. A new person to chat to and get to know better. A feeling of liberation that you were able to make clear that you aren't hosting, without being rude - she is welcome to stay and use the spare room - but you get on with your life. Do you think your partner would have said yes if he was single, or living with a more sociable partner? Maybe it's a chance to surprise him with how flexible and laid back you can be.
There are tricks to stress free hosting - put a bottle of water, glass, robe and clean towels in her room. Leave tea, coffee, mugs out where she can see them. Give her a spare key. She'll never need to ask you for anything.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/07/2019 20:24

I think that the person who doesn't want a houseguest gets the right of veto in situations like this. I don't believe the woman is wrong for asking, as long as she accepts a refusal with good grace. I mix with people who are generally quite laid back about staying over at each other's homes, but I know not everyone is as keen and sometimes it just isn't convenient to have someone stay.

IvanaPee · 22/07/2019 20:24

It’s one weekend. You’re being so dramatic about it. It’s your DP’s house, too.

rookiemere · 22/07/2019 20:26

Actually Avenger I'm from NI and we'd always put someone up so maybe it is cultural.

Derbee · 22/07/2019 20:26

Sorry, YABU and very self centred. It’s his house too. And it’s not a big deal having someone stay for a weekend. She might be really nice and you’ll have a fun weekend anyway

wildcherries · 22/07/2019 20:26

No one I didn't know really well would be in my house while I wasn't there.

growlingbear · 22/07/2019 20:26

Either say no or be a proper host. I don't agree with PPs who suggest your DH can do all the hosting. She'd notice the frosty atmosphere.

ReanimatedSGB · 22/07/2019 20:26

Also, there is a difference between putting up a pal or a relative, and having someone who you barely know come and stay with you, particularly if you're a bit anxious. This woman might be a nightmare houseguest who wets the bed and snoops through your paperwork - you don't know her well enough to be sure and it sounds like your DP doesn't, either. And it is, on the whole, men who like to do the hospitable inviting and their female partners who actually have to do the feeding and caring for the guests.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 22/07/2019 20:28

I think that the person who doesn't want a houseguest gets the right of veto in situations like this.

I'm genuinely curious as to why they get to veto. In such a situation both people are grown adults who shouldn't have to have permission to have a friend stay over in a home they presumably also pay for. It should be a compromise, if he's only asked once for a guest to stay then that doesn't seem unreasonable. If he wanted friends staying each week then that would be a different situation.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/07/2019 20:28

The “sorry that doesn’t work for us” isn’t quite true though is it as it does work for your DH.

If you lived alone and this was a university friend of yours you would absolutely not be unreasonable to say “sorry this doesn’t work for me”.

But this is not only about what works for you. If your DH is prepared to take on responsibility for the friend and her needs and he wants her to stay then it is more about whether your anxiety and wish for a quiet weekend trumps his wish to accommodate an old friend (even one he hasn’t spoken to for 8 months). It might be that your anxiety is such that it does take precedence. But I do think that a proper conversation is required about it (with him) and the idea that you can unilaterally veto the visit is unreasonable.

I do think she is a bit cheeky to ask to stay for 4 nights. I’ve never asked to stay anywhere and would hate to be an unwanted guest. On the other hand offering just one night seems ‘mean’. My opinion is not so much centred on her, but on whether your DH is getting much say in the proposal.

firawla · 22/07/2019 20:30

I would just say no. She hardly knows you and is not s close friend so 4 nights is a big ask. Why can’t she just get a hotel or something? I wouldn’t feel bad at all in saying no, she is being a bit cheeky?

arethereanyleftatall · 22/07/2019 20:31

Avenger and rookie - I'm English and I'd always put up a friend (or non friend) of dhs without a second thought. I don't think this is a cultural thing though. I think it's the difference between people who have anxiety (or other affecting thing) and those who don't.

Coconutseasalt · 22/07/2019 20:33

I think it's unreasonable to ask to stay at someone's house! If they offer - fine, but otherwise it's quite presumptuous surely...