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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to spend inherited money on a holiday

102 replies

LostMeerkats · 22/07/2019 18:06

Myself and my 2 siblings were raised by my grandparents. My granddad passed away over 10 years ago now. My Grandma passed away a few months ago having had dementia for the past few years. I look after of my two siblings who both have additional needs. My sister is in her 30's and lives in respite care during the week and stays with us Friday to Sunday and a few weeks during the holidays. My brother attends the local college and lives at home.

Recently we were contacted because my grandparents had some money in an account which we didn't now about. As per my grandparents will I inherited all of their assets including this money with the assumption that I will use some of it to support my siblings throughout their lives.

It's quite a lot of money for us and I wasn't sure what to do with it at first so I have split it 4 ways. So for example I have put 5 thousand each in the 2 accounts I already have for my siblings which will eventually be used to pay for their care if/when I can't afford to cover it.
I then put 5 thousand into my own savings which I try to only use in emergencies.

I now have a quarter left over which I want to use for a holiday. I have godparents who live 8 hour away on public transport. They have a holiday cottage which we can stay in for free. I just need to pay for travel and food and spending money and stuff while we are there for the 3 of us.

So my idea is that we will travel half way and then stay in a b&b for the night then travel the rest of the way to my godparents. Stay there for a week and then do the same thing travelling on the way back.

I have already asked my godparents and they are thrilled we are coming.

Last night my Grandmas sister came over to visit so I told her about my plans and she was horrified that I would be so selfish and use the money on a holiday when it should be put towards my sibling care needs.
She pointed out the the holiday was really just for me as they aren't my siblings godparents and my brother would probably rather stay at home and my sister will probably get fed up of the travelling and she really couldn't believe that I would go ahead with this holiday and that I would waste the money on this.

I tried to explain why I thought it was a good idea and that my siblings will probably enjoy it once they are there and that its good for them to do new things even if they have to go out of their comfort zone.

She was still upset with me and ended up leaving in tears saying that I was making a mistake and she thought that maybe my grandparents have trusted me with too much responsibility.

The more I think about the more I am beginning to think that maybe she is right and I am being selfish going on a holiday that is mostly just for me. I think I got caught up in the idea of finally having the money to treat ourselves and I didn't stop to think about the other stuff I could spend the money on.

But then every time I think of cancelling the holiday I just want to cry and I hate cancelling on my godparents who were so excited to see us and it just feels like I have let everyone down because I got over excited about the money.

OP posts:
Bunbunbunny · 22/07/2019 18:10

Do you think your grandparents would begrudge you having a holiday with your siblings? They trusted you with the money and I think it's a lovely idea, you all deserve a holiday and some lovely memories together

StrongTea · 22/07/2019 18:11

Have your holiday, sure your grandparents would want you to.

JC4PMPLZ · 22/07/2019 18:11

Go on the holiday. You give so much already. Life is for living and it sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this. Not like you are swanning off to Caribbean your own.

Kolo · 22/07/2019 18:11

It genuinely sounds to me like you’ve done the right thing with your siblings. You do deserve a holiday and I’m sure your siblings would love it too. It doesn’t sound like an extravagant spend at all. I think your great aunt was pretty mean to make you feel so awful about it. Even in this holiday, you’ve not left out your siblings. If you’d bought yourself a fur coat, diamond earrings and a case of Moët, it might be different.

glenthebattleostrich · 22/07/2019 18:11

First rule of caring is first look after yourself. You need the holiday so of course you should take it.

How much support do you get? Does your grandma's sister help at all? Do you get any breaks?

I think the only thing you are being unreasonable about is not arranging some respite care and having a week to yourself.

Sunburntnoseandears · 22/07/2019 18:12

Your holiday is great idea! Do not let anyone shoot it down. Sounds like a bit of the green eyed monster from your relative tbh...

IncandescentShadow · 22/07/2019 18:13

But this doesn't make sense. You have a quarter of at least £15,000 left, which is £5000. Travelling to a free use holiday cottage in the UK, travel and 2 nights in a B&B is going to cost you a few hundred. Whats the issue?

PocaNinja · 22/07/2019 18:13

Op you sound like a very level headed and caring sibling. I think it’s important some of the money goes towards their care/future provisions which you have done but I think it’s equally important they /all of you experience a holiday together. After all it’s building happy memories that will stay with them and you for the rest of your lives.

Also sounds like you pay towards your siblings care from your own pocket so I really do not see how this is you being selfish. Your grandmothers sister needs to keep her nose out of it.

Sirzy · 22/07/2019 18:13

Go and enjoy it.

Actually i would also Try to get things in place for you to go on a second break which doesn’t involve you doing any caring for a few days!

RoxytheRexy · 22/07/2019 18:13

Seems a lovely idea to me. Have fantastic holiday

user1493413286 · 22/07/2019 18:14

Have your holiday; you’re being sensible putting some aside. I’m sure your grandparents would want you to have some enjoyment from the money

LuxuryWoman2018 · 22/07/2019 18:14

Have your holiday. It's nobody's business but yours

Kolo · 22/07/2019 18:14

Also, your grandparents didn’t leave their money to great aunt to look after your siblings. They left it to you, because they trust your judgement. Why on earth would your g aunt know better than you what your grandparents would have wanted!?

verystressedmum · 22/07/2019 18:14

It's nothing to do with her what you spend the money on. Taking your siblings away is a lovely thing to do and you will all benefit.
Who knows maybe she is jealous that she didn't get any money but regardless it's none of her business.
Go on holiday have a great time and don't tell her anything about your life.

IndigoHexagon · 22/07/2019 18:15

She’s 100% wrong!!!
Go on the holiday - I can’t think of a better use for it!

I honestly can’t think of any reason she would say that other than perhaps jealousy! You’ve take on responsibility for your siblings which you didn’t have to do - you deserve this. If had been saying the same if you had said you were going away without them - you need respite too.

SummerInTheVillage · 22/07/2019 18:15

Have your holiday.

You deserve it.

Knittedjimmychoos · 22/07/2019 18:16

Was there a letter, of wishes?

Going on small holiday with minimal outlay is care.
You don't have to care for your siblings and the aunt was horrendous for putting this emotional burden on you. Shame on her.

You have to be careful with money and what they have in their bank anyway in case it's over the savings amount.

Op, go and have a wondeful break she sounds daft.

Malyshek · 22/07/2019 18:16

Agree with everyone else. You're already sacrificing a lot looking after your siblings, you do deserve a holiday and it's far from extravagant !

You great aunt is pretty horrible to try and ruin your holiday by guilt-tripping you. Don't let her manipulate you. You should go and have a lovely time.

On a side note, if you don't think your siblings would enjoy going, is there any other arrangement you could make so they stay and you go ?

There should be some money left over anyhow (no way would this trip cost 5k !) so you can get them something else, so thet get a treat too.

CastleCrasher · 22/07/2019 18:16

Your grandparents left the money to you. From what you have said they hoped (knew) you'd use it to help support your siblings, but didn't actually put any stipulations in the will about this. So actually, if you wanted to spend it all on yourself, you could.

The holiday will help you unwind and enjoy yourself, which, as a carer, will benefit your siblings. For that reason alone is fine, never mind the benefit to your siblings having a break too.

Your great aunt needs to butt out frankly. If she's so keen on spring your siblings, perhaps she could help out more?

Glitterandunicorns · 22/07/2019 18:17

OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

I absolutely don't think you're being selfish at all in going on this holiday.

You've split the money with your siblings to go towards their care. Even if you hadn't done this, you take care of them and are entitled to a break.

With all due respect, it sounds like your grandmother's sister is bang out of order on this one, and I'm sorry to hear she's upset you.

You go on your holiday OP and have a brilliant time. Best of luck. Thanks

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/07/2019 18:17

I also agree with everyone else- go on your holiday.

My grandparents left my siblings and I money, they also left a letter stating their wishes on what they'd like us to use the money on (house deposit etc). It doesn't sound like yours did that so spend it on what you want.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/07/2019 18:18

Your Grandma's sister is mean and interfering. You do so much for your family and even for this holiday, you are including your siblings. Ignore her and enjoy your holiday.

Knittedjimmychoos · 22/07/2019 18:18

Also as pp said you will be using only few hundred.

See how this break goes and save rest for rainy day and more days out or just nights away.

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/07/2019 18:18

I disagree with your great-aunt.
You are your siblings' carer. You have, ultimately, responsibility for them and make decisions on their behalf daily.
You are entitled to a holiday (as are they) and it is great you are including your siblings in your holiday plans and spending the money on the three of you.
As long as you can manage and your siblings are likely to cope and enjoy themselves, take them away and make some happy memories.
It doesn't sound like your great-aunt has a clue about the 24/7, 365 day life of a familial carer.

PositiveVibez · 22/07/2019 18:19

She sounds either jealous of the money, or is lonely and doesn't want you going away for a week.

You deserve this holiday. You sound pretty selfless to me. Rather the opposite of selfish!!

You and your siblings go and have a bloody good holiday.

Stuff your great Aunt! It's sod all to do with her!